To Fart Or Not To Fart

[melly 0]

My dad used to blame the dog when I was a kid. I think it amused him greatly.

* That isn't to say that the dog never had nasty farts. Cos nothing is as bad as dog farts.

Edited December 29, 2006 by melly

[Marilyn. 340]

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.

**********************

WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART:

1. Inside a crowded Lift.

2. Inside a public library.

3. On a crowded train.

4. Whilst giving a speech.

5. In Church.

6. Whilst on a date.

7. In a packed lecture theatre.

8. In your office.

9. At a cinema.

10. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while

11. In a ticket line.

13. On an airplane.

14. During confession

15. In the bed, whilst feeling frisky.

16. In bed when you're feeling frisky

17. While fighting fire in a burning building

19. In a patrol car for a minor violation

WHEN TO FART:

1. Bosses office as you are about to leave. - best to make sure it's silent but violent.

2. In a bathroom.

3. In the cashiers line - it's bound to speed things up.

4. The empty elevator before you get off.

5. Beside an occupied dressing room - no doubt it'll quickly become unnocupied.

6. Your co-workers cubicle at the office.

7. When deep sea diving.

8. Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested.

9. In your car if you've been carjacked.

10. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

[almaty 19]

alright sister marilyn, the infamous farting thread is back..i am celebrating right now...damn, that felt good...

[John & Annie 0]

I still giggle like a school child

[Nessa 23]

uh oh the farting thread

[Marilyn. 340]

alright sister marilyn, the infamous farting thread is back..i am celebrating right now...damn, that felt good...

I figured it was about time

[Marilyn. 340]

a few people are reading this thread right now

[*julez* 124]

Its a gas!

[Nessa 23]

a few people are reading this thread right now

I wonder how many are farting while reading this thread

[Ban Hammer 12,900]

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.

**********************

WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART:

1. Inside a crowded Lift.

2. Inside a public library.

3. On a crowded train.

4. Whilst giving a speech.

5. In Church.

6. Whilst on a date.

7. In a packed lecture theatre.

8. In your office.

9. At a cinema.

10. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while

11. In a ticket line.

13. On an airplane.

14. During confession

15. In the bed, whilst feeling frisky.

16. In bed when you're feeling frisky

17. While fighting fire in a burning building

19. In a patrol car for a minor violation

WHEN TO FART:

1. Bosses office as you are about to leave. - best to make sure it's silent but violent.

2. In a bathroom.

3. In the cashiers line - it's bound to speed things up.

4. The empty elevator before you get off.

5. Beside an occupied dressing room - no doubt it'll quickly become unnocupied.

6. Your co-workers cubicle at the office.

7. When deep sea diving.

8. Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested.

9. In your car if you've been carjacked.

10. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

add #20 - when getting oral

[Toshtishtash 1]

add #20 - when getting oral

A Belch is but a gust of wind

That cometh from the Heart,

But should it take a downward trend,

Turneth into a Fart

****

A Ballerina goes to the Doctor,

"Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I fart" she cries.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible"

The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... Farts loudly.

"Thats amazing, do it again,"

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart

"Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I may be able to help" he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end.

The ballerina starts back in alarm, "What the ~&%$*? are you going to do with that?" she asks,

"Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!"

[Marilyn. 340]

Famous or Infamous Farts...

*"I fart in your general direction, you English wiper of other people's bottoms!" was a taunt delivered from the top of a castle wall to King Arthur and his company in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

*In Dante's Divine Comedy, the last line of Inferno Chapter XXI reads: ed elli avea del cul fatto trombetta ("and he made a trumpet of his buttocks"), in the last example the use of this natural body function underlined a demoniac condition.

*In James Joyce's Ulysses, the main character Leopold Bloom breaks wind in the "Sirens" chapter of the book.

*In the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles television, theatrical, and comic series, the youngest of the turtles, Michelangelo, often farts in an attempt to annoy his older brothers and as an act of comic relief.

* In the movie Mystery Men, "The Spleen" (played by Paul Reubens) is a "superhero" who, due to a gypsy curse, can aim his highly noxious flatulence with deadly precision.

*Brent Spiner's character in the movie The Master of Disguise suffered from uncontrolled flatulence any time he broke into a fit of evil laughter.

*A scene in the comedy film Blazing Saddles in which a posse of cowboys sitting around a camp fire eat baked beans, causing extreme flatulence. Curiously, the farting sounds were removed from TV showings of this film, making it somewhat incomprehensible.

*In the video game Fable, the Hero can fart when ever the player wants to at the push of a button.

*In an episode of Sex and the City Sarah Jessica Parker's character, Carrie Bradshaw, believes her relationship with Mr. Big is over after she accidentally farts while lying in bed with him.

*In an episode of Family Guy, Peter Griffin and Michael Moore use flatulence to engage in a sort of dueling banjoes style musical piece. In another episode, Peter tries to hide his flatulence by coughing and talking over it during a PTA meeting, humorously trying to cover one particularly long fart with a drawn out word. (Teacher: Do you have something to share with us, Mr. Griffin?" Peter: (Farts) Nooooooooooooooo. (Farts again) No."

*Le Pétomane "the Fartiste" a famous French performer in the nineteenth century as well as many professional farters before him did flatulence impressions and held shows. Mel Brooks named his fictional governor (played by himself) William J. LePetomaine in the Western spoof film Blazing Saddles.

*Flavius Josephus reports in The Wars of the Jews that a Roman soldier raised his clothes and farted at the Feast of Unleavened Bread. This profane act so enraged the Jews that it caused a riot, during which many thousands were killed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flatulence

[Toshtishtash 1]

A nervous young man, keen to impress, is visiting his future in laws for the very first time.

After a huge Sunday Lunch they are all relaxing in the lounge when the young man lets off a real ripsnorter. The father gets up and shouts at the dog, "Get out Rex, get out!"

"Phew," thinks the young man, "They thought it was the dog,"

Next time he doesn't even try to hold it in and again the father shouts at the dog, "Rex, Out, Out,"

The third time the young man had grown in confidence and releases a huge rumbling air biscuit at which the father jumps up and shouts,

"Get out Rex, quick before he s***ts all over you"

[Emancipation 2]

Marilyn you rock.. this thread is awesome.. I'm too much of a newbie to have seen it originally, so glad it got bumped.. HALARIOUS!

[Toshtishtash 1]

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just ###### my pants!!!"