Ramblings of the dog days, the anguish and uncertainty. Mental and emotional torture

[Thomianguy 36]

I am generally a VERY upbeat guy, but I must admit, this process could be the death of me. I mean, I went through this years ago with my first marriage, but in that case, my (then) wife was here in the states and it was just a matter of going back to her home country, going through the interview, getting through and bringing her back with me so I barely even remember a concern. This time around, my wife is overseas (almost 3,000 miles away) and being that is a far more passionate and complete (mature) relationship, the separation during this time is unbearable because the yearning is so deep so the anguish is commiserate .

I realize that the USCIS did not tell me or any of the other long distance lovers on here to go find love in distant locations. It's not their fault and the U.S has put its measures in place to interview applicants. I get it, but what is killing us is the uncertainty as you wait. For us, we are somewhere in the ballpark of the process window and we are watching that window widen into a next month so the hope you once had, now turns to uncertainty. we heard, from the horse's mouth, "FIVE MONTHS" and you watch 5 months slip into 6. You are not sure if it will be another few days, weeks or months and that is just getting the NOA2 so you can get to the REAL nuts and bolts of the process. Then, from the stories I've seen, you can do everything right and still be dismissed on some technicality or one person might go from NOA1 to NOA2 in 5 months and another in 10 months without there being any issue with their application.

Not all of us have the money to make frequent trips and you are caught between whether you should go for a visit (that requires a whole day to travel) only to have to turn back around in a mere few months to attend the interview, not to mention the fees in between. Thousand of dollars when all is said and done.

So I ask, for those in this position or who have been in this position, how do/did you cope? How do you temper the frustration that can creep in and make even the smallest thing bother you? It's like i have given up and just left the outcome to the Fates and just suppress expectations.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Thomianguy

[LionessDeon 2,060]

I completely feel your pain....

[CallMeShams 34]

I don't think I could envision how challenging this process would be. Prior to the process we plotted out a timeline on paper and even with use ahead of our projection we are struggling.

When there is a favorable development there is happiness, when there are delays there is much sadness.

We are struggling with it.

We have worked hard to keep the communication going. When work is busy that helps, and also much efforts in satisfying my spiritual needs, along with much prayer has helped me to keep somewhat of some sanity.

This is has been the most challenging thing I have faced in my life.

[Thomianguy 36]

I don't think I could envision how challenging this process would be. Prior to the process we plotted out a timeline on paper and even with use ahead of our projection we are struggling.

When there is a favorable development there is happiness, when there are delays there is much sadness.

We are struggling with it.

We have worked hard to keep the communication going. When work is busy that helps, and also much efforts in satisfying my spiritual needs, along with much prayer has helped me to keep somewhat of some sanity.

This is has been the most challenging thing I have faced in my life.

Well, I see both of you are filing for someone in Jamaica where my first wife was from. Like I said, that was a cakewalk because she was here. This time around, my wife is 3,000 miles away in Guyana and it's like we are trapped. It got so bad the past few days, with a mixture of frustration, grief, emotional pain, bickering over petty stuff, crying and sleepless nights because we don't know what to do. So, in a crazy moment, a decision was made a few hours ago for me to go back to Guyana in a few weeks. You see, if we had gotten the NOA2 last week or the week before, as was expected, then, we know the AOS and other things would have to be taken care of and some hope would ease the frustration, but now, since the window has widened and we are hearing they are just at April (Nebraska) and our NOA1 was in May, this could mean another month or more of waiting. So, it was down to "should I go now or wait?" Waiting is causing us to lose our minds.

Shams, unlike you, however, my wife's job and my job allows us to talk ALL day and any time of the day if we want and we do. Thanks to video technology, we talk through Skype or Tango and fall asleep with the video on so seeing and talking to each other is NOT a problem. It is the intimacy and now her great grandmother passed away two days ago and with the gov't change over back in May, she, a government worker, has only been paid TWICE since May with no new pay date in sight adding to the frustration as bills are piling up.

Again, what we feel is not the concern of USCIS or their employees. They just show up to do a job, collect a check and go home to their families, but if there is one complaint, it would be, this process could be better streamlined and faster if they wanted it to be. I realize MILLIONS of people are applying, worldwide, weekly, but the process is a billion dollar money maker for the U.S government which should give them the incentive to speed it up and keep the NON REFUNDABLE money rolling in.

Now to go rob Peter to pay Paul for my plane ticket to Guyana. *sigh*

[shsl73 29]

I too am in the same boat and we too plotted out a timeline which has been abruptly halted because of an RFE received. I made a decision today, as well and bit the bullet and purchased a plan ticket (which really was not in the plan). Maybe some here are more financially able to handle frequent trips but for me it's very difficult especially when you know the fees that come along with this process.

What I can say is this, although very cliche, anything worth having is worth fighting for! Although it seems very unfair that the vailidity of your relationship is decided by pieces of paper and a "judgement" call of another human being, you must continue to feed the positive and starve the negative; if not, it will literally ripe your relationship apart. At the end of the day, the two must be a United front...not easy, I know. Find comfort in knowing that there are other's in the same situation and call on them for support. You have to try not watch the clock or calendar as it will drive you insane (which is hard).

There is no one thing that can be said to bring comfort to the situation but know that you aren't alone and no matter the obstacle, fed your spirit and cling to your wife!

[shsl73 29]

If I may add...during times of frustration and anguish...don't take it personal, realise that it's rooted by some other reason. Simple..I love you, I miss you, I need you and I'm not going anywhere will help in soothing some of the tears and frustration. I know this is known and I'm probably overstating the obvious...we (women) are emotional beings so fed that emotional need (even from afar) to your wife and you will be greatly rewarded! Just my opinion...

[Thomianguy 36]

If I may add...during times of frustration and anguish...don't take it personal, realise that it's rooted by some other reason. Simple..I love you, I miss you, I need you and I'm not going anywhere will help in soothing some of the tears and frustration. I know this is known and I'm probably overstating the obvious...we (women) are emotional beings so fed that emotional need (even from afar) to your wife and you will be greatly rewarded! Just my opinion...

Sis, don't I ever know this. My wife was literally losing he rmind today. The only thing that snapped her out of it was me emphatically stating I am coming "home" to her. Yes, when she was at the height of her frustration I have to give her an illustration of two family members that wanted tp beat each other up this past summer. They NEVER fight, but they went to Florida, was locked up all day in a house with NO air conditioning and bored out of their minds. I had to tell them that that they had to realize that the problem was NOT with them, but rather, the situation they were in.

My wife is a VERY passionate woman and she loves hard (which I love). Guess it is a good thing that she is so sold out on me and me on her, considering the distance. She IS worth the wait, but wish we could get an express path straight to the interview. lol

[shsl73 29]

Be ye of equal yolk..amen. So, keep loving each other passionately and know this is a test and too shall pass! I, personally, have to remind myself...mind over matter. Hold on and be strong my brother, your time shall soon come. And always know that you are surrounded by an extended family here that will be of encouragement and strength when you feel like you're losing yours.

[Thomianguy 36]

Be ye of equal yolk..amen. So, keep loving each other passionately and know this is a test and too shall pass! I, personally, have to remind myself...mind over matter. Hold on and be strong my brother, your time shall soon come. And always know that you are surrounded by an extended family here that will be of encouragement and strength when you feel like you're losing yours.

Thank you!

[Shauna&Wael 211]

you must keep this in your mind..... if it was meant to be, so it shall be....

or at least that's what i believe

[k_stacky 65]

I'm not in your same boat with immigration. My Fiance and I have been very fortunate so far that our process has been so quick, but I know very much the pain of long distance and the physical emptiness that no amount of letters, or messages, or phonecalls, or Skype conversations could possibly fill. I have gone over a year before without seeing my Fiance and I will never forget the pain and hopelessness that it causes. It's like missing a part of yourself really and the only way to ease the hurt is to hold onto the hope that someday you will be together again, and I know it's even harder to find that hope when that day is so uncertain, but try and make the best of your upcoming trip to see her again. Don't make it about money and bills, don't make it about immigration, don't even think about the fact that you'll have to leave again soon... just spend it being together and remembering why you're doing this. In the end (and there will be an end. no matter what there will be an end) you two will get to be together. And in the grand scheme of your lives together the time you have to wait now will some day seem like just a blink of an eye in comparison. It is a thought worth taking comfort in I think.

[4 the luv of Masr 14]

I am generally a VERY upbeat guy, but I must admit, this process could be the death of me. I mean, I went through this years ago with my first marriage, but in that case, my (then) wife was here in the states and it was just a matter of going back to her home country, going through the interview, getting through and bringing her back with me so I barely even remember a concern. This time around, my wife is overseas (almost 3,000 miles away) and being that is a far more passionate and complete (mature) relationship, the separation during this time is unbearable because the yearning is so deep so the anguish is commiserate .

I realize that the USCIS did not tell me or any of the other long distance lovers on here to go find love in distant locations. It's not their fault and the U.S has put its measures in place to interview applicants. I get it, but what is killing us is the uncertainty as you wait. For us, we are somewhere in the ballpark of the process window and we are watching that window widen into a next month so the hope you once had, now turns to uncertainty. we heard, from the horse's mouth, "FIVE MONTHS" and you watch 5 months slip into 6. You are not sure if it will be another few days, weeks or months and that is just getting the NOA2 so you can get to the REAL nuts and bolts of the process. Then, from the stories I've seen, you can do everything right and still be dismissed on some technicality or one person might go from NOA1 to NOA2 in 5 months and another in 10 months without there being any issue with their application.

Not all of us have the money to make frequent trips and you are caught between whether you should go for a visit (that requires a whole day to travel) only to have to turn back around in a mere few months to attend the interview, not to mention the fees in between. Thousand of dollars when all is said and done.

So I ask, for those in this position or who have been in this position, how do/did you cope? How do you temper the frustration that can creep in and make even the smallest thing bother you? It's like i have given up and just left the outcome to the Fates and just suppress expectations.

I completely understand your frustration; the toll this has on a person emotionally and financially is unbearable. My husband is from Egypt and like you, I don't have the means to make frequent visits. This process is utterly gut-wrenching; so much so, in a moment of anger and despair I had withdrawn our first application. I was uncertain that I could endure this long process. This was very stupid on my part because I only filed again months later which ultimately just prolonged our case. We are now waiting for an interview; and I will travel in 3 weeks, inshallah to see my husband whom I've not seen in 2.5 years! Neither of us has money for traveling added to the fact that I work full-time, go to night classes through the local community college and am a single mother of 2. I struggle financially, my immediate family is 2 states away and I constantly have the stress of this immigration process. Most days I wonder how I can get out of bed!

But we keep going. You have to keep in mind what you're fighting for and as they say, "Let go and let God". If you can do this, you can find peace. God willing, there will be a day many years from now when this is a distant memory. Just know that you're not alone.

[Thomianguy 36]

Wow, this has been disheartening and heartening at the same time. Just a few seconds ago, as I am prone to be involved with any second of the day, my wife sent me a photo of a place in her hometown that holds so much memories for us. Part of the reason why this moment is so painful is not only because her great grandmother passed away, but also, because she ia sback in her hometown where we shared such a beautiful time last year. She was rising on the bus on the way there when it hit her that I was not on the bus with her, nor did I cross the river with her, nor did I go to sleep with her as it rained outside. It was like returning to a place where you had your first kiss and the person you kissed and fell in love with is not there to revisit the moment with you.

I had always been a source of encouragement for my wife, keeping her spirit up when she began to think negatively about it all. When I introduced her to Visa Journey and she was able to see timelines and learn more about the process, she felt better and there was hope that my early October, we would be at the NOA2 process. Almost a month later, crickets. Even I began to break down and with a confluence of grief, frustration (her job), the distance and the missing, we both got sick.

My wife is a VERY eloquent person and skilled at writing and she knows how to get her points across so when I get a 10 paragraph whatsapp message expressing her deepest love with me contrasted by the hurt, fears and worry due to thei whole process, I felt it down to my toes. Still, I know we are not the only ones going through this and while I am not happy for any of us in THIS situation, I am happy that we all are holding on and letting love win out the day. If only the NVC or USCIS could really understand what goes on with some of us, but I realize, they get the frauds and they have their jobs to do.

Anyway, in the photo, that was me and my wife in May 2014 in her hometown, next to an old abandoned house she spent her early childhood in. As that is Guyana and into the rain forest area, it rains in buckets and we both literally showered right in the rain after this kiss. lol. I love this photo, not because of how I look, but because of how SHE looks and the emotion that it elicits. She is there right now, in the new house, probably looking at that very spot.

Wedding photo:

[Thomianguy 36]

Can't seem to upload the weeding photo ( 1 of over 600). Keeps uploading this one.

Edited October 23, 2015 by Thomianguy

[Khal_Drogo 50]

My wife and I met online, and we were in our relationship 13 months before I got to see her in person the first time. In the course of three years, we only saw each other for maybe a month-two months total in that time before getting married. Immediately after we got married, I got deployed.

She moved in with me March of 2013; three and a half years after we met and eight months after we married.

I am in the Air Force, and lived in Ohio at the time, she in Bulgaria. It was $1,500 for a plane ticket, and my job requires me to get security approval before I travel to a foreign country, which can take months. We usually had to go a year or more between seeing each other. So trust me when I say I feel your pain.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you get used to it. Yes, the underlying yearning is always there, but eventually it just becomes a daily routine. For us it was relatively fast; we had both been in long-term long-distance relationships before; I, for example, have only been in two relationships my whole life, the first lasted three and a half years and was for the most part purely online/phone. This sounds bad, but hear me out; it helps not to think about the future. Take it one day at a time, and it all sort of blends together. Eventually the day will come where you two are together and today will seem like a distant memory even if it's just a few months. Don't think of it like, "What about Christmas and New Year's?" or similar. Just think about this afternoon or what's for lunch. It's inane, yes, but trust me, it helps more than you can imagine. Naturally I am not saying don't discuss your future, but don't dwell too much on the distance between you, it simply causes more heartache.