How to tell family there that i am not rich

[minions2 24]

Ever since i started working here i have been sending money every 1 to 2 weeks to mother, 2 sisters and 1 brother in the Philippines for utilities, tuition fees, food, and any expenses you could think of.. i told them i am not rich and have to work long hours to earn money and have my own expenses to pay for.. in Philippine culture, children are expected to send and spend money to parents and some relatives (i guess ).. sometimes i want to abandon them because i am honestly exhausted. I dont think its my responsibility to pay for their utilities especially there tuition fees when they have there own father (my step dad). My mother obliged me though and says its my duty. My full blooded siblings are here and send them money as well. I tried to set limits but they bombard my fb messenger.

How do i deal with them? i get so stressed about this. For me to be able to send money to them i have to work extra hours or sacrifice some personal expenses which i think i deserve since i worked hard..

I wish our relatives in the Philippines realize that we dont just pick up dollars in our back yard,we worked hard for it. I have to hold my pee, skip meals, sleep less hours, and get yelled and cursed by clients to be able to work. For them to demand money and get mad if you say no is disappointing.

Sometimes i want to be selfish and just forget about them but is it the right thing to do

[avital 34]

if you dont stand up for yourself the situation will never change. flat out tell them youre done and wont be sending them anymore money, you are an adult and you have your own life and it is not your responsibility to take care of others.

if they are unable to take care of themselves because they are dependent on you it is their problem only and not yours.

i know family is important, but they need to understand that you have your own life.

you can care about them and love them but if it harms you then its not right.

standing up for yourself does not make you selfish.

Edited November 18, 2015 by avital

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

Honestly my wife set the rule down to her family and had to tell them that we are not rich here at all, and that I am the only one working here. So we send only about $200 a month to the Philippines, it used to be $300-400 a month before we both went back for vacation this year. My wife got mad because she could not see where our money went at all, and I had to pay out of pocket for many expenses for some stuff that should have been done before we got there.

We do help out occasionally with other things like helping pay for our favorite niece's graduation party, nephews schooling. We do this out of love knowing that it would be a good investment so to speak. Also last month for All Souls Day we had to send $500 to help repair her tatay's and ate's crypt that was damaged due to Typhoon Pablo.

You need to lay down the law and set boundaries. That is the key thing that needs to get done.

Edited November 18, 2015 by cyberfx1024

[J&T_C@82 8]

You're gonna end up broke if you continue. It's good to help but you definitely have tone budget how much you help . Limit your self to once a month .They can bombard your fb but they aren't here ,you are. Explain to them especially your mom that's how it will be .she might not like it but in due time she will have to accept it .

I was in this same situation where I was left flat out broke and I decided that was it because if I can't pay my bills I'm out on the streets .

Hope this helps and good luck

[nab-400 16]

I think depending on culture, and what i think is reasonable is to send money to your mother if you think she needed most, i personal used to send money for my mother, my brother or sister i really did not care, because they are able to work, and they needed to work hard to earn money, in USA nothing is cheap life is expensive, yes we will have a lot of things, and easy to accomplish, remember you moved here to make a better like not to make better life for others and you are the one that end up working long hours. But again your mother/ father are the only people in my opinion that needs money most, they took care of you until you become a man. so everyone else they don't matter and they needs to get a job.

one advise is learn how to say NO, because when you say that , they will learn that you are not their bank, i knew many people that they send money to their families, their families lives like kings and his renting a studio and does NOT have even a TV, and work long hour, THIS IS YOUR LIFE, LIVE IT DON'T LET OTHERS LIVE IT,

Edited November 18, 2015 by nab-400

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

if you dont stand up for yourself the situation will never change. flat out tell them youre done and wont be sending them anymore money, you are an adult and you have your own life and it is not your responsibility to take care of others.

if they are unable to take care of themselves because they are dependent on you it is their problem only and not yours.

i know family is important, but they need to understand that you have your own life.

That's all well and good but in Filipino culture you do need to send a remittance home. It's the cultural thing to do.

[avital 34]

That's all well and good but in Filipino culture you do need to send a remittance home. It's the cultural thing to do.

then like the other comments said, s/he needs to set boundries.

[nab-400 16]

We have almost the same culture, but guess what we changed the country to look for new horizons, let them deal with culture if they don't like it, that mean they like us only because we produce money to them, if we don't we will bad people, how fair is that. another easy way, is to petition your parent, they come and you no longer send money. thats what i did

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

then like the other comments said, s/he needs to set boundries.

Totally agree.

[Glamor 0]

I agree with the others...you need to set boundaries ... it will not be easy for sure because you will hearing words from them and they will make you feel guilty but BE FIRM! You can still 'help' where u r comfortable but not an 'obligation'.

Parents are the one who is the one responsible in providing for their children need and not you.

[avital 34]

another thing i wanted to say, i dont know how important your culture is to you, but you dont have to live by others rules.

if you are unhappy and you dont like it, then you have every right to not follow the cultural thing, you are a free person, and just because you were raised in a certain culture doesnt mean you have to live your whole life under its rules.

im coming from a different culture and your situation seems completely unfair to me.

I know that it is family and the situation might be more complicated than I can understand, but you have other options.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Change your phone number, close down your Facebook.

Disappear for a while, recharge yourself.

When you are ready, contact them and set boundaries on YOUR terms.

Love yourself first, so you know what you deserve

[heo luoi 206]

Just stop sending so they can be ready to have a real dialog. My parents said they havent been able to give a lot over the years at all but I do know plenty of people that seem to send everything over here there which seems like a miserable experience. Again not seeing the money going ot things of lasting value is annoying. Fixing the house...etc.

I sent money to redo graves for grandparents I never met....big things. You're not a bank. It makes traveling home very wearisome.

I know my parents and other relatives that later immigrated here each cofostered a nephew/niece to help w/ their university schooling when the time came. Every 2 weeks is pretty crazy. Its relative a dollar typically goes a lot farther abroad but if you could save and invest it here it would be worth even more if you stretched it out too.

Ive been concerned with this myself as the ramp up I've sent a lot of money often before fiance comes over. ...but I can't keep up that pace especially when she comes here and my expenses and flow change ...etc.

I have gotten to know my extended family abroad but they haven't asked for anything and my mom says that too. Younger generation sometimes gets lazy/greedy, people ask for phones and stuff if you visit. One uncle only asked for big stuff like the grave retrofit. A previous gf's parents tragically died young and as sad as that was I was somewhat relieved to think if we had gotten further in our relationship I wouldn't have to raise another family abroad. :/

I understand I'll likely be obligated to send remittance home to my inlaws which I'm fine about but I can't do every brother/sister/cousin/aunt/uncle....i have my own folks here....that could use more help than I do.

Edited November 18, 2015 by heo luoi

[Phil&Mich 36]

I'm the Filipino wifey here and I used to work in Canada, before my husband formally proposed, we talked about finances, cultural differences, traditions, beliefs etc. etc., I was not earning as much as my husband do but I have my own money, I usually send big amount of money for my mother, brothers and sisters, sending my niece to university and extending help to extended relatives, but when my husband finally proposed I made a long talk to my mother, explained my future situation when I'll finally get married, I told them I'm not going to work, and my husband will only give me certain amount of allowance. I'm lucky because they do understand and they even told me to START YOUR OWN FAMILY AND DONT WORRY ABOUT US HERE, but still I give them $150 a month out of my allowance which is ok with my husband??I think all you need to do is explain, tell them your situation and explain that you already have your own family to take care of.

Good luck!

[_Paul&Jesica_ 70]

That's all well and good but in Filipino culture you do need to send a remittance home. It's the cultural thing to do.

Just because it is cultural, doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do.

We send back money monthly, but we placed a hard limit on how much we will send in a month, including for "emergencies". If they run out of money they have to wait for the next month. If they have an emergency and need extra money now, then they don't get money the next month. And we are very strict about it, laying on the guilt doesn't make money magically appear. We remind them that they are fortunate to be receiving remittance from us and they should be appreciative. So they are now learning to save a little bit of the money they get to put away for an emergency fund.

It is amazing how people can change their culture when it personally affects them.