past relationships?

[Ban Hammer 12,901]

I was honest to a point. I answered his questions but didn't offer up any more than that. I also didn't give details. He didn't want to know details. My husband says...what's past is past.

but you can tell us

[~Jackie~ 30]

Short story.....

When Mohammed had been here maybe..2 weeks....an old ex bf knocked on the door. I hadn't seen him in probably 3 years, thus he didn't have my phone number, or know I was married. So, I calmly told him I was married and it would be a good time to turn around and leave, as Mohammed was sitting on the couch. I explained the situation to him and why he was at the door and he appeared to accept that.

Fast forward to 3 years later, as he walks out to his truck for the last time.........he says to me 'Why was a man at your house when I just got here?' ......... He waited 3 years to question me about this. I had forgotten all about it, and he had been thinking about it for a long time.

Moral of my story---You never know when your past is gonna rear up and bite you in the azz.

Jackie

[chri'stina 190]

I don't have great personal advice b/c before me, Sujeet did not even have a girlfriend or date anyone (it's not common to do in many areas of India since the majority is arranged marriages, not pick your own spouse...though some still will have secret gfs or bfs, but anyway Sujeet did not).

I did have one meaningless relationship a few years before meeting him, but to be honest my first kiss was w/ Sujeet... I know I might sound weird for not having kissed someone before Sujeet, but I'm old school that way and so was Sujeet. But still, coming from a place where he nor his family members had gfs or bfs, it was weird for him to know I had a past bf. I can understand that, I would feel weird if he had gfs in the past. But we talked about all that at the beginning, not the beginning of our relationship but the beginning of our friendship before it became a relationship.

If your hubby knew about your past relationships already, and still decided he wanted to marry you because he loves you, then he has to accept that you had a past even if he isn't happy about it, and realize he loves the person you are. That's the main point he has to realize. He fell in love with who you are. I can see someone being mad if they found out years later, as if things were hidden from them. But it sounds like it's something he's known but can't get over. He has to realize you grew up in the US where it's very common to have boyfriends, etc. Sorry this is becoming a difficult thing for you. Hopefully he'll feel better about it all soon and you won't feel like you have to go over it again and again.

I'm not feeling well so I hope my sentences aren't too run-onish. I tried my best.

Edited November 15, 2007 by stina&suj

[SaadBell 0]

With my big mouth, how can he not know, but we are both in our second marriage, he has 3 children, I have 1. We both have ex's we love to complain to each other about, he is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy more vocal than I. We now will be getting married now in Egypt instead of Kuwait, because the ex-wife visa in Kuwait. The good thing is I also have an ex that when not busy drinking, is busying destroying life's. Hemham knows that I have had some really awful experiences, but so has he, so sometimes it is a pissing contest who has the worst EX!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were talking one night and I said what would it be like if one of us never been married or had children, just the first marriage. Would it be easier or harder, really don't know, at least you don't have to see them at your children's graduation, which is always a good time for all. Just hang in there, at least he loves you enough to care. I also sometimes get a little jealous of Hesham's ex-wife, start the 101 questions. I guess it is just being human and loving somebody, and I know the culture makes it hard. Hesham has lived in America so he knows what is the deal. He too has some trouble with my job, working with all males, and males that have records. ONE THING THAT REALLY MAKES ME MAD, he is an English teacher, and when he corrects my English. The nerve, it is funny to have someone that English is not their first language, correct my English. I just always say, "oh yea, well that is the way we say in America, doesn't work so well since he has lived here. Just remember one day in our old ages, and for me that is right around the corner, maybe we all well have some good laughs, about all our experiences, good and bad.

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.

Erica Jong,

[sara535 15]

We've had some issues about these things, and thats even after I gave him the bare minimum of info. I think its just hard for him to accept that I might have loved someone else. In particular he had a big problem with the guy I dated before him... someone who called a time or two after we were married. and although I pointed out many times the whole 'past is past' thing and also that if I had wanted to still be with that other guy I would, nothing really helped except for time to pass. The best I can say is try to find a way to understand the insecurities and misunderstandings he may have, he really IS coming from a culture where dating and relationships as we know it are very rare. Having said that, I had a couple of scenes about it also. good luck and hang in there....

[SandyNJack 5]

And what, he didn't have any past relationships? I know what their culture and religion believe, but I highly doubt any of the men remain chaste and virgin-like until they got married. Mine knows my past, and I know his as well. We have decided that the past is the past and it is never discussed. He honestly doesn't handle it well if it is brought up...he starts to clench his teeth....it is a little funny now that I think about it. But some things are best dropped.

My SO never had a girl friend or even kissed a woman before me. So for some cultures it is still the norm to not have been with anyone before marriage.

[chri'stina 190]

And what, he didn't have any past relationships? I know what their culture and religion believe, but I highly doubt any of the men remain chaste and virgin-like until they got married. Mine knows my past, and I know his as well. We have decided that the past is the past and it is never discussed. He honestly doesn't handle it well if it is brought up...he starts to clench his teeth....it is a little funny now that I think about it. But some things are best dropped.

My SO never had a girl friend or even kissed a woman before me. So for some cultures it is still the norm to not have been with anyone before marriage.

True! There are exceptions in every culture, of course, but I agree.

[disappointed 0]

To the original poster - I am sorry to hear that you are going through this (((HUGS)))

Here is my two cents on the subject.

When my just arrived an old male friend called looking for a phone number of our mutual friend. Sure it was late and I never picked up the phone since I didn't recognized the number but he left a message and I listened to it in front of my husband.

This event created a huge fight that lasted for days with his conclusion - I should have told all of my male friends that I got married and they shouldn't be calling me. I tried to explain to him that I know a lot of people and it would be impossible to contact everyone from my past and alert them of my situation.

That being said - now when I ever have an argument regarding his active search for female "friends and entertainers" he would tell me that it is all my fault, that I am to be blamed because someone has called me long time ago when they shouldn't.

From my experience it's all a double standard and nothing else - at least when dealing with my husband.

Lola

[chasnik 0]

I have been honest with Mo...even when he didnt want to know..I have kids by my ex so obviously I wasnt pure lol...this is the first relationship for him...his take on it is our lives started the day we decided to be together....what happened before made me the woman he fell in love with.

[sweety&baby 0]

We have had this conversation and have had it several times. Yes, I know that it hurt him to know my past, and I hated that. Now anytime something is brought up from my past I get very defensive. I think that makes it worse, but I just can't help it. He says that nothing will change how he feels about me or our future, but I don't like to talk about it with him. I do understand completely how you feel about this. Hang in there!!

[ayesha4akram 0]

Mine knew i was divorced with 2 kids when we first started talking. When our friendship started to change for something deeper, he told me something: the past is yours to keep, but the present and future is mine. i want to know everything about you from this moment on.

But he does get very jealous of the kids father. I guess the worst part for him is that there will always be a link between my ex and i , because of the kids. There's no going around that. When this happens what i do is, reassure him that : the present and future is his only, and there's nobody in the world who can take that away from us.

I understand his jealousy, because i'm a jealous person too! LOL I know what's going through his head cause sometimes i get little pangs of jealousy myself. As long as we trust each other and don't do anything that breaks this trust, and keep our relationship honest, I think we'll be fine.

Sereia: just keep trying to reassure him that he's the only one for you, and if he brings up the subject, change it. Tell him you'll only talk about things that concern the both of you. The past is gone, so no point in bringing it up. You can also tell him: i'm not the same person i was before i met you. now i'm more .... fill in the blanks ... but remember, if he brings up the past, ignore whatever he asks, by saying, i don't remember how my life was before i met you.

Anyway, i hope you both can work through this, and i wish you the best.

Hugs,

Ayesha

[dawnnhatem 0]

Just a quick flashback I thought I'd share...it stays here, right? haha

Anyway, there was a moment when we were way on top of one of the stone colleseum bleachers looking over Jerash. We could see so much, so far it was like being on top of the world and I started giggling to myself because all I could think was "Wowwww, I am the biggest ####### for miles and miles and miles and miles..." I am certainly not at all (by local standards ) so I don't know why I was thinking that. When he asked what I was laughing about I just said we should get down now.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Dawn you crack me up. Let's meet for coffee, I have the day off.

J

[sara535 15]

Just a quick flashback I thought I'd share...it stays here, right? haha

Anyway, there was a moment when we were way on top of one of the stone colleseum bleachers looking over Jerash. We could see so much, so far it was like being on top of the world and I started giggling to myself because all I could think was "Wowwww, I am the biggest ####### for miles and miles and miles and miles..." I am certainly not at all (by local standards ) so I don't know why I was thinking that. When he asked what I was laughing about I just said we should get down now.

thats good!

[Caladan 19]

were any of you honest about your past relationships/experiences with others before you met your SO? obviously those of you who have children had to be. was your husband upset about it/judge you/created a problem between you over it? i was honest with my husband about my past (now i think stupid me) and he can't seem to get over it. every once in a while he will bring it up and tell me how much it affects him inside. i can't take it anymore!!!!!! my past is my past. why should it have anything to do with our marriage? it doesn't mean i love him any less because i had a few boyfriends before. i'm at a loss here... i know moroccans don't typically date like americans do. why can't he accept me for who i am (and who i was) help!

He might not understand it at all. I heard a guy give a talk who described his first time seeing American women after growing up somewhere very different culturally, and he explained it was a huge cognitive dissonance problem. Like, he knew that the sparky young woman in a tank top and jeans making eye contact wasn't a #######, just a college student, but every prejudice or expectation he had was screaming at him that she was. He likened it to how an American man would react in a culture where women went topless. Part of the guy would know that it wasn't sexual, and part of him would be going 'omg, boobies boobies boobies', and he'd likely be acting weird around women because he just wouldn't know what to do.

I don't know what your past is (and I don't really care), but he doesn't have the language or the concepts to understand American dating. The only thing that's going to help now is talking about it. Is he imagining some crazy orgy like a Britney Spears video? Is he worried that you're secretly harboring feelings for an ex? Is it a sex thing? Is it that you have male friends now? Is it not really bothering him at all, but a reliable way to win an argument? I don't know what the right solution is for you, but you first have to figure out what the problem is.