Question about male behaviour

[almaty 19]

i agree sister marilyn...need to fine out the issues and why

[PaulineA 1]

Your husband should still be showing affection towards you no matter how much you weigh. Lose the weight if you want to, not for anyone else. And you are trying to lose it by going to the gym so I think he should at least appreciate your efforts. Maybe there is another problem in his life that you don't know about?

[no name 1]

wow...i think one conversation will result in you and your husband coming to a conclusion...he sounded defensive..and probably thought, you were confronting him on his devotion to you....

need to discuss this again,at a later date..on a week-end, not at night..

i do not think any speculation on this thread by posters..will help you..and certainly a piling on and negative comments about your spouse..will not reinforce a constructive view of him,,,

[*JG* 2]

Don't blame yourself first and foremost. People change. Your shape, weight, behavior, attitudes will change throughout your entire life.

My husband stays up later then me because I am a tv hog and love all the crime shows: L&O, CSI, Without a Trace, Monk.....etc. Rather then fight over tv time, he just lets me be and then watches his BET and action movies after I've fallen asleep. Fine with me. But, then, our schedules are a little different and he can sleep later then me, so it's not an issue. I need my full 8 hours of sleep or I am unbearable eventually.

Maybe it is something as simple as he is asserting his independence and taking control of what he can cause something else in his life is spinning out of control. This whole process is challenging.

Talk to him. Really tell him how this makes you feel. If he ignores your feelings, then maybe he is just being a jerk. But, maybe, just maybe, he doesn't understand where you are coming from and needs to be helped along.

[JODO 2]

My husband cannot and will not sleep longer than four hours so my behaviour will not impact that at all - sadly.

He has always said that if I don't lose my weight within a "reasonable time" in his estimation he will cut me off emotionally because it shows I don't love him enough. To him those two issues are directly inter-related. He said only about a month ago when we were driving in the car that his next big project for me is a tummy-tuck so I know those are big issues for him.

I'm a size 16 so it's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything. He wants me to be a size 6. I think his issues about not comingto bed with me are tied into the fact that he can't bear to feel my body because it's not tight and toned like he wants it to be.

I don't know what else to do - I'm 39 and it has gotten gotten harder as I get older. H enever even commends me on getting out of bed at 4:30 to go the the gym. It's like nothing I do is valued because it will never be enough in his eyes.

I hate being irritated because it's not me and I'm putting on a brave front but sometimes I just want to scream....and I am confident and self-assured that's one of the things that drew him to me in the first place. I have a high-level job etc and was a single parent for 14 years so there is no question of being "needy". That was exactly what he didnt want in his next wife!!

This is wrong. He needs to encourage you to lose weight as it is better for your health,but only you can choose how and when to do that. This attitude that he is going to "punish you" is very unhelpful and not positive for the situation.

Good Luck

[Kez/JWolf 6]

There is no man on this planet that I would allow to manipulate or control me over my body size, weight or look.... whet he is doing is wrong... if he wanted a size 6 wife then why did he not marry a size 6 woman.. you should feel good about what you are doing for yourself not because your husband has made threats about what his next project is... tummy tuck indead...

Sorry but that is so wrong...

Kez

[Jasman0717 9]

This is way over my head. Maybe a marriage counselor could give you some information. I hope you are able to work through it.

[britbird 4]

wow...i think one conversation will result in you and your husband coming to a conclusion...he sounded defensive..and probably thought, you were confronting him on his devotion to you....

need to discuss this again,at a later date..on a week-end, not at night..

I agree - having these discussions in the evening or before you go to bed hardly ever works.

That said, I can understand your being upset at the discussions over your weight - if he were concerned about your weight for health reasons that would be one thing (my husband prods me to go to the gym, but only in his case because he knows I feel much better afterwards and it helps me get less migraines), but it seems rather more cosmetic (tummy tuck? Yikes - those really should only be reserved for people who have no hope of ever getting any tone back in their stomachs and could suffer medical issues as a result) and that's troubling.

Oh, and him only getting 4 hours of sleep a night is very unhealthy, but that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Edited August 23, 2007 by britbird

[Otto 83]

[SteveLaura 0]

I agree with Dean - set aside some time to discuss this with him. Use statements to say how you feel. (Eg. "I feel unloved when you...") Give him the opportunity to tell you what he's going through. Give him plenty of time to do that. I know I'm bad at getting my feelings across and will more likely clam up if I feel pressurised.

I moved from the UK to the US 2 years ago and personally the last few months have been the most difficult for me adjusting. I feel in limbo between being settled and being an outsider still. Maybe your husband is feeling something similar. I dunno. I love my wife but sometimes I also resent her for being the cause of all the difficulties I've had to face since moving here to be with her. It's not fair nor rational and I'm not proud of these feelings but they are there sometimes, on bad days. Maybe his statements about your weight are his way of getting you to feel some pain too.

As I say, I dunno. All we can do is speculate. But you should talk. Soon. Good Luck.

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

I agree with Almaty that speculation on the part of 3rd parties isn't particularly useful here.

That said I can kind of relate to this. I find that I usually go to bed 1-2 hours later than my wife - as I usually work late till around 1am. She has a demanding job (10-14 hours per day) job that usually means she's wiped by 10pm and ends up crashing early.

I'm usually on the PC working till around 1am - mainly because I tend to find I get very little done when we're both together - TV's a distraction as is all the other domestic stuff that goes on when we're both together.

The other thing to point out of course - certainly from my perspective is that my life has changed quite drastically since moving here. I had a fairly busy social life in the UK, which has all but disappeared since moving to the US (and especially since we moved to NJ) - so TV, The Internet, Books, Video Games tend to be natural distractions from that.

[perfect 39]

Thank you - I have found some of these comments, especially those from males insightful.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

Are most of these replies from women?

In a perfect world men would understand women and women would understand men but unfortunately it isn't

I am a man and if I were spending my time in the evenings away from my wife it means I am bored and the most interesting thing I can do is watch TV and play on the computer. Marriageis alot of work, isn't easy because sometimes one person has to work harder than the other one if they want some type of change to occur. It isn't always fair or equal but if the issue is important enough then you may end up being the one that has to do the most work. If you are religious try going to your church for help.

I know it doesn't seem fair but sometimes you goota do what ya gotta do.

[Caladan 19]

My husband cannot and will not sleep longer than four hours so my behaviour will not impact that at all - sadly.

He has always said that if I don't lose my weight within a "reasonable time" in his estimation he will cut me off emotionally because it shows I don't love him enough. To him those two issues are directly inter-related. He said only about a month ago when we were driving in the car that his next big project for me is a tummy-tuck so I know those are big issues for him.

I'm a size 16 so it's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything. He wants me to be a size 6. I think his issues about not comingto bed with me are tied into the fact that he can't bear to feel my body because it's not tight and toned like he wants it to be.

I don't know what else to do - I'm 39 and it has gotten gotten harder as I get older. H enever even commends me on getting out of bed at 4:30 to go the the gym. It's like nothing I do is valued because it will never be enough in his eyes.

I hate being irritated because it's not me and I'm putting on a brave front but sometimes I just want to scream....and I am confident and self-assured that's one of the things that drew him to me in the first place. I have a high-level job etc and was a single parent for 14 years so there is no question of being "needy". That was exactly what he didnt want in his next wife!!

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with that. My dad used to call my mother fat (at 140 pounds and a size 8) and it played hell on her self-esteem. Do you two have a pastor you can talk to, or do you think he'd be amenable to couples counseling? It might help you two find a way around your problems, and it can be good to have an objective third party around even if all you need to do is clear the air together.

[TracyTN 237]

Are most of these replies from women?

In a perfect world men would understand women and women would understand men but unfortunately it isn't

I am a man and if I were spending my time in the evenings away from my wife it means I am bored and the most interesting thing I can do is watch TV and play on the computer. Marriageis alot of work, isn't easy because sometimes one person has to work harder than the other one if they want some type of change to occur. It isn't always fair or equal but if the issue is important enough then you may end up being the one that has to do the most work. If you are religious try going to your church for help.

I know it doesn't seem fair but sometimes you goota do what ya gotta do.

If a man watches TV on his own or surfs the internet without his wife sitting there, that means he is 'bored' with his wife?

Sounds to me, too, like perfect IS working harder to try and fix the problem. Its her husband who isn't carrying his weight. (Granted, we only have one side of the story but still.)