Visa process and relationship strain

[MelissaJulian 30]

Is anyone else suffering (or if you're done did you suffer) from a strain on your relationship because of the visa process? Not like you want to just give up on it all or anything, but just like it seems like it's dragging both of you down, or you're fighting more? I feel like since we started this process, my fiance and I have more fights about stupid things than we ever did before, like someone forgetting to call the other, or one person getting freaked out about the wedding details and the other one not understanding, etc. We never seemed to be like this before we filed!

I guess it's the time apart and all of the forms that need to be filled and the not knowing when everything is going to be done, but I feel like this is just SO difficult for people emotionally. Am I the only one?

[Always+Forever 7]

You are definitely NOT alone!! I think everyone feels the same way atleast once during this crazy process. But my fiance & I live by the motto, "what doesn' break us just makes us stronger" And atleast we all have ppl on here to talk to!! Best of luck on your journey.

Monica

[MelissaJulian 30]

Thank you Monica! Good to know I'm not alone! I mean, it's bad because we have to go through it in the first place, but good to know I'm not going crazy!

Best of luck to you too.

[Fandango 1,439]

Even though I'm not even sure you're real, Melissa, I'm going to respond honestly for the sake of others who have the same questions who may be reading this.

I think it's easy to blame the 'visa strain' when in reality, it may be something intrinsically wrong. Not saying that it's always the case, but sometimes it is.

People have a way of romanticizing the distance, and rewriting history to make things better in retrospect than they actually were. I will share, to explain. As most of you old timers know, I was in a dual country relationship for 8 years, with the majority of that time being irl. I lived over in England and had a great time. He wanted to get married, I just wanted to have fun and be a carefree 20-something year old: travel, party, shop, etc. We lived together, and we had a blast. I moved back to the US, and finally accepted his marriage proposal and we began making concrete plans for the future.

The distance did put a strain on things, and I did blame 'The Distance' a lot. But in reality, it was more than distance: it was character flaws, incompatibility, etc. But I would always chalk it up to 'visa stress' and 'distance'. It was easier to do that than to take a hard look at my then-partner and wonder if the eyes that I looked at him with while we were 'just having fun' were actually measuring him as a potential life partner, or I just looked at him thru these 'oh he's giving up country to be with me! How awesome are we!!!??' eyes.

In the end, I did a lot of soul searching and realized that our 'visa journey'...as many others here, was pretty straightforward, so what's with all the 'stress' being the root cause of every problem? The same traits I enjoyed as a single woman with him were the very same ones I had problems with looking at him as a potential husband. And as far as 'stress' is concerned: as I say, go look in the waivers forum and look at all the couples who pull together as a cohesive unit while spending years apart with nothing but uncertainty hanging over them. Go look at military families who spend days on end apart, with spouses not knowing if their SOs are even alive at the end of the day. 'Visa stress' for a straightforward case iint he UK especially, is bollocks imo. It's a flippin cake walk. And although some might call me jaded, I happen to think that I am pretty well balanced and matter of fact. No one's shooting at you, as my dad would say.

So my advice for ANYONE would be to really look at your partner and see that person's true character. Take off the rose colored glasses with how romantic it all is, how the accent is so cute, how he or she is giving up this that and the other to be with you. If your SO is displaying traits which cause problems, then don't take the easy way out and blame 'visa stress' or 'distance', but really decide for yourself if you can live with that person. Because once you sign that I184, you are on the hook. And also, eta: those traits are coming over with your SO when the visa's here.

Edited August 6, 2010 by Happy Bunny

[Nik+Heather 121]

Actually, the visa process makes a lot of people crazy (like me). It's better once the visa is in hand, and although AOS can be just as much of a headache from the paperwork side, it's just not as trying because you're together..

[Mr&Mrs D. 4]

Don't worry hun! We are all going trough some hard times! Me and hubby fight over stupid stuff all the time! Comes with the territory you know! Don't you dare give up - nothing good comes easily! Wish you all the best!

[Rob and Jill 82]

Rob and I have had some doozies through the process, but I think that the impatience with this process is because we have already been together for 3 years and separated for those 3 years.

This has not been an easy process emotionally. Rob likes to put things off whereas I am an ####### rententive get it done kind of person. That has caused a few spats along the way.

As far as an increasing number of spats, I wouldn't blame it all on the immigration process. I don't believe either of you have been married before right? There is something to be said over the phrase "Marriage is work". Oh people say it is supposed to be easy, and true love is a walk in the park blah blah, but in reality two people combining their lives in to one does take a large amount of compromise, work, and finding the right balance of staying yourself, while merging with another. The silliest things will drive you crazy.

Example: My ex-husband used to make his breakfast in the morning and put whatever he made on a papertowel on the counter. (To keep from getting crumbs all over or whatever). He would then pick up whatever he was eating, walk right past the trash can, and leave the papertowel on the counter. It drove me absolutely nucking futs. To this day I absolutely see red when people leave something on the counter like that. While it seems like a small thing, it's because I was MISERABLE that something so petty bothered me so much.

Now, with all of that being said, personally, immigration has been a strain on me because I haven't seen him since January. It's been a strain because I don't know what is going on with HIS end of things. I couldn't get his police certificate lined out, or handle the problems that happened on his end of things. I still have no answer on an interview. I have given up trying to make wedding plans because I have no idea when he will be here. I'll make the plans when he's purchased a ticket.

In essence, I have worked really hard not to stress over it because it won't solve anything. I get annoyed when people ask me over and over "When will your boyfriend get here?" and I have to say "/sigh he is my FIANCE not my boyfriend, and as soon as immigration gets their $hit together." But, I can't let the small things I have no control over upset or bother me, and when I do get annoyed, I just try to remember that there is a reason we're going through this and eventually it will be finished.

Edited August 6, 2010 by Rob and Jill

[UKGirl123 24]

I just wanted to add my two cents....

Yes the visa process was stressful but my hubby and I didn't fight, I just complained a lot that it was taking to long and he would reassure me that it would be over soon enough.

If we fought I would have had serious doubts about our relationship as I believe we can overcome anything.

[MelissaJulian 30]

Thanks for that really long reply, Happy Bunny. I am real, even though this whole process is making me wonder sometimes if I'm not just making it all up!

We have been together on and off for about four years, a lot of which we have spent together in real life too, probably close to two years of it when you put it all together. We lived together for six months over there, so I got a good idea of what he is like to live with, and I found that even though I wasn't crazy about living in England, I wanted to live with him. We broke up for a while last year, and it really gave me a chance to figure out what it was that I liked about him in the beginning and whether it was a good idea to be together. Luckily fate brought him back to me and I am grateful for that.

I'm not saying we have it so bad compared to a LOT of people on here. I just saw him a few weeks ago, and I'm trying to find some time to visit him before he comes over after the visa. We had an RFE but in the end it was no big deal, it just caused a delay. I am thankful for all the little things that make our journey easier than most. But not being near to each other every day makes it harder to relate to each other sometimes, and we end up bickering.

Thanks also to everyone who has written with support. It's just a bad morning, I guess.

[Fandango 1,439]

Thanks for that really long reply, Happy Bunny. I am real, even though this whole process is making me wonder sometimes if I'm not just making it all up!

We have been together on and off for about four years, a lot of which we have spent together in real life too, probably close to two years of it when you put it all together. We lived together for six months over there, so I got a good idea of what he is like to live with, and I found that even though I wasn't crazy about living in England, I wanted to live with him. We broke up for a while last year, and it really gave me a chance to figure out what it was that I liked about him in the beginning and whether it was a good idea to be together. Luckily fate brought him back to me and I am grateful for that.

I'm not saying we have it so bad compared to a LOT of people on here. I just saw him a few weeks ago, and I'm trying to find some time to visit him before he comes over after the visa. We had an RFE but in the end it was no big deal, it just caused a delay. I am thankful for all the little things that make our journey easier than most. But not being near to each other every day makes it harder to relate to each other sometimes, and we end up bickering.

Thanks also to everyone who has written with support. It's just a bad morning, I guess.

I'm going to again speak generally here for a second, and I'm not implying this is about your particular situation, Melissa.

I get that it's hard to miss someone. My fiance is local, and we live together, but there was a time we didn't, and there were some days we didn't see each other. I now know the difference between 'true love' and 'settling' because I could do 6 mos waiting for my ex like it was nothing, but 2 days seemed an eternity away from my fiance now.

As I say, with straightforward UK cases, this visa thing is a cakewalk. Forms? I filled out more forms doing my taxes last year. I'm not saying it's easy to deal with gov't bureaucracies, but at the end of the day, isn't that life? Getting a credit on my cellphone bill for an incorrect charge took me an hour to talk to the right person. I could rant and rage about how ####### Sprint is, but it is what it is, and now it's done. So, result. So while medicals, and packet 3s , RFEs, and police certificates may be a pain in the azz, is it really the cause of two people fighting? Fighting over what, exactly? Wedding planning causing a strain? Isn't that the most ridiculous concept ever? A party to celebrate your union is causing strain on the relationship? Time to give the old head a shake and re-prioritize, if you ask me.

I used to love watching Bridezillas and seeing all the crazy chicks go mental. The grooms would yuck it up about their little 'zillas' and how they wanted everything perfect, but at the end of the day, it wasn't the wedding, it was the woman. And google how many of them are divorced. Even though I'm sure the show is partially contrived (I'm a sucker for some pretend drama, hint hint), you could tell the ones who were making the biggest mistakes ever. Then on the flip side, you watch that David Tuterra program where the bride just gives all the control to someone else to plan, because it's more about the union than the party. It really shows two different POVs.

It's all perspective.

I would love to really impart this wisdom on anyone I come in contact with, because it truly has change my life. I had a very near death experience which has changed my complete outlook on life, and that's why I'm so chill with many things. Because 99% of what we freak out about on a daily basis doesn't amount to sh!t when the day is done. So why not enjoy where you are RIGHT THIS INSTANT, safe, healthy, surrounded by friends, family, in love with a partner who loves you back, on the threshold of a whole new life. Pretty cool when you think about it that way.

[sachinky 464]

We didn't 'fight' per se, but there was a lot of bickering about nothing it seemed. I'm good with paper-work, so I handled all of that. My husband is much more laid-back and I did get a bit short with him often. With the 10 hour time difference and my sleep pattern being horribly screwed up, I guess I was a lot crankier and yes, bitchier, than I normally am. I am eternally grateful that Mr. Sachinky put up with all my BS. I swear to God, I threw one right hissy fit when we got our I-864 RFE. We had a 'real life' relationship, for lack of a better word, in college where we were attached at the hip 24/7 (classes, writing papers, partying, grocery-shopping) so being separated for nearly a year post-marriage was very, very difficult. The not knowing and uncertainty hanging over our heads was stressful. I still think if someone had told me last June, when I left the US, that I'd be back in May, I'd be okay. The worst part was the 118 day wait for the NOA2, that really took the mickey outta me. Thinking it could come anyday, anytime really and then going to bed, crying in a fetal position took it's toll on me.

We were also very naive about this process, we thought that since I'd just been in the U.S. on a student visa (that is still valid, technically) and that I had a SSN and had paid taxes for four years would mean that it would be a quick, easy, breezy ride through. We also, idiotically, believed the Calcutta Consulate who told us that the entire process would merely take 3-4 months (and they don't even issue immigrant visas!). True, we did have a easy interview and everything was relatively hassle-free, appart from some last minute hiccups. I cannot even begin to imagine the plight of couples who have to endure APs, or long waiver-trials or are denied after months of time, money, and energy being invested into it.

But now that we are together again, all of that seems like a distant bad dream. I'm now much more thankful for the time I have with him and waking up in the morning next to him, eating chips and guacamole in bed while watching HGTV--normal, everyday stuff that I basically took for granted before. He had a huge car accident last week while on his way back from work -- I've never been more scared in my life. Or prayed any harder. Thankfully, he's okay now and we're together. I truly believe that all little stuff will fall into place once the Big Things are taken care of.

Edited August 6, 2010 by sachinky

[Andrew + Bethany 4]

Bethany gets stressed about any kind of paperwork, so when it came to the important life changing paperwork she was a mess! I had to be very patient at times and try to reassure her things would be ok, and I guess it did put some extra strain on the relationship for a little while, but that's just part of the process I presume. You'd need to have two very laid back and chilled people for it not to affect the relationship in any way at all. But now I've been here 3 months, it's all just a distant memory

[marlea 84]

I agree with Happy Bunny, but I agree with the others too. Yes, this process can cause stress; it will for everyone, no matter how easy or difficult the process is. But the real question should be... how are you handling the stress? The visa process is a perfect set-up to create tension for couples who already bicker about things. "What do you mean, you didn't take out the trash?!" vs. "What do you mean, you didn't send off the paperwork!?" are very similar arguments. Getting a fiance visa is a process that is all about TEAMWORK. The two of you MUST work together to get it. There is really no step along the way that doesn't need input from both sides, from the G-325 in the petition to the I-134 for the interview. Basically, it's great practice for marriage. And if working as a team creates problems now, it will likely create problems later.

Sure, there is visa stress right now for me, but it has nothing to do with my fiance, and I haven't gotten angry at him once during this process. I know it will all get done, and I have given up the need to be in control of it all. He is a grown up, and he will get it done. We do have a wedding planned (yes, I know, the exact things people say not to do) but it's not for ages yet and I'm looking forward to him being here to help with the details. Yes, we will also be doing the whole "civil ceremony" thing beforehand to make it legal within the 90 days, and that isn't what I dreamed about as a little girl, but once I found the person I wanted to be with, I was willing to give up the girlish dreams and work with the practicalities at hand. Most arguments in a situation like this come from one person trying to control the other. It's not like you disagree on the fundamentals of what you are trying to achieve, right? So, that means that one of you is likely trying to make the other do something, control the situation, and that's not possible. The Embassy is in control. Blaming each other is pointless. I'm not going to ###### and moan about the process because it's what I chose. I chose my fiance, he chose me, so we also chose to deal with the circumstances that our relationship created which means applying for a fiance visa.

So, yes, the process is stressful, but that stress shouldn't put too much of a strain on the relationship. Instead, it should bring you together, in an "us against the world" sort of way. I actually feel like this process has helped my fiance and I grow closer because we are working together, as a team, and getting results.

Just my two cents.

[Ban Hammer 12,850]

one post with personal attacks removed, along with a post quoting it.

disagree without the personal attacks please.

[amykathleen2005 441]

For myself I tried not to let things bother me as much when we were apart. I know that things people say especially in print may not be exactly what they mean or what I take them to mean because you have very little contextual clues to base them on.

Now that we are married I tell myself every day that I am so lucky to be with him and that we have been through such a long process just to be together that I am not going to get upset over something petty.