Religion

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

so i just had a very very very heavy conversation with my fiance on the topic of religion...we have had the convo before, but we always managed to leave the issue unsettled and moved on with our lives...

so it came up again today...

my fiance and his family are catholic....my family is also catholic, but i do not claim to have a religion...i dont believe in organized religion, i have very strong beliefs and many reasons for holding them...i consider myself to be a fairly open minded person though, and because of this, i never gave much thought to the religious background of my future spouse...it just wasnt something that was important to me

to my fiance, it is a very big deal that i say that i am catholic, and that i mean it...most of it has to do with his family, and them looking down on him for not marrying a catholic girl...he never goes to church, and honestly i know more about the catholic religion than he does (this is NOT an exaggeration...i have explained bible stories and the significance of catholic holidays to him on several ocassions)

he told me that he has never met someone who didnt have a religion....WHAT?!?

its not as though he wont marry me because of this issue, but he said some very hurtful things to me tonight...basically he told me that he wouldnt bring me to his parents house on christmas, because it would be fake...i dont get this because i have christmas every year with my family and its not a big deal whatsoever...i just see it as a time to get together and enjoy the company of my family...i told him that i would NEVER disrespect his family or say anything about what they believe, i told him that i would go to church with them out of respect...i even told him that i would get married in the church solely because it would make him happy...but it doesnt matter somehow

he told me that i can change my views...it got me SO mad, because if my family told me that they dont want me to marry a guy who cant speak english, isnt american, etc...i would tell them to like it or leave it alone...i feel like hes just being unreasonable

question 1: why is it such a freaking big deal?!?!?!!?

question 2: any advice?

[Ta Ta 1]

He needs to realize that he can not change you. Only you can decide.

It was very important to me to have a mate that shares my belief and that was a priority for me when I chose my fiance.

Anyone else was out of the question from the beginning.

One huge question to ask will be : How will you raise your children ? Will there be static all the time ?

People always want to change others into something they are not months after they hook up and that can ruin a relationship.

If a compromise can not be agreed upon and accepted then you will have a rough way to go.

He can not force you to believe with all your heart. Impossible.

[chri'stina 190]

As Omobo said, I am also a very spiritual person and only could marry someone who had the same beliefs as me, and the same amount of passion for those beliefs...meaning how it effects daily life. Until we had that part discussed, we couldn't progress further in the relationship.

This is something that seems very important to your fiance, no matter the reason, and is definitely something you have to figure out together. You will both have to either compromise or face a rocky time ahead. It's true that he can't change you, but you also can't change him. It is a big deal if it's a big deal to the man you are going to marry. I'm sure in the heat of the moment it's hard to see things from both sides. Maybe he thought you were more catholic than you are, and is surprised that you aren't, or vice versa. So it's really time to lay it all out on the table and figure out what realistically can happen about the religious aspect of your relationship.

Just be careful asking personal advice like this on VJ though. It can get sticky with all the answers you will probably get. Just take things with a grain of salt.

I hope everything works out for you guys soon, I'm sure something will work out.

[KaiserD 12]

Sorry to hear about the bumps you've come across, I hope you work things out okay.

I guess just try to take things one step at a time, it seems like a problem that will work it's way out gradually with negotiations.

It's a big deal because unfortunately the human race is still lacking in general diplomacy skills. I still hold hope for the humans of the next 5000 years

[bszoom42 0]

my fiance and his family are catholic....my family is also catholic, but i do not claim to have a religion...i dont believe in organized religion

to my fiance, it is a very big deal that i say that i am catholic, and that i mean it

he told me that he wouldnt bring me to his parents house on christmas, because it would be fake...

question 1: why is it such a freaking big deal?!?!?!!?

question 2: any advice?

It is a big deal because from your fiance's perspective, saying that you are catholic and meaning it is a big deal.

You feel strongly against religion; whereas he is strongly for it... He doesn't want to bring you to his family on religious occasions. To some people, religion is very very important. To some people, they don't care. And there are a lot of people in between those two extremes.

Since you both feel so strongly about this issue, you need to either compromise, agree to disagree, or part ways... My advice is to come to a decision about how important reaching an understanding about this issue is as compared to how important your relationship is.

Best of luck!

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

I always wondered why people get so locked up on religion. Religion in its basic form is nothing more than right and wrong. The devil resides in the details!

Let your conscience be your guide.

[TracyTN 237]

I think part of the 'big deal' to him could be partially about how you will raise your children. If your values/beliefs about going to church and how to practice (or not practice) Catholicism are at odds, then having children could become particulary hairy if you're not in agreement.

If you've decided not to have children, then I'm sure some of what the other folks have suggested could be at play (or they could be at play simultaneously anyway).

I am not religious, nor is my hubby - but it was certainly a conversation we had early on; not just in how we would 'fit' together personality/belief wise, but also how it would effect/not effect our families and raising children.

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

thanks for all of your help guys...its just nice to have an outside perspective on the issue...thinking about my fiance now that im not angry and upset, i cannot see him refusing to compromise....i think that we were in the heat of the moment and that he wanted to make his point that this is something very important to him...im going to talk to him tonight about it again, but hopefully this time we will both be much more calm and collected

best wishes to all, and thanks again

[Ladylethal 12]

I am an agnostic, never belonged to any church, my mom is an atheist, but my grandparents are baptists. My husband was baptized in the catholic church but doesn't follow any religion, but, he's very religious in the sense of believing in God and Devil, Heaven and Hell, angels, etc. We respect each other and since my opinions are usually very strong in these subjects we've agreed I won't just blatantly say "I don't believe" or "I don't care" to his parents, since his mom is very religious.

We chose to disagree on the subject, we don't talk about it and since he doesn't go to church it has absolutely no effect on our relationship.

Your fiance should understand and accept you, and he can't be so demanding when he's not SO devoted himself.

[Caladan 19]

It's a big deal to him because if you are devoutly religious, then it is The Big Deal. Maybe he isn't religious himself now - long dark teatime of the soul, typical young Catholic wandering away - but he has a picture of what married life should be, and part of that picture is cute little babies going to church with their mom, or family celebrations of Christmas and Easter with everyone going to church.

You two need to sit down and have a chat about it. What about kids? Why does he think that you'd be more of a problem at Christmas than he is? Does he see himself going to church once he has a family? Does he want you to go, too? You get the drill.

[pedroh 21]

unless they're hardcore catholics, u dont have a problem.. normal catholics won't mind.. just tell'em sure.. i believe in haysus, and saint someone..

[Marilyn. 340]

my hubby is Catholic and I am Christian (although I have kind of gotten of the beaten track here for awhile )...

it isn't a big deal to us because hubby and his family are not really hardcore Catholic...

I told hubby that I would be fine with going to the occasional Catholic service... and he has gone with me to a Christian church but we haven't really found one we like yet, although we are not trying very hard to find one and now hubby is busy a lot of the time on the weekend....

[Sister Fracas 5]

Actually, I think he IS being a little unreasonable since he doesn't practice Catholicism himself. Saying he is Catholic doesn't just make it so, there has to be follow-thru, and it seems like he's missing that part of it. He more concerned about what his family thinks. That very well could be a problem in the future if he's more concerned about what his family thinks when it comes to other issues as well. It sounds like you are being mature, honest and open when you say you will attend services out of respect, even if it's not what you believe. I don't think that's fake.

In marriage, I believe you put your spouse ahead of the rest of your family, or you'll have a real problem. He needs to see that.

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

Actually, I think he IS being a little unreasonable since he doesn't practice Catholicism himself. Saying he is Catholic doesn't just make it so, there has to be follow-thru, and it seems like he's missing that part of it. He more concerned about what his family thinks. That very well could be a problem in the future if he's more concerned about what his family thinks when it comes to other issues as well. It sounds like you are being mature, honest and open when you say you will attend services out of respect, even if it's not what you believe. I don't think that's fake.

In marriage, I believe you put your spouse ahead of the rest of your family, or you'll have a real problem. He needs to see that.

thank you very much for seeing my side of this...i think that it would be much more understandable if he actually went to church every week and actually practiced the religion that he claims to be a part of...i told him that to him its basically a name...i call myself susan, i call myself catholic

i explain his religion to him! ridiculous

i also tried to explain to him that he is not 100% the ideal husband for me in the eyes of my family, and that he is not the only one making compromises...hopefully when we are not in the heat of battle he will be able to understand where im coming from a little better

thanks again to everyone for their input

[almaty 19]

religion is the opiate of the masses...karl marx