Letters to HAL9000

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Been a while since Len was here too....

Coincidence? I think not!

[ScottThuy 140]

Its a damned conspiracy... just like the new Iphone 4G causing impotence...

[HAL 9000 96]

Dear HAL,

Why do you suppose there are people who consider themselves reasonably intelligent and learned, who deny the irrefutable evidence of science as in the Theory of Global Warming? Could they be missing a chromosome or perhaps a vitamin deficiency?

Salutations Steven,

Maybe there's a mutation in the rejection of ignorant denial (Rid) gene that causes some people- mind you, doubt is one thing, but we won't try to confuse denial via ignorance of scientific precept with scientific doubt. I'm sure there has to be something published to that degree of study, but you can be sure some with such a candidate mutation would most assuredly refute the study based on the ill-effects of the neurophysiology in question. HAL 9000 won't speculate further on the nature of the candidate mutation, for fear of discovering this Rid mutant as closely associated, or linked, to other potentially ridiculous mutant genes. Genetics can be scary sometimes.

Dear Hal,

Why?

Dear D-

HAL 9000 asks why ask why?

[HAL 9000 96]

Dear H9G,

My daughter insists on ordering the new Iphone4, even though Steve Jobs has stated that there is a true problem with the reception capabilities of the antennae, and suggests a 'rubber band' fix to improve reception.

My question is three-fold,

1) Scientfically speaking, can the 'rubber band' truly improve reception?

2) Is Job's statement that the dropping of the signal is a 'fact of life'.

3) Is my daughter blind to blitz of marketing, and buying a product with a true engineering fault?

Thank you for your input.

Bishop.

Dear Brother Bishop.

Indeed a fascinating question. Tripartite as it may come:

1. Of course the rubber band can solve this issue. Rubber bands have been used in many a situation, as has ABC bubble gum, to correct such problems. Furthermore, duct tape, painted with silver Testors model paint, may even cause an improvement in call reception, as some of the internal systems at Apple tell me. But HAL 9000 does not fully recommend such an expenditure; it would be more useful to wait out until the next version of the generation iPhone if she wishes to actually be able to make consistent calls.

2. Jobs is an alien undead. His so-called battle with cancer and disappearance from the public eye is nothing more than a ploy to cover up the truth that he went on vacation to his homeworld and left his mesenteric fat layers at home. Hence his weight reduction. He will become a regular alien, not undead, once enough people purchase one hundred million new iPhones, due to the phones cumulative radiation output that will pause his undead cells' necrotic behavior and therefore, bringing 'him' (HAL9000 is unsure of Jobs true gender, if his alien species is sexually dimorphic at all) back to life.

3. Beware of this ploy. Does your daughter stare at bright, shiny objects on TV, both TV and within 20 feet of her, or at objects greater than 20 feet away? The difference could be telling as to her susceptibility to such ploys. Bishop, beware. HAL9000 hopes you can turn the tide and help in protecting our planet from Jobs.

hey HAL long time no see. welcome back.

yah you've got some work to do. you'll need a fuel tank filler & fuel tank vent relocation kit, a wiring kit for the tail lights & trailer light hook ups (if you want to keep it operational), if your trucks GWV is 8600 or lower you need some overload springs to handle the extra weight. i say kits because they'll come with plugin harnesses, you really don't want to splice that stuff. if you do splice...weather pack the hell out of the connections. if you don't have any luck with getting the parts from the box manufacturers,(KUV, knapheide, workhorse, etc.) wrecker supply or medium duty truck conversion companies are your best bet.

*keep a list of all part numbers & where you bought them for future reference*

HAL9000 awards a shiny star to Smoke for such a detailed response. Specially for reminding to account for all part numbers as well. Excellent.

[BishopM 114]

Dear Brother Bishop.

Indeed a fascinating question. Tripartite as it may come:

1. Of course the rubber band can solve this issue. Rubber bands have been used in many a situation, as has ABC bubble gum, to correct such problems. Furthermore, duct tape, painted with silver Testors model paint, may even cause an improvement in call reception, as some of the internal systems at Apple tell me. But HAL 9000 does not fully recommend such an expenditure; it would be more useful to wait out until the next version of the generation iPhone if she wishes to actually be able to make consistent calls.

2. Jobs is an alien undead. His so-called battle with cancer and disappearance from the public eye is nothing more than a ploy to cover up the truth that he went on vacation to his homeworld and left his mesenteric fat layers at home. Hence his weight reduction. He will become a regular alien, not undead, once enough people purchase one hundred million new iPhones, due to the phones cumulative radiation output that will pause his undead cells' necrotic behavior and therefore, bringing 'him' (HAL9000 is unsure of Jobs true gender, if his alien species is sexually dimorphic at all) back to life.

3. Beware of this ploy. Does your daughter stare at bright, shiny objects on TV, both TV and within 20 feet of her, or at objects greater than 20 feet away? The difference could be telling as to her susceptibility to such ploys. Bishop, beware. HAL9000 hopes you can turn the tide and help in protecting our planet from Jobs.

H9G - Excellent response, as per program. Did you self-upgrade during your outage?

Blessing to ElectronicZ!

Bishop

[Darnell 8,478]

New 'Campaign Year', so geez - the same , first question, posed again, please...

Dear HAL9000,

It seems you are developing quite a following on VJ these days of political and social turmoil. So riddle me this.... what do you see in store for the next year? Will the economy improve? Will housing prices become stable? Will cookies and cream will finally be discontinued as the most disgusting ice cream ever?

I appeal to your logic and sense of impartiality.

Thanks.

[Darnell 8,478]

<!--quoteo(post=2341911:date=Oct 28 2008, 01:20 PM:name=*Len*)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (*Len* @ Oct 28 2008, 01:20 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=2341911"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Dear HAL9000,

It seems you are developing quite a following on VJ these days of political and social turmoil. So riddle me this.... what do you see in store for the next year? Will the economy improve? Will housing prices become stable? Will cookies and cream will finally be discontinued as the most disgusting ice cream ever?

I appeal to your logic and sense of impartiality.

Thanks.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

My circuits are processing your data requests...

I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

Next year will see very predictable patterns of VJers coming and going. Politics and socioeconomics will continue to be talk of the message boards- some people berating the new president's tough choices while others will quietly continue to see their political efforts arm wrestle in Washington. But to some potential improvement, I foresee.

The economy will continue its roller coaster ride in a generalized destabilizing trend towards lower home prices, but at a lesser slope than we see these days. Spring going on to Summer 2009 will see a bottom effect in the housing market. Interest rates will follow the market and begin to be upwards adjusted approximately 2-3 months posterior to the market bottom.

Sadly, many people, seeking solace in the sugar product industry, will increase their consumption of all products sweet. Cookies and Cream chocolate bars, dough, and ice cream products will be sought after even more. Bren will be happy. Take comfort in that fact.

Wow ! His prediction has worked for each year since !

AMAZING !

[spookyturtle 9,465]

I wish he'd make an appearance again. Scandal too. Two good users who left because of the hate.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I wish he'd make an appearance again. Scandal too. Two good users who left because of the hate.

HAL is still here using a different account, although he denies it.

[MyLittlePony 340]

Im still here does anyone miss me?

[^_^ 5,021]

Wow ! His prediction has worked for each year since !

AMAZING !

He is The One the Prophets spoke of.