How do you get around family + church pressure

[Nathan Waltz 0]

Hey, I am Nathan (US, 25) hoping to marry my fiancee (CN, 30). We have been together for four years, some of the time was shaky, and while things aren't perfect I really do love her and want to be together with her, and I know she really loves me. Both of my parents strongly disapprove of my decision and come at it from the "you will regret this decision long term" and fear approach. She can't speak the language, she is from a different country, different faith, and so they think "well if people with the exact same backgrounds can't even make it work why do you think you can?" Then the church I am going to currently, that I am looking to separate from (and return to the Catholic church) basically said that I am sinning by getting married to a non-believer and that I must break up with her. This caused a lot of confusion and doubt in me yesterday, and I did break up with my fiancee but we ended up getting back together. I really, really do love her deeply and I want to make it work, all these people projecting their opinions and doubt onto me is making things really hard for me. I know I must not be alone in this, and so I am asking you, what did you do to make it work? I really feel so lost right now. She says she will never abandon me and that she loves me despite all of this stuff, but everyone is so focused on her imperfections and my mom used her previous marriage as an example of why it couldn't work. How do you guard against this stuff eating up at you?

 

[mam521 2,749]

Hey Nathan.  Welcome to the forum!

 

First and foremost, you need to work out what your faith is (or isn't - entirely for you to decide) and how that relationship works.  Irrespective of what your parents want, you're an adult and you have every right to make those decisions about what you believe and how.  

 

Secondly, it sounds like you need to set some boundaries with your parents.  Not sure what your relationship is or your living situation, but again, you're an adult.  Maybe this requires heading to some counselling or therapy to learn how to manage all of that; I can't judge, I'm not in your shoes.  

 

How much time have you spent with your fiancé and how, if she doesn't know the language, do you communicate?  Are you fluent in Mandarin?  Why would she want to move to the USA?  Would you move to her country?  All questions you need to ask yourself.  

 

This sounds more like you need to do some soul searching on who you are as a person and what your values are and then evaluate how these other people fit into that structure.  Yes, parents typically want what's best for their kids, but it doesn't mean their approach is always ideal.  Maybe they are scrutinizing your partner somewhat emphatically, but do you have rose colored glasses on when it comes to this person and they are just trying to protect you?  Yes, people who are in a relationship typically tell one another they'll never leave.  The hard truth is people change, relationships change and sometimes things just don't work.  So, deep down inside, are you prepared for that reality, be it happily ever after OR not so happily ever after?  You have to take a pragmatic approach before making major life decisions, but that requires a bit of a philosophical visit to know yourself.  

[TBoneTX 48,391]

What mam521 said, in spades.

 

In addition:

1.  Search deeply within yourself, and both ask and answer this question:  What flaws and shortcomings in or surrounding my spouse-to-be can I overlook completely... and never bring up or let rise again?

 

2.  Repeat aloud to yourself, multiple times, while looking into your own eyes in the mirror:  "Marry in haste, repent in leisure... marry in haste, repent in leisure..." and grasp what your reflection is telling you.

[Nathan Waltz 0]

@TBoneTX and @mam521 thank you both for your replies and words of wisdom. You are absolutely right that I need to set clearer boundaries. I'm an adult, I live on my own, and I need to make my own decisions. I guess this is just part of growing up into being an adult.

 

I've decided to leave my current church for another due to repeated instances of spiritual control - not just one situation, but a pattern of people claiming to know what's "best" for me. They've said they want a say in my relationships and that I shouldn't marry a non-believer and that I am going against what God wants. They had a two hour session under false pretenses where they basically called out my decisions, and tried to pressure me into making a decision.

 

I've known my fiancee for four years. We've shared a lot of wonderful times together. Conflicts do arise, which some say is a red flag, and maybe we aren't the best at handling conflicts, but they tend to resolve quickly and our relationship grows from them. My Chinese is decent - not fluent, but conversational - and she's also learning English. When either of us hits a vocabulary wall, we use a translation app. I wonder how common this is? I imagine it might be pretty common. We don't get to spend much time in person yet, but we talk and video call every day. She waits for me to wake up in the morning and messages me first thing when she wakes up. It might be more communication than some couples prefer, but for us, given the distance, it feels just right and I really love talking to her - she is super sweet.

 

My parents and others who advise me that are close to me in my life are mainly trying to minimize risk it seems and to protect me out of fear, but they tend to focus on the negatives. I might also have rose-colored glasses, but I think that is fine as long as I sometimes take a step back and consider reality. After reflecting on this and the whole situation, I have realized that I am willing to accept that risk and take a leap of faith, trusting that I'm capable of working through whatever challenges arise. I don't want to give up on the woman I love because of outside pressure. If I walked away now, I know I'd live with the question "What if?" for the rest of my life - and that's a regret I'm not willing to carry.

 

I have told my mom about my engagement, my mom knows and disapproves, but I haven't told my dad because I really do not want to have this conversation with him because I know he will disapprove. I really need to work this problem out next.

Edited yesterday at 04:54 PM by Nathan Waltz

[Neonred 3,959]

1 hour ago, Nathan Waltz said:

 We don't get to spend much time in person yet, but we talk and video call every day.

 

I would suggest you spend more time in person.  The more the better.