Discovered US husband is Gay

[Labyrinth 5]

1. Find a job to finance the divorce and move on, find child care for when you are at work. Millions of single moms do this and you can too.

Stop being dependent on him.

OR

stay in that mess. It is your choice and there aren't many options.

Thank you Ebonuluwa. That's exactly what i wanted to get a job so i wont depend on him and move on. For now i only have my celfone to look for work. Im not familiar with the place and cant drive. He hid the laptop and wifi from me.

[Labyrinth 5]

Seconded.

As difficult and upsetting as this situation obviously is, it's a relationship issue, not an immigration issue. Your LPR status is safe, and you'll be able to naturalize as a US citizen; the only effect that separation or divorce would have on your immigration status at this point is that you wouldn't be able to apply for naturalization after three years but would have to wait for five. So, while this is obviously a very stressful time for your whole family, your ability to remain in the US legally with your son is one huge thing that you don't need to worry about.

You and your husband need to have a long, calm, honest conversation about this. Notice I said conversation, not confrontation. I realize that you're very hurt and angry right now and that's completely understandable, but can you step back from that for a moment and try to imagine how your husband is feeling too? If he is gay but has managed to hide it from everyone until now, it's something he's been struggling with all his life. He might have tried to hide it even from himself, telling himself that if he pretended to be straight for long enough, it would eventually, magically be true. He probably feels just as much guilt for simply being attracted to other men as he does for deceiving you. Imagine how it would feel to hate yourself for something as intrinsic and fundamental as who you're attracted to. I know that none of that excuses his behavior, but it might be easier for the two of you to have a productive discussion about the future of your relationship if you can recognize that he's in pain too. This isn't some dirtbag guy casually picking up cute 22-year-old women on Tinder while he's got a wife and toddler at home, it's a deeply conflicted and unhappy man.

Talk to him. You've been married for 9 years, there must be affection and friendship between you even if he's realized that he's not sexually or romantically attracted to women. Hold on to that, and let it help the two of you to work towards an agreement on the future of your relationship and what is best for both of you and for your son.

Be kind to each other.

Thank you Elf. I did try to talk to him several times in a calm manner. I told him we need to settle things since we also have a son. But he refused and whenever i brought the subject he closes his eyes and pretends to sleep. Im trying to find work only with my celfone since he hid it from me that this house have a laptop and a wifi. I only discovered it lately and he flatly denies everything i said.

[Labyrinth 5]

Hi,

You have a 10 years green card, so you no longer need to prove a bona fide marriage to USCIS. You can work and do whatever you want. You can move. You can divorce. No effect on your 10 years green card. You can get US citizenship in 5 years. Your immigration status is not a problem.

Decide what you want to do with your relationship. It will have zero affect on your immigration status.

Best of luck

Thank you Aaron for your reply. Sorry that i was asking about citizenship since i thought its the easiest way i can get away. I thought the green card will not give me si much choice. A lot of things on my mind. But i wanted to get a job so i can slowly stand on my own. But i only have my celfone right now to look fir work. He hid the laptop and wifi and didnt even tell me we have it. I just discovered those in the house recently. I tried talking calmly to him to settle things coz we have a son. But he flatly denies it and closes his eyes pretends to sleep so we cant talk.

[Labyrinth 5]

I would go back to Philippines, Much much cheaper to live there and a overall better quality of life......

Thanks Vol for your reply. I had a very difficult life in the Philippines. Its cheaaper but salary is not commensurate to the way of living. We lived in a third world country a developing country not so much options for a better life.

[Labyrinth 5]

There are gay people, and straight people, but no one thus far in the comments has mentioned that some people are bi-sexual...they're attracted to both sexes. You may not be a "cover up" wife. This is a very complicated mess for sure, but don't assume he's used you. He may genuinely love you and feel attracted to you, but at the same time have this addiction of infidelity. As others are suggesting, have a long conversation and try to keep it calm. Ask him how he feels about you, what he wants, and take the conversation onward from there.

Thank you Lowlie. I did tell him being gay is not the problem and nobody can blame him for being gay. What is painful for me is the deception and the betrayal. I cant live a life full of lies. I did try to talk to him several times calmly asked him if what his plans for us since we cant be like this forever for our son too. But he refuses closes his eyes all the time pretending to sleep. And denies everything.

[Labyrinth 5]

I dated a girl from the Philippines here in the US once with almost your exact same story. She found gay porn in the history of her husbands computer. She got divorced immediately, worked in manufacturing for awhile while going to school to get nursing or CNA degree and got married again a couple years ago. It's not the end of the world, I'm sure if he is that closeted he will help you out in any way. Good luck.

Hi Madtownguy. Thank you for your reply. I am indeed a registered nurse in the Philippines. I am trying to look for work right now to help me stand on my own here but i only have my celohone as access to the outside worl since he hid the laptop and wifi and event ikd me we didnt have those. I recently just discovered where he hids it.

I dated a girl from the Philippines here in the US once with almost your exact same story. She found gay porn in the history of her husbands computer. She got divorced immediately, worked in manufacturing for awhile while going to school to get nursing or CNA degree and got married again a couple years ago. It's not the end of the world, I'm sure if he is that closeted he will help you out in any way. Good luck.

Hi Madtownguy. Thank you for your reply. I am indeed a registered nurse in the Philippines. I am trying to look for work right now to help me stand on my own here but i only have my celohone as access to the outside worl since he hid the laptop and wifi and event ikd me we didnt have those. I recently just discovered where he hids it.

[Labyrinth 5]

In Texas divorce, filing a divorce petition is free if you submit a pauper's oath. Do you have something similar in your state?

Hi Darnell. Thank you. Im trying to research on my phone. Its my only access right now. He hids the laptop and wifi and even said we dont have those. But i recently discovered where he hides thise from me.

[Unidentified 2,930]

I don't think he is closing his eyes to pretend he's asleep. I think he's shutting the world out because he feels attacked. My husband does that too if he feels I get too confrontational.

[Labyrinth 5]

One thing to keep in mind is that 10 years is the amount of time necessary to be married to be able to collect on his social security retirement even if you subsequently divorce (and not remarry) Also, the amount of support he would owe you is also based upon length of marriage. I am not telling you what to do but you likely will not want to proceed with a divorce filing until after your tenth anniversary. You need to do what is right for your child and yourself but something to consider.

Good Luck

Thank you so much LBeachey for this valuable information. Of course i want what's right for my son.

[Labyrinth 5]

I don't think he is closing his eyes to pretend he's asleep. I think he's shutting the world out because he feels attacked. My husband does that too if he feels I get too confrontational.

Hi Maria and Steve. I did asked him kindly i even held his hand. Asked him if we can talk for us and the sake of our son. He just closes his eyes and not speak a word after denying everything.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Hi Maria and Steve. I did asked him kindly i even held his hand. Asked him if we can talk for us and the sake of our son. He just closes his eyes and not speak a word after denying everything.

Yeah it doesn't matter if you so talks with the sweetest voice ever, he feels pushed into a corner and he will close his eyes and hide from the world. Give him space and let him come to you. Focus on you and your son for now, get a job and decide where to go from here.

[Labyrinth 5]

1. It hurts to be lied to, and I understand your anger and frustration. Take into consideration he has given you 9 years of friendship, love, support and a beautiful child, that should account for something. Does that excuse him from lying, not by any means, however you do owe it to each other to discuss things civilly and amicably. In addition, just because he was browsing dating sites for men, doesn't mean he is gay, he could simply be exploring his sexuality, albeit, a bit late in life, or looking for a "thrill," in an otherwise routine lifestyle he has become accustomed to over the years. His denial of his actions when confronted is more than evident that he cares about your relationship and if you want options I suggest the following:

a.) Seek a marriage counselor and discuss his behavior. If it turns out that he is actually gay, you both have much to discuss. If discovered that he was just thrill seeking, there are many options you can explore to save your marriage and live happily.

b.) You can seek a divorce and receive alimony/child support depending on which state you both reside. But do try counseling first, as divorces can be expensive and not always amicable in the end.

c.) You can try to accept his lifestyle (if he is gay) and see other people. There are a lot of couples these days who have "open" marriages and live happy lives.

2. You have a 10 year green card. You do not need him to become a US Citizen (if that is your goal). He is obligated under his Affidavit of Support to support you until you are a US Citizen or obtain 40 quarters of work history.

Good Luck!

God bless you.

Thank you Mike-eeh and Odie. He sends them money through Western Union. I have all the receipts. This are all men from diffrent countries he met in a datesite for gaymen.

[Labyrinth 5]

Thank you Mike-eeh and Odie. He sends them money through Western Union. I have all the receipts. This are all men from diffrent countries he met in a datesite for gaymen.

And thank you for your time in replying and giving me options to consider. It means a lot. Thank you.

[Labyrinth 5]

I thought it was pretty straight forward and I was going to give you the info and then I double checked and could only see that someone other than the OP said they had been together for 9 year. OP didn't state how long they were together, only that the boy is 2.

Never mind, just saw the correct info: been together 9 years, son is 2 should be his.

.

Yes my son is his. Thanks

OP refers to my son not our son.

My husband is the father of my son. He is our son. Sorry for the mistake.

[Labyrinth 5]

what step cild? the child is 2 years old and they have been married for 9, it's his child

Thank you for the correction. My husband is the father of my son.