Hello and some thoughts on the impact of the immigration process

[Rubycon 0]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on VJ. I found the site several months into mine and my fiancée’s K1 visa process, however it has been comforting (if somewhat humbling) to realise that our story is not the only one out there. So no questions, as yet – just wanted to share my thoughts. I'm not sure if this is the best place for this post, but none of the other forums seemed to fit the bill.

The basics: I am a UK citizen, 23, my fiancée, Monica, is the American – a little older than me. We met at university in England in 2004, where both of us were studying for our masters degrees. After dating for several months, our degree courses came to an end, and – very sadly – we said goodbye, with the promise that I would visit her in Chicago. I had already secured a job in England, and at the time we didn’t see any way that our relationship could continue as it had done before.

After a lonely couple of months, I made my first trip to the US for a lovely Christmas and New Year 2005/06 with Monica. We both quickly realised that our feelings for each other had not diminished in any way – if anything they had strengthened. Some months later – again, lonely ones – Monica visited me in England and we graduated together.

Needless to say, we have visited each other several times since then. We both work in education, so are fortunate enough to have regular holiday/vacation time in which we can travel (even if the US and UK education system vacations don’t coincide!). In November 2006 I realised that I loved her to bits (sorry, I’ll try to spare you all the sicky details are far as possible), and I think she felt the same(!), so we decided to take the next step and get engaged.

We submitted our K1 petition in December 2006, and I'm now waiting on my police certificate coming back from the NIS before I return the declaration of readiness for interview form.

After reading through many of the posts here, it struck me that no-one had really discussed the impact the visa process has on a relationship. How do different couples deal with the loneliness of waiting for several months to be together? How do couples deal with the stress of having one's future (and present) in the hands of faceless agency? What effect has the waiting had on your relationship? Your relationship is special, but only as special as everyone else's.

As for many people here, my visa journey will conclude (or just begin, but I'm not worrying about that just yet) with marriage – a life changing decision, but for those of us who are not US citizens, it also involves moving home; changing jobs (in my case possibly career) – and not least the simple culture shock of emigrating. How have people been able to deal with the stress of this complete change of life?

I am sure that there is no-one among us who would claim that the visa process has been easy. My fiancée and I have found ourselves arguing about the visa timeline over the phone, later realising that the only way we have been able to vent our frustrations about something over which we have no control, is to argue with each other about it. In a time of uncertainty, it would be nice to believe that the fact that we love each other will be enough (maybe it will be), but the very fact that this love exists through phone calls, letters, emails and text messages (if I weren't a hardened cynic, I'd say it exists in the heart too), means that reality is all too ready to distract us with thoughts of shipping, affidavits, form this, form that, supplement to this, that, and the other.

But I don't mean to sound defeatist! As all of us do, I'm looking forward to that moment when I can triumphantly walk out of the embassy!

What is it that will have sustained us to that point? Thoughts please...

[Alex+R 0]

After reading through many of the posts here, it struck me that no-one had really discussed the impact the visa process has on a relationship. How do different couples deal with the loneliness of waiting for several months to be together? How do couples deal with the stress of having one's future (and present) in the hands of faceless agency? What effect has the waiting had on your relationship? Your relationship is special, but only as special as everyone else's.

As for many people here, my visa journey will conclude (or just begin, but I'm not worrying about that just yet) with marriage – a life changing decision, but for those of us who are not US citizens, it also involves moving home; changing jobs (in my case possibly career) – and not least the simple culture shock of emigrating. How have people been able to deal with the stress of this complete change of life?

I am sure that there is no-one among us who would claim that the visa process has been easy. My fiancée and I have found ourselves arguing about the visa timeline over the phone, later realising that the only way we have been able to vent our frustrations about something over which we have no control, is to argue with each other about it. In a time of uncertainty, it would be nice to believe that the fact that we love each other will be enough (maybe it will be), but the very fact that this love exists through phone calls, letters, emails and text messages (if I weren't a hardened cynic, I'd say it exists in the heart too), means that reality is all too ready to distract us with thoughts of shipping, affidavits, form this, form that, supplement to this, that, and the other.

Actually, if you need comfort, there is a topic posted in Off Topic forum just about every week about "how do you deal with the separation??" etc. (Maybe you were just not reading the right forums, because it seems that's all many people talk about at first.) Some people find their relationship strengthened, others tried and strengthened, and still others' relationships fall apart under the pressure of long distance. It's individual, obviously. I think most people find that their sense of drama about the process diminishes over time.

As for how you deal with changing jobs and lives, check out the forum for that ("Moving Here and Your New Life in America"). Lots of posts in there should help you.

I hope the process is swift for you and that VJ is able to help you get through both the practical and emotional challenges of the immigration process.

[~Chad~ 0]

Welcome to vj! The process is like anything else--- ups and downs, hills and valleys, stress and joy. It's like going up a ladder with mailing the petition off being the first step. Sometimes it seemed to take forever, other times it seems like it flew by. Good luck on your journey

[Ta Ta 1]

Welcome to VJ.

By my timeline you can tell that we have been apart for a long time.

A 4-6 month visa journey seems like a breeze to me. It is when the unexpected

happens and your case gets put on hold without an end in sight when things get tough.

In a nutshell.....you have made a commintment and that is that.

I would have never believed I could go through this for so long when we first filed but when there is a long delay you dig deep and you don't quit.

Every morning I think this could be the day that our case is complete.

That is what gets me through.

Each day we spend apart is a day closer to our reunion.

It takes a strong person and committment and not everyone is cut out for this

roller coaster ride.

[MaydayDas 1]

Welcome to VJ!

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Welcome to VJ!

[Zee Bee 61]

Welcome to VJ!!!!

Long distance relationships are hard but throw in all this visa stuff and it can become a mess . Like others have said, sometimes it makes you stronger and sometimes people have to go their separate ways. The thing to remember is that communication is the key. Phone calls, letters, e-mails, text messages, they all help but nothing beats being in the presence of your loved one

But for people who truly love each other, any separation that occurs is worth it when you know that in the end you are going to be together forever. Whenever my fiance and I get frustrated over the separation and this process we remind each other that if we can make it through this process we can handle anything life throws at us.

Just remember, this is just temporary.

Good luck on your journey

[Rachylou 0]

Hi and welcome to VJ.

I'm also new here to, and after reading your post I have to say it brought a smile to my face, I know long distance is hard what I always do when when the going get rough is read thru some past emails this helps me to remember why I'm with him, what it is our relationship is built on and why I love him so much ........ it also makes me laugh when i read them as we say the silliest of things to each other when writting......

Anyway keep your chin up as the British would say its all worth it in the long run ....

[Disco 0]

What is it that will have sustained us to that point?

Did you notice your tence? will--->future So your saying you know we will be sustained, what your asking is how do we know this. There's no doubt we will but what allows us to do this.

Or maybe I'm reading to much into this...

[Bobbie 1]

I believe everyone goes through this process in much the same, and again very completely different emotions. For us, we see each other daily on the computer, we work together so we feel often like we are together. We arent and it has been months since i was in Germany, but,....as Klaus says, we are adults, we can wait. Maybe in October or so we will throw a few fits.

For us, we just get through it, have a dust up now and then, make up, and also give each other space. Like not talking for a few days (but as I said, we work together too, so for us we are together ALOT. LOL)

I guess I am also miffed and upset at the fact the USA gets to decide my future. And they could give a care if I must move away to be married. This really upsets me as a citizen. I think this is boarderline criminal.

The country decides who immigrates, no, a powerful handful of govt workers decide.

Well I am the country, and I have decided. I should count also.

Hang in there. Drinking actually does help (lol kidding)

Philisophical thought helps. (kidding, drinking helps)

Speaking in circles will surely be the end result (drinking, LOL Kidding helps)

Bobbie

[Fandango 1,439]

Hiya Rubycon...first off congrats and welcome to VJ.

The separation process is a very tough one...anyone here can tell ya that! Obviously we each have our own perspective on how we each deal with it. I think it's fair to make the blanket statements that it's a stressful time for everyone, and fights will arise out of tension. I feel those are within the realms of normalcy during this whole process.

Speaking for myself and my fiance David, we have had some silly & ridiculous fights. And the tension of being apart is horrible. We went from living together for years, to seing each other sporadically over the past two. it's been a terrible adjustment for us both. But we've found that the key to all of it is keeping busy. I kinda look at this time as a 'pregnancy' of sorts....it's the preparation time. So we both are constantly preparing for what's to come...and part of that preparation for him is to have as much fun as poss. D is a very fun loving person...life of the party, guy everyone loves to be around. So I'm always encouraging him to go out and experience all the things he's going to miss....footy, gigs, stoppybacks, etc. I want him to have fun & not feel like he missed out on anything.

Conversely, I have the time to do what I want as well...time to prepare for him coming, time to hang out with my friends all the time if I want, and also, time to work 75 hours a week if I have to. Which will only benefit us in the long run...and I can do that knowing full well I'm not neglecting him cos he's sat at home.

My family calls it 'the last hurrah' or even 'the final stretch'

We talk everyday on the phone, even sometimes for what I call a 'fly-by-hi'. I used to get pizzed off sometimes if he was busy when I wasn't, but that's just the unreasonable side of me throwing a tantrum because if I had a choice, we'd be together 24/7, lol.

I think this time is making us stronger as a couple. We were rock solid before, but now..hrmm, it's different now. We are both sacrificing for the common goal...he a lot more than I because he's leaving everything he knows. But it's proven that we can weather the most impossible, so the rest is gravy. I used to stress when we first were talking about getting engage...like omG! how do we do such a thing? what about the particulars? what about this, that, the other?????? He'd be all, 'one at at time, babe...nowt's bigger than we are' and that's exactly what happened. I think that kind of peace of mind is hard to come by, so if the distance has instilled in me the notion that we are tougher than steel, then it can't be all bad!

Lol, look at me...all emo today...

Good luck!