What to do?

[OnlyOzzie 0]

First for the background. Been married for 4 years (Got married in 2010), living together for 1 yea(She just got permanent visa in June 2013 prior to that she was living in Mexico (Her home country)) Got her her permanent 10 year visa because it has been more than two years we were married when she came to the United states (She immigrated (From Mexico) on June of 2013). Waited almost 3 years before filing for her immigration papers because of my financial situation (I felt I wasn't going to be able to bring her n support her financially).

So the long story.... So I had a previous on n off sexual relationship with a girl here in the states. So in June of 2013 when my wife immigrated. I was stupid enough to continue the sexual relationship with the other girl here in the states. I know I was stupid and I know I will be judged by this but it was my biggest mistake. I know all of you will think what a dog I am an I admit it. I was a dog for getting married and bringing my wife into the states and continue my sexual relationship with this other girl her in the states. I did wrong and I admit it just like I admitted to my wife after she saw videos/pictures of the sexual acts between me n the girl on my cell phone.

Once again I know I am being judges by this too. But the girl didn't mean anything to me (I know you all might be thinking yeah right we heard it all). But with all honesty to me it was just sex. It was wild sex (A fantasy to wild sex) In fact I had the video/pictures on my phone to show my friends that I was having sex with this girl. I was being a cool bad ### guy (if your a guy you might be able to relate to this. This is not an excuse it's just how I felt about this girl. Just plain sexual pleasure girl... It was the egocentric ignorant macho bad ### guy that I was able to have sex with this girl. In other words my stupidity..

So my wife started to snoop on my phone (i guess she had a feeling or she was just snooping) and for that I am thankful because this made me end this sexual relationships with this girl.. I felt relieved by getting caught (i know again being judged by my stupidity). If I had not gotten caught (Who know for how long I would of continued this sexual relationships) This not an excuse but it was the sexual pleasure of the fantasy porn world. It was the f**k. No emotional pleasure just the sexual gratification that I would never do with my wife because it was like porn sex!

So I got caught and denied it. At the time I didn't know that my wife had seen the video/pictures. So when my wife started to tell me "be good" I knew something was wrong. My own conscious told me she knew of my sexual girl. So I told the girl no more that I was done that I was married and that I wanted to be a family with my wife. The girl said if that is what I wanted she respected that (Oh forgot to mention this sexual girl knew that I was married and that I lived with my wife).

So my wife, at the time I didn't know she knew about the girl (I was no longer with the girl cause I had ended it with her), would always get mad because I would get home 20/15/etv minutes late from work (Which later I found out she would get mad because she had already seen the video/pictures so she knew of the girl (That I had been with) but never said anything to me). we would constantly argue because she would accuse me and it was an everyday thing that would puss me off because it seems there wasn't a moment or day she would tell me. I'm sure your with someone that is why you didn't eat your lunch I packed, that is the reason your late, etc

During an argument she finally told me about the video/pictures in my phone. I again being stupid told her it was an old video/pictures that had transferred from my old phone when swapoed for my new phone that I had just got. I kept on lieing to try to cover my BIG MISTAKE. So I kept on lieing n lieng that I hadn't been with anyone that those were old video/pictures. So from that point forward it was constant arguements because of that. Anything happened she would bring up the video/pictures up. So to me it was her escape goat for everything (I was still stupid to feel that she was at fault for all our arguements we had. Because she would always bring the videos/pictures up)

After a few months of this constant argument (and me denying it). I felt I was the victim which I wasn't because what she had in her mind was the video/pictures. So she would always accuse me of being with someone etc) and I would get mad and we would argue. So I found out she was doing things (Essential things) and hiding them. She was meeting with people n would never say anything to me. One day I came home early n she wasn't home (We had just tested about 30 min earlier n she said she was home cleaning). When she got home with a girlfriend she was surprised. After the girl left I asked her and she told me the story but because all the other stuff she waz hiding and I was subconsciously accusing her of cheating because it was what I had done. I would do things in hiding and lie. So the arguments continue d. Every time we argued she would bring the video/pictures to the arguments.

So I talked to my wife n we decided to go to a marriage therapist. We went 1 time. I kept on denng that they were recent video/pictures even to the therapist (Stupid me). So my wife opened up and said she felt I was cheating (Which at that point it had been months since I had seen the other girl). The therapist asked me if it was true I said no. Then she asked me about the video/picture a I told her it was old from my old phone (i know I should have came clean at that point. But stupid me kept on dening and lieing about it). so the therapist said "Well if it's true or not.. there isn't much I can do because I can't prove it but the main thing here is to leave the past and start with a new beginning. The session ended there n we left. It was worse all the way home We didn't talk. We got home took showers n went to bed. Still the next day our conversations we dry n short. Just the yes no answers.

So later that day her ID arrived via the mail. I was shocked to see that she had gotten her ID n that she hadn't said anything to me about it. I was thinking who took her. How did she know where to go. I blew up (i realize it was my own conscious (of me doing things in the hiding while I was with the sexual girl) That made me feel as she was doing the same to me. My own conscious and my previous acts (being with that girl while living with my wife) made me feel insecure and I was guilty. It was sort of the what you did you think other do. Since I had that girl and would hide stuff then I thought my wife was doing it too.

So that day we got in a huge argument and told her why she was doing stuff in the hiding and that if she felt that she had to do things in the hiding that I didn't want that in my life. That I wanted trust and communication. So then she went on to tell me about trust. That I was wrong that I for sure had another girl. That she was tired of my lies and mysterious life (of course I had done that in the past because when I WAS with the girl I had to lie and try to make things up) That for sure I had another girl etc. So I got stupid defensive and said well if you think that then leave (She has her brother n sister in law live 45 min away). So she said ok called her sister in law n they picked her up.

While she was packing I felt bad. I was being stupid and tried to intimidate her with telling her to leave. So I tried talking to her no to leave and that I lived her. It was at this point she told me it all. That she had seen a text if me sending a picture of the girl naked to my friend several and that why had I been so unfair to her. To bring her from far away to do that to her. I felt like . I felt like the most miserable person in the world. I was putting my self in her scenario and felt like #######. So I pleaded for her to not leave n she left.

2 weeks later we spoke (during the two weeks she would not answer my text, calls or anything). So when we spoke I admitted to cheating but that I had no longer done it. That if she wanted to come back home. Then she opened up again and said that I made her feel like she was a huge problem to me. That she waz a burden financially and responsibility wise. That I would put her down. That I made her feel like she was nothing in my life. I was surprised to here all that. So I told her to come back home and we would both work on it. That we would go to church, I would no longer go out, a d for her to tell me when I was doing something she didn't like or if she felt I was attacking her in some way. That we would go to therapy again.

She came back home. We go to church, I stopped going out with my friends. I go to work n straight home. On several ocassions I come home late because of work but I text her or call her to let her know. That she can call me if she needs to. I opted out on the therapist (@ $175 a session that leaves a huge dent on the financial stuff). We moved from our old place to what I thought was a better place (which I just found out that's not her impression). She got a job.

She will still bring the whole past to our conversations which ends up in an argument because I continue to tell her to live the present and leave the past. That I screwed up for all the things that I did in the past but want her to focus in the present.

Since we moved, to what I thought was a better place, my financial responsability increased. So I'm on a tight budget.

3 weeks ago a new can of worms opened up. My sister shows up unexpectedly. Before she shows up my cousins had texted my wife about taking her to the mall shopping. Which I was pleased. I arrive home see my sister car in the drive way I was surprised. I walked in and there was my sister. I said jokingly what r u doing here. And she tells me we had made plans to go to my uncle's if I had forgotten. I was umm that is tomorrow not today. She then realized she was on the wrong day. Lol. So I walk into the kitchen to leave my lunch bag. And there was my wife. I can see her face she was angry. I asked her "What's wrong" she replied in an upset tone "Sorry your plans were ruined. I already text your cousin I'm not going with her and you can go ahead with you plans you have with your sister. I'm leaving. I'm tired of your lies of your mysterious life.". I was like "What r u talking about." My sister said "ok I'm out of here" n left. Well when my wife calmed down I asked what was all that about. N she said "Well u had plans with ur sister that is why you told ur cousins to pick me up to take me shopping" I had no clue what she waz talking about but after putting everything together o figured out what was going through her head. She was thinking I had told my cousin to take her so I can take off with my sister. Why she thought that is what surprised me. Everything bi have done in the past she comes with me (Except for work).

I tried explaining what had happened about the day mix up. She said she didn't want to hear it that she was done that she was leaving. I kept on tryin to explain to no solution. She gave the silent treatment until the next day that essentialy had to keep on insisting until she decide it was ok for her to talk to me.

No yesterday she got mad because she wanted to go to the laundromat but I got home a little late so there wouldn't be enough time to do the laundry. She gave .e the silent treatment. Cooked and never offered me food (Which in the past she always did). I didn't want to argue so I ignored it which no I see it made it worse.

All evening and night without talking to each other. So gassy I get up to drop her off at work and she says " I'm going on my own. I don't want to be a hassle to you. I font want you to unconvincing yourself on taking me". So I told her "What is your problem" and back she went and listed all the things I had done in the past. I told her I already admitted to all that you need to leave that in the past. After she was done I told her that I downtime all this argument. And she said Well go with your other girl. That is why we moved because your other girl knew where we lived and you don't want her to cause any problems. So we moved so she wouldn't know where we live. I was surprised. So I asked so we r going to continue like this. Argueing about everything and you bri up the same thini of the past over n over.. I don't like this n I'm sure you don't either. She replied "You should of thought about that before. I'm leaving just how you wanted me to. So you can be with your other girl" I didn't expect that. So I asked her "So ur saying that is it between us?" She said "Yeap you got what you wanted so much. Now you can be free and bring the other girl to live with you." So I told her "So this is it. This is what you want. To end our marriage?" She said "What marriage we r no a marriage. A married person would of never done what you are doing. Being with someone else". She left into the room cried a bit n went to sleep. I tried to go talk to her and she said" you should of thought about it before you did what your doing". That is the thing I'm not doing anything but she is stuck on the past. Everything I say, do is because I'm cheating or putting her down. So I asked again "So what does this mean?" She said " What you wanted. For me to leave. So I'm leaving. I don't know about the laws but your smart. You should know what paperwork is meeded".

What would you do?

Thanks n sorry for the long story....

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Wall of text, full of not so VJ-family friendly content.

Simple solution: file for divorce so that your wife could move on with her life.

She already has 10-year permanent green card, she is free to either stay here in US or go back to her home country.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

What would I do? Let my wife divorce me, get some therapy for my issues with deceit and spend a fair amount of time reflecting on why I thought it was okay to hurt someone I vowed to love and honour for the rest of my life. Also, I'd make sure to grow up a lot before even attempting to get into another relationship, whether purely physical or not.

[mamaSue 38]

Once trust is broken.....it never fully comes back.

When I found my husband of twenty-something years had been cheating with his best friend's wife for 2 years....I divorced him, because I didn't want the worry of where he is when he's a few minutes late home, who he's with, whatever.....Too much stress!!

She's got a 10 year GC....If she's got any sense, she'll divorce you, get citizenship after 5 years, and move on.

It's your fault she doesn't trust you, not hers!

[OnlyOzzie 0]

Thank you for your replies. I guess I will just do that. We r good a day then out of know Where she goes into her silent treatment and there is no stopping that. Like I said (for all of you thay said for her to divorce me) I know I efd up. So this is what I have to go through. Well it's well deserved. Apparently she is waiting for me to file the papers so I guess that is what I will have to do. I guess I will have to be the bad guy again. I know when I get the divorce papers she is going to tell me "I knew it that is what you wanted all this time. A divorce you were just waiting to divorce me" and I guess for the best for her and for me I will need to tell her "Yes". I feel teared apart but I know it doesn't compare to what she felt and is feeling. Now my next question how should I approach her about the divorce papers. She's going to think I'm kicking her out of the house (Which I guess at this point is not the biggest concer) but don't want to keep on hurting her.. :-( I love her and did the worst mistake a person can do. But my love is nothing now because as all of you are thinking "If you lived her you wouldn't done what you did"

[The Mean Lady 604]

If you feel as bad as you say you do, give her some money to be on her own so she isn't just kicked out being homeless.

You effed up big time. I would berate you for it, but I think what you're feeling inside is bad enough.

I hope you've learned something and are going to take steps to better yourself in hopes to have some kind of future relationship (with someone else).

Edited July 13, 2014 by The Mean Lady

[Caryh 5,206]

Its hard and sometimes impossible to put trust back in a relationship once it is broken. Doesn't look like its possible in your case now. You should have not skipped out on the counseling when you had the chance. It might have been rebuilt, much depends on the people involved if that was even possible in your case.