Loving a man from a Highly Corrupt Nigeria

[3CHI 11]

This post has long been on my mind and my fiancee confirmed it this morning that I must write it. He is an amazingly patient man and he knows that I have spent the last year dissecting his life and family; I have a man who sees it as a compliment!

This post comes from a woman (US Citizen) and man (Nigerian) and my thoughts and opinions only. The feelings of love can cloud allot of decisions and in this process you must be very careful that you look for the right signs and you ask all the right questions from the very beginning. Allow me to be blunt with you and in hopes that you will use your intuition and also this post as a way to gauge your relationship.

1. Only you can gauge the relationship, it is very important that you do not ask for advise from neither Nigerians or Americans. They will never truly understand your situation and only cause chaotic friction of your mindset. Your intuition needs to be free from the opinions of others!

2. Your Nigerian partner must be totally committed to you. He must be willing to explain his culture, family, relationship views, religion, finances and his communication style.

Examples; a. Phone Calls - does he have multiple SIMS so he can take your call at all times?

b. Family - do you have a diary of all his immediate and non immediate family. Keeping a journal of family, birth dates, etc

c. Culture - food, music, family traditions

d. Relationship views - who is your partner in his family. Is he the oldest son? How is helping his family? What is expected of him?

e. Religion - this the most major part of the relationship in my opinion and you must speak of it and find similarities and a common ground.

f. Finances - this must be spoke of from the beginning and before you decide to do any proceeding of moving forward with the process. He must know your financial situation and understand your struggles and dreams. He also needs to know that you must co-join your income once he arrives in the US. Also, what is your budget and his family needs to know the timeline.

I chose to stay in Nigeria because of my own need to ensure my future. I sacrificed shutting down a major part of my business to do so. It was the best decision of my life. I knew my future husband was a great communicator and a prayerful man, but it wasn't until I was in his environment did I see everything I had kept good records about. I kept records of everything and I found that everything my love said to me was truthful. I would have never been able to do that if I had not asked questions and made my own stance known from inception.

1. I asked him of all of his family and friends, ages and all female women. I asked him his habits and all of his outside activities. I did it not to control him, but to be able to help me understand and respect him. I came from a point of love and a man who really loves you will always discuss things with you to help you understand him.

2. I gave him my financial budget and explained to him our financial situation and discussed the budget for his family. Since, he is a 1st born and he has brother and sisters that depend on him, I explained to him the strict budget. I also, because I was in Nigeria, I was able to see how he explained in detail the finances with me. I was able to watch him to give me his own run down of what was spent. I kept my eyes open and never reacted but asked questions when things didn't add up. It is important that you never lose your temper and that you keep your eyes open.

3. Merging of our children and/or families. I explained in great detail my perspective of my family and how it was important that I was not cut off from my family, but that I will always take his side first! (Respect is important)

4. Church - It is important that you consider finding an African church, this will be important to him. I have agreed and encouraged him that we would drive the 2 hours + to a Winners Chapel at least once a month if not more and we would find a multi-cultured church.

5. Cooking/Cleaning - we discussed roles in detail. This is very important because most African men do not help their wives. I was fortunate to not have to discuss this much.

Red Flags (I have heard stories and I can guarantee that you need to watch out if you see any of these signs)

1. Domestic violence - it is "normal" for many men to hit their wives in NIgeria. You must discuss with him and discuss his family upbringing. A true Man of God will never hit his wife

2. Phone Calls - it is not "normal" if you call him on the phone and his phone is out of service for major parts of the time. Our phones worked in many areas, it is important for you to ask him to buy other SIMS - there is GLO, Airtel and MTN - of these networks is going to work. Having all 3 phone numbers will keep you sane.

3. Friends - it is important you know who are his friends and that you know and are introduced to everyone. If he is not willing to introduce you or tries to keep you a secret. RED FLAG.

4. Money - if he doesn't speak to you about money and if you send him money and he can't and won't account in detail on his own what he has spent. RED FLAG.

5. Family - it is important you know who his family is and that they give you clear evidence of all family members, ask lots of questions and keep good notes. For example, if they bring up an Auntie Sola, then you must know who this Auntie is and ask if they are just a friend of the family called Auntie or if they are indeed a blood relative.

Nigeria is known for corruption and do not be fooled. I do not write this to worry you or to make you afraid. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT.. that you take your time, get to know them, spend a lot of FACE to FACE time. It will save you allot of heartache. I chose to stay in Nigeria throughout the process and not everyone can be as fortunate. Yet, you can spend alot of time getting to know them on the phone and the net. Go into this relationship with allot of prayer, it is easy to get caught up IN LOVE and not see the details. This is your future and being married to a Nigerian will require a lot from you. It is more than just falling in love, Actions go a long way with a Nigerian. Ideas: Watching YOUTUBE videos on how to cook his favorite meal will go a long way. BE willing to stand your ground without being disrespectful is an ART you must MASTER!

I have truly spent hours and hours fighting for what is right and true through actions and NOT WORDS. My mind is full of complete adoration for my future husband because I see things that others might notice. I have trained my eyes/ears to do the work, so when my heart followed, I was able to enjoy the journey and love! He has said on many occasions, that he has never been loved like this! I am praying for your journey and I have committed to this group, to help you and listen to you. I will however, never get involved in your relationship. Take your time and quit pushing...........if it takes 2 years, it is worth every moment!

Edited May 12, 2016 by 3CHI

[LionessDeon 2,060]

I think this can apply to all relationships here, not just Nigeria. Good points.

[3CHI 11]

I am glad.

[N and J 88]

It's a great post. Had I would have known most of this and not been so blind with my ex I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, problems, and money. Thanks for the post!!

[3CHI 11]

It's a great post. Had I would have known most of this and not been so blind with my ex I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, problems, and money. Thanks for the post

I am positive the experience will give you an advantage in all you do! Ah the strength you have acquired excited to hear your GREAT FUTURE!

[Nafisakauna 5]

Being married to anyone requires a lot of work. People are people no matter what nationality they are, and people do what people do. Faithfulness in a relationship has nothing to do with where you are from, it's a choice.

thank you for sharing, Good points for any relationship- in any country.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Good post and I agree with your points and have done the same. He used to tease me about all my little notes I kept on him and his narrations of who is who and what is what. Our journey took us 5 years compared to your 5 months but we

still prevailed through it all and are very happy together now that he has been here for 1 1/2 years.

New challenges begin after they are here for a while and adjust but with mutual love and respect it will be alright.

You sailed through it all so easily at the interview because you were able to live with him while waiting out the process and Lagos likes real
live face time. Applause !

Vulnerable women (and men) shut their eyes and as they say love is blind though it happens with Americans and it happens with foreigners
and no matter where you meet someone, in the produce isle of your local grocery store or at the other side of the world, your points
are important. Nigeria does have its distinctive cultural points that one has to deal with as every other culture, they differ, each has
its good and weak points and you touched on specific points of West Africans which should be heeded by others here who may still be a

bit clueless, too trusting and vulnerable.
There is a dark side that reveals itself to many women (and men) if you aren't careful and prayerful and have both eyes open and
do your homework investigating from day one of meeting someone who interests you for the long haul and as a potential future spouse.
That way you can sift the frogs from the real guy. Be friends first, observe, don't fall so hard and quick, slow it down is my advice with
any relationship but especially long distance. The frogs will start to jump around though they appear to be in it for the long haul, most can't
keep it up and the real colors show through.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.....never assume financial issues, child rearing issues, job issues will fall into place by itself.
Talk it through and if it doesn't resonate then don't settle but move on. Compatibility should be a given, test it.
Thanks again for the post and I wanted to add my own 2 cents to it.

Blessings !

[3CHI 11]

Two genuine people will always prevail! Thank you so much for you kindness!

[Eric&Tasha 5]

Two genuine people will always prevail! Thank you so much for you kindness!

Thank you so much for your advice and for sharing your experience, it can help many people.

Tasha

[IfoemaUS 25]

This is such a wonderful and encouraging post. Thank you! I have a lot of similarity in the way my relationship has developed to yours so I'm grateful for the confirmations.

[3CHI 11]

This is such a wonderful and encouraging post. Thank you! I have a lot of similarity in the way my relationship has developed to yours so I'm grateful for the confirmations.

You are more than welcome :-) Bless you!

[norishing2007 2]

Thanks so much on your posts but I want to fix something there we as a human being supposed to be focus especially on individual characters not only on the country if you start searching you can find bad peoples in different part of every country in the world Nigeria is not worst in other countries in the world not mention a true relationship always comes with a focus not on a mindset if you're in a relationship and your opponent is cheating on you or taking advantage of you,you will know but some of us don't want to be focusing on what our friend just said they are desperately to marry because of sex or no one is talking to them,from that they lured themselves into trouble so dear let us be focus and exercise patience at the same time if you really want to know the truth marriage thanks so much Ebunoluwa and 3CHI for your insights

Edited May 26, 2016 by norishing2007

[MeAlone 158]

Dear 3CHI, again I am here in your post. reading again and so agree with you. I wish I would listen to your advice sooner but finally I did, not asking advice about a Nigerian man to others and not reading so many weird and negative stories about Nigeria, Nigerian people and relationship with a Nigerian. Each person is different but each country is the same in having good and bad people, never judge by the origin and don't listen bad stories. Missing my fiance when I got very sick (under strong medication and hospital) I went to read about Nigerian culture and Nigerian men, mixed couple relationship stories and asking advice to so many people, Nigerians and Africans trying to learn more ... I wish I wouldn't listen to so much bad talking, I wish I wouldn't ask for advice but I did, it did cause me so much pain and misunderstanding as my fiance wasn't understanding where all my bad thinking is coming from, him being so nice and caring with me. I gave him a hard time, fortunately love is here, we kept coming back to each other and nothing could keep us apart, fortunately my fiance is much more mature being younger than me and he understood my fears supporting me and staying on my side.

I am writing this as maybe there are some people thinking all Nigerians are so bad and it's not true. I found such a loving heart in my fiance, such a nice, loving, caring man and a wonderful little daughter, his baby girl. And yes, I learned to love this man as you, dear 3CHI said, like maybe nobody ever loved him and respected him, I learned to respect my fiance which is very important for a Nigerian man and, at the same time, he deserves so much respect being a genuine man and a good Christian. I hope my story will help to love and understand the real Nigerian.

Tasha

[3CHI 11]

Amen! God is good all the time! Inbox me anytime if you need anything!

[MeAlone 158]

Amen! God is good all the time! Inbox me anytime if you need anything!

Thank you, I will. I am so happy there are good Nigerian men and yes, when they are good, they are very good, very supportive, sweet and caring

Tasha