VJ Horror Stories

[Jaseball 0]

Before going for a K1 I looked for immigration fraud stories all over and found a few. Marriage itself already freaked me out because of how US family courts appeared stacked against males and divorce law favors the spouse with the lower income. Children are also usually awarded to the mother.

All my past girlfriends were USC's. Never did I think about dating or being in a LTR with a foreigner.

So, the fact that the girl I felt was compatible and best suited for me happened to be a foreigner and I had to go through the visa process and sign support forms and go through all this was just another large layer of stress and concern as well as a big surprise.

If things work out, you are both honest about your intentions, both realize marriage and possible future kids is a huge burden and responsibility and will require work, then none of this matters if you remain together. If you are fooled, defrauded, being used/tricked, then this is a major problem and is going to flip your entire world upside down.

The past two days here has really freaked me out. I found a few threads and the forum describing 'family changes,' and started reading thread after thread of USC's being defrauded, women who were supposed to be fiancees/wives running away days/weeks after arriving, beneficiaries who were in possibly abusive relationships, people asking about citizenship, AOS, and remaining after their initial relationship fell apart.

I realize each situation is unique. How much relationship experience did each side have? How old is the petitioner in relation to the beneficiary? How did they meet each other? Are children involved? Does the beneficiary have friends, relatives, or other connections over here? First marriage or divorced? The list goes on and on.

Given that USC to USC marriages end in divorce 40-50% of the time in some statistics I would venture to guess that the rate of divorce in VJ situations should be lower than this often quoted statistic. I'm just guessing here, but I would think that anyone going through the visa process probably gives more scrutiny to the situation than average couples. The large majority are also probably separated for extensive periods of time and forced to communicate and maintain a relationship without the perks of companionship and physical contact.

I'm also not questioning my relationship or my decision any more than before and feel I have someone worth pursuing and I do trust her, but reading these threads made me realize there is always the chance to be wrong. None of the people expected the person they trusted and loved was going to stab them in the back, but it still happened. Being betrayed by someone you loved is one of the worse feelings I can imagine. What's even worse is several of these stories I feel the people got off lucky because they didn't even finish AOS or some were not even married. It would be far more painful if someone wanted to stay with you 2-3 years and gain unconditional GC or naturalization when the entire time they are just waiting to divorce you and were that calculating.

[SteveLaura 0]

It's a risk. Life is full of 'em. Risk nothing, gain nothing. And to thine own self be true.

OK, I'm out of platitudes now.

[no name 1]

A lot of these cases have 'signs' yet they are ignored.....

[Kathryn41 3,205]

While it is a good thing to be aware of the possibilities, it is also a good idea to try and keep them in perspective. Reading the "Family Changes' thread is reading specifically about the relationships that have problems for one reason or another. What you also need to keep in mind is the large number of people here who are in long-lasting successful relationships with a non-USC born spouse.

As in many media situations, we focus on the 'bad news' scenarios and tend to overlook all of the good ones. (Kind of like the 'one "Damn" will negate 100 "Attaboy!"s' scenario). So, do your best to build a relationship with your fiancee, get to know each other well (as well as you can at a distance), pay attention to your instincts, keep the lines of communications open, and recognize that there will be cultural differences to accommodate as well as the regular relationship issues. There are no guarantees, but there are also enough of us around who are living proof that there are honest and committed relationships between a US citizen and a non-US spouse. I truly hope that your relationship will prove itself to be one of these, too.

[Jaseball 0]

While it is a good thing to be aware of the possibilities, it is also a good idea to try and keep them in perspective. Reading the "Family Changes' thread is reading specifically about the relationships that have problems for one reason or another. What you also need to keep in mind is the large number of people here who are in long-lasting successful relationships with a non-USC born spouse.

As in many media situations, we focus on the 'bad news' scenarios and tend to overlook all of the good ones. (Kind of like the 'one "Damn" will negate 100 "Attaboy!"s' scenario). So, do your best to build a relationship with your fiancee, get to know each other well (as well as you can at a distance), pay attention to your instincts, keep the lines of communications open, and recognize that there will be cultural differences to accommodate as well as the regular relationship issues. There are no guarantees, but there are also enough of us around who are living proof that there are honest and committed relationships between a US citizen and a non-US spouse. I truly hope that your relationship will prove itself to be one of these, too.

Great advice. It's pretty much how I feel. The parts about how one negative is what people remember and how unhappy people are more likely to voice an opinion while happy people are off doing what makes them happy is definitely how I see things.

There is no 'happily ever after,' and I know this. I'm just hoping my instincts and experience are accurate and I get the chance to go for 'Happily as two people can reasonably expect."

[Dan J 277]

A lot of these cases have 'signs' yet they are ignored.....

Thats true for alot of relationships, even ones that dont involve immigration.

[raymaga 25]

A lady I met at my medical exam in Vancouver and kept in contact with afterwards ended up getting a rude awakening (she was the foreign fiance) when she got to the U.S. to marry her fiance.

While they dated, he showered her with gifts (a truck, cell phone, etc.) and they had a wonderful relationship. She moved to the U.S., married him, and very shortly afterwards, he became so controlling, that he took away the truck he had given her and her cell phone and was hardly ever home. If he wasn't working, he was out by himself. She was totally isolated and knew no one. Her husband had done a complete Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde on her.

He ate most of his meals out and didn't give her any money for food. She was required to look after his 3 children (when they took their turn at their Dad's house), without food in the house to feed these children.

She ended up leaving him and returning to Canada. After she left, he begged her to come back to him and said he would change. She did not return to him, has divorced him, and is now happy in a new relationship inside her own country.

So, my point is, it's not just the US citizen that sometimes gets burned..... the foreign fiance (or spouse) can also get burned!!!!

[Caladan 19]

I'm just guessing here, but I would think that anyone going through the visa process probably gives more scrutiny to the situation than average couples.

Ehhhhhhhh... I don't know if I'd go that far. There seem to be a lot of couples that rush into marriage largely because they can't be with each other any other way due to distance and expense. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't.

One thing to remember is that hindsight isn't always 20/20. Sometimes it's a lot of rationalizations. You'll see it in American-American breakups, too, where one person decides they must never have really loved the other person, or they should have seen it coming because you know, she always bought off-brand cat food and that PROVES she loves money too much. I think a lot of so-called red flags are post hoc ergo propter hoc.

And sometimes people ignore signs that are in their face because they're not always jumping up and down and wiggling.

So, first things first. Take a deep breath.

Okay. Second thing. Realize there isn't a one-size fits all set of red flags. For example, my husband, since a week after we were married, has been out of town. In Texas and other places with work before his work permit expires. Does it sort of look like a red flag kind of case? Yup. Am I being used for a green card and have I been abandoned? Nope. Why? Because I know my own circumstances well enough to know that if C. just wanted a work permit he'd get an L1 visa like his co-workers. So someone else's red flags might not be yours. We never hear the whole story.

Third thing. Be honest with yourself. If your fiancee was an American girl, would you be deciding to get married now? If not, why not? Do you speak a common language? Are you interested in her because you've heard good things about women from that part of the world, or because of something about her? What sort of things do you two talk about? How long have you been together? How long had you been together before you decided to learn about visas and immigration?

There aren't really right or wrong answers to these questions, but forcing yourself to think about yourself honestly is about the only thing you can do to try to protect yourself.

[ChristinaM 0]

US family courts appeared stacked against males and divorce law favors the spouse with the lower income.

Being male you can't help, but isn't it a little presumptuous to assume you'll be the higher-earning spouse?

(Just a question from a female, non-USC, bread-winning member of VJ.)

If you have trust in your SO and you genuinely believe that she's "The One", then don't let the bad experiences you've read taint that. USC-USC marriages have abuse, scandal, and many of same the problems that you're reading about in the "Effects" forum. And be honest - if you'd uprooted your life and built a new one in China but your marriage were to fail, wouldn't you want to know what your options to remain were too?

Don't panic!

[Sinergy 3]

You cant worry yourself over other ppl's bad relationships. If you did, you wouldnt be getting married. And since you didnt before this process, you shouldnt now either.

[Jaseball 0]

I just replied to a PM and actually raised the point that 1/2 the horror stories here appeared to be the beneficiary being the one duped and deceived. No way am I insinuating the USC is always or even in the majority right. I think it is sadistic leading someone on, having them uproot their life, leave family and friends behind, quit their job, etc., and come over here and then turn their world upside down (in a bad way) or try to force them into indentured servitude.

Regarding the higher income spouse comment, I apologize if my wording made it appear that I assumed the male earns more. There are definitely cases where women earn less for doing the same work, however my last 4 bosses have been female, so I am under no delusion that females automatically earn less or are not in management. I would be very happy for my fiancee and future wife to far surpass me in income. I'm comfortable with my masculinity and would love for her to shower me with materialistic gifts showing her affection.

Being honest with myself is really important. The fact that she is foreign and after researching the visa process and time frame did affect my timing. If she were my standard USC girlfriend I would probably hold off on marriage for several more months. In this situation I moved up my proposal knowing the visa process would take 6-10+ months and that after approval she had 6 more months to close up her affairs and even after she arrived she had 3 months to truly see what it would be like living here and we had that time to adjust as well.

[churipu 4]

A lot of these cases have 'signs' yet they are ignored.....

So true...

[Dr_LHA 3]

I'm just guessing here, but I would think that anyone going through the visa process probably gives more scrutiny to the situation than average couples.

Perhaps, but I'm also willing to bet that marriages where it involves one person immigrating to the USA have a much higher rate of fraud (i.e. the marriage was entered into for reasons other than love by one or both parties), than marriages between 2 USCs do.

[garya505 2]

I'm just guessing here, but I would think that anyone going through the visa process probably gives more scrutiny to the situation than average couples.

Perhaps, but I'm also willing to bet that marriages where it involves one person immigrating to the USA have a much higher rate of fraud (i.e. the marriage was entered into for reasons other than love by one or both parties), than marriages between 2 USCs do.

I'd be willing to bet that you are correct.

[Caladan 19]

I'm just guessing here, but I would think that anyone going through the visa process probably gives more scrutiny to the situation than average couples.

Perhaps, but I'm also willing to bet that marriages where it involves one person immigrating to the USA have a much higher rate of fraud (i.e. the marriage was entered into for reasons other than love by one or both parties), than marriages between 2 USCs do.

Usually the USCs don't need a green card.