How to deal with family's skepticism?

[JULIAFERNO 0]

I've been recieving a lot of criticism and skepticism from family members about applying for the fiance visa. It is hard for me to swallow because I am in a happy, fulfilling relationship with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I feel like I am constantly defending myself and him.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Do you have any advice on handling others skepticism? I generally just tell them that I am happy and that this is the decision that I have made and I hope that they can support me. I want my family to be supporting of one of the biggest decisions of my life and it saddens me that they are being so critical, yet at the same time say that I seem happier than I've been in a long time.

Additionally, my sister in law is Turkish and her parents grew up in Turkey, but came to the States and earned their doctorate degrees and are now well-off, establish professors. They have been very judgemental since the moment they learned I had met my now-fiance online and when I went to visit him for the first time. They have made several comments to my family members and their friends about how my fiance's family is from a poor city (although Turkey on the whole is a developing, less than wealthy country) and how his family is lower middle class. Both of his parents worked hard as teachers for 30 years and raised 3 children. My brother's in laws seem to make a point to constantly make mention of my fiance's socio-economic class to others and it irks me. I think they fear that the truth about their country and their background will be revealed because I lived in Turkey for five months and am marrying a Turkish man who is not from the elite class (although they grew up in the same socio-economic class as him!) It really makes me sick and I'd really like them to start minding their own business.

Edited December 8, 2007 by JULIAFERNO

[Bob & Kim 0]

I like living far away from family...tell them to beat as long as you are sure he is the right one for you. It is normal for them to be concerned for you, but from what you said it seems they are going overboard. They have their lives now you are going to have yours...just tell them straight up that your future husband is your decision and while you appreciate their concern you expect support once you have made your decision.

[Jesse and Hema 2]

I'm guessing lots of VisaJourney users have dealt with this to some extent (myself included).

First off, I think it's good to understand your family's perspective. Anyone who has not experienced the "online relationship" experience has NO idea how close you can become without physical contact, and has LEGITIMATE doubts about the validity and sincerity of the relationship. After all, you may have not had the opportunity to spend many months or years together like they (probably) did!! On top of that whole idea, families unfortunately tend to guage your partner based on things like wealth and status. In your case, your relatives might have the mindset that it's the man's responsibility to be the breadwinner, and yet you are paying thousands of dollars just to be with someone not financially blessed, and they are reluctant to support that.

Namely, I'd say you just need lots of patience with your family here. Keep on assuring them that they need to trust your decision, and more importantly, remind them that you've found the person that makes you happy. Ask them straight out be supportive, in much the same words you used in your post. Make sure they know how much your significant other means to you.

My advice is pretty generic, but really... Just understand them, and be patient with them... They might just come around.

Best of luck to you

--Jesse G.

[Nineta 0]

Hiya,

I'm going through the same stuff now. Family and friends have been telling me for months now how crazy leaving then, my country, my job for a man is. Right now, I'm feeling very down since I'm starting thinking it's crazy as well. I feel like giving up sometimes.

Hope we get through this soon!

-Nineta

[Jesse and Hema 2]

I'm starting thinking it's crazy as well. I feel like giving up sometimes.

If you've found true love, nothing done for that love is irrational...

[KandD 1]

Dont worry about it, Id be willing to bet about 95% of us on VJ met online. And have heard the same things from family members, probably most of us have. How many people u know could handle the emotional stress of being apart for so long, and how many of those people do u think could survive a separation? Just remember anything worth having is worth waiting for...

[Caladan 19]

Have I mentioned this here? I believe I have. The first time I flew to Canada to meet C. (July 2004), my dad blurted out on the phone with me as I sat in LaGuardia, "This is the sort of story that ends up with you dead under a bear."

It might make it easier to think of it from your parents' perspective. First off, even if your beau were American, it's reasonably likely that your parents would be thinking 'no one is ever going to be good enough for my little girl/my brilliant son.' Second, there's the online relationship aspect. Do you really know the person? My parents had a hard time with this and there weren't even language barriers. And third, there's whatever cultural expectations and prejudices they have. Maybe they wanted you to marry a doctor; maybe they're worried he won't be ambitious enough or that you'll struggle.

In our case, it was mostly the first and second problems. And time and actually meeting someone helps with that.

[JULIAFERNO 0]

Have I mentioned this here? I believe I have. The first time I flew to Canada to meet C. (July 2004), my dad blurted out on the phone with me as I sat in LaGuardia, "This is the sort of story that ends up with you dead under a bear."

It might make it easier to think of it from your parents' perspective. First off, even if your beau were American, it's reasonably likely that your parents would be thinking 'no one is ever going to be good enough for my little girl/my brilliant son.' Second, there's the online relationship aspect. Do you really know the person? My parents had a hard time with this and there weren't even language barriers. And third, there's whatever cultural expectations and prejudices they have. Maybe they wanted you to marry a doctor; maybe they're worried he won't be ambitious enough or that you'll struggle.

In our case, it was mostly the first and second problems. And time and actually meeting someone helps with that.

When I sit down and think about it I understand their concern, but when it comes out of their mouths it sounds like judgement and I'm pretty sensitive. I think I just need to toughen up a bit and stop worrying so much about what everyone is thinking. My mother and father are being pretty supportive and it's really my brother, his wife, and her parents who are being the most critical.

I did live with my fiance and his parents for 5 months in Turkey (just got back a few weeks ago before Thanksgiving), so it's not that they worry that I don't know him or his family. I think it's more that they don't know him (only my father has met him in person). I think only time will help that, and actually having him here. In the meantime I've just gotta stay positive and strong

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Plain and simple: This,YOUR life, do what YOU want. I'll bet, over time, it will all work out!

[doodlebugg 10]

Do you live at home? If you do you're just going to have to be thick skinned about this until he's here. If you don't, just trust in your judgement and don't talk to them about your relationship. I could talk to my family until I"m blue in the face and they still wouldn't accept it so I cut all ties and now they are coming around.

As for your sister in law............this never ceases to amaze me about how other cultures put so much emphasis on class. I never encountered this before until I met my husband and he was all concerned about how he is lower class, etc. I was like, sooooo.....what's the big deal? My father grew up dirt poor and worked his way up so the whole class thing means nothing to me, you know? For her to bring it up is just shameless in my opinion. Does she realize that it is possible for things to turn sour for her own family and they could be dirt poor at some point in the future? Nothing's written in stone, people get injured and no longer can work, people lose their jobs, etc. etc. There's a saying never look down on a person because some day you might just be looking up to them. Maybe you could remind her that when she dies her class will not matter in the least.

[miamiwife 0]

Julia,

I went through the same ####### with my Turkish relatives. My aunt even stopped speaking to me because she had heard rumors about my husband's brother living with a woman he is not married to--whoa! So shocking! The area he is from is not good enough for her and they call him a gypsy, which he isn't. Whatever, family that isn't supportive just gets your resentment. So that is one less person I have to visit when I go to Turkey.

[huge316 0]

I absloutely went through a lot of the same with my friends and family when I first announced that I wanted to marry my fiancee I met in Thailand. I had friends trying to talk me out of it, friends who were just really skeptical that it would work or that our love is really true for eachother just because we hadn't known eachother for a long time etc... I had all sorts of unsolicited advice coming my way from all over the place. My family was mixed on the subject, some were happy for me, others worried that my fiancee just perhaps wants to come here, marry me, and then leave after getting citizenship. I had to confront all of these people on a one by one basis as well as doing some group confrontation. What it came down to is that your friends and family will initially be very concerned as what we are going through is not your normal process of finding a loved one, we don't have the ability to go through the typical dating and all the stuff that people feel is necessary for a relationship and what they feel is necessary to find out if you will work out together. I put it this way, there is no guarantee if you marry someone in your own country that they will stay with you even if you date or whatever for years and years, many people still end up in a divorce. So why not follow your heart if that special someone happens to be half way around the world. I have got to know my fiancee very very well just in phone conversation every day and email, plus the times that I have been able to go out to Thailand to spend time with her. I know her better than an ex-girlfriend who I was living with for 6 years that didn't work out. So that shows you right there that length of time and country they are from is no more likely to succeed than a long distance relationship. I just looked at it that my friends and family were trying to look out for me and make sure I knew what I was getting into and the risks involved. I assured them all many times that I am confident in my decision and stand firm on that and I thank them for their input, but let them know that no matter what they say, I support my decision and I know what I'm doing. My family and friends also said the same about how happy I am now since I have been with her compared to before I knew her. After so many discussions with everyone about this it seems the skepticism is pretty much over or on the backburner anyway from everyone and now they all seem to be much more supportive and happy for us. It took nearly 4 months after my announcement, telling everyone a lot about her, letting them talk to her on the phone, and just time for this all to sink in for everyone, that they finally decided to accept that this is my choice to make, not theirs and that they should finally be happy for us and just accept that maybe their view of how meeting and marrying someone may not be the only way that you can meet and marry someone. This is quite common, just look at all the VJ members out there who are doing what you and I are doing. This website is a great place to check out every day, check out the forums and talk to other members because we are the only one's who can truly relate. I even lost a friend over this all, because he refused to accept my choice in wanting to marry her, but I don't regret it one bit. One of my friends helped me with this as they went through the same, and they told me just to let time work it out and those who truly care about you will eventually accept your decision and the others will simply fade away, that former friend is the only one who decided to just fade away. I love my fiancee more than I've ever loved anyone before and I know she feels the same about me and we have a genuine relationship that I feel will work very well. So I say to you, listen to what everyone has to say just to be sure that maybe they aren't pointing out something you didn't think of, that's what I did and it helped me to be sure I knew what I am doing. Just don't let the negative responses get you down, people will accept this eventually, I also at one time in my life met someone on the internet just like you have many years ago and had the skepticism then too. And meeting my fiancee in Thailand had even more skepticism since she is from another country and some women there have a certain reputation, but she's not one of those women, even though I didn't meet her on the internet, I know what you are going through. Just hang in there. Time will allow everything to work itself out. It's all just part of the love test I think. And if you truly love them, you will deal with it and all the other stress and craziness that comes with this whole fiancee visa process... and in the end it will all be worth it and you can enjoy the satisfaction of your hard work and sacrifice to be with your loved one... that's what I'm waiting for, we filed 2 months ago. Just waiting to reap the rewards of all of this and be together forever. I wish you luck and happiness in your future!

I've been recieving a lot of criticism and skepticism from family members about applying for the fiance visa. It is hard for me to swallow because I am in a happy, fulfilling relationship with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I feel like I am constantly defending myself and him.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Do you have any advice on handling others skepticism? I generally just tell them that I am happy and that this is the decision that I have made and I hope that they can support me. I want my family to be supporting of one of the biggest decisions of my life and it saddens me that they are being so critical, yet at the same time say that I seem happier than I've been in a long time.

Additionally, my sister in law is Turkish and her parents grew up in Turkey, but came to the States and earned their doctorate degrees and are now well-off, establish professors. They have been very judgemental since the moment they learned I had met my now-fiance online and when I went to visit him for the first time. They have made several comments to my family members and their friends about how my fiance's family is from a poor city (although Turkey on the whole is a developing, less than wealthy country) and how his family is lower middle class. Both of his parents worked hard as teachers for 30 years and raised 3 children. My brother's in laws seem to make a point to constantly make mention of my fiance's socio-economic class to others and it irks me. I think they fear that the truth about their country and their background will be revealed because I lived in Turkey for five months and am marrying a Turkish man who is not from the elite class (although they grew up in the same socio-economic class as him!) It really makes me sick and I'd really like them to start minding their own business.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Im sorry to hear you are going through that. Im sure, as everyone has basically said.. most of us have gone or are going through it.

I was fortunate to have had my older brother do this before me. His wife is from London, and they met online. So, the family has already been through this once.

I look to him for support now. That has also given me the unique perspective of being the family member on the other side. When he told me he was marrying a woman he met online, that he hadnt known very long, I flipped.

Im sure I wasnt as supportive as he needed me to be. Now I understand what he went through.

So, I dont have to imagine what my family is thinking about this whole thing, I know.

My dad gave me the "I cant say Im happy about this but..if youre happy, thats all that matters" speech a while back.

Before that came about.. he made sure and told me that women are like cattle in ME countries and that my husband would "own" me. That he could just "put me out on the street if he didnt like me anymore" I just laughed and told him that he was mistaken.

I understand that some people are very driven by what their family thinks. I am still at times, but have learned that it is MY life after all. I am 29 years old and I dont have to please my parents or family anymore. I just have to love them

The judgement on your fiance's social class would get under my skin as well.

I would say something like.. Well, unlike others in the family, I dont juge people based on their income or living situation... You guys made a better life for yourselves once you came here right? heh heh

But, hey I can be a bit passive/aggresive sometimes

Edited December 9, 2007 by Y_habibitk

[Jesse and Hema 2]

The judgement on your fiance's social class would get under my skin as well.

I guess there's advantages to coming from a poor family!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

The judgement on your fiance's social class would get under my skin as well.

I guess there's advantages to coming from a poor family!

Yep! Keeps you "real" lol

Edited December 9, 2007 by Y_habibitk