marry or go home?

[Brad and Vika 129]

DO NOT let her overstay 90 days unless a marriage takes place. If unsure, have her go back to UA and start your relationship from scratch (second K1 with the same fiancee is not a problem), if you feel it's still worth it. Bitching and lack of intimacy, however, is not a good sign.

Well said Blues Fairy, in your opinion as a woman from the FSU, why would noll's fiance' stay under the circumstances? I have heard that there is a fair amount of derision if a woman is "sent back". Friends and family might view the end of the relationship, or at least the failure to stay long enough to establish residency, as a personal failing. Your thoughts?

[Brad and Vika 129]

Thanks for clarifying. Mox - I know that you enjoy the web debate very much, and I respect your right to have an opinion. In this case though, I have to (once again) disagree. IMO suggesting the OP start again, so close to the visa expiration, given the situation, is really bad advice. The support obligations alone make it critical that a couple be on the same page before making such a leap. On the interpersonal side, if a woman from the FSU was "feeling the connection", when is her guy ever in doubt of that? They are not a married couple having a rough patch - this is square one.

Okay, yes I like the spirit of a debate. But in this case, I could give a ####### about debating. I really want this guy to do the right thing by this woman, because it's her immigration status that stands to be harmed, not his. So let's drop the "you just like to argue" argument here and now. My concern is for the fiancee.

If there is no marriage, letting her overstay the 90 days WILL put a blemish on her record that could cause her problems down the road. She was told at her interview, and then again at the POE that she had to marry within 90 days. There is no waiver. Yes there are legal avenues she can pursue, and more paperwork she can fill out, but there's a reason that it's a remedy: it's fixing a problem caused by overstaying her visa. And as far as I know, it's not a guarantee. So basically she is completely out of options after 90 days: she has to marry or take her chances. I would never do this to a woman I cared about.

The OP admitted that they rushed into things, and now he realizes that he's dug himself into a hole. Well the first thing you need to do when you realize you've dug yourself into a hole is to stop digging.

Sorry to offend Mox - and thanks for making my point. You don't get this because you haven't been in the same situation. If she is already unhappy in the her life with him, the best thing to do is let her go home and sort things out - or not. Getting married, or for that matter starting over at the eleventh hour is not by any stretch the best way to figure out your compatability. So let's drop the "I want this guy to do the right thing" line of discussion. If you haven't been there, you cannot know what the right thing is. The most caring thing to do might be to let her go home and then figure it out.

Edited November 13, 2008 by Brad and Vika

[slim 1,533]

Man. Miss a day, miss a lot.

And yes, the Russia Forum is UA friendly. Sure, there's a separate forum for UA specific stuff, but bottom line, girls from UA are just as nuts as girls from the RF so this is a good place to post about all of them.

For the OP......... my two cents - marriage isn't going to change the current situation. The same problems you have now are going to continue, if not get worse. However, once you've put a little time in, you'll learn to live with each other and who knows, it might actually work out for you. If not, ship her back, there are 48,000 more on the website.

That said, if you have feelings for this girl (other than she's hot and permits you to have sex with her sometimes) and you're pretty sure she has feelings for you too (other than you have a little money and could possible give her a better life than what she'd have back home) then give it a shot. It takes a LOOOOOONG time to get a relationship with a foreign girl really going. I still sleep on the couch a lot and I've known my wife for over 8 years! She too showed up expecting a big house and car and to do nothing other than shop with her friends and drink coffee all day while I paid for it all. Reality smacked her in the face and she's working her @$$ off now. But, she knows she has a husband that loves her and we're going to have a good future together as long as we work through it. It was a tough sell though!

As you said in the OP, she showed up expecting the life on MTV or whatever and got hit with the reality of the American Dream. Ask her if she can see you guys together in the long term and if she can't see the positives of it and isn't willing to work together to get it, then ship her @$$ straight back to UA. Be blunt. Be honest. Don't sugarcoat it and don't let it be something that's "lost in translation." Bull$#!t. Either she decides to get down with you and your life together here or she goes home. Plain and simple.

Keep us posted.... and don't be scared to share! I'm sure if you look through this forum there are quite a few good "stories" from those of us that've been through what you're going through now.

GOOD LUCK!!!

[payxibka 10,048]

Mox - that bit about being picked up by immigration is not correct. If she is legally changing her status after her visa expired due to marriage she will not be deported. In fact, she cannot leave the country (for years) while the adjudication takes place without being denied re-entry.

What I meant is that on day 91, before she's changed status and is not married, if immigration picks her up then she's in trouble.

Is it really any different than someone who marries on a K-1 but never applies to adjust status? Neither can demonstrate legal presence as both have expired I-94's. Both are accruing overstay time but yet here on VJ people everyday say it is OK to not file AOS for months if not years...

Somehow people think this act of marriage before the I-94 expires is somehow magically different.... Not.

[Gemmie 142]

Mox - that bit about being picked up by immigration is not correct. If she is legally changing her status after her visa expired due to marriage she will not be deported. In fact, she cannot leave the country (for years) while the adjudication takes place without being denied re-entry.

What I meant is that on day 91, before she's changed status and is not married, if immigration picks her up then she's in trouble.

Is it really any different than someone who marries on a K-1 but never applies to adjust status? Neither can demonstrate legal presence as both have expired I-94's. Both are accruing overstay time but yet here on VJ people everyday say it is OK to not file AOS for months if not years...

Somehow people think this act of marriage before the I-94 expires is somehow magically different.... Not.

I disagree, the entire reason and point of the K1 is that you MUST marry within 90 days of arrival. Adjusting status outside of the 90 days is overlooked as long as you marry within the timeframe and don't leave the US.

To the OP - I'm going to be honest, and this is all my personal view, but you admit yourself that you both weren't prepared for any of this and rushed into getting engaged and moving to be together before you really knew each other. Your age and "hoping she'll warm up to you" isn't going to change the situation. If anything, it would make it worse. Where's the communication? Have you talked to her deeply about your hopes and intentions? About hers? If not, then you're not ready to be married and have an intimate relationship. If you have, you should already know the answer.

Best of luck.

[payxibka 10,048]

If a K-1 visa holder comes to the USA, marries within the 90 day time frame, never files AOS, goes home after one year (for whatever reason), the alien now has accrued sufficient time for a re-entry bar and it is triggered upon departure. The marriage inside 90 days does not save them.

If a K-1 visa holder comes to the USA, marries within the 90 day time frame, files AOS after 3 years, the alien now has accrued sufficient time for a re-entry bar but is ignored as the result of the AOS application and gets a greencard.

If a K-1 visa holder comes to the USA, does not marry within the 90 day time frame (but does marry the petitioner eventually), never files AOS, goes home after one year (for whatever reason), the alien also has accrued sufficient time for a re-entry bar and is triggered upon departure. The marriage outside 90 days has no effect.

If a K-1 visa holder comes to the USA, does not marry within the 90 day time frame (but does marry the petitioner eventually), files AOS after 2 years, the alien also has accrued sufficient time for a re-entry bar but it is ignored as a result of the I-130 petition/AOS application and gets a greencard. Marriage outside the 90 days has no effect.

Moral of the story: Without the AOS application, you ain't got nothing...

[Blues Fairy 0]

Blues Fairy, in your opinion as a woman from the FSU, why would noll's fiance' stay under the circumstances? I have heard that there is a fair amount of derision if a woman is "sent back". Friends and family might view the end of the relationship, or at least the failure to stay long enough to establish residency, as a personal failing. Your thoughts?

I really cannot get inside that woman's head. Perhaps fear of derision upon return; perhaps she's just manipulative and is bitching and withholding intimacy to get some concessions out of her husband. If he has no clue what's going on, how could I possibly tell.

[jlogajan 0]

I hate to say it, but she has the classic signs of a GCG.

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

I've never been in this situation, but my husband was several years older than 45 when we got married and never at all considered that he was too old to find anyone again.

Personally, I don't think in your situation that marriage will suddenly make it all better, IMHO the sensible thing to do is have her leave before her legal stay expires and spend more time working on the relationship and communicating expectations and practicalities of the relationship before finally deciding. Sure, you have the opportunity to get married now, but isn't it better to only marry someone when you are both crazy about each other and both really want it? Isn't it better to be alone and have the chance of meeting someone amazing than stuck in a bad marriage (not that I'm saying yours would be, but it wouldn't really be getting off to a good start based on your current situation with her)? I don't understand the idea that just being married/in a relationship is wonderful - it only is if you both really love each other, if you have problems then it really isn't and you're not necessarily going to be any happier than you would be alone. Your fiance doesn't sound like she is too happy either - even if she has a better standard of living being in the US, she isn't going to really happy unless she truly loves you and wants to be married to you because you're you.

I hope it all works out for you both.

[Eric-Pris 1,609]

Have you two really talked about your future? I mean before you began the k1 process? I know my wife and I had a plan that we put together before we even started the long process. We had an agreement and understanding of how we wanted to do this and there was no indecision once she got here. We married in 4 days without any doubts.

The way you wrote that your story, getting married is a trainwreck in waiting. It will cost you a lot of stress and a lot of money in the long run. In my opinion, it would be better to just let her go home. She seems to have too many issues, the biggest being lack of intimacy. I agree with another poster that she shows signs of only trying to get the greencard and not being in love with you, or even willing to try to make it work. Even if the love isn't there to begin with, it is possible to fall in love and make it work, but ONLY if the effort is made by both sides. Just look at arranged marriages, for example. There are many stories where the people started as arranged and not really crazy about each other, but over time fell in love and lived happy lives. So it's possible.

But in your case, honestly, I don't think that will happen since she doesn't sound like she will put forth the effort. You seem to be willing to try at least, she doesn't.

I wish you luck.

[Jeraly 4]

thanks mox again, great advice. Just reading these comments makes me very aware how inexperienced I am at relationships in general, which is probably part of the problem in her not being attracted to me so much.

Well, by reading your posts, I get the impression that you really don't know why she's being the way she is. Again, hiring a translator for a couple hours might be very enlightening.

on the desperation comment, no not desperate, okay maybe a little but it is a normal emotional, it is how I play it out that is important. I can live with a lot of her faults because I like the good things I have seen (but need to see more)

"Desperate" was probably a little harsh...but basically if you're trying to make this work because you fear not having another chance, then you really need to re-evaluate. If she's not "the one," you have a lot of options. Heck, it may be that the woman you should be spending the rest of your life with doesn't even know you yet.

Not only that, but if you marry and get stuck in a relationship that wasn't meant to be then you're just preventing yourself from ever meeting "The One" - or at least being accessible if you do

[Tsup2 0]

There are 2 types of people: moody and not moody. If she is moody now she will always be.

[Knoll 1]

thanks again everyone, and slim, like you comments a lot, very good points and straight talk. So, there actually are other men who sleep on the couch or a different bed at times.

The odds are not in my favor at this late stage but I have one shot left, so to speak. One thing I will not do is allow her to overtstay her K-1. I will schedule time to sit down with an interpreter and talk about everything. We will either get married before the K-1 expiration or she returns home. But if we marry, we will both do it with the understanding that we will make a sincere effort to work it out knowing that we had to do it so as not to overstay the K-1. We both need to be on the same page with the understanding that intimacy is an important part of the marriage. If she keeps refusing any of my attempts at intimacy after we have the discussion with the interpreter, then I will not marry her (but I will explain this to her in advance). There is no one I know that has a successful relationship that did not have intimacy before marriage. Almost everyone does. Like it or not, it is reality of relationships these days.

So bottom line, I love her and want her to be happy, whatever the outcome is. If she wants to go home so be it. I have her ticket already. If it must end, I don't want it to end bitterly.

very grateful to all comments. It informed me and made me think about a lot of things.

noll

[Knoll 1]

mox, you are misunderstanding my position on intimacy. I don't have a fixation on it but rather a healthy perspective about intimacy, understanding that it is a very important part of a relationship, especially in the beginning (before marriage) and early in a marriage. It is huge milestone in a relationship to reach. It can be the "glue" in a relationship when times are tough and people can be less critical on their partner when they have a healthy intimacy. so...very important. I think most people reading this would agree.

[Gemmie 142]

"Find a time to sit down with her and a translator"? Can you two have a full conversation? Just wondering..

Edited November 13, 2008 by Gemmie