Am I Overreacting??

[ChristinaM 0]

I have to admit that I would be bothered by it happening regularly, especially if our sex life were suffering or on the wane. Personally, I'm uncomfortable with the idea that my husband looks at porn at all, ever; but he's at home much of the time at the moment and I'm not, so que cera cera. As long as I don't know about it it's his business - unless it impacts our sex life.

As far as "men can't help it, they're hardwired and they're visually stimulated", it's no excuse. If your wife is happy and secure enough for you to drool and fawn over airbrushed models, good for you and go ahead. If your wife is blatantly unhappy with it then you must ask yourself what you're getting from porn that you're not getting from your wife, and whether you have made your wife insecure through your actions.

My two cents.

[mercuryroad 0]

its that fact that he hides it from me when he knows it bothers me

Of course he hides it....he knows it bothers you!

I don't think he totally understands how important this issue is to you. He probably thinks you are being silly. I bet if he really knew then he probably wouldn't do it, or at least try to hide it better.

Personally, I think there are other things going on here. Probably the stress and frustration of the process which is totally justifiable.

[Jenn! 918]

I've always said there's no harm in looking as long as there is no touching or tasting going on.

How about foreign objects?

Isn't that my husband?

I meant non-organic ones.

Well that eliminates the entire produce section.

[gimygirl 0]

it bothers women because of the woman's organic make-up.

most women become jealous and insecure and take their man looking at porn extremely personally. this just isn't the case ... at all.

i find it very interesting that people take looking at porn to such huge extremes but will condone thier spouse overeating or smoking or drinking ... these are all unhealthy addictions. yet someone who looks at porn is made to feel ashamed and demeaned.

this is a personal relationship choice that each couple has to make. this is just as important as discussing finances, religion, and having children. if you know this is an issue that you cannot accept, then you owe it to your spouse to be honest and upfront and let them know.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I've always said there's no harm in looking as long as there is no touching or tasting going on.

How about foreign objects?

Isn't that my husband?

I meant non-organic ones.

Well that eliminates the entire produce section.

LOL.

[CanGal 1]

Not break as in leave my marriage, but it was an issue before and I don't want it to become an issue now. I never said anything about it very often in the past but its like at a breaking point now. This is something I am not willing to budge on, I guess I have to stand up for my marriage and maybe I will have to accept it on some level because I can't "FORCE" him but I can control my own life and what I want in it or not that is not one of them. I don't want it in my house on my computer, nothing. I know alot of "men" say its not about you honey. But alot of women and me included feel like it is them and no matter how many times you say it part of them are still going to think am i not good enough, am i not interesting enough, and on the most part i don't feel it is me. The issue is that it is "US" and if he wants to do that fine but it does affect us. I think I have been pretty leniant on it but I know alot of women and me try to get involved with it or go along with it because we have to be the ones to step down and just go on with it because he's gonna do it anyways. I don't know, it was said before, I think they do it alot more because they know or think they can get away with it. And to the majority of us, i know it bothers us, why do we have to bring our standards down? I guess it don't make sense to me when he's got a beautiful wife and he leaves me sleeping in other rooms or doing stuff or even just watching tv and rather be here looking when i'm willing to give him everything he wants, and that these women can't give anything back. Whats there in that. I don't think it is "normal" so many people just tell us its normal that we all believe it now.

[mercuryroad 0]

Not break as in leave my marriage, but it was an issue before and I don't want it to become an issue now. I never said anything about it very often in the past but its like at a breaking point now. This is something I am not willing to budge on, I guess I have to stand up for my marriage and maybe I will have to accept it on some level because I can't "FORCE" him but I can control my own life and what I want in it or not that is not one of them. I don't want it in my house on my computer, nothing. I know alot of "men" say its not about you honey. But alot of women and me included feel like it is them and no matter how many times you say it part of them are still going to think am i not good enough, am i not interesting enough, and on the most part i don't feel it is me. The issue is that it is "US" and if he wants to do that fine but it does affect us. I think I have been pretty leniant on it but I know alot of women and me try to get involved with it or go along with it because we have to be the ones to step down and just go on with it because he's gonna do it anyways. I don't know, it was said before, I think they do it alot more because they know or think they can get away with it. And to the majority of us, i know it bothers us, why do we have to bring our standards down? I guess it don't make sense to me when he's got a beautiful wife and he leaves me sleeping in other rooms or doing stuff or even just watching tv and rather be here looking when i'm willing to give him everything he wants, and that these women can't give anything back. Whats there in that. I don't think it is "normal" so many people just tell us its normal that we all believe it now.

I seriously think you are going way over the top. I bet he really has no clue how pissed off you are.....yet.

The insecurity thing gets difficult for guys to deal with as well.....pretty soon he'll have to walk on egg shells all the time for fear of you flipping out. I'm not saying it's right but that is just honestly how he will feel. Then he won't feel comfortable talking to you.

[Traviesa 0]

CanGal, you stated the title of your thread as a question, but it seems like you had already made up your mind. You're not willing to accept him looking at women on the Internet. So what are you going to do about it? I think you already know your options as well-bug him about it for the rest of his life (and it won't change, or he'll get tired and leave), lay it on the line now (and let him make a decision with no pressure), or leave.

[CanGal 1]

I appreciate everyones imput, it really helps alot. Thank you. It is a tough subject with me. I don't want to sound silly, I am sorry if I do. And as of right now I haven't even thought of leaving my husband because of it. Like I said, it was just bikinis but in the past it was more than that and i think from not saying much back then this made me feel it was gonna start all over again, and I think he's been good. I hope so. I think your right though, he thinks I am being silly because he doesn't know how strongly I feel about this. I just don't want it around, i know what it does to relationships, and men and women. And the women in the porn industry, they are so scrutinized and I've done studies, so I'm not dumb on the subject. A vast amount of the women in it HATE it and just go on because they can't seem to get out. It is demeaning, demoralizes, and it just hurts.

[pax 0]

I guess it don't make sense to me when he's got a beautiful wife and he leaves me sleeping in other rooms or doing stuff or even just watching tv and rather be here looking when i'm willing to give him everything he wants, and that these women can't give anything back. Whats there in that. I don't think it is "normal" so many people just tell us its normal that we all believe it now.

And you really think she's "over the top," Merc? If he's forgoing intimacy with his wife to look at porn, yeah, that's a problem. It would be a problem even if she didn't mind a little bit of occasional porn.

CanGal, have you given any thought to maybe pursuing some marital counseling if this continues to be a problem? A counselor might help to mediate the problem and help you both sort out your issues, and then help you find a mutually agreeable solution.

[CarolineM 0]

In social work we use "I" statements, meaning we don't say YOU SHOULD DO XYZ, but If I were in your shoes...I would do XYZ.

I have way too much personal experience with this. My ex fiance was into this. It started out with pron and models and women like you are saying...and I found it and confronted him and he said he just looks, its not big deal..blah blah blah. Fine. I accepted it. I thought, oh men like to look, that's fine. I let it go. I found it AGAIN -= this time more hardcore. THis time I confronted him and told him it bothered me. I didn't like that he was looking at porn,..he said he would stop.

NExdt time I caught him, he was chatting with people online...girls who had myspace accounts or yahoo personals who posed on the internet and would chat with him. Now I was downright MAD. It was not JUST that he was talking to ppl online...that in itself was bad bvecause I considered it cheating, he didn't, but he KNEW it bothered me, yet he KEPT doing it. It finally evolved into MUCH more...but clearly i'm not married to him so you can see how that turned out.

To me, the issue for you is not that he is doing it, but that it's your issue, you've expressed how you feel about it, and yet he keeps doing it. All I'm saying is, you never know if it will get worse...

I think you're totally justified in being mad. I "let it go" once too - and ended up with a cheating fiance.

[Sister Fracas 5]

Monique does make a good point in that whatever you decide to do, making him feel guilty about it won't help. When you're ready to talk about it, try to do it with patience and gentleness.

But I still don't think it's okay to chalk it up to it being "natural" or "hard-wired" and with it suggest that the OP simply needs to get over it, either (not that Monique was saying that). There's got to be a solution that's fair to both parties.

I totally agree with you and Mand too.

What I read most of all from your posts is that he hid it knowing it was something that bothered you and that's what is the most troubling part. If some guy wants to share his porn collection with his wife and they have a giggle...no problem. If they both agree that looking at the opposite sex is fine so long as there is no touching (or tasting)...great. But it's the sneaking around that makes this not ok. I'd be upset too. You really need to talk this one through and not just accept what isn't acceptable to you. AND, I'd say, yeah, if he can't give up looking at online porn for your relationship...he is disrepecting you.

[Mina76 0]

I agree with nina1

I too had this same problem with my husband and like most women it did bother me when my husband was looking at pics of beautiful women with the gorgeous body and for some of us it makes us feels less of a woman for him and of course most of us are naturally jealous too when he looks at another woman. We don't feel beautiful, we don't feel sexy, we really just feel insecured about ourselves. This doesn't mean that our husbands don't love us because they do, it's just that for some they can't resisit to look at another beautiful woman.

I had to learn to accept this though it was hard, but I love my husband very much and decided to do something about it and started to make myself up as a sexy-vixen to lured him away from looking at these pics and believe me it worked! It was such a turn-on for him

Sure once in while he will still look at these pics, but it's ok because I know that he is with me not them

As hard as it is, try not to let this become an such an issue with your marriage

[CarolineM 0]

you. AND, I'd say, yeah, if he can't give up looking at online porn for your relationship...he is disrepecting you.

Right on!

[CanGal 1]

I am sorry if i sound edgy, i don't mean too. I not really MAD about it just hurt. I wanted to know other peoples oppinions on this kind of issue that is all. Ya I had my mind made up already but I just wanted some input, advice i guess, especially from the gals because they tend to understand more where I am coming from on this one, that is all. I guess just wanted some support because I don't feel like I'm getting any from anywhere else, including my hubby right now. Just needed some peeps to talk too.