rkk1

That thread is extremely weird. The OP asks a particular question, explicitly(!) requested the discussion to be civil and what does she get? "Huge disaster", "sh*t", "your relationship is doomed"...
First of all, it's EXTREMELY RUDE. Did OP ask anybody to judge on her marriage?? Do you not think that such a behavior is much worse than accidentally using a taboo word? Or are you sadists enjoying trying to destroy OP's marriage?
Second, those remarks are not only extremely rude, they are also extremely biased. I consider it to be well-known that Indian people have quite a different standards and customs when it comes to marriage ( ever had of arranged marriages, btw? ) and are much more willing to search ( and find! ) for compromises and reconciliations in their family lives. What I see in that thread looks like some VJers trying to impose on OP their way of thinking and their standard of what is considered "abusive" and "unacceptable". Very ironical they are the same people who say such nice words about being open-minded and politically correct... Shame on you people.
rkk1, good luck to you! Don't pay attention to those saying "your relationship is doomed"! Fight for your marriage and succeed!

Reverse discrimination is a good topic (to which I enjoy discussing), but it will open a whole different can of worms as people have many opinions on this topic. If you want to discuss this, please do start a new thread. Otherwise, it will take over this thread, which wasn't my intention. My intention was to ask here if people's attitudes change after coming to the US... so I really don't want to steer the issue to reverse discrimination. Thanks.

Reverse discrimination is a good topic (to which I enjoy discussing), but it will open a whole different can of worms as people have many opinions on this topic. If you want to discuss this, please do start a new thread. Otherwise, it will take over this thread, which wasn't my intention. My intention was to ask here if people's attitudes change after coming to the US... so I really don't want to steer the issue to reverse discrimination. Thanks.

Do realize that I usually post here when I'm frustrated, not when things are going well. 95% of the time, he and I are happy... it is just 5% of the time, I have some major issues with him. Still you are right that these issues have been enough to where I have thought about divorce, even very recently. I still cannot say with any certainty that our marriage will work out, due to our different ideologies on important issues. He does not want to come to the US as he's been dragging his feet on taking care of visa paperwork, yet he is still proceeding forwards for me. He says he wants our marriage to work. I think calling the relationship a "huge disaster" may be premature, as couples usually have a lot of adjustment issues their first year or so, as we definitely do. We made the mistake of marrying too fast, and now we are trying to work out our differences. Although things may end up not working, I still think my marriage deserves some effort right now... so I can at least know I tried everything I could. My husband is really not a bad guy at all, he has a lot of great qualities which I love about him and would be hard-pressed to find in another person, but our ways of thinking is just vastly different.

Do realize that I usually post here when I'm frustrated, not when things are going well. 95% of the time, he and I are happy... it is just 5% of the time, I have some major issues with him. Still you are right that these issues have been enough to where I have thought about divorce, even very recently. I still cannot say with any certainty that our marriage will work out, due to our different ideologies on important issues. He does not want to come to the US as he's been dragging his feet on taking care of visa paperwork, yet he is still proceeding forwards for me. He says he wants our marriage to work. I think calling the relationship a "huge disaster" may be premature, as couples usually have a lot of adjustment issues their first year or so, as we definitely do. We made the mistake of marrying too fast, and now we are trying to work out our differences. Although things may end up not working, I still think my marriage deserves some effort right now... so I can at least know I tried everything I could. My husband is really not a bad guy at all, he has a lot of great qualities which I love about him and would be hard-pressed to find in another person, but our ways of thinking is just vastly different.

Do realize that I usually post here when I'm frustrated, not when things are going well. 95% of the time, he and I are happy... it is just 5% of the time, I have some major issues with him. Still you are right that these issues have been enough to where I have thought about divorce, even very recently. I still cannot say with any certainty that our marriage will work out, due to our different ideologies on important issues. He does not want to come to the US as he's been dragging his feet on taking care of visa paperwork, yet he is still proceeding forwards for me. He says he wants our marriage to work. I think calling the relationship a "huge disaster" may be premature, as couples usually have a lot of adjustment issues their first year or so, as we definitely do. We made the mistake of marrying too fast, and now we are trying to work out our differences. Although things may end up not working, I still think my marriage deserves some effort right now... so I can at least know I tried everything I could. My husband is really not a bad guy at all, he has a lot of great qualities which I love about him and would be hard-pressed to find in another person, but our ways of thinking is just vastly different.

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You didn't just come to the States, you went to Canada and were planning on Mexico too, you wrote it yourself, so its not just one country. While you were hiking in Canada they were not in school, unless of course you were home schooling them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving from one good country to the other, I did the same thing, as did others on here, just the way you did it might be deemed at wrong, you did it under the VWP.
I understand your husband is abusive and my goodness you are doing the right thing getting out, but was your ex husband abusive too? I realize you said he went to live under a bridge and be a drunk, was this due to the break up? When men lose their children it is just as tragic for them as it is if a mother loses her children and it can make a person do funny things.
Yes people usually have to justify their coming to the US at least to USCIS, you may have to talk about bringing 3 children to the US on the VWP and then getting married, some may see it as a set up, may be you should start thinking about that.
Where are your family, are they in the US also, can you go to them and get help?
I know it's a lot of questions, but no more than will go through an IO's head when they look over your VAWA application, I guess in my own way I am trying to prepare you for the millions of things they may ask and consider when looking at your VAWA.
I do not intend any offense when I write here and I am sorry if any is taken.

Am I understanding this correctly, you entered the US on the VWP with three children in tow, met a man and proceeded to marry him in 3 months? Was there something you were running from in your home country? Is the father of your children aware you are married and the kids may now be in danger? Have you filed for AOS, if so how could you afford to if your husband has spent all your money? What were your intentions on entering the US with your three children? You have no ties to the US so why don't you return to Switzerland, its a beautiful country, you're free there, just wondering what is holding you back from returning home.
Don't get me wrong I don't condone anyform of violence and he should be punished for what he has done, I'm just trying to figure out your situation and how it came about.

This is a fundamental personality characteristic that's crucial within a relationship. All reasons, excuses, and hindsight aside, you didn't really know her.Having learned the hard way during the first blessedly brief marriage, I vowed to myself that if anyone EVER again threw anything at me in anger, the relationship was immediately and permanently over.What's with the sugar-coating, "getting into the realm of"?You've answered your own question. Screw her hormones and every other excuse that one could concoct, 100%. Screw them! The wife IS mad (in both senses) and is NOT thinking straight, period. A 6-month-old baby is completely helpless. You need to show it a father's love by removing it from the ever-present danger, with help from a nanny who can offer love and bottle-feeding when you yourself can't be there.Excusing the inexcusable.Excellent idea, si man.(You're "kind of" wondering?) No amount of counseling or anger-management can reform or change someone who has a volatile or violent temper. Many others of us have married ####### like this. Cut your losses, and save your baby.Edited to add: In contrast to your thread's title, you are NOT different people now than you were before marriage. You didn't really know her true temperament.

I remember thinking these exact thoughts recently.. I wouldn't ever give relationship advise, but this is to let you know; my wife and went through some really rough times.. Some times, our fights were so bad, I figured I had made a terible mistake even though I knew my wife for a few years before we ever started dating, then dated for 2 years before starting the visa process..
The thing I am trying to say is; Cultural Adjustment and other emotional factors can make someone seem completely diferent. And we're clueless, because our conditioning as Americans makes us feel everyone is ready and anxious to come to the USA and be with rich americans.. But, that's not completely accurate..
It doesn't matter if the Beneficiary is from the USA, a dirt poor third world country, or any rich developed country, it's normal for a person (women especially) to want to be with someone who offers security and stability as well as feeling loved.. It doesn't matter where people are from.. Those are important factors to you, your wife and any normal person..
SO ask yourself before deciding you and your wife has changed;

Does she feel emotionally secure?
Does she feel supported?
Does she feel loved?
Does she feel free to chase her dreams?
Does she feel hopeful of a future with stability, security and love?
Does she feel you support her hopes and dreams?
Is there anything you are doing to make her feel insecure?
Is there anything you are doing to make her feel unsafe?
Is there anything you are doing to make her feel unappreciated?

I don't think we should ever fault anyone who enters enter into a relationship with a person for chance at a better life.. As long as love is part of it; people pursue opportunities for a better life all the time.. I personally feel that people often enter any relationship with the hopes that there is a better life in store... You can characterize however you want, but this is normal anywhere in the world...
So if you understand that, becoming a better husband is easier..

While I won't be able to answer your question, fair play to you for trying to solve the problem you guys have, instead of sending your wife back home
Unfortunately most of us, going through the long distance relationships and this process, forget that it might not be as we imagined or planned most of us have never been living together for more than a few days/weeks or more lucky ones, months! That again was usually just holidays and we never had to face real life problems...We think and believe we know each other but we are too busy with all the paper work, missing each other and being impatient to realize that not everything might be as it seemed...
Good luck to you guys! Hope it will all work out for you!

I do feel for you.
While I do understand the cold feet, there are a few things that scare me in the situation the way you describe it.
First, getting cold feet is quite normal/expected up to a point, but it's a completely different thing to question your feelings for your other half over some random acquaintance, also given your relationship background (you said you've broken up before because he wasn't sure about his commitment to your relationship - and then he begged for forgiveness).
With all due respect, your fiance wants to have his cake and eat it. You were absolutely right to make it clear to him that if he decided against marriage at this point he'd never see you again (what would be the point anyway?). To that he showed complete lack of understanding by taking this as an ultimatum on your behalf, when the only thing you're trying to do is save yourself more misery than what he's currently putting you through. He sounds like he wants to have his way no matter what. Even if he decided he didn't want to get married now, he'd want to go on with the relationship until further notice, and you'd have to go along with that in his book. How about your expired visa after 90 days? How about the fact that such a decision on his behalf would nullify your K1 visa and effectively make you illegal if you stayed past the 90 days without marriage and a subsequent AOS? What about the fact that you're giving up your life, family, prospects and career in your home country just to be with him? He doesn't sound like he's taking any of this into account, or your feelings for that matter.
These are my concerns and fears judging on how you described the situation, the background of your relationship and your discussions.
I'll agree with all those who said "get on that plane". Go there and clarify things. Be prepared for everything. If he decides not to get married even after you've talked face to face and spent some time together, stick with your decision to go back home and disappear from his life. At that point you'll know that he'll be nothing more than trouble for you in the future.
If it turns out to be just a very bad case of cold feet that disappears after he sees you, then I wish you every happiness in the future and I hope this crisis brings you closer together and makes you stronger in your marriage.
Let us know how things turn out.

The OP states the relationship has suffered at least twice prior to this incident. So this does not seem like the average case of cold feet to me.
It seems the two families know each other. What part does that play in this situation? It seems like there is something cultural going on.
And I've got news for both the OP and her fiance. Marriage is supposed to last a long time. In that time, you both meet other people who are either attracted to you or to whom you are attracted. It's starry-eyed nonsense to believe that over the course of a lifetime you will only have desire for your partner. But a man (or woman for that matter) who is not mature enough to put their devotion to their spouse over those little fatal attractions will not make a good partner. My initial reaction to the OP's story is that her fiance's ego is so weak that he will (over the course of time) betray their marriage for the attractions of other women. Frankly, having only spent 42 days together, I doubt she knows him well enough to supply the answer. I truly hope he's not the type who wants a woman he can always return to while he dallies with others. Even though this relationship is two years old, it has been fractured by breakups in the past. OP, there are people out there who want a relationship but don't have the nature to keep up their end of the bargain.
I would only urge the OP to come over to the US if she can easily pick up her career and life in case she returns.

I am a US Citizen, but I think that leaving your country that you have known your whole life has to be very difficult and stressful. My husband is very family oriented and it took a long time for him to get used to not having family around. Your spouse sounds like he is stressed out about moving to a new country and his new life. All of it is completely unknown to him and he may have an concept of life in the US that is not true. (example negative sterotypes) I think that is completely normal and it will take some time for him to get over it. Of course, there are things you can do to help him with adjusting, example set up a phone plan through google voice or vonage where he can call home whenever he wants, setup a plan to help him takecare of his elderly parents, find him activities to keep him busy, help him make friends when he is here. Really listen to his concerns and make a plan for how you can help. Hope that helps! Good luck on the interview!

Hi, I went to court on 18th, i didn't have a chance to talk much, i didn't even show my hospital records, but i got restraining order for 1 year. He was there too, he was talking talking talking, telling a lot of lies on me. However i got it. Then i went to immigr. office and got free attorney to help me with immigr. problem. They said it's actually pretty typical when abuser calles the police first so they will be able to explane it. Also they will help me with my other stuff, like divorce, hearings for spousal and child support. I got som welfare money too, they will pay me some food stamps and some cash. They also will go after him to make him pay them back that money, caz we married. Ok now im printing my pictures with my husband together to proofe we were in love.
Thank you for helping me!!!
Love yo

Darnell she can file form I-360 and once approved she can file I-485 form. She will be able to adjust her status based in her Vawa case approval. Self-petitions may be filed while married or divorced, and while living together or separated.
She needs to get some letters from friends/family stating she was suffering some form of mental and verbal abuse, but the most important thing is to get a report from a psychologist about her mental condition.
Since January 2010 I helped (pro bono services) twelve members of the visa journey file for Vawa(I-360), seven of them got their green card already,and five others got the "prima facie determination" and soon their petitions will be adjudicated. It's very important to have a non profit organization or attorney helping with Vawa cases,specially in cases of emotional/mental abuse.

Hi
I finally got a chance to write something. So we live in a domestic violence shelter, it's all good, my son and I have everything, well at least more than we had in our own house. I got temporary restraining order against my husband. Today we went to court, the hearing was about custody. He wanted full custody and no visitations from me. But judge said full physical custody to me, supervised visitations to him (with his expenses) and legal custody is joined for both of us. None of us had a lawyer at this hearing. I didn't have to pay for anything yet because i don't have an income. What else.. Well its gonna be many other hearings like for restraining order and spousal and child support. But the one about actual divorce is on january 2013. So I guess if I get spousal and child support so I can start getting money from him before the actual divorce. He still gets money for being married and having a child and he doesn't spend any on us so they said he will probably going to have to pay, they will just take off some amount of money off his check for us.
About the immigration part... Nothing is moving yet. I sent some filled papers to immigr office, waiting for the respond. Also trying to apply for welfare food stamps and some cash.
Oh forgot to tell you about this custody thing that he won at first. When he shot off my phone, my son's teacher bought me new one and he didn't know the number. So i went to shelter, he didn't know where I am. But later when I came to file for restraining order the lady that helped me told me that he filed for full physical custody and it was granted. I was shocked but then we figired out that it happened because i didn't come to the hearing for it which i didn't know about and he stated in this paper that he called me and told me about the hearing. Of course he couldn't call me because he doesn't know my number so he lied and this way got custody. But when we put all this on restraining order paper the judge understood what was going on so she granted my restraining order till next hearing (18th) so that canceled his "full physical custody" . So we have the same judge for everything. And he is a petitioner and I am a respondent because he filed for divorce first. It all goes by the same number of case. Whatever seems like they understand my situation and child abduction unit and hospital (all my case managers and social workers) helping me. I also had an interview with my case manager through the navy (JAG), he has a case open about the abuse. So that's what is done for right now.
Please pray for us on 18th.

I think there are many issues here the OP is facing: the hard part is she is trying to be nice, but also trying to adjust her status. If she leaves to visit family at home, she can never come back for 10 years, plus he has her stuck in limbo regarding marriage and divorce. She is trying to be a good wife. Trying to be patient, but I think it is time he be a man. Russian men are more of a man then this military man is.
1) a husband treating her like a maid and nanny.
2)a good for nothin lawyer who gave her bad advice and needs his A$$ whoopped behind the barn by a potemkin land missle
3) A husband who is royally taking advantage of the situation because he is tired of trying to adapt to the cultural differences.
4) Her trying to learn English, but is tied down by not being able to drive or have money.
5) A husband saying she is not important and cheating on her, and getting away with it.
6) the military Officers not knowing what exactly he is doing regarding his family.
7) she needs to contact the military USCIS visa helpline at USCIS has established a toll-free military help line, 1-877-CIS-4MIL (1-877-247-4645), exclusively for members of the military and their families.
8) contact His immediate superior officer (or the former officer if she does not feel comfortable regarding the current officer.) Time to call his "scamming lies" after 2 years. After 2 years, I definitely would not want to be him answering to his superior officer or a member of his unit when the superior officer found out.
9) if all else fails, contact the local media to her plight and issue.

Again, we have no way to know for sure that OP's story is legit but trying to poke holes in it based on her English or how domestic violence arrests work in your area is silly, IMO. I don't know what the hoopla is over her English, her written English is very similar to my husband's and almost identical to a foreign exchange student we hosted when I was in high school, who absolutely wrote that well after a year even though she didn't know a ton of English prior to coming. Again, I'm not saying the OP couldn't be lying but the best thing anyone can do is advise based on the idea that she isn't and leave it at that.
It is also clear that many people here have never been in an abusive relationship and do not understand the dynamics involved it in from either side. If you've never been there you'll never totally understand, but nothing she has said about the status of her relationship would come up as a red flag to almost anyone who has been there.
OP, obviously there is no point in continuing to hash out this thread. You've gotten advice on VAWA, I suggest you follow that if you have the evidence needed. I also suggest you contact a family law attorney. Your county may have resources for finding someone pro bono if you cannot afford one.

Many abusive people don't want to file for a GC because they fear that by keeping the spouse "un-free" will force them to rely on the USC so the immigrant can't leave. Many men also fear "independent" women (there are a million on this board) so in an extreme version, keeping them chained keeps them dependent on the USC. That way they get a wife at home that depends on them totally no matter what they do.
I find it despicable to attack the OP's use of English as a reason to attack her or her story. The question of her English shouldn't be answered by someone who "lives with a Russian" but by people who actually speak at least two languages. Someone who speaks only one language is not capable, in my view, of understanding what it is like to learn a second language and what is possible. When someone gets attacked they would naturally get flustered and probably reply faster and make more mistakes. For a second language, speaking is not easier than writing for all people.
The OP is very possibly a hurting abused person who needs help, and is making all kinds of excuses because that is what an abused person does. USCIS can make an appropriate determination regarding her story (if she goes that route). It's not up to us.
OP - you got some good info on your options at the start of the thread.

There is something very, very wrong here. You need more help than simply filing papers. Your relationship sounds tragic and abusive and not healthy for you at all. Your husband should be helping you, supporting you, loving you. It doesn't sound like he's doing ANY of this.

While I agree that there are many forums specializing in relationship stuff and advise, I do think that it's justified asking on VJ sinde some people can't relate to how it is originally being from overseas. I'd be frustrated, sad and p*ssed if I had to pay all bills without the prospect of seeing my Danish relatives once in a while because spouse decided not to contribute when the reason is "I don't want to".
Being frustrated only feeds the homesickness, IMO.

Be careful of meeting him now, he may at any time find out about the lack of i864 and any meeting could be a wonderfull setting for a fight that gets him reason for VAWA. NEVER meet him alone again. NEVER EVER EVER

Watch out! Are you sure he has not found out you withdrew your support? That could be exactly why he is now claiming to love you and want to "work things out"!!