Email message

[Dr. Obvious 49]

Oops, now I see in your profile that he wanted to call off the wedding a month ago. I guess it isn't cold feet, more like he has made up his mind.

Don't waste anymore time with him. He's no longer interested in you and you should be glad to have dodged that bullet.

You are like 20 and there are more fish in the sea, believe me. Go call up your girlfriends and go out and have fun, forget him.

[coria1988 0]

Oops, now I see in your profile that he wanted to call off the wedding a month ago. I guess it isn't cold feet, more like he has made up his mind.

He wanted to postpone the wedding two years. He wanted to marry me when he comes back to Germany...at least he said so...

And I just wondered whether they are allowed to tell that they might get deployed or not because he said that he was not. And I have already told a co-worker and he was worried that she tells it around. He just wanted to postpone the wedding because he thought he is getting deployed. OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT SO...

He is a medic and would get attached to a unit when they get deployed (that's how I understood it).

So does anybody know if its true that co-workers are not allowed to know about that?

But what if there is something else wrong with him and I dont wait....

You know I want to be there for him if anything does not work well. And at the end I could at least say that I tried... I really will think about it and I do all the time but it takes time to make a decision...

[LoriLawless 0]

Oops, now I see in your profile that he wanted to call off the wedding a month ago. I guess it isn't cold feet, more like he has made up his mind.

He wanted to postpone the wedding two years. He wanted to marry me when he comes back to Germany...at least he said so...

And I just wondered whether they are allowed to tell that they might get deployed or not because he said that he was not. And I have already told a co-worker and he was worried that she tells it around. He just wanted to postpone the wedding because he thought he is getting deployed. OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT SO...

He is a medic and would get attached to a unit when they get deployed (that's how I understood it).

So does anybody know if its true that co-workers are not allowed to know about that?

But what if there is something else wrong with him and I dont wait....

You know I want to be there for him if anything does not work well. And at the end I could at least say that I tried... I really will think about it and I do all the time but it takes time to make a decision...

Then he'll come looking for you sweetie if he really wants to.

[payxibka 10,044]

When my brother was being deployed to Iraq.. He called me to tell me he was appointing me his personal representative... I asked him if he was being deployed and he told me he could not tell me.... I then asked him when he was leaving... He said he could not tell me that... I then asked him how much time did he have to get his personal affairs in order... He responded.. I can tell you that.. I have two weeks....

I do not know if that is a standard situation or not as to what they can sya or not say...

[DanielParul 50]

Oops, now I see in your profile that he wanted to call off the wedding a month ago. I guess it isn't cold feet, more like he has made up his mind.

He wanted to postpone the wedding two years. He wanted to marry me when he comes back to Germany...at least he said so...

And I just wondered whether they are allowed to tell that they might get deployed or not because he said that he was not. And I have already told a co-worker and he was worried that she tells it around. He just wanted to postpone the wedding because he thought he is getting deployed. OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT SO...

He is a medic and would get attached to a unit when they get deployed (that's how I understood it).

So does anybody know if its true that co-workers are not allowed to know about that?

But what if there is something else wrong with him and I dont wait....

You know I want to be there for him if anything does not work well. And at the end I could at least say that I tried... I really will think about it and I do all the time but it takes time to make a decision...

Sweety, hate to tell you this but a deployment is no reason to postpone the wedding unless you both want to wait. Daniel could not wait to get me here and for us to be married before he got deployed for the simple reason that it would be easier for him to take care of me and to be in touch with me unlike if I was in India. He even had me on his policies etc as a fiancee before we married. They can also tell people if they are getting deployed, just not give out sensitive info like exactly when and where.

There definately is something wrong, he doesn't care, its as simple as that. Everything else is a cowardly excuse. Medical reasons, deployment, financial constraints are all the reasons that a person would want to be closer to his/her loved ones.

You have got a lot of good advice and perspective on this thread, if you still choose to close your eyes to it then there is only so much people can say to you. In the end its your life and you are responsible for it - Whether you're happy or you regret it.

All I can say is open your eyes and stop thinking from your heart. Don't think for sometime and go out with your friends and divert your mind till you can rationally think. I don't have anything more to say or advice.

Edited November 21, 2008 by DanielParul

[Cham 3]

Sweetie, First off I want to say YOU are answering your own questions, but are not facing the facts that are right in front of your face.

What he is doing is ABUSIVE! It is mental abuse and I will show you why.

It has not always been like that, I have looked at some emails

Hun reread those emails. THOSE emails are not positive they are very negative.

hey i had a dream last night thats why i could not sleep please tell me if you ever are going to cheat on me (i know you wont baby i do)but if you ever are let me know before you do so i don't have to go crazy and psycho

When an abuser starts he will state small things but with very direct words as YOU will make me crazy psycho or insane.

He used two of those words. Those words were crazy and psycho. These words scare me because these words will one day come true on you physically OR extremely mentally.

EXAMPLE: My ex husband who was in the Army and I were married 10 years.

He use to tell me, If you ever cheated I would go insane and crazy. I reassured him I will never do that and that I loved him to much.

We had gone to a family reunion and his 1st cousin came up to us and told him WOW your wife is cute and seems nice. Not once did I hug this man talk to him except to say nice to meet you to.

That night I was put down for HOURS with, Do you want him, do you think he is sexier then me. What did you do to lead him on. OMG you are making me psycho with not telling me the REAL truth.

I WAS telling the truth yet he did not believe me. He grabbed my shoulders hard and said. IF I ever catch you talking to another man I will go crazy!!

I stood there in shock that he did this and cried for a while. He then came out begged for me to forgive him then told me I do these things for your OWN good.

Later on it lead to being beat put down in front of people at stores you name it.

that last thing he said to me was I will love you to death and If I cant have you no one will.

If it was not for the YWCA I would probably be dead.

It took me years to get over his mental abuse though.

will make me the happiest man ever i love you and i am going to sleep baby sorry if you thought i hung up on but i didn't

Well if he did NOT hang up on you then HOW come he did not call you back???

Hey I love you

No matter how mad I get at you

AND then this one:

Maybe one day Ill prove it to you if I just knew how

No matter how mad he gets at you??? How often did you both fight?? Kai and I have had 3 disagreements in over two years BUT we talked it out and never got angry.

It just seems you both fought a lot.

the other one is the word MAYBE...maybe I will show you is kind of saying well I don't know if I will or not.

THAT is not a good word to use.

Hey sorry i pissed you off this morning but I don't remember talking to you sorry

again your upset with him (I would be to!!!!)...I am guessing he said something to you and used the excuse of OH I was sleeping and talking in my sleep...If so My ex used to do this when he was at Fort Lewis Washington.

He told me that he was getting a phone on day X. Okay, then he found out that he did not have time. Postponed it. Then on another day his electricity did not work so he did not see the necessity of getting a phone and said he will get one when his electricity is back. I told him he can call me from another phone somewhere else but he said there were not any public phones in his barracks. Then one day he looked at the wrong schedule and did not have to work. However, he did not get the phone that day either. And now he has a phone, now we do not talk that much no more...If the phone has worked the whole time

Sweetie I think YOU answered YOUR own question. PLEASE tell me YOU do not believe this. He had time and YOU know he did. He was making excuses THEN , so he would NOT have to talk with you and hear your voice. He would feel VERY guilty by hearing you because he is doing things he does not want you to know about OR he has a girlfriend on the side and did not want YOU to find out and ruin his fun. NOW that you been approved he all of a sudden is upset and wants to postpone the wedding for 2 years AND does not want you to come for Christmas????

THINK ABOUT IT HUN ALSO Did you ever call him to actually see if it was hooked up, BECAUSE if it was disconnected OR out of service it would say something like this. *this phone is no longer in service, please check the number again.*

And just an FYI Most bases that I been on when I was a military Brat and wife there are phones near the barracks to call OR on the base it self (pay phones) I used to mail my exes phone cards to call home on and he at first would call on the pay phone that was just outside th barracks.

just hope that I did not do anything wrong about that because he asked me why I was getting so mad at him lately and the answer was because he barely took time for me...

So, maybe this was it what pushed him to that....

Babygirl..YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!! He did.

Lets compare what YOU wanted to what HE wants

1. YOU wanted to love him completely; HE does not want to even say I love you anymore or write you.

2. YOU wanted to spend your life with him; HE wanted to postpone the wedding for two years after YOU already have the visa approved and THEN says oops I need to think about it and NO do not come for Christmas.

3. You have to sit in your home, stressed, crying, wondering what YOU did, What you can do to fix it, If your a terrible person, Cant sleep; WHILE HE chooses the date to talk to you and how much time you can talk to him or write.

4. His emails contain words of mental and possible latter on physical abuse. Words like Crazy, psycho, Black mailing me.

5. YOU wanted to try to talk it out with him; HE accuses you of blackmailing him (which is BS)

6. You want to spend time with him; HE makes excuses to even talk to you on the phone and makes excuses WHY it is not hooked up and ready. AND then conveniently said I NEED SPACE from you.

This list is getting longer and longer Hun and I have more but I think you get the point:(

Oh and does anybody know if the co-workers are allowed to know that he might get deployed?

Only if his co-workers are heading with him. His family would know or friends IF he said hey I am getting deployed on this date.

They cant give you his location but I know when my cousin was deployed to Iraq he told us hey all I'm leaving on May 10th for Iraq.

However It would not be smart to ask..You will be then accused by this jerk of stalking him. (knowing what he said to you before!)

just think when I leave him somebody else could get him....

They could get the "great" (!?) guy I left...=S

Sweetie this is guy is FAR from ever being anything good let alone great! Read what OTHERS have told you OVER AND OVER AND OVER. WE are outsiders we do not love him and have a relationship with him. BUT being an outsider we can see what is up more then you can.

LISTEN to what others have told you.

HE IS far from being great. A great guy would NEVER do this to a sweet girl like you. HE is a manipulative, liar and a control freak who is on the verge of seriously being an abuser.

How do you know if he has not hit a woman before OR treated his ex like he has you???

He is bad news sweetie. I honestly feel sorry for any women or girl who is with him, because they will be to blind to see past his charm until it is to late and their they will be, in your shoes thinking WHY God WHY??? Why does he do this to me

RUN and do not look back. There is someone better for you..trust me I know..I found one and YOU can to

BIG HUGS and you will be OKAY!!! YOU are worth more then that!

Meri

Edited November 21, 2008 by Cham

[xtinab 0]

A book I recommend to read:

He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt

(No disrespect intended).

I agree. This book could definitely help in a situation such as this. I also agree that its time to move on. From what I've read, you've done everything you can to give him the opportunity to man up. He's being the fool. Don't let him hurt you anymore.

[Old Dominion 26]

As many have suggested, just drop him...period. You're being manipulated by long-distance...controlled by a thoughtless jerk. Even if he eventually comes around with the news you want to hear from him, it will be a mistake for you to pick up again on that relationship. He is allowed to tell you he is being deployed, just can't give you many details. That is not a factor in his refusal to communicate. Maybe he just doesn't know how to get out of the relationship and thinks he doesn't want to hurt your feelings right away...until he gets his own feet on the ground and can stand firm. Who knows.

[Ban Hammer 12,899]

When my brother was being deployed to Iraq.. He called me to tell me he was appointing me his personal representative... I asked him if he was being deployed and he told me he could not tell me.... I then asked him when he was leaving... He said he could not tell me that... I then asked him how much time did he have to get his personal affairs in order... He responded.. I can tell you that.. I have two weeks....

I do not know if that is a standard situation or not as to what they can sya or not say...

deployments fall under operational security and people are cautioned not to tell anyone when, where, or even if they are going.

[coria1988 0]

deployments fall under operational security and people are cautioned not to tell anyone when, where, or even if they are going.

Not even co-workers are allowed to know it?

People who work on the same ward...

[SunDrop 59]

deployments fall under operational security and people are cautioned not to tell anyone when, where, or even if they are going.

Not even co-workers are allowed to know it?

People who work on the same ward...

There isn't anything I can really say that hasn't been said, except that it doesn't seem like you're listening to any of it. Sure, you're reading but it's bouncing right off you.

Stop trying to find some glimmer of hope of an excuse. Stop excusing his behaviour.

I'm not going to patronise you, tell you to cheer up, move on, call you sweetie. I am going to say that most of the people posting on this board, myself included, have experienced more crappy relationships than we could probably count. You asked us all for suggestions, ideas, support but you're still focusing on the 'what ifs'.

About 5 months after my SO and I 'met' online, he took a roadtrip with 3 guy friends. They rented a car and were gone a week. I knew it was a guy trip and expected that he wasn't going to spend it on the phone to me. I did figure a couple of text messages wouldn't be too hard, but didn't sweat it. I texted the day he was due back, and the next. And the next. And finally at midnight PST (8am 4 days later for me) saying 'got back from extended trip. too tired to talk, but we'll catch up tomorrow.' tomorrow came and went, then a 15 minute conversation then nothing for 2 days...then short conversations. Then he stood me up for a phone date and didn't contact me for 2 days. I was devastated. I cried. I felt foolish and tricked into believing he was better than that.

So I decided that I was worth more than that. I sent him a text that said "pick up when I call in 2 hours or don't bother." He did and I said the following, "I am now and have always been the person that you claim to love. I am worthy of being respected and treated with the love you profess. And right now, you are putting yourself and your morals to shame because of the way you are treating me. I am not a TV that you can tune in whenever you want to entertain yourself. I'm walking away now but leaving you with a simple statement: either you decide that you do love me and treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve, or you decide that you don't want this and do the fair thing and set me free. I love you; you know how to find me." He didn't even let me finish before calling out 'wait!', finding his voice and saying sorry.

He later told me that had I not stood up for myself and allowed him to treat me like that, he isn't sure that he would have come to respect me and what we have the way he does now. He also says he realised when I said I was walking away, that HE couldn't live without ME.

Coria, please think about taking the initiative here. Be honest about what you would say if a friend was telling you the same story.

Be very careful about anyone, man or woman, friend or lover who has no good family relationships and few friends. There's a reason for it and it usually rests with their inability to maintain healthy relationships.

Be well but more importantly be Strong!

[sasha414 0]

deployments fall under operational security and people are cautioned not to tell anyone when, where, or even if they are going.

Not even co-workers are allowed to know it?

People who work on the same ward...

coria, reading your posts is giving me a whirlwind of emotions. first i felt sad for you, then i felt sorry for you and now , i feel frustrated with you. why? because you are here asking for advice but all the advices everyone is giving you is not sinking in. you are covering up for your fiance and like i said " its useless giving you good advice" because you are in DENIAL. this whole deployment thing is not the issue here, cant you see that?! the real problem is how your fiance is treating you and yet you seem to still want him to love you back. lets just say, he did force himself to be with you, it will never be a happy relationship in the end. if you let go of him now and start to move on with your life, you will heal sooner. but if you choose to stick with him now, then by january you will still find yourself in the same pathetic position you are in right now . this will be my last answer to your post here because i feel its useless anyway. its not sinking in sweetie, you refuse to accept reality.

[Ta Ta 1]

Coria, I believe you are processing what you are reading and sometimes it may take a few days or even weeks to come to the realization that the relationship has not been what you wanted it to be.Sometimes we want something so bad that we build sand castles in the sky that are fantasies without substance.

It takes time to break up, it is a process.

It is normal to go through the different stages of grieving when faced with a loss of a relationship.

Shock, denial, bargaining, depression, then anger and and finally acceptance.

Some go through it faster, some slower, some repeat the circle several times.

Most here are older and have experience of how to walk away at the appropriate time, you are so young and learning.

Be gentle on yourself and keep reality going while trying to process that it is not what it seemed to be and that it is ok to move on when you are ready.

It helps to bounce things off the board and can be therapeutic with the right support.

I believe that in time you will do the right thing and will carry yourself with confidence that true love is out there, just not with this man.

[coria1988 0]

Coria, I believe you are processing what you are reading and sometimes it may take a few days or even weeks to come to the realization that the relationship has not been what you wanted it to be.Sometimes we want something so bad that we build sand castles in the sky that are fantasies without substance.

It takes time to break up, it is a process.

It is normal to go through the different stages of grieving when faced with a loss of a relationship.

Shock, denial, bargaining, depression, then anger and and finally acceptance.

Some go through it faster, some slower, some repeat the circle several times.

Most here are older and have experience of how to walk away at the appropriate time, you are so young and learning.

Be gentle on yourself and keep reality going while trying to process that it is not what it seemed to be and that it is ok to move on when you are ready.

It helps to bounce things off the board and can be therapeutic with the right support.

I believe that in time you will do the right thing and will carry yourself with confidence that true love is out there, just not with this man.

Thank you Omoba! I think (maybe I know it!) that is just the way it is. I do not want it to be true and think about the past too much. How nice everything was. It is hard letting it go...

I am so sorry. I have been expecting you guys getting mad. But I have read every single advice and I did think about it. And I think I do just want to tell myself that some stuff is not true, that it can't be reality what is happening but it is. However, I want to know WHY?

I really thought about it and about what I will do next, career wise and everything. I also feel that I could not marry him no more if he came up telling me:"Hey baby, I love you and can't wait for you to come here" or something like that. And I somehow do know that there is no way no more because if I do not marry him we can't be together and we just could see us for visits. And who knows if he keeps lying to me....

It is not that I think the deployment is the reason. I was asking that because I considered him lying about the deployment. That he just mentioned it to cancel the visa. Maybe he is just to chicken-livered to tell me the f***ing truth and holds me on line.

If he told me what was going on I would be there for him but I guess I tried and there is nothing I can do no more but function like he wants it....And that is not how I want to work!

I do think everything over. I just can't take my decision withing a day. However, I am pretty sure what my decision will be and how it will end up...

Everything will be good. And this time I do not mean that it will be good because he tells me that he loves me still but rather that I will move on...And I do hope that when I take that decision that it will be the right one...

Have a wonderful day!!!

[beejay 123]

Be strong Coria, we are all behind you.