How to Bend Time: The Paradox of Speaking LESS

[ninadrianna 1]

After months of back and forth visits, and more than daily calls and texts, my fiance has had enough of the long distance gig and just wants to wait until I'm actually there for good in order to continue connecting in any significant way. Each time we say goodbye we experience tremendous heart ache and anxiety. On the phone, it kills us that we can't hug or really help the person out.

He's had enough of all the electronic communication since he is so not a techy person. And he hates travelling and he hates saying good bye and he hates the phone. So after months of lots of connecting in a way that only creates more desire, we now hardly connect. It's a strategy to hibernate the relationship because the whole long distance thing SUCKs so much.

Has anyone else on here tried to communicate LESS, in order to make time go by faster and to ease the pain of being apart??

I'm online a lot so for me it's hard to understand, but for someone who is hardly ever online, communicating in any way other than in-person is actually very strange and challenging. If you're reading this, you're in the online culture. My fiance is just not in it, at ALL. He doesn't even know what Twitter is even tho he lives in San Francisco. He's in a totally different culture. Weird right. (very weird and also partly why i love him. He's so frigging REAL)

It reminds me of the olden days where people only had letter correspondence ... infrequent letters between lovers during war time was the only thing that kept people together ....that and day dreaming ... and simply focusing on the Present Now moment.

Do any of you guys find that texting and phone calls can actually put more pressure on the relationship, because it's so frequent, but not supplemented by in-person reality?

Anyways, this whole long distance thing is so confusing ... i mean god we must hugely love each other .... but man, so much trust is required, not just in each other, but in LOVE itself. If this love is for real, then he's right, we don't really have to connect all that much in an online and phone realm that is so unfulflilling compared to touching and seeing each other. A couple months can go by fast, maybe faster, if we connect LESS. It's been two weeks of this new strategy and I'm almost getting used to it. It's definitely making me see that most of the time when I text, I'm just seeking reassurance. In reality, he's as solid and committed to me whether or not he texts back asap.

We're all sorta love-crazy, aren't we? Cross-border love doesn't all all make any rational sense. sigh. thx for 'listening'. I'm off to post a letter. SNAIL MAIL and dead silent patient WAITING ...ugh. Not like more texts or emails would make it any easier.

Edited August 18, 2014 by ninadrianna

[kehills 217]

I can't say I really understand that; when the now-husband and I were apart, we basically had Google Hangout open if we were both at home; we would leave it open while doing chores, watching elections, having breakfast/dinner (the time zone difference meant he was having dinner while I had breakfast), reading, doing laundry, whatever. We frequently left the Hangout open while one of us wasn't home, too.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm disabled so sometimes I can't touch (I have a nerve condition), but as nice as touch and smell and taste and being in 3D and stereo is, what's nicer is sharing a life together. I can't imagine how you share a life if you don't talk.

[Marco&Bettina 502]

Everything.

I think it's sad what you 2 have resorted to.

Edit: What my Fiancee & I do is communicate every day. We just text via Whatsapp & Facebook but only for about a max of 8 hours as that's all the time our time zone difference overlaps where we're awake. We Skype twice per week, on weekends only. Each call can last 1-3 hours. Other than that, we rarely communicate.

Double Edit: We give each other plenty of space & we're both OK with it. It's not because we don't wanna be with each other. It's because we're both not needy people.

Edited August 18, 2014 by Marco&Bettina

[k.dlg 300]

I could understand if he wasn't able to access easier ways to communicate (doesn't have the internet/spotty connection, being in the military, etc) and you had to resort to snail mail, and sometimes it's even sweet to get a handwritten love letter now and then too, but to use it as your only form of communication when he can easily contact you doesn't make sense to me. I see this putting more strain on your relationship, not less. Also, getting used to not talking to them may cause you to start drift apart and wonder why you're even in a relationship.

It's definitely making me see that most of the time when I text, I'm just seeking reassurance.

It made me sad to read that for some reason. I read it as if you're trying to rationalize why your communication was a problem when it wasn't. I'd like to believe all of our significant others are our best friends, and what do you want to do when you have a funny story or rant about your day? Immediately tell your best friend about it. It's not about reassurance - it's about sustaining that connection and relationship.

Edited August 18, 2014 by k.dlg

[thatangela 134]

Sweet Jeebus, no. If anything, since we became engaged and started the visa process, we talk more. We always emailed every day but we Skype every other night now, instead of just twice a week.

Communication is part of the foundation of a relationship. So is trust. Neither one should be difficult.

[NikLR 13,227]

We were online constantly, not even talking but knowing that person was there. However, like you, we are very computer oriented. There always came a point when we needed a real hug, a real kiss, and then we visited. I think sometimes we appreciated that time together more when we were forced to be apart.

[keysjangle 145]

No, I don't think it's weird at all. Realistically, in the case of my husband and I, we didn't have a lot to talk about every day. It's one thing to send a "Hey, how was your day? Going for dinner with my friends tonight" type of e-mail or something. It's another to feel bound to your computer because you're trying to make up for lost physical contact. I went through this with my husband before moving to the U.S. and between visits. Neither of us wanted to feel like we had to sit there and chit chat about nothing every night. We are both very much computer people - gaming, skype, multiple forums, social networks, etc.

We slowed down our communication and it was fine for us. I think sending a snail mail letter or a silly card would be adorable. It's nice to receive those little tokens from your partner

Don't sweat it.

[ninadrianna 1]

Thanks everyone for commiserating with me.
And thank goodness thanks Gervl for making me feel not so alone in this.

[Bonnie&Bob 33]

It is not what you call normal to not communicate. This is the time you both should be learning about one another. The lack of daily info, personal history, and regular communication is going to hurt your interview with lack of evidence. One of the most popular questions at the consulate is how often do you communicate, how do you communicate, & how often do you see each other. The answer of "My fiance thought less communication would be better", is going to get you Denied at your interview. Without the need to speak often or see each other makes it look like your marrying him for a green card. Just saying.

[Sekhvaruli 74]

I can't imagine how it's possible to survive if not to communicate all the time. It's only when I am with my sweetheart, either over the phone or in Skype, that I simply feel no pain or anxiety. I don't know how less communication can help. For us it's only talking to each other and seeing each other makes time fly.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I may not be the person to ask, I find it hard to imagine not talking to my husband as frequently as I do. We call or email one another several times a day between him dropping me off at work and picking me up. Mostly random dribble, nothing earth shattering I have to say...but we like the chit chat.

The mom in me has a different reaction to what you've said - if your fiance is pulling away at a critical time of stress in this journey, you may want to explore that with him. If he doesn't like to travel and doesn't like being online or the phone, how will that all work out? You don't sound convinced that this approach is making you happy either and if its not then something needs to change. Sounds like this new 'strategy' is causing you lots of heartache too.

My 2 cents

[ninadrianna 1]

Thanks Bonnie&Bob ... it's not like we're not talking at all, it's just that we are talking much less than 3 times a day as we did at the beginning of the process. And i'm texting less than 500 texts a month instead of more than 1000. In perspective, of course it was driving him crazy when he hardly uses his phone. So it's all relative. Hibernating doesn't mean dead, it means slow down and just focus on life in the meanwhile.
I didn't realize they asked those questions tho ... good to know. God i don't understand why any Canadian would want to go thru this process just to get a green card. It's much better working here. Clearly i'm doing it for love, if they don't see that then something is totally screwed up. Thanks tho i do see what you are saying.

[ninadrianna 1]

Udella&Wiz -- thanks, I do appreciate your mom-ness. In-person, he gives me all the attention in the world. It's what he excels at. It's just the distance that is so hard on him, so i am working to find compassion in that. In the same way that talking for so many of us makes us feel good, for him it's heartbreaking and easier to talk less.

So meanwhile, we're working on finding a balance of distance communication that works for both of us. I think we're finding how to accept each other and learn about each other ... and how to be patient ( Love is Patient!) so in fact we are growing deeper, everyday, even if we don't talk as much as I'd like. It keeps surprising me, how meeting him halfway in this leads to more depth.

Talking everyday or not, we stay close. That is what is trippy. That to me shows it's true love (whatever that means )

One thing I'm learning from loving my fiance, a techno-phobe old school individual, is how addicted/attached I am to technology, and how the speed of technology is sometimes (sometimes) an illusionary source of comfort.

Anyways it really helps to talk this out with you people even tho maybe i'm starting to get too personal now. Super interesting hearing other people's opinions and perspectives. So, thanks.

Edited August 19, 2014 by ninadrianna

[Udella&Wiz 325]

There is definitely a certain exhaustion that gets to you by the end of the K1 process. I can tell you its just so much better once you are together, new challenges, but none that involve being far away from one another

[Golden Gate 530]

When we first met we were talking every day for hours from May to August, but then he had to go back to work in the mountains for the school year, so that was a big shock to me - no electricity even where he lived. Eventually, we only talked for about 2-3 minutes in a phone call most nights and some times not even at all. I got rather tired of calling, because what can you say in that amount of time on a regular basis? Things do get a little redundant, so I understand how one might feel nothing is like face to face communication. I think the fact that you two can go with the flow of things and keep your relationship intact shows you are both on the same page and understanding each other.