I'm (hopefully) going to be a stepmom...nervous!

[Transborderwife 4,666]

My SO and his ex wife have a final custody court date on Monday. It's been a long battle and things are looking good for him to get full custody. The main argument is that she left the state with their daughter without permission and had not let him see her since February, when they left the state. Their original custody arrangement was shared, and one parent was not permitted to move more than 50 miles from the other without court permission. She was held in contempt of court back in May for being outside of this guideline. She tried skirting the system by providing the court with a fake address that was not even within the 50 mile radius.

His lawyer said that I will likely have to be questioned as I'm going to be a secondary caregiver of the child. I've never been to court before (not even for my own previous divorce) and am kind of nervous. I'm also nervous to become a step parent to his child should things go as planned. Excited, but nervous! Any advice would be great.

[Pooky 3,355]

My SO and his ex wife have a final custody court date on Monday. It's been a long battle and things are looking good for him to get full custody. The main argument is that she left the state with their daughter without permission and had not let him see her since February, when they left the state. Their original custody arrangement was shared, and one parent was not permitted to move more than 50 miles from the other without court permission. She was held in contempt of court back in May for being outside of this guideline. She tried skirting the system by providing the court with a fake address that was not even within the 50 mile radius.

His lawyer said that I will likely have to be questioned as I'm going to be a secondary caregiver of the child. I've never been to court before (not even for my own previous divorce) and am kind of nervous. I'm also nervous to become a step parent to his child should things go as planned. Excited, but nervous! Any advice would be great.

Good luck.

Being a full-time step-parent isn't easy, but it can be extremely rewarding.

How old is your step-daughter?

Edited November 27, 2014 by Pooky

[Transborderwife 4,666]

She's 6. I've always wanted a daughter so It's a blessing.

[Pooky 3,355]

She's 6. I've always wanted a daughter so It's a blessing.

Mine were just a touch older.

[NikLR 13,220]

To be honest it likely is easier to become a step parent to a younger child than an older one. I have a friend who's step children all call her mom (3 of them) and they were living with their dad as well. I tried really hard as a child to get along with my step-mom and later my step-dad. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my step-mom and my step-dad was verbally abusive and an all around jerk. I think in the end it's something you learn as you go because children are individual.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Thanks everyone for the advice it's truly helpful! One thing that I decided from day one was that I'd never try to replace her mother. I'd never ask her to call me mom if she didn't want to. There is the chance that this may not happen but it looks like the odds are in our favor right now.

[Pooky 3,355]

Thanks everyone for the advice it's truly helpful! One thing that I decided from day one was that I'd never try to replace her mother. I'd never ask her to call me mom if she didn't want to. There is the chance that this may not happen but it looks like the odds are in our favor right now.

Edited November 30, 2014 by Pooky

[NikLR 13,220]

Thanks everyone for the advice it's truly helpful! One thing that I decided from day one was that I'd never try to replace her mother. I'd never ask her to call me mom if she didn't want to. There is the chance that this may not happen but it looks like the odds are in our favor right now.

Just to note, my friend NEVER asked the kids to call her mom. They didn't discourage it, but never asked them to.

My step mom did however, and you're right, it's a HORRIBLE idea.

[Pooky 3,355]

Just to note, my friend NEVER asked the kids to call her mom. They didn't discourage it, but never asked them to.

My step mom did however, and you're right, it's a HORRIBLE idea.

Never ask, but if they offer of their own volition, remember what a privilege and an honour it is when they do.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Haha I didn't even think of that when I said it but it brought a smile. Hubby is pretty nervous and on edge today. He's been waiting a long long time on this. Again the advice is amazing . Much appreciated.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

If you are good with kids then you are ahead..this girl can be "mean" or "totally nice" but either is expected because she may not know you well. Don't expect hero call you 'mum' soon or ever..Be a friend.

She is somebody's child and you can only expect a good friendship from the child at best and the rest will come later. Good luck..I wish I could advise you about going to court, never entered a court building but from what I hear and have seen on tv, "be honest and have proof"..You will be fine.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Well exciting times. The judge tore a strip off of hubby's (hate that term...why'd I use it?) ex wife in court today. Basically she has to show up tomorrow at 9am with his daughter before he will place a ruling. Lawyer believes that he's calling her bluff that the child is even in state so back to court we to.

In other news....we are 4 weeks pregnant.

[NikLR 13,220]

Congrats on the second part and I hope she gets called on it for the first.

I wish a friend's ex would get called on her bull. She's constantly in contempt of court by not allowing her ex (our friend) to see his kids on court scheduled visits, but seems to get off because she's rather intelligent (more so than the lawyers our friend has.)

I'm super glad my ex and I can get along. We get along better now than we did together. It's really hard on my daughter, but we try to make it as easy as possible.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

She brought her service animal with her to court. The judge was skeptical as to it's purpose (she has no known disability). As well he threatened to throw her in jail 3-4 times in a 30 minute period. The only reason that he didn't is because he felt it would be pointless seeing as he has no knowledge of where the child is.

[novedsac 355]

Thanks everyone for the advice it's truly helpful! One thing that I decided from day one was that I'd never try to replace her mother. I'd never ask her to call me mom if she didn't want to. There is the chance that this may not happen but it looks like the odds are in our favor right now.

This is good thinking.

You may want to come up with a 'special' name for the child to call you, though, which doesn't replace 'mom', but helps to establish the special relationship you will have with her.

The most difficult part of being a step parent while both parents are part of the child's life is knowing when to gracefully allow her mom to parent and when to be supportive of the child. Stay out of the rift between her mom and dad … and as horrible as the mom may be sometimes, refrain from badmouthing her to the child.

And if you have children of your own … consider how to mold the family so that everyone feels at home. No straight answer - everyone is different - just one of those things you gotta figure out as you go along.

Good luck.