USC *WIFE* physically hits/abuses me

[strandedlost 0]

I am in a situation that puts me in limbo. My USC spouse has hit me, (still does) abuses me, and i am scared.

I called immigration in regards to my case and asked them if i were to leave her due to abuse "how much" evidence do i have to have?, what types of evidence and "how many times" does it have to occur before they consider it abuse.

The immigration officer told me "i can not tell you that, there is no certain amout, it could be once, or 100 times". But that i had to have "strong evidence" such as a police report. I then asked him "how many? 1? and will 1 be sufficient? 2 or 3?", which in reply he said "i can't tell you that either, but your USC spouse will not help you out in your situation either"

I do have photos that i personally took of an incident that occured where she hit me and my chest was all scratched up and bleeding all because i could not help her carry something (as i already had my hands full carrying something else)

Another unfortunate case, she has stated that she will "not give me a divorce" either due to her knowledge of me as a conditional resident and to see my life made as she states, " a living hell" . So my question is.....HOW could i file a waiver if she would not be willing to even sign a divorce?...i would be stuck, no divorce decree to file an abused waiver, and i would get put into deportation proceedings.(which i want to avoid) My USC spouse knows that i am a conditional resident, and has stated that she would never be willing to co-operate and do the opposite.

In the beginning, she was very nice to me, but within a few months, she changed.Since immigrating here, she has constantly hit me, gets in my face, and "threatens" me about deportation all the time if i dont do whatever it is that she wants. It is like she is witholding me to see the worst for me

What makes matters worse, is that she has some family who are lawyers in high places and tells me that she will "make sure" that my life will be made hell, that her family members (who are lawyers there are 2 that are) will assure that i will be deported and banned from ever entering the U.S. again even if i am a permanent resident/citizen. Her 2 family members that are lawyers have also threatened me with that aswell. One is a lawyer in the senate. (what is a lawyer in the senate?and are they that powerful?)

I dont know what to do, i have absolutely nothing back in my home country,no family at all, no job,no home. I have established a life here in the U.S. i have a job, i am taking college classes. I am a conditional resident and have to file to lift the conditions soon.

What do i do??????....hang on until the conditions are lifted, THEN divorce her? and hope for the best? i have what i believe is sufficient evidence, that could see me through filing jointly because i know she will not give me a divorce and do everything she can to see me deported by calling immigration.

If i was to ever make it through this nightmate, and eventualy apply for citizenship, would all her false accusations against me come up at the interview?

It is not fair, and i don't feel that it is right to bring someone here to the U.S. and then if they do not do everything you want them to do as a slave to them, they can hit you, abuse you, threaten to call immigration on you, then throw you away in the trash after they've done. Help me please.

[JenT 0]

Stories like this always sadden me. I don't know how one goes from loving someone enough to want to be married, and all that goes with those feelings, to being so hate-filled and abusive.

You need to find an attorney, who can help guide you.... if nothing else, but for your own protection. Contact your local office for Catholic Family Charities.... you don't need to be Catholic to receive assistance.

Jen

[strandedlost 0]

But how??? how can i have protection???.....the second i announce "im leaving because of this abuse and im not putting up with it anymore", she will turn around, call her family that are lawyers, call immigration, WONT give me a divorce (just to make my life hard)kick me out onto the street and then i'll really have problems

How do people get like this? i dont know how. I do admit however, when we have had arguements, she calls me names, and of course i call her back names defending myself, the only difference is that when i stand up to her in defending myself and not allowing her to treat me like she does, she just hits me in the face, pushes me then starts her threats.

This is my dilemma,

[GrenadianCrix 1]

But how??? how can i have protection???.....the second i announce "im leaving because of this abuse and im not putting up with it anymore", she will turn around, call her family that are lawyers, call immigration, WONT give me a divorce (just to make my life hard)kick me out onto the street and then i'll really have problems

How do people get like this? i dont know how. I do admit however, when we have had arguements, she calls me names, and of course i call her back names defending myself, the only difference is that when i stand up to her in defending myself and not allowing her to treat me like she does, she just hits me in the face, pushes me then starts her threats.

This is my dilemma,

Follow the advice to seek legal counsel. Individuals who are abusers tend to wrap their victims up in stories that will cause fear and panic in the victim. Domestic violence is so much more complex and involved than random violence between strangers. You have a mutual relationship, and some kind of life together. There is never a need to 'stick it out' in an abusive relationship. I understand you are very concerned about your ability to stay in the states, and it is something you need to look into. By going to Catholic Charities or any free legal counsel that provides immigration help you can look into your options in a CONFIDENTIAL way. The US is a big place. No one is going to be getting your counsel to give up any of your information to them, especially if you don't tell your wife that you are seeking counsel.

An abuser doesn't just hit, they also create emotional wounds that keep you from helping yourself. You will need to file a police report to record the abuse. Even if there aren't big bleeding wounds, if there is violence, you should call the police. Remember that she will try to fight your alligations, so don't do anything that will give her any more ammunition. Don't hit her back...unless you are in fear for your life. Just get out of the situation as fast as possible and call the police. Try not to get into the verbal arguments where she can say you have 'verbally abused' her. You will need to build a case and it is much harder for a man to do that than a woman in cases of domestic violence. But don't give up hope.

I do not know the immigration laws pertaining to you staying even though you are conditional. I would ask this at Catholic Charities or another lawyer. Don't believe what your wife is telling you. If she does know the laws, she will not tell you which ones are there to protect you. She will just try to manipulate them against you. but do ask a lawyer and do call the police during any violent outbreaks.

My fiance was in a similar situation in the past and at one point he video taped her outburst. He was arrested for her allegation that he abused her, when the judge was presented the recording, he released My fiance and dropped all charges. I don't know if this will work in your situation, or if it could make matters worse, but it may be an option.

Good Luck to you, This will not be an easy road, but keep your faith that things will work out.

Sue

[JenT 0]

But how??? how can i have protection???.....the second i announce "im leaving because of this abuse and im not putting up with it anymore", she will turn around, call her family that are lawyers, call immigration, WONT give me a divorce (just to make my life hard)kick me out onto the street and then i'll really have problems

How do people get like this? i dont know how. I do admit however, when we have had arguements, she calls me names, and of course i call her back names defending myself, the only difference is that when i stand up to her in defending myself and not allowing her to treat me like she does, she just hits me in the face, pushes me then starts her threats.

This is my dilemma,

You are a conditional permanent resident... you are not out of status. No can can begin removal proceedings. She's bluffing in that regard. Make some plans behind her back if you need to.... there are shelters that can take you in.... you need to do some research. Catholic Family Services can help... there's nothing more we can do for you here, other than provide support. If you want things to change, YOU'RE going to have to make it happen.

[Lovetoteach 53]

But how??? how can i have protection???.....the second i announce "im leaving because of this abuse and im not putting up with it anymore", she will turn around, call her family that are lawyers, call immigration, WONT give me a divorce (just to make my life hard)kick me out onto the street and then i'll really have problems

How do people get like this? i dont know how. I do admit however, when we have had arguements, she calls me names, and of course i call her back names defending myself, the only difference is that when i stand up to her in defending myself and not allowing her to treat me like she does, she just hits me in the face, pushes me then starts her threats.

This is my dilemma,

You are a conditional permanent resident... you are not out of status. No can can begin removal proceedings. She's bluffing in that regard. Make some plans behind her back if you need to.... there are shelters that can take you in.... you need to do some research. Catholic Family Services can help... there's nothing more we can do for you here, other than provide support. If you want things to change, YOU'RE going to have to make it happen.

I agree, you need to find an attorney or contact The Catholic Family Services. There is a website called assitonline (not sure of the exact spelling) which supports people in this situation and can maybe point you in the right direction. Try downloading the VAWA manual 2002. It's a lot 316 pages but gives great insight into the VAWA process including those with Conditional Permanent residency and what to do in abusive situations. I think there is a whole chapter on it stating what kind of evidence you will need. Try and get to see a councellor too, get things recorded, get affadvits from people who know you. I had to get a police protection order( which anyone can apply for regardless of status), I have hospital records when I broke down and couldn't take any more. I didn't have any police records because I was too scared to contact the police due to my ex's threats, constant threat of deportation (which I find myself in ). I did , however go to the police 2 weeks after my MIL hit me and my ex-husband watched ,but the police said it was too late to do anything.

If you need any other information PM me. If I can help I will . You don't need to live in this hell anymore and you don't need to be intimidated. No-one deserves it

You are at least luckier than I am in so far as I never even got to the conditional stage. This will make it far easier for you. Just remember you are not alone.

Shona

[Boiler 43,600]

I wonder what the other side to the story is.

You are able to work, you either leave or stay.

If you want to divorce then consult with a Divorce Lawyer, she can not prevent it happening, maybe delay it but that's it.

Edited March 5, 2007 by Boiler

[archie07 0]

But how??? how can i have protection???.....the second i announce "im leaving because of this abuse and im not putting up with it anymore", she will turn around, call her family that are lawyers, call immigration, WONT give me a divorce (just to make my life hard)kick me out onto the street and then i'll really have problems

How do people get like this? i dont know how. I do admit however, when we have had arguements, she calls me names, and of course i call her back names defending myself, the only difference is that when i stand up to her in defending myself and not allowing her to treat me like she does, she just hits me in the face, pushes me then starts her threats.

This is my dilemma,

Follow the advice to seek legal counsel. Individuals who are abusers tend to wrap their victims up in stories that will cause fear and panic in the victim. Domestic violence is so much more complex and involved than random violence between strangers. You have a mutual relationship, and some kind of life together. There is never a need to 'stick it out' in an abusive relationship. I understand you are very concerned about your ability to stay in the states, and it is something you need to look into. By going to Catholic Charities or any free legal counsel that provides immigration help you can look into your options in a CONFIDENTIAL way. The US is a big place. No one is going to be getting your counsel to give up any of your information to them, especially if you don't tell your wife that you are seeking counsel.

An abuser doesn't just hit, they also create emotional wounds that keep you from helping yourself. You will need to file a police report to record the abuse. Even if there aren't big bleeding wounds, if there is violence, you should call the police. Remember that she will try to fight your alligations, so don't do anything that will give her any more ammunition. Don't hit her back...unless you are in fear for your life. Just get out of the situation as fast as possible and call the police. Try not to get into the verbal arguments where she can say you have 'verbally abused' her. You will need to build a case and it is much harder for a man to do that than a woman in cases of domestic violence. But don't give up hope.

I do not know the immigration laws pertaining to you staying even though you are conditional. I would ask this at Catholic Charities or another lawyer. Don't believe what your wife is telling you. If she does know the laws, she will not tell you which ones are there to protect you. She will just try to manipulate them against you. but do ask a lawyer and do call the police during any violent outbreaks.

My fiance was in a similar situation in the past and at one point he video taped her outburst. He was arrested for her allegation that he abused her, when the judge was presented the recording, he released My fiance and dropped all charges. I don't know if this will work in your situation, or if it could make matters worse, but it may be an option.

Good Luck to you, This will not be an easy road, but keep your faith that things will work out.

Sue

That was very good advice, I'd also like to add a voice activated recorder works well too, just cover the red light with a piece of tape and put it where she can't see it. Save all the recordings and do not argue back. If she hits you, say why did you hit me. You will be the one that needs evidence. If it is possible try to wait it out, you don't want to end up in an abuse shelter either.

[strandedlost 0]

I wonder what the other side to the story is.

You are able to work, you either leave or stay.

If you want to divorce then consult with a Divorce Lawyer, she can not prevent it happening, maybe delay it but that's it.

Boiler...if you HAVENT read,...the other side of the story is there, as stated in my second posting to this thread. we argue yes like any other couple, however the difference with her is that she turns very violent, very quick and just hits me.

[strandedlost 0]

But how??? how can i have protection???.....the second i announce "im leaving because of this abuse and im not putting up with it anymore", she will turn around, call her family that are lawyers, call immigration, WONT give me a divorce (just to make my life hard)kick me out onto the street and then i'll really have problems

How do people get like this? i dont know how. I do admit however, when we have had arguements, she calls me names, and of course i call her back names defending myself, the only difference is that when i stand up to her in defending myself and not allowing her to treat me like she does, she just hits me in the face, pushes me then starts her threats.

This is my dilemma,

You are a conditional permanent resident... you are not out of status. No can can begin removal proceedings. She's bluffing in that regard. Make some plans behind her back if you need to.... there are shelters that can take you in.... you need to do some research. Catholic Family Services can help... there's nothing more we can do for you here, other than provide support. If you want things to change, YOU'RE going to have to make it happen.

I agree, you need to find an attorney or contact The Catholic Family Services. There is a website called assitonline (not sure of the exact spelling) which supports people in this situation and can maybe point you in the right direction. Try downloading the VAWA manual 2002. It's a lot 316 pages but gives great insight into the VAWA process including those with Conditional Permanent residency and what to do in abusive situations. I think there is a whole chapter on it stating what kind of evidence you will need. Try and get to see a councellor too, get things recorded, get affadvits from people who know you. I had to get a police protection order( which anyone can apply for regardless of status), I have hospital records when I broke down and couldn't take any more. I didn't have any police records because I was too scared to contact the police due to my ex's threats, constant threat of deportation (which I find myself in ). I did , however go to the police 2 weeks after my MIL hit me and my ex-husband watched ,but the police said it was too late to do anything.

If you need any other information PM me. If I can help I will . You don't need to live in this hell anymore and you don't need to be intimidated. No-one deserves it

You are at least luckier than I am in so far as I never even got to the conditional stage. This will make it far easier for you. Just remember you are not alone.

Shona

And thats exactly where i DONT want to find myself in pleading before a judge as to why i shouldn't be deported fighting a prima facie case (as yet i have not READ/HEARD or KNOWN of a successful prima facie case) when she's the abuser, im going to guess the situation your in right now and you've probably been put into deportation proceedings and have had to appear before an immigration judge and try to prove WHY you SHOULDN'T be deported (even when it was his fault, and by what i see, you have what looks like ALOT of strong evidnece, and look where your at still no approval, i would think that you would be approved)

I havent got not even got a drop of evidence that you have, i guess i could go to a psychiatrist and tell what happened, get that doctor to document everything.

Im close however to removing conditions, so maybe i could wait it out???....it could save me ALOT of trouble going through court and having her family do that to me.....i dont know....im that scared i can't even sleep.

[strandedlost 0]

i asked about recording someone in this type of situation, and the police said that its a crime to do that because the other party doesnt know that they are being recorded that they would be recorded without their permission, even if they are in the wrong.

Shona, i will also download those forms, thank you.

[strandedlost 0]

plus boiler, you say "only can delay"...yes it will delay and put me into what i dont want to go into, deportation proceedings. and i know she wont sign a divorce and drag out the process.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

plus boiler, you say "only can delay"...yes it will delay and put me into what i dont want to go into, deportation proceedings. and i know she wont sign a divorce and drag out the process.

What state do you reside in?

If the deadline to file the I-751 is close, my recommendation would be to jointly file the I-751, and await receipt of the NOA extending your status for one more year. Make sure you keep a copy of the filing for yourself, along with clean copies of any and all evidence provided to assert the bona fide nature of your marriage (you'll need this evidence later) and if possible, keep it somewhere other than at home. Make sure you submit the joint petition by return receipt (via USPS) so you have a record of it, and that you personally check the mail once the check has been cashed by USCIS, to get the NOA that will be issued. This is to ensure that it is not diverted by your spouse. Then once you have that, make surreptitious plans to move out and then petition for divorce, immediately.

Once the divorce is final, and without knowing your state I can't estimate how long that might take, you would then request the jointly filed I-751 be withdrawn and replace it with a self-petition (waiver) to which you would attach the same evidence (that which you made copies of before). You could use any and all grounds applicable for the waiver. Bona fide marriage that terminated in divorce, and battered spouse. Incidentally, this sort of emotional control does fall under the abuse category, and having to go through such contortions to make sure a filing is made, would qualify in my opinion. You'd be wise to try to document all of your concerns and the threats she has made with respect to what she will do to your immigration status of you do not cooperate with a social worker, confidentially, so that you can all upon them at waiver time to corroborate what you will declare in the wiaver.

In the meantime, the jointly-filed I-751 would be in place, your status preserved, and you would have satisfied any filing deadlines. If she delays the divorce, it would not be as precarious, since you would have already received the NOA extending your green card and benefits for a period of 12 months.

Edited March 6, 2007 by diadromous mermaid

[strandedlost 0]

Hi thank you Diadromous Mermaid.

I prefer not to reveal the state im in due to that there are not many people here from that particular state. I did some research myself on divorce within the state that i live in and that it can take at least 1 year IF all the documents are in order, PLUS EVERYONE is co-operative with the divorce.

In turn, i called a lawyer and asked about what was meant by "co-operative with everyone", the lawyer said that someone had to begin the petition for the divorce (that would be me) but both parties would have to show up to court in order to start the proceedings with the pre-hearing (which is something she WONT do) and from there, explain the case and come back later on for the actual hearing (which i know she WONT do either).

The lawyer that i spoke to said that when the spouse decides not to co-operate and show up at court, is when they adjourn it until both parties appear to state their cases as the judge needs to know both sides of the case. AND THIS is where he said it drags out.

He explained to me about the 1 year extension, and that if it expires, i can go and get another 1 year extension until the divorce is finalized, (but if that be the case, im going to be going back every year for the next 10 years at my rate!!!!).

What was also mentioned was preciseley that i was afraid of that it can lapse and because there has been no decision on the divorce shown, it can slip and i find myself in deportation proceedings. (Something the lawyer told me to watch very closely as that happens)

So in the waiver.....what box would i check??? the one that states that i entered into the marriage in bona fide OR do i check the box where it ses that im divorcing her based on the grounds of abuse???

Which one will give me the least problems???....

Will this ever end???

[strandedlost 0]

evidence i have is of the following is it strong or weak???

-Lease agreement with both names on it

-Video membership

-Sams Club

-Trip we took together (can get photocopy of her/mine passport stamps from that particular country)

-Cards adressed to us

........the best i can do