I'm (hopefully) going to be a stepmom...nervous!

[Pooky 3,348]

In other news....we are 4 weeks pregnant.

Congratulations!

[Ontarkie 13,915]

Congratulations!

No matter where your step daughter lives you are her stepmother.

[NikLR 13,220]

Hubs is always my daughter's step-dad. He tries his best.

[Ontarkie 13,915]

That is all anyone can do.

My husband became a step father to 4 they were older 8-16. Not an easy thing to do.

[LiliBurd 85]

Congratulations for the pregnancy!

It's nice to hear from people that have experienced this. My fiance has a 10 year old daughter, and that along with being in a LDR sure does add challenges to a relationship. For now her and I get along really well, but we only see each other every few months and chat once in a while on Facebook. As all of you have said I'm not looking to replace her mother, I just want to be her friend and hopefully have a positive influence in her life. The tough part is not over stepping boundaries, I give my opinion only if he seeks it, and am as supportive as i can be. But I know that once we live together and have our own children it will be harder... but I know we will do our best.

Transborderwife keep us posted about your step daughter.. it must be so stressful right now. Wish you the best.

[Dave-n-Oksana 49]

my thoughts to you as a Step-Parent is to never think of her as your step-daughter but as your daughter. This is especially important with the future 1/2 sibling. It is all about your mindset and showing equal love and discipline (when needed).

Edited December 2, 2014 by Dave-n-Oksana

[Transborderwife 4,666]

So newest update: we have one very happy daddy! He has temporary custody until the next cort hearing. His ex wife has filed a motion to move out of state (properly this time) and his lawyer will be filing a motion for full custody and costs. The end is in sight. He didn't feel that there was enough to grant some custody immediately and is giving the ex a chance to get her sht together for lack of better term. Because she's been with the mother for so long it's kind of a trial period.

The hardest part today was her asking where her grandma was. He explained that she went to heaven to visit Nana (great great grandma). She hasn't quite grasped the concept as she has asked a couple more times but she's still young.

We haven't told about the baby yet, waiting to get past the 10 week mark first to be sure.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

We hit a snag. Yesterday was a trial management hearing. First off it was very rushed by the judge between adjourning another case. The lawyer didn't even get to present anything associated with necessary proof for custody. His daughter went back to Georgia with her mom. His next visitation weekend is the 26th-29th. We have to meet half way (3 hr drive) to get her and take her back. That takes a total of 6 hours out of his time spent with her. Also he can't pick her up until 7-8pm on the Friday as per work schedule AND he works Saturdays. He's trying to get a new schedule in place so that he actually gets time with her however between health issues and his mom passing away he's had a lot of concession already for time off. Also the mother doesn't work. At all. She lives off of her husband's income as well as child support for her other 3 kids (two are close to adult age)

This isn't all though. After this visit it goes back to the original parenting plan of every other weekend AND we have to pick her up from Georgia, 6 hour drive (12 hr round trip ugh) which will be even harder. It didn't seem to matter that in the original plan she couldn't leave Pinellas county. The judge gave her leniency as this was her first offence. The plan is that this stays in place until they have mediation. If that's doesn't work then they go to trial. However, from what the judge said the most that could come from it is shared custody, not what DH wants as he wants his daughter in school, not online home school as is what's happening now. She has no social skills and it's difficult to see.

Anyways we are pretty upset to say the least as last hearing it seemed like the judge was going to come down hard and honour his request for physical custody.

Edited December 10, 2014 by Transborderwife

[Tina and Johan 206]

I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this. (congrats on the pregnancy, though. ) I have a 10 year old stepson. He's from Ireland, but he now lives with us. His mother is back there. I knew that my husband and he were a package deal. At first, when our relationship was brand new, I adored that little boy. But now that I live with him, reality has set in, and while I still adore him, there are good days and bad days. Our situation: I have a 21 year old son, who lives in another state, and a 16 year old daughter, who lives with us and NEVER sees her dad (also in another state, though different than our son's). When my husband and I began talking of marriage, he had full custody of his son, as my stepson's mother signed off on him, legally. We talked about me being a mother to his son, and he being a father figure to my daughter. They have more of a friendly relationship, but not really father/daughter. The stepson and I, however, have more of a mother/son relationship, although I wouldn't be surprised to find out he calls me "the general" behind my back! I'm less lenient than his father is with him.

The biggest issues have revolved around routine, behavior expectations, and chores. After several months, I'm becoming frustrated with his lack of acclimating to a routine with school, homework, and basic stuff like shutting off lights, and flushing the toilet. I've discovered unpleasant personality traits (he lurks and is sneaky. he also habitually lies to his dad, which my husband says he didn't do in Ireland). Together, my husband and I are trying to parent this child, and it's improving. The hardest days were about 3 weeks after they moved here. The "honeymoon" was over, and he was expected to tow the line. As a teacher, I cherish my summers off, but I couldn't wait to get back to work and away from him all day long. That reality made me very sad, and I found myself wishing, at least partially, that he still lived in Ireland with his mother. After the idealism and the romance of being a saving grace to someone else's child wears off, you're left with the reality that these kids are humans with their own distinct personalities, gifts, flaws, frustrations, and joys. With time, I think we will meld into a more cohesive family. I already have "mama bear" tendencies with him. Last night he told my daughter and I at dinner (husband was working late, so I took them out) that 2 years ago Santa didn't bring him anything for Christmas. Nothing, "not even coal." He was with his mother then. I wanted to fly to Ireland and beat her up!! I assured him that Santa will be coming to his home in the US. (for the record, he DID get presents from his dad that year!) From my experience, you HAVE TO enter a relationship like this with eyes wide open. Either you both have the wherewithal to have a close, mother/daughter relationship, or you won't. The key here is, IMHO, that YOU are the instigator as the adult. It's not up to your 6-year old stepdaughter to forge the relationship. Also, while I'm thinking about it: You and your husband MUST be on the same page, with parenting. moreso than when you're both parents to the child. My husband has the power to destroy my relationship and undermine my authority just by saying, "he's MY son." He doesn't do that. Nor do I do it to him with my daughter. We are a much better parenting team than my ex and I were. Ever. That's my $.02 Good luck with the court stuff. I can't imagine the frustrations he (and you too) are going through!

Edited December 10, 2014 by Tina and Johan

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Thank you so much for that insight! It helps a great deal.

[Tina and Johan 206]

Thank you so much for that insight! It helps a great deal.

You're very welcome.

[LiliBurd 85]

We hit a snag. Yesterday was a trial management hearing. First off it was very rushed by the judge between adjourning another case. The lawyer didn't even get to present anything associated with necessary proof for custody. His daughter went back to Georgia with her mom. His next visitation weekend is the 26th-29th. We have to meet half way (3 hr drive) to get her and take her back. That takes a total of 6 hours out of his time spent with her. Also he can't pick her up until 7-8pm on the Friday as per work schedule AND he works Saturdays. He's trying to get a new schedule in place so that he actually gets time with her however between health issues and his mom passing away he's had a lot of concession already for time off. Also the mother doesn't work. At all. She lives off of her husband's income as well as child support for her other 3 kids (two are close to adult age)

This isn't all though. After this visit it goes back to the original parenting plan of every other weekend AND we have to pick her up from Georgia, 6 hour drive (12 hr round trip ugh) which will be even harder. It didn't seem to matter that in the original plan she couldn't leave Pinellas county. The judge gave her leniency as this was her first offence. The plan is that this stays in place until they have mediation. If that's doesn't work then they go to trial. However, from what the judge said the most that could come from it is shared custody, not what DH wants as he wants his daughter in school, not online home school as is what's happening now. She has no social skills and it's difficult to see.

Anyways we are pretty upset to say the least as last hearing it seemed like the judge was going to come down hard and honour his request for physical custody.

I'm so sorry to hear this... it must be so devastating especially when you were thinking you would be getting full custody. It's so difficult when you don't have control over a situation like this. I guess all you can really do is be the best wife, step-mother, and mother to your own child, and hope you can have a positive influence on your step daughter's life.

From my personal experience and what I've witnessed with my nieces and nephew as it pertains to step parents is that mo matter our opinion on their parenting, these kids will always have a Mother and a Father. It is not our role or responsibility to be their parent. Our priority should be to support our spouse, and try to build a relationship with the step child and be a positive influence in their lives. I guess what I'm trying to say, or trying to convince myself of (because I'm kind of in a similar situation) is that if we are the best person we know ourselves to be, that is one of the greatest gifts we can give our SO children. Cherish the moments you have with her, turn it into a positive occasion, that will help your husband stay positive as well, which is really what you want for that little girl. She is lucky to have such a caring person in her life.

Best of luck!

Edited December 11, 2014 by LiliBurd