Habibi Has Arrived!

[caybee 21]

Lots of great posts here. I have nothing to add, really, except that there were adjustment bumps for us in the beginning too, and then the honeymoon started.

[Aymsgirl 0]

I agree with all of the posts and Julianna's seemed a lot like what we went through. You have an adjustment period and I believe it can take a longer time for some. When things get a little rough at our home I think well, he gave up everything to come here for myself and his son. How would I feel if I was in his shoes? That in turn changes the way that I feel about our rough patches. When I went there I always knew I was coming home and now he has no idea when that will be.

I would just advise this...when you argue or bicker never attack the character of the other person. Keep the topic of the argument the topic. Do not say you are stupid, curse at each other or insult your husband or his family and say I brought you here or this is mine, mine, mine. Not that this is something that has happened in my household but I have heard of it happening in others and it can make your husband feel like an unwelcomed guest not your husband.

I wish you the best and keep your chin up!!!

[Staashi 371]

These are all excellent posts - I would also like to toss my 2 cents in...my DH came here almost 4 years ago, and we haven't had it easy for anything. Money, jobs, family, household things...it is always something. There will be frustrations on both sides...my husband was a neat freak and I wasn't. I cleaned, but there were some things I would put off until tomorrow - oh no, not him...he won't sit until the house sparkles. I have changed my ways...I might still leave a pair of shoes out, but for the most part I am reformed. He has made concessions for me. It really does go both ways.

One thing though that I have learned...when you argue and you don't like what he said, never, never, never say "Whatever". OOOOOH that just pisses him off - it's like with one single word you just dismissed everything he is about. And in American culture that might be cute and trite...but with someone from a foreign land that $#!T just doesn't fly - what you're saying is I don't respect you or your opinions.

Also, I was very independent before he arrived - he was too. But, when he got here I wasn't prepared for this clinginess. It did go away over time after he adjusted to things. But, I will admit it was just finally last night that he said to me, "When you go to our friend's baby shower in Orlando (he has to work), enjoy yourself. You don't have to race on home...it's not like you have children to come home to - enjoy yourself." I was like, are you for real - where's my husband?

So, in essence, things take time - it could be a few weeks, months, or even years...but if you have faith and believe that God wouldn't have put you through all of this just to fail, you will make it.

Good luck, God Bless, and stay away from any sharp objects.

Edited July 23, 2008 by Staashi

[tammy2688 1]

Hello,

I am sure everything will be fine. I too had my share of fights and arguments due to the smoking factor and it sickened me that I had to spend 4-5 days out of the measly month I was there sitting around feeling pissed because he was smoking infront of me. But I got better and he stopped doing it infront of me. I am sure when he sees how freakin expensive it is, he will reconsider. my thoughts to you is to hold off on the particulars just yet. Believe me I know how it feels to know that they should NOT do something and do it anyway and its just irkingly annoying (because I myself have strayed away from irresponsible acts since marriage).

Why don't you guys go one a romantic date in the late evening, get some good food and some music in the room or a nice walk and talk about everything. I am sure he is just freaked out a little and I would be too if I just came here. But also remember Allah gave your husband to you a lot earlier than he did mine and others, and that is for a particular reason. Use this time to get your communication better and tell him what you want and make it clear to him you are willing to listen to him as well. I sorted many of my issues while my husband was in AP (no visa yet, but AP said to be done) and smoking, money, life choices, kids, etc, was all cleared out visa yahoo messenger over the long 11 months.

Its time for you guys to face reality and yes, some of the mush talk wears away but after he is balanced and feeling secure and stable, he will definately be more understanding and these issues right now will be a thing of the past. Insha-Allah Allah will put understanding in your hearts and your marriage will be a blessed one. We all must pass a rocky time to enjoy the sweet moments of life. Just let some time pass, and we will be hearing your lovely stories of all the fun moments ahead very shortly.

Tammy

[frustrated1 0]

I think it is one of those feelings of disappointment after longing for something so much that when you have it, you feel like it wasn't all that after all. THIS is pretty normal especially when you've been away from each other for so long. It doesn't take long for the novelty to wear off.

You guys have to get into a routine of a lifestyle where he's busy in his own stuff, look for work, struggle, whatever. Be apart during the day, come back, enjoy your evenings together, plan outings, vacations, drive to a nearby town and so on.

But a routine is very important where you both work together towards a goal and enjoy the journey together.

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Julianna,

Your lecture is quite an eye opener. It's so helpful to have these issues presented from a "scientific" point of view - it does puts things in different perspective. I am looking forward to the next installment of the much anticipated cultural anthropology 101 - keep the lectures going - we all may take away a valuable lesson - I know I did!

Dorothy

[morocco4ever 63]

Everyone here has some great ideas and advice.

I kind of relate it to how I felt when I would visit him in Morocco. At first it was new and exciting, but after a week I would start to miss home, family, culture, food, etc. By the end of my visit I was fit to be tied. I wanted so much to go home but I didn't want to leave him.

His stess is similar but worse. It isn't a visit, its permanent. I think about how I would feel if it were me in Morocco permanently. I would be so lost!

About his smoking, keep in mind he smoked when you married him. Perhaps when its time for a cigarette you can distract him with something else that will peak his interest. I really am not sure on that one since my hubby quit before we got married. But patience and understanding will help the bickering a lot.

Another thing, does he have enough access to talk to his family back home? My husband was going to sell his computer when he moved here but I convinced him to leave it there for them to have access to each other. I had no idea how wise that was! I think sometimes that is the only thing that keeps him sane on days he is homesick.

[sarahaziz 0]

My spouse has been here for a month or longer ??? Since the airport we were in honeymoon stage up about until couple of days ago we started having our first fights over stupid stuff. You're not alone and I believe it's sometimes not seeing each other all the time (bz with shool work)/missing the family/new environment/not being able to work all packed into 1. Making up and being friends again is great though Let him go out with your dad or brother any male figure close to u it will give you guys a chance to miss each other !

[caybee 21]

My spouse has been here for a month or longer ??? Since the airport we were in honeymoon stage up about until couple of days ago we started having our first fights over stupid stuff. You're not alone and I believe it's sometimes not seeing each other all the time (bz with shool work)/missing the family/new environment/not being able to work all packed into 1. Making up and being friends again is great though Let him go out with your dad or brother any male figure close to u it will give you guys a chance to miss each other !

This is a great idea.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Salaam everyone,

Hope this post finds you well. i just wanted to share the good news and ask for a little insight...

Habibi arrived 4 days ago via JFK... Alhamdulilah. He passed through immigration and customs no problem, got the work stamp, and everyone was really very nice to him. I am so thankful for that...

We are getting settled and i'm so happy he's here... but it's really hard. We are bickering all the time (mostly about $$ and his smoking, which is about his health and more $$), and i find myself asking if we will really be able to do this? It's not him... he's my Habeeb (except for the excessive smoking habit that somehow increased over the past year ) (i don't mind a few here and there), it's me... i'm the one taking issue with everything, and i'm starting to doubt that i'm even cut out for marriage. It's only been 4 days... is this normal for 4 days? i thought we'd at least have "honeymoon period".

i'm quite upset and find myself sad a lot of the time... and that can't make anything easier for him... he traveled a million miles just to be with me.

hz

I have been living in a quasi hell since he has been here. It has only RECENTLY gotten better but its still been hard. The smoking WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER SMOKED IN MY HOUSE goes on in a back room with the door open . The culture thing has been one thing after another.. some of his other antics I have talked about. I have had suitcases packed by the door about 3 times. Its not you. Its real. Things are getting better little by little but not before they got really bad in my case. Its day to day for me...but he has made some progress. I had to do ALOT of compromising and catering to survive these past 2 months

[amal 4]

I think for them it *can* be a double whammy of not only the whole immigration but loss of thier place in the world... which is very stressful. No matter how your Dh acts, he has grown up with certain social and cultural expectations to which he has more or less conformed to the best of his ability. He moves here, and not only is he alone and surrounded by a weird language, different music, etc, but he known no one except you, a girl, and his family is not just there for him always. his network of support is missing. He may have little experience with adjusting to this kind of thing before. he may also be facing the shock that he cannot fulfill the roles which he grew up with at the moment, and his gender issues can come out-- I know it has been hard for my husband at time and for other women's husbands whom I knew becuase they felt that they were not able to adequately "be men" as it were-- work, support, be independant, be a leader. I'd also like to stres that is also jsut plain being an adult as well-- imagine if you were sequestered in a strange country where you couldn't even figure out where the grovery store was and didn't drive, didn't have your own place, didn't have your oown stuff... you'd be pretty frustrated after a while.

It can be stressful for you because you are used to having things in a cerain social order yourself and this new person not only is intruding on your order, but he is likely not acting as you envisioned. Don't worry about it unless it turns very negative-- such as violent, etc. Adjustment is hard and varies from person to person. Some epople have a very smooth adjustment-- I know my husband and I were kind of tense for 2-3 weeks but then we calmed down and were fine.. but... he got a job the second week he was here and also he had lived apart from his family before for 4 years when he went to college.

i woulda said the same thing. The first few months are difficult. this is where u learn what we meant when we said.."you're gonna need patience, patience, and more patience". Hang in there and muster up some more patience.

amal

[Muh and me 18]

I have nothing to add to what the rest said except just take one day at a time. All these adjustments to each other and to each other's way is going to take time to get used to. Kamal and I argue constantly too and its stil taking time for us. I love him to no end and will fight for our marriage. Just remember how much you love each other.

[Nutty 2]

You are going through what I went through the first month.

We all think the seperation is hard and the reunion will be bliss. But reality is that the reunion can be just as stressful with its own set of problems. It's hard after living alone for a long time to adjust to having someone else in "your space" doing things "your way."

My husband is also smoking more and he has high blood pressure. I'm not happy about it either. But I can understand in a way because he is stressing too. So I can imagine this is "nervous smoking."

After one month we are doing better than the first couple of weeks. Getting into a routine.

So don't lose hope.

Salaam everyone,

Hope this post finds you well. i just wanted to share the good news and ask for a little insight...

Habibi arrived 4 days ago via JFK... Alhamdulilah. He passed through immigration and customs no problem, got the work stamp, and everyone was really very nice to him. I am so thankful for that...

We are getting settled and i'm so happy he's here... but it's really hard. We are bickering all the time (mostly about $$ and his smoking, which is about his health and more $$), and i find myself asking if we will really be able to do this? It's not him... he's my Habeeb (except for the excessive smoking habit that somehow increased over the past year ) (i don't mind a few here and there), it's me... i'm the one taking issue with everything, and i'm starting to doubt that i'm even cut out for marriage. It's only been 4 days... is this normal for 4 days? i thought we'd at least have "honeymoon period".

i'm quite upset and find myself sad a lot of the time... and that can't make anything easier for him... he traveled a million miles just to be with me.

hz

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Salaam everyone,

Hope this post finds you well. i just wanted to share the good news and ask for a little insight...

Habibi arrived 4 days ago via JFK... Alhamdulilah. He passed through immigration and customs no problem, got the work stamp, and everyone was really very nice to him. I am so thankful for that...

We are getting settled and i'm so happy he's here... but it's really hard. We are bickering all the time (mostly about $$ and his smoking, which is about his health and more $$), and i find myself asking if we will really be able to do this? It's not him... he's my Habeeb (except for the excessive smoking habit that somehow increased over the past year ) (i don't mind a few here and there), it's me... i'm the one taking issue with everything, and i'm starting to doubt that i'm even cut out for marriage. It's only been 4 days... is this normal for 4 days? i thought we'd at least have "honeymoon period".

i'm quite upset and find myself sad a lot of the time... and that can't make anything easier for him... he traveled a million miles just to be with me.

hz

I have been living in a quasi hell since he has been here. It has only RECENTLY gotten better but its still been hard. The smoking WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER SMOKED IN MY HOUSE goes on in a back room with the door open . The culture thing has been one thing after another.. some of his other antics I have talked about. I have had suitcases packed by the door about 3 times. Its not you. Its real. Things are getting better little by little but not before they got really bad in my case. Its day to day for me...but he has made some progress. I had to do ALOT of compromising and catering to survive these past 2 months

I'm happy to know you are doing ok. Just take care!

[AlHayatZween 2]

Hi Everybody,

Thanks so much for your supportive and insightful comments... i've been checking back in now and again, but just now got some time to write.

Yes, i tried to prepare myself as best as i could for his adjustment, but i guess i totally took for granted my own adjustment... we shared a space before, but it was different in Morocco, i guess because the stakes were different. i am having a lot of anxiety now i think because the thought of being financially responsible for someone else is really stressful for me. Sure, i thought i was prepared for the challenge, and i tried to organize my finances accordingly, but now that reality has set in, it feels very overwhelming...

and then of course, i hate being a person who worries about money!

On a happier note, Habibi is doing really well, despite the craziness of adjusting and the craziness of his wife . He's learning the NYC subway system, which is no small feat as Patti can probably tell you...! He's signed up for English classes next week, and he's started to take walks by himself in the neighborhood to clear his head, so i think those are all very good things, no?

Lastly, we made a no smoking in the house rule, and it seems to be holding...

Anyway, thanks so much for the ideas... i'm going back to work tomorrow, so i'll probably be posting again... this time with "separation anxiety" issues.

(F)

hz