cherryswife

You've been through so much. You can only move up from here. Start afresh on your own. That's what I did when I left my husband when I was fairly new to America. He too was a liar and he was a cheat. I got a place on my own and I am now 6 months into making it work for myself. Sometimes it was hard but it has been good too. You can do it alone. I wish you luck.

You've been through so much. You can only move up from here. Start afresh on your own. That's what I did when I left my husband when I was fairly new to America. He too was a liar and he was a cheat. I got a place on my own and I am now 6 months into making it work for myself. Sometimes it was hard but it has been good too. You can do it alone. I wish you luck.

This is one of the most creepily worded posts I've ever seen on VJ.

No, they usually just pipe up and claim to BE Irish, or Polish, or German, or Italian.
Leaving out the bit of course that this happened about six generations back. At least.

If I had a dollar for every time I had heard someone say that...

You are right. If you are explaining this to strangers, you might explain a little more, though. Like say "Sort of. She is from a small ethnic minor called etc etc." It can make people feel dumb to talk about something as if everyone should know it.

One way you might be able to save some money is on health insurance once he starts working, assuming you have no other dependents. It is $50 cheaper per week for my wife and I to have separate single plans through each of our employers than it is for the both of us to be on a family plan.

I've watched my wife go through this. How much harder it would have been if we had to live in someone else's home, I just can't imagine it. They give up everything to be here. Their jobs, family, the land they know and understand, their life style, I mean really its darn near everything. Then they get here and what do they find? They don't know how to get around, they don't know where they are, they can't work, when they can they're starting off below were they were before. Their comfort foods are all gone. Their friends are too far away. Everyone is a stranger, even you as their spouse suddenly is different because now you're living together and they see all sides of you. They are totally dependent on one person, and yes, its easy for them resent that. Add in they can't even eat the healthy meals they're used to? Of course he's going crazy. Of course there's fighting. You are the one on the home ground. You're the one who needs to be bigger. The one who needs to ignore and let go of comments made out in anger or frustration. You expect them to be grateful for all you've done to help you two be together, and down inside there is a place they are. But its hidden under a thousand daily frustrations for them. You're never going to understand all of the frustrations and emotions they're going through, but it doesn't matter. Its now your job to sympathize with them, to give them every bit of strength you can, to ignore any bad actions until they slowly start to come back to themselves. Some people are stronger on both sides of this. Some of these long distance marriages fail because of these frustrations. Do you want your's to be one that works? Then give it everything you have. As they get over these emotions and frustrations, the support you give now is the thing they're going to remember, and its great training when later hard times hit you.

lol
Well I ain't plannin' on never settling in a place like that, so if you wanna come over for dinner at my place, you better take your shoes off at the door.

I don't want street garbage in my house.

Honestly if I were you I would run, run away as fast as possible. It might be really hard to accept it right now but you will be glad you did in the future. I am sure you deserve a better man. Good luck!

AKSingh makes some very good points but the bottom line is that he's placing unreasonable demands on RKK by way of asking for a car and saying he wants his family (let's not forget dear brother) visit for 6 months every year.
Let's face it.....he's spending her money AND taking money from her parents when offered and asking for more for luxury items just because he thinks she/they can afford it.
Rkk already has fears and they should be red flags screaming out warnings for bigger things to come by way of his expectations.
It's commendable to try to make your marriage work but at what price? Are you willing to give up your ambition of becoming a doctor to be a stay at home mum if you have kids or are you willing to allow your parents to continue offering/giving him money and him taking it as your parents way of giving you support? Are they also co sponsors for you and your husband? If so they too are being roped into this and it won't end with just him.
He intends to bring not only himself to this marriage but his entire family. He wants to come to this country but isn't willing to integrate to American society but wants to bring all his traditions and cultures here to the states and expects you to live by HIS rules... that being as someone else already pointed out, that YOU come second to his family. That may be how things work in his country but I'm sure it's not what you pictured for this union with him. For this to work he will have to meet you half way and compromise where his family are concerened and so far he's not and isn't going to budge on that according to him. Not only is he not willing to make any sort of compromise but he's already placing demands by asking for a car which in itself should tell you that he's using you for a cash cow. Not only you but your parents too.
You and your parents have worked hard and planned well for your education so you can have a great future. He cannot see beyond getting his family here for a better life but wants YOU to be the ticket and family sized one as someone else so eloquently put it.
If he comes here and gets his green card you will not only be hooked but so will your family because you will need their help to pull this off. He will drag you down financially and continue to place guilt on you through your emotions to get what he wants (give an inch and he'll ask for and take a mile already proven by asking for the car) and he will make no hesitation in taking your family down too. He may say he loves you but that is just his way of getting what he wants because he knows he can charm you and that has already worked for him.
I know this hurts but the man has his own agenda and you aren't number one in his life. If you were he wouldn't place such demands on you.
At the risk of getting my post removed (and I don't mean to offend but I am not as diplomatic as AKSingh) I'm going to call a spade a spade and call this man a con artist of the most dangerous kind. This has red flags all over it. I actually couldn't sleep well last night worrying about you and for you and your family. This whole thing is making me sick so I can only imagine how and your family must be feeling right now.
Quick story top explain why this hits home with me so hard -
I met a man online once. He was my moon and stars or so I thought. He didn't have 2 dimes to his name so I went to him and he knew I had to work hard and sell things including jewelry and my car to make it possible for me to go to him. As I was telling him what I was selling he was asking "What else do "WE" have that you can sell? That should have been red flag #1. As I was preparing to leave the country I asked him what little thing I could bring him as a gift from my country. He knew money was very tight and it was a struggle for me just to get there. He asked me to buy him a $500 chronological (sp?) watch. Red flag #2. My jaw dropped and naturally I didn't buy it for him but I bought something else which he ended up hocking at a pawn shop 3 weeks after my arrival. I was devastated. Red flag #3 Further to that because I'd hit a low spot financially and he had no money my family sent money to help me out and against my better judgement I allowed him to drive me to where I had to pick up the funds. I wanted to take the bus but he insisted on driving me. His car broke down and I had to use some of my funds to fix it to get us back to his place. Red flag #4 - he knew the car would break down and told me he expected it would happen but wanted ME to pay for it. Again my parents helped me to get home but I got out by the skin of my teeth. I cried for a while but was so relieved I got out when I did.
I know that is an extreme story but a true experience and it has left me very sensitive and alert to "red flags".
Do be careful and I pray for you that you and your family aren't hurt and that the outcome to all this is good.
Take care and God bless.

I can see T R O U B L E spelled in big and bold letters here, sister. He's just gonna take you on a guilt trip, and five years down the line, you're gonna be left wondering what the hell hit you, if not earlier! my thoughts to you? Run while you can!

yup, it's the 10 year 'immigrate the family to usa' plan.
Good Luck !

Oops. My one-year-old decided to interrupt my post before I was finished.
You show an empathy for his culture, but seem to be oblivious to them showing any empathy for ours. They aren't fragile little children or robots that have only one programming. Allow yourself the dignity of having other people be as considerate of you as you are towards them.
You already made an agreement for 2-3 weeks and you have the option of extending that if you wish, so why is there a desire for an inferior option of hoping you can ask them to leave after 3,4, or five months?
I live with my wife's family when we are in the Philippines, and I expect them to live here when they come. This has nothing to do with a different view about living with parents.

Bored houseguests sometimes leave, sometimes they become a huge pain. Hoping they'll get bored and get lost on their own isn't how you solve this problem.

You are not over-reacting. This was an agreement, and there is nothing more important than the word of spouses between one another. It doesn't have much to do with parents visiting. It has to do with changing an agreement you made before you were married. If he is going to change 2-3 weeks into six months, (of every year?!) then what other agreements is he going to simply discard?
Don't take ####### about "compromising" with him in violating agreements. There isn't any point to making agreements in the first place if afterwards you are manipulated into changing them for spurious reasons. Presumambly we are talking about an adult here, not a six-year-old who wasn't capable of thinking through what an agreement means. You don't make cultural excuses for this. The time to have invoked that cultural matter was when you made the agreement in the first place. If he isn't a man of his word, then he isn't a man.
Most likely he made that agreement to satisfy you at the time, (prior to marriage) with the intention of manipulating you into changing the agreement later. If so, you can look forward to that kind of treatment for the rest of your marriage unless you prohibit it. It isn't really relevant whether a visa can be approved for this length of time - what is relevant is whether you can trust this guy.

How very thoughtful of you!
I am another foreigner who absolutely loves all things Wal-Mart! In fact, I was surprised at Americans' reactions when I happened to express my amazement of Wal-Mart. I have since learnt it is best kept secret. So I will put my hand up in support of your Wal-Mart idea.
Love the idea of luxurious soaps/shampoos and fluffy towels. Make it be a shower he remembers forever.
Enjoy!