I don't know what to do with my hands...(Wanting to marry gf, return home, come back at a later date)

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Don't worry, no vomiting going on here. There is lots of sickly sweet lovey-dovey talk on these forums. But looking at it from the outside, it sounds like you're not taking the advice of other people that told you their stories and how they regretted not including their family more than they did.

The fact that your family wouldn't be opposed to you marrying this girl, or that her family wouldn't be opposed to her marrying you, doesn't mean that they will appreciate being left out of (the first step, and arguably the most important part of) the marriage process. I guess since you're the only one that knows the whole story, you can only be the judge of that.

Yes, as is often the case posters don't get the answers they are looking for. Of course I am not saying that is wrong. But we have seen this time and time again.

To the OP I wish you the best of luck and I pray that your family will not be as hurt as mine was when I made the mistake of leaving them out of my wedding. I can only share my experience with you and I was shocked when I learned how devastated some of my family members were when they were left out. Just sayin', that's all.

God Bless

[IslAmy 122]

OP, if it helps you any, my husband and I eloped the way you are proposing, minus the part of him coming to the U.S.; I went to his country and married him, then I returned home to the States to file for a CR1.

We "secretly" married in that we did the civil/courthouse wedding needed to file the immigration papers. We plan on having the "actual" ceremony (a second wedding with everyone involved) once he gets here.

[h4773r 2]

Ok, some brutal practicality. It sounds like you're both young and white and relatively privileged. Congrats, you have it somewhat easy on the VISA journey. THAT SAID.

Sorry mate, but this isn't an easy prospect, and it's not a romantic one. It's about crossing i's, dotting t's, and making sure you follow the instructions to their practical, unromantic, paperwork and red tape laden end.

Can we just calm it down...I get it's a long process and I get it's about dotting i's and crossing t's and a tonne of paperwork. I'm not going into this completely blind and oblivious. If plans need to change then they need to change, that's why I'm here, to weigh up options and decide the best way to go about this. But for now we're going to try and see this through the way we would prefer.

I am white, and under 30. I'm not sure what you mean by 'relatively privileged' - I've never been privileged, unless you count the fact that I've found the woman of my dreams then by all means I am. It's taken a lot of time, hard work and years to get myself to where I am now and away from the food handouts supplied by the salvation army.

Have you talked with your families about getting married, or are you just guessing? Because I can join the chorus: families DO care when you elope. I learned that one the hard way, and my former in-laws never forgave me. (As the in-law it was, of course, my choice.) My decision also badly hurt my mother... and she didn't live to see me remarried.

We have in a general sense talked to our families about marriage, and thrown hypotheticals at them such as eloping. They've all given their blessings for if/when it happens. Like I said, we've discussed this in great length with each other as well, we're not tredding on toes here. There is no need to get hung up on this. It really is a non event in this case. I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

Beyond that, what happens if you "secretly" get married and then, in two years, for some reason, your timeline gets flagged for further review when you're going to remove conditions, and you're asked to provide affidavits, etc, from your family about supporting your marriage as it happened, or having attended your wedding? What happens if they demand that while family members are still angry?

Her sister and brother-in-law are living in Hawaii, so far they're the only ones to know about it and approve. They will be helping in the ceremony, so I don't see this as being an issue...but who knows, it could be.

Have you to your family about moving away? My husband thought his family would be fine with it; instead, they tried to have him committed as clearly insane for wanting to leave Australia. (I'm actually not kidding.)

People react weirdly around weddings. People react REALLY weirdly when it comes to weddings AND moving halfway around the world.

I have talked to them about moving away, they're all well aware that those are my intentions and I have their blessings and support. To quote my dad "you need to do what makes you happy so if that makes you happy then go for it, I'll have a place to stay when I come over for a holiday". I currently live away from them anyway.

What about finances? Will her family co-sponsor you? Are they willing to help her with residency issues if you guys go the CR1 route? Where are you planning on living? Do you have a degree? Can you even get a job in the US (do you have relevant work skills)?

Her family are wanting me there as much as I want to be there. They're already job searching for me which surprised and talking to an imigration lawyer which I just heard about the other night. I don't think that they'll have an issue with co-sponsoring me and helping in any way possible since they are a very tight family.

I have a BA in IT - I've been working in it for a number of years now with several quick succession promotions along the way. I don't want to crystal ball gaze here but I don't think computers are going anywhere anytime soon. It may take some time but I'm confident that I'll find work. If need be, I'm happy to rebuild and start from the bottom again, I'll take anything that is going. I've got numerous years of bar work and general customer service skills to call upon if need be. I'll have the finances available to get me through until I can land something.

I'm really just here looking for advice on the process which I think I've got (or can at least find out more about easily enough), not relationship advice. Again I appreciate the concern on that part and it's definitely something we've considered. But if we could please drop that it would be appreciated.

[h4773r 2]

OP, if it helps you any, my husband and I eloped the way you are proposing, minus the part of him coming to the U.S.; I went to his country and married him, then I returned home to the States to file for a CR1.

We "secretly" married in that we did the civil/courthouse wedding needed to file the immigration papers. We plan on having the "actual" ceremony (a second wedding with everyone involved) once he gets here.

That's exactly our intentions as well Amy...probably two since I have some family that can't afford to go to the states.

[IslAmy 122]

That's exactly our intentions as well Amy...probably two since I have some family that can't afford to go to the states.

We preferred the CR1 over the K1 because as far as we could tell, we might have to wait just as long for the K1 to be processed as the CR1, and then have to go through the adjustment process once he immigrated and have to wait for work authorization etc. Even if the K1 does end up being faster up front, I don't envy anyone who has to deal with USCIS again so soon after their initial application. To each his own, though

Like you, we also wanted to be able to call each other husband and wife, and know that while we may be on different continents, at least we are connected to each other.

Best wishes to you two and congrats on finding each other

[kehills 217]

Can we just calm it down...I get it's a long process and I get it's about dotting i's and crossing t's and a tonne of paperwork. I'm not going into this completely blind and oblivious. If plans need to change then they need to change, that's why I'm here, to weigh up options and decide the best way to go about this. But for now we're going to try and see this through the way we would prefer.

I am white, and under 30. I'm not sure what you mean by 'relatively privileged' - I've never been privileged,

As you'll quickly learn in America, you should probably examine that. You're white. You have a degree. You are from a first world country full of health insurance and all kinds of socialized things that freak half of America out.

You are, from the information you've shared, not Muslim.

You, again from the information you've shared, do not have an Arabic or Persian name.

You are not from a high fraud country.

You are, in all likelihood, not going to sit in AP for three years while someone you've never met makes a decision about your security risk.

'grats. You are, compared to so very many people here, privileged. And it'll just get moreso when you move here.

It's great that you want to look at all your options, but you need to look at them - this is DIY, not Have Us Do it For You. And you need to be brutally realistic about expectations; your responses to people about being oh so romantic? This, is not a romantic process. And sorry, but folks come in here every day wanting to be romantic, wait to get on one knee, do something special, whatever. Folks come in here daily thinking they're an unusual case, without being aware of the process, requirements, etc. (Hell, the number of people that show up here daily that had no idea there's more money and more fees after the first round is truly staggering.)

There's a term you might want to get familiar with (frequently used on Offbeat Bride, but also some other places, including here) called "getting legaled" or "a courthouse wedding." It's for folks who need to have the legal aspect done, but still want a cultural/social wedding at a later time - and yes, often in multiple countries.

What you want to do is erase the idea of secrecy from your language ASAP. That's not going to do you well in the process, and you should want to keep rolling with the easy path you have, rather than going out of your way to make things more difficult for you and your fiancée.

Edited August 27, 2014 by kehills

[h4773r 2]

As you'll quickly learn in America, you should probably examine that. You're white. You have a degree. You are from a first world country full of health insurance and all kinds of socialized things that freak half of America out.

You are, from the information you've shared, not Muslim.

You, again from the information you've shared, do not have an Arabic or Persian name.

You are not from a high fraud country.

You are, in all likelihood, not going to sit in AP for three years while someone you've never met makes a decision about your security risk.

'grats. You are, compared to so very many people here, privileged. And it'll just get moreso when you move here.

It's great that you want to look at all your options, but you need to look at them - this is DIY, not Have Us Do it For You. And you need to be brutally realistic about expectations; your responses to people about being oh so romantic? This, is not a romantic process. And sorry, but folks come in here every day wanting to be romantic, wait to get on one knee, do something special, whatever. Folks come in here daily thinking they're an unusual case, without being aware of the process, requirements, etc. (Hell, the number of people that show up here daily that had no idea there's more money and more fees after the first round is truly staggering.)

There's a term you might want to get familiar with (frequently used on Offbeat Bride, but also some other places, including here) called "getting legaled" or "a courthouse wedding." It's for folks who need to have the legal aspect done, but still want a cultural/social wedding at a later time - and yes, often in multiple countries.

What you want to do is erase the idea of secrecy from your language ASAP. That's not going to do you well in the process, and you should want to keep rolling with the easy path you have, rather than going out of your way to make things more difficult for you and your fiancée.

I honestly thought the point of a forum was to discuss, I came here to discuss and find out what options are available to me and declutter the shroud of options, dead ends and everything else I was running into to.

I'm being realistic, but can I not also be light hearted about it all? Is there a need to scream in my face? I never once tried to put this down to a lovey dovey romance. I said I'm here, this is what I want to do, can you help me with options. I'm aware I may not be able to take the road I want and may not be able to marry the woman of my dreams (is that the lovey dovey part? that I want to marry someone?)

I honestly don't know what you're problem is, but you're coming off like I've offended you to some degree.

As for the terms, I don't see a point in learning those terms...I'd ask you to elaborate but I really don't want to read another post which comes across to me as rude.

I'm not hiding anything either. But the details I'm after don't require me to divulge all of my personal life stories. The information I provided should be enough to get the answers I'm after, which it has been.

Again, I really don't know what your issue is. I came here for advice and perhaps a little comfort from people who have been in this situation before, not to be berated by someone who I seem to have offended by talking about what this website and forum is built for.

[Ryan H 3,790]

Moved from General Immigration-Related Discussion to What Visa Do I Need - Family Based Immigration forum.