sofyab

I have a hard time with women who fall in love with men in Ghana and Nigeria without having met, likewise men who fall in love with Filipina women over the internet.  And then they are in a mad rush to get married.  The populations as a whole are not the issue, but marriage fraud is big businesses in those countries. The likelihood that person who knows all the right things to say has been coached or has scripts. 
 
I also question why anyone "shops" for a spouse in other countries. One thing for a relationship to begin as you get to know each other, but quite another to decide to look for the love of your life by grabbing a map. 
 
Tell someone that the Mr. \Ms. Right they never met could bring heartache and they get mad and don't want to hear it. 

My now hubby did the same thing. A few months after we became friends online he offered to send me some cash (less than $100) because I mentioned that I wanted to buy something, I don't even remember what it was. After he insisted again, I said to him " I have a job and I can afford my own things." 
 I'm very old school I guess but I would never feel good if I accept that money, not matter if it was only $10. Besides I did not even meet him in person yet so the whole thing did not seem correct.
About the age difference, I feel the same way. I do wonder what a 60 something year old retired man will have in common with a 20 year old girl from another country (usually 3rd world country). Oh boy I guess I'm getting older and I don't have my rose tinted glasses with me all the time. 

Yep. My husband (when we still knew each other online only) wanted to send me money couple of times - I was in complicated financial situation for a while and he wanted to help out. 
 
And I refused. I'd never take money from him also because I didn't knew him yet and I didn't know things would workout out between us or not - and I didn't want to be in his debt. 
 
And no offense but the poster mentioned age difference... I'm one of those people who really don't believe in love between 60 year olds and 20 year olds... And similar age difference. Older Americans brining in spouses who could be their children should probably expect higher chance of scam. 

Controversy ahead:  Don't marry someone from a country or circumstance that might push them towards seeing America as an economic or situational improvement.   
 
Even if not for visa fraud, just for marriage success purposes.  Having two partners who start on a level playing field preempts so many problems.  
 
Pick someone from a culture very similar to yours, with similar morals, beliefs, and ideas about family.  Don't just listen to their words...know their culture and their background and accept the high likelihood of them being a product of their culture.
 
Further controversy: Stop importing younger spouses to be glorified maids, sex-bots, and rent-a-wombs.  There is a major source of visa woes. 
 

As a Belgian immigrant with much better healthcare and social security in her home country and who paid for everything herself and submitted everything herself (and I know I am not the only one), I think this is awkwardly aimed at very specific people from certain countries? Haha.
 
Anyone can be a victim of abuse .... or an abuser, even people like me (obviously not saying I am one).
 
I agree with the other tips: you need to see each other plenty, and try to live with each other in a non-vacation style. Vacation makes everything more fun and you are much less likely to have a fight. You need to have a few arguments to see how the other person reacts to an argument: do they suddenly get hostile, or super-subservient? Red flags. Cook each other dinner, or make your own lunches when you go somewhere to get to know eachother's likes and dislikes. Someone who just happens to like EVERYTHING you like (for food, clothes, movies, ...)? Red flag. No two people are alike, so there will be differences. 
 
Make sure you talk about money, job, and children before you start this as well: do you both truly want kids? If you do, how will you raise them, and will someone stay home or not? What are your big achievable dreams in life? Are they more or less able to line up with each other (cf if someone wants to climb the highest mountain, and the other person does not even like any activity at all, that is going to take a lot of sacrifice from one person)? Is the current job the job of your dreams or do you want to do something else? What were some big things in your life that made you into the person you are? Are you a or an ### when you are drunk/sick/angry/sad/...? What are your weak points? Are there household chores you love or detest? How will you divide the household work? How will you arrange the money issues while the other person is not allowed to work (or does not have a job yet)? How will it be arranged once you both have a job? What about expectations about sex? Every day, a few times a week, once a week, once a month, longer? Who will do most of the cooking and why exactly? What of these things will change once both of you have a job?
These are all details that need to be talked about and talked about. This is the rest of your life, so you need to make sure you are compatible; does not need to be 100%, but about 70-80 is achievable (that includes the areas where you just don't care as that means you don't care what the other person will decide for you). Red flags: they do not seem to be interested to talk to you about these things, they avoid these talks at almost all costs, they get hostile with most of these things, they have not seemed to have thought about any of this before, they tell you whatever you decide is fine (no it is not. Ever met a person who truly meant that?)
A lot of these things can be discussed without seeing each other, but often are not talked about. Note that some of these may change once you are about to make the transition, so make sure to talk to them about it again after a year or so.
Don't focus on the pleasant things like your heart wants you to. These boring practical things are suddenly important once the initial buzz fades a bit (which is a normal development in any relationship), as they make up most of the structure of your day and week and months and years.
 
 
In addition, I have talked to a few people in person who specifically look for a wife from a specific nationality because they have heard they "make great wives" (in both the domestic and sexual sense of the word). I just had to stand there and bite my tongue at the stereotypical and shallow comments of these male American citizens who had incredibly specific expectations of their future wives (they needed to become a caretaker, clean the house and cook, and have their children as fast as they could; it sounded like a slave).
To me, this sounds like men who are bound to attract women who will suddenly "change out of the blue" when they actually get to the US. It's easy to play into that stereotype of these desperate men, if you are desperate to get out of your country.
Note that I am not trying to imply that this is why US citizens become a victim of visa fraud. I am sharing another type of context wherein I can see fraud being easy.
 
 

OP, perhaps, I'm too late, but  I would like to add my two cents.
First of all, I'm amazed at how quickly some VJ members jump to conclusions and how eagerly they give advice like "send them back." People are not purchases from Amazon that you don't like, they can't be just "sent back." It is flat out inhuman to say things like that.
Second, it is disheartening to see that the concept of "cultural humility" is so foreign even among immigrants and those who have immigrant spouses. The demands for new immigrants about quick and fully assimilation immediately after moving to the US are unreasonable and unrealistic for the majority of us. Acculturation is a long and painful process. Some it takes months, some spend years trying to adjust to their new country. Most immigrants go through severe mental challenges and need help with their adjustment. Guys, please be kind to each other!
OP, I believe I can understand what your wife is going through right now. I can relate to her low self-esteem and her anxiety regarding her limited English proficiency. It is normal but, at the moment, she might be not able to understand that due to her depression. Acquiring English skills as an adult is a slow process indeed, it takes patience and perseverance. However, it's entirely doable. I'm 45 now, and as you can see my English isn't perfect. Nevertheless, two years ago I couldn't write in English. Currently, I am enrolled in a Master's program in a big university and am doing well. Ever since I moved here, I struggled, cried, and questioned myself a lot. But I am fortunate to have my amazing husband by my side, who never gets tired of reminding me how smart I am and how much he believes in me. Marriage is a team project. It is a long project. 
During past ten months, I learned a lot about coping with a culture shock. Should your wife wish to talk to someone who had the same experience, please PM me.
 
I sincerely wish the best to both of you. 

What savings would you expect from a woman coming from a country where an average salary is 300$ a month ? So you think the woman should sell her condo to “ contribute “ but you find this normal that a grown up man owns no property to his name and expects his wife to sell her premarital property ?  
 
First, as a person who went through immigration myself I dare you to move to move to another developed country with its own language, unique cultural heritage and traditions  like let’s say France and start working so you can “contribute”. Let’s see what job you can get and what amazing career accomplishments you can achieve in a  mater of months without speaking any language.  I’m sure potential employers would be thrilled to hire a person with 0 local job experience and mediocre language skills for a high powered position or even an office job. The fact that someone even has an audacity to say “ why can’t she contribute “ just shows how ignorant you are of the whole process. 
 
 
 

I wouldn't and likewise for him.  Have you ever lived with your in-laws?  My husband did for a year and I can tell you that it put an immense strain on our marriage.  Heck, even just living with my own mother makes me want to scream and pull my hair out.  
 
Love doesn't easily get you through a lot of things in a marriage.  You know what does?  Perseverance, struggle, and a serious dedication to the commitment of marriage.   A fair number of marriages don't have that and it isn't a lack of love that leads to their demise.

For once,  this is why I think there is two sides to this story and you cry wolf while not exactly being a great guy yourself. You emphasize your daughter being lazy - do you not know - it’s cultural for Russians not to work after graduating from college and enjoying your college years ? Try to be culturally open and receptive to other cultures - that’s not being lazy, that’s the norm for someone.
 
Just because American culture teaches us that we should be working like slaves starting from age 16 ( I worked started at age 16 and then eventually 3 part time jobs to put myself through college ) doesn’t mean that’s a norm for others, Europe whether eastern or western has a different culture when it comes to working in general. My niece who lives in Russia doesn’t plan on working either until graduating from college and that’s a standard. 

I’m not obsessed with looks, the original poster mentions it several times so he clearly is and it clearly factored into his decision to marry this woman he doesn’t seem to have much in common with in terms of emotional connection and hobbies since he bashes her for watching Trash TV and etc. 
 
Speaking of looks, I don’t think it’s healthy or natural for a 20 yo chick to be married to a morbidly obese 48 year old man like David from 90 day fiancé. Otherwise, we’d see those couples all day every day in our regular life. 
 
The OP probably brought a woman who was outside  of his league “ he wondered how someone so beautiful could be single “ and is now bashing her when it was clearly contractual - not wife in exchange for a comfortable life. 

I have no obsession with supermodels - I simply used the term to exaggerate how ridiculous OP expectations are in regards to his wife - reminds me of David from 90 day fiancé who is a total loser but expects his beautiful Thai wife who is his daughters To be by his side through his “financial hardship”. He seems to have obsession with looks - he mentions them multiple times in his posts - so I just simply said send the wife back and see how well you do with local hotties. 

The fact that he had to marry and bring someone from abroad tells me that other professional ladies are probably not looking his way or he would have married someone locally by now instead of spending thousands of dollars bringing someone over from abroad. 

So let me get this straight:
 
You brought over a beautiful educated woman with master’s degree who would probably be aside from the fact that she is an immigrant otherwise totally outside of your league and you are baffled and frustrated that she doesn’t want to work as a house cleaner ? 
 
She comes from a second world country - but nevertheless she was probably white collar status with her accounting degree, now besides dealing with pressures of acclimating to new country, new language and new environment you want her to work a manual job like a high school drop out  ? Your sister OWNS her company, so it’s different for her - it’s her small business, and she’s invested being a business owner - for your wife to move here and then expected to immediately work as a house cleaner with her years of education  - I’d be pretty frustrated with you too. 
 
Living with in laws is another diffeeent story, she already is crawling out of her skin being in a new environment and then probably has your parents judging her every move.
 
I would do both a favor and send them both back so they can start a new life. Im sure once you are single and rid of them - skinny local supermodel looking women (20/10s) with technical masters degrees from acclaimed universities will be lining up to live in a small town in Alabama with no car in your parents house by the dozens. Oh wait, the average size for a woman in Alabama is what 16? 

TBH I've always guessed that people (generally men) who make comments like this have unrealistic expectations in their partners.  I spoke to one or two men from Australia who have gone the "mail order bride" route and specifically looked for women of Asian or Eastern European origin because they "know how to treat their men" which based on watching their interactions translates into "will be a doormat, acquiesce to all my demands despite me meeting none of their needs except room & board, and be the perfect early-century meme of a housewife by cooking, cleaning & being enthusiastic in bed without a word of complaint"

I know it's a generalisation based on a few bad eggs, but I've always said that "some stereotypes are commonly accepted for a reason"
 
As for OP's original question: It doesn't, and shouldn't, matter. 

I agree with another poster who pointed out that divorce was much less common back in the day because people worked harder on staying together. There wasn't the generally accepted "well, it just didn't work out" because people made it work. Now obviously I don't think people in abusive or neglectful marriages should stay together, but when you're not happy for no specific reason, that's the time to really knuckle down with your partner and work to fix it, not just shrug and say "I guess I'll get a divorce and see if that changes" but that's just my opinion and since I'm not in anyone else's relationship, I can only talk about my own experiences and how I think/feel in regards to marriage. 

I agree, but in my understanding USC should be responsible for immigrants basic needs such as shelter and food. All extras are just that... "extras". He agreed to support her but her going or not going back home will not impact if she will become a public charge. 
And he did not bring her here, they were going through the process together. I have a feeling that OP would love to buy her a ticket but he just can't do that for financial reasons. Time for her to learn that he's not obligated to support her "wants". 

Great points.
As an immigrant wife I would think that first of all this process was financially difficult on my husband. Tickets, fees, lawyer etc - it all adds up. He now has to pay $500 a month for my insurance. It's not easy. 
I have a career (or - used to have lol), I have an education, I can take care of myself and I also realize how difficult this process was. It did not work out and I want to go home - so I'll buy myself a ticket. Because I can and because I know how much he's done for us to be together. This would be the least that I could do for us.
 
But that's just me. I hope the situation described in your post would not happen. To anyone ever.
 
 
 

If she wants to go and doesn't want to come back, just let her go. I've learned that some times you have to learn to love with your brain instead of your heart