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1 hour ago, tamcloud said:

I completely understand wanting to get along with your in-laws, or other people important to your spouse, but sometimes that doesn't happen for any number of reasons. As a Black American, I felt so many things reading your post. Sadly, I'm not surprised about what you're going through. Such attitudes are more prevalent than they should be in these "enlightened times", but it doesn't have to define your experience living in this country.

 

Don't lower yourself to their level; you're the better person in this situation. Don't let them make you believe otherwise. Don't give them that power over you.

If you don't want to spend time with them (I sure wouldn't), you shouldn't have to. You shouldn't have to prove yourself beyond your pledge to do right by and love their child. Your husband should understand and enforce that message.

Remember to maintain pride in yourself, your family and your culture; don't let them take that away from you. Ignorance can tear you down, if you let it. Don't.

You don't owe them anything; don't let them make you feel as if you do. I sincerely appreciate that you respect everyone you meet; you are owed the same consideration.

Forewarn your family. They need to know what to expect from these people. And, they need to know that despite how his family behaves, it's not a reflection on your husband's treatment of you or your relationship.

Please do have that talk with your husband about this situation. At the very least it should be understood that your home is your home, not theirs. They should afford both of you the respect they would expect in their own homes, if they want to visit.

Next time grandma calls...hang up (with a polite "I'll let him know you called" if you can) or pass the phone to your husband. Let him deal with that mess. 

 

You're taking steps to create a community that doesn't include them and that's important. Not everyone is able to do so. The more you are able to find ways to define your place in this society, the more your confidence will grow and they will become less impactful. Your relationship with your husband is what matters most. If the two of you can come to an understanding about what's needed for that relationship to remain healthy, things will get better.

 

Wonderful and empowering advice! Thank you very much, I will think of this when the times are tough. I will be sure to have that talk with my family. You made so many points that explained how I was feeling and thinking, that I just couldn't get the words out. But also things that I needed to hear.

I ended up speaking to my husband and we have agreed to set some boundaries. I wont be taking their phone calls anymore, or I'll be redirecting them to him. We have decided to do our own thing on the 4th of July and other holidays (lake beach this time because I miss the Australian beaches! Close enough right?) instead of going to their get together . We wont be visiting them on his one day off a week that we should be spending together. It's a nice starting point. I definitely re-evaluated the situation and found it very clear that although it's nice to want to get along with those that my husband is close with, I can't make myself unhappy by doing so. So while I'll remain polite in the situation, I'll politely be enjoying life without them.

15 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

This is a reminder of an excellent weapon, usable by and useful for All Wives.

Intentionally rearrange the furniture in your house at 2 a.m. multiple nights per week, or every night.

Be sure that your husband trips over it.

When he raises the issue, tell him that this will happen every night unless he supports you in dealings with his family.

Positive response is 99.44% guaranteed.

Excuse me while I rearrange THE ENTIRE HOUSE so that every item is on the floor. Oh I'm just kidding 😂

Thank you everyone for your great advice . To those who think this should have been clearer than what it was to me, when you are in a situation such as this, having just moved to a new country, just remember it is easy to feel isolated, lonely and a little depressed. It may not have happened to you, but some people can lose sense of what the right thing to do for themselves is. Yes, that isn't right, but I am only human and this happened, I felt stuck, I missed my home in Australia and family as many of you do too. Obviously not everyone will fall into this, but I came here for advice and I got exactly what I needed. I was missing a whole point that I didn't see before. Thanks again guys!

6 minutes ago, YecaCruz said:

wow! That really sucks what you are having to go through. While I don't have a similar story I will say that your husband needs to be like a "gatekeeper" between you and his family just as you are between yours and him. He is the one that can keep most of that junk from getting to you. If his family are being jerks he's got to be the one to put a stop to it ultimately. Take any means necessary. As above suggests, cut off visiting time if you have to or move away (easier said than done). You are husband's priority now not them. He married you not them. 

 

My husband has kept many of his acquaintances and distant family at bay asking for money and other "helps" now that he's in the states because in the 3rd world, living in the US automatically means you have lots of money to give away.

 

The trick is using the right "touch" as my husband would say. You don't have to be jerks in return when getting your point across. Be firm, be brief, and humble. I can't tell you how many times my husband has apologized without it remotely being his fault (many times with me). Those two words "I'm sorry" smooth over a lot of things. Once one of his step brothers out of the blue was like "you have forgotten us blah blah you shame our family cuz you never talk to us (not true, AND this particular step brother had NEVER once texted my husband)". They aren't even close like buddies or anything. It was just because he got to the states; and this particular step-bro was jealous and had other stuff going on in his life and was definitely taking out his personal issues on my man. So Mike swallowed his pride and was like "hey man I'm sorry I haven't communicated with you, I will try better. However I will point out that you haven't communicated with me...ever. That's not how you greet someone. Again, I'm sorry about that and I will try better." That guy hasn't said anything dumb like that since then. .

 

If you want to try and salvage this "relationship" and at least leave on good terms you may have to be the one to swallow pride and say "I'm sorry if I offended you" but leave it at that. Your humility/ being the bigger person might even eat away at their conscious. Actions speak louder than words. I can tell you another story that happened to my husband concerning that but I won't bore ya.

 

I can only tell you with what I've witnessed with my husband in situations similar to this. If you have to, pass the phone to husband if they call you and give you the run around like that. You don't need to be taking that! Let them call you names but let your husband start dealing with it!

 

I really hope you find a resolution to this; can be such a strain on your marriage!  

Thank you, this helps me to feel better! Hearing about your circumstances and your husbands actions helps me to think about what I'm going to do and you've given me some good advice . I'm also sorry you two are going through that but I'm glad you both work it out.

28 minutes ago, Tanish said:

That is really horrible, what you are facing. (I can't say I can relate, as my wife is also of Indian origin) Because of this, please disregard my suggestion if it is completely out of line.

 

Please try and discuss the option of moving a bit further away from family with your husband. Maybe a farther city or a different state probably? I know, it may not be a possibility, but it never hurts to discuss (if you believe you can discuss this without it worsening your relation with your husband). A little less contact with the family may help you adjust a bit better.

 

I really cannot think of anything else. I hope you get through this. Good luck.

 

Thank you! We recently bought a house and it's a 40 minute drive from the area we used to live in which is close to his parents. We didn't move as far as everyone has suggested, but even the 40 minutes has helped keep some form of distance.

28 minutes ago, USS_Voyager said:

Unfortunately, racism wide, the USA is probably the worst in all of the modern Western societies, certainly worse than the UK, Europe or Australia. I am sorry you're facing this. I really don't have much advice to give you. Just wish you good luck, and know that you're a not alone. 

Thank you!

19 minutes ago, yuna628 said:

Hi OP,

 

You say your husband is supportive and helpful, and while that is good - there is a pattern I'm noticing here. He doesn't seem to be standing up for you after they have treated you disrespectfully. From a personal standpoint, I know my husband would never tolerate racism or such behavior from either his family or my family, and vice versa. I recount a tale from my mom in the early days of her marriage, when my dad's parents (as racist as could be) wanted to come over and continue that same behavior (she was additionally peeved off by smoking around her babies). My dad wasn't one to rock the boat with his parents, but my mom just couldn't tolerate it, and in the end he supported her. They never came to visit again, because, well, they didn't want to change. That may sound horrible, if not painful - but my dad understood and respected his wife and kids enough to not want them exposed to that on a regular basis. That's not to say that my dad wouldn't take us kids to visit his parents on occasion.. and of course I'd learn all sorts of inappropriate things (but it taught me how *not* to be). Sometimes you have to put a foot down. It often works out better if the child of the in-laws makes a strong stance, even though it can be difficult and messy. It is not enough for your husband to agree that the behavior and the situation isn't tolerable. A boundary must be set.

 

If I were in this situation, I would not associate your visiting family with the in-laws at all. Is it awkward? Yep. You don't seem to be in a situation that is complicated with living with the in-laws, and sounds like you have your own place. I know adjusting to life in the US can be difficult, but ultimately you came here to have a life together with your husband, and as sad as it can be, not to his family. You can be polite but firm and not actively put yourself into situations where you encounter them - but ultimately he has to back you up on this. I do not want to sound like I am blaming him, but I think you are going to have to communicate largely what is going on, and that something may have to give.

 

Thank you very much, you have raised some great points and I'm happy you did. I did at one point question in my mind, why my husband wasn't standing up for me more and helping us to set some form of boundaries, but I brushed it off as selfishness (wrongfully). You're right, that isn't selfish, it's ensuring we continue a healthy marriage which I've moved here for. This has given me the boost I need. I'm going to have a conversation with him tonight about boundaries and the visiting situation .

14 minutes ago, CaliforniaLovin said:

First off I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Your in-laws sound horrific. Racism should not be tolerated in any shape or form. It looks as though your husband is fully supporting you though, which is brilliant! 

 

However, it doesn't sound as though it's life in the USA that you're struggling to adjust to. It's the family. I've had issues settling in the USA too, but it's regarding the process, foods and just stuff in general I'm getting my head around. I have a 5 month old I have to shop for too and it's hard here as the doctors and processes are very different to the UK. Anyway, getting back to you... Can you and hubby move slightly further away from the in-laws or maybe restrict the amount of interaction you have with them? In-laws can really meddle in a relationship, trust me.. From experience (had similar in-laws in my previous marriage) the only way to deal with awful in-laws is to keep your distance and when they say something stupid (just say f off in your head) but don't rise to it. They want you to react and the more you do, the more they'll carry on. 

 

I'm regard to settling in, I honestly think if you don't get out enough, you'll get cabin fever. Can you volunteer locally or maybe join a gym or find a meet-up where you can meet other people? Try and keep the in-laws at arms length.

 

Hope that's helpful. Feel free to reach out if you need any advice x

Thank you, this instantly lowered my stress levels (which are sky high). I'm also sorry you are going through that. You've given me some good advice! Volunteering is something I hadn't even thought about.

Hi, I have been searching online for a place to share my experience in hopes that others can help me feel somewhat normal or give me some advice. I moved to the US in March and I'm just finding it so hard to adjust to my new life. I'd spent at least 6 months of holiday here in the US over a few years before actually moving here, but I didn't realise how much it would hit me, actually moving here. Before I begin, I should let you know that my husband is so supportive, loving and caring, I just needed to express myself somewhere where other people may be able to give me advice or relate.

When I moved here things started to change. My in-laws actually started to get on my nerve, almost as if their true selves have come out at me now that I'm living here and am family, which is expected. But a few of them have started saying incredibly racist things in front of me (half of my family are darker skinned, I'm the lightest skinned person in my family so I think at times they forget about my family). I decided that although I don't agree with racism, I can't change their minds so I should just ignore it. I said something once like, "Hey, you do realise that half of my family is darker skinned and they wouldn't hurt a fly, please don't generalise an entire race based on what you've seen on the media today" and it didn't go too well. 

The other week my husband asked his mother if the certain people in the family could please refrain from the language they use and stories they tell when my family come to visit. My family are only visiting for 2 weeks and they would be staying at mine and my husband's house anyway - so truly, it'd be refraining from the language for a few hours of their lives. I didn't ask him to say this, but it was obviously a concern of his too. Later, at the dinner table my mother in law and my husband's grandmother started slaughtering ME for my husband's suggestion (this was dinner in a public place). They started going off at me calling me disrespectful, saying that he only asked them that because I forced him to say it (totally untrue). I sat in silence because I was unable to even get a word in over the finger pointing and yelling at me. I got up, went to the bathroom to take some deep breaths and went back to the dinner table and planned to just pretend this never happened. I couldn't, the second I sat down I had fingers pointed at me again. They just needed to criticize me for anything and everything. I was humiliated, I actually started to cry so I left with my husband before the main courses even came out. When I left I even did that with respect (I seriously show everyone in my life respect) I told everyone I loved them but it was just too much for me.

I couldn't understand what happened, or what I did wrong. I was upset for a while and I still am. But a few days later I got a phone call from my husband's grandmother, I thought maybe she was going to apologise. Instead, she told me that I should have apologised. I asked her why and she couldn't give me an answer. I finally stood up for myself in that phone call, I'd rather be lonely than treated badly. Before all of this, I really got along with my husband's family as much as I could, with just ignoring the racism from that handful of family members. I'd relate some of the things they say to Hitler, honestly. His mother has started being nicer to me lately, and I converse back politely but it just doesn't feel the same.

My husband is lovely company and has been a great support. He's fully aware that I'm very unhappy with his family and he agrees that what they did was awful, but he works 6 days a week, 11 hours a day. I don't have other family here (probably like many of you). To keep my mind off of the negatives I focus on group fitness classes I attend and I am enrolling in a college. I already have a degree but I want to take some classes while I can't work, so that I can meet some people and learn something new. I have met some people I really like but it's going to take some time to build close relationships. I guess for now, all these positives don't feel like positives. I want to travel a bit when I get my AP, maybe that'll make me feel a bit better.

What's your advice? Can you relate? I'm feeling quite upset with how things are. It's hard to adjust enough, but with this issue its made it much harder. I thought I had it in me to keep the peace in this situation, but it all came tumbling down even when I kept my mouth shut. I'm not looking for sympathy, more so just to feel normal and possibly to have some suggestions on how I could handle this. I'm still not comfortable with his family and I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive.

Thank you if you read this giant post.