Visits seem cruel, sometimes *rant*

[Not a Tailor 1,370]

Please note that I have NO intention of actually staying here without my visa being approved, before you read anything more.

Just sometimes, the temptation to 'miss my plane' forever, rather than go 'home'? Is a bit overwhelming. I fly 'home' tomorrow and it feels like the furthest thing from home right now. Today, I sit at home with the dog while my wife is at work. It's peaceful. I miss her, because heck, how couldn't I? But she'll come home from work tonight, we'll make pizza or something, maybe watch some terrible reality shows on Netflix and go to bed.

Tomorrow we get up at the crack of dawn and put me on a plane to go to the fourth apartment I've lived in in the past eight or so months, in a city that I love and love to hate, not knowing when I'll get to return. And that apartment's never going to feel like home. Not ever. Every minute I'm there feels like a minute wasted.

I know it's only been two months since we put in the paperwork. We're still well within normal processing times, etc etc. I shouldn't complain. But it's like a sharp spark of cruelty to visit, in some ways. A tantalizing taste that makes the wait a thousand times harder, not easier. The loneliness alleviated for a shining, bright moment, like a shot of painkiller after surgery, that makes it all the worse when it comes crashing back like an unending fog.

In a few weeks, I'll calm down and the waiting won't seem so bad. I'll settle into routines--dinners with friends, making a point of visiting my favourite parts of the city to build up a bank of memories of the things I'll miss. It'll be okay. I'll be able to go back to checking my case status once a day rather than clicking it a dozen times a day, hoping against hope for a change in the status, a change that I consciously know is at least three months away, refreshing the page in case the click didn't go through properly. But that's weeks of waiting away.

And the next visit is months away. There's not even much I can be doing to get ready for NVC yet, next month I'll start, but I don't want to take the risk of some piece of paperwork being too old by the time I get to the interview, so not yet. She's not abroad with me, my country has stability and safety, there's no reason for an autoexpedite and my case is not different in any extenuating manner to qualify me for an expedite. If heartache was a good enough reason, every case here would be expedited and no one would be waiting, so at best, I may get USCIS approval in another three months. At worst? Well. Everyone here knows.

I need to go back to work. I need to go cuddle my cat and my rats who are probably missing me desperately. I need to do these things. But all I want is to stay. To miss my plane over and over, avoid the cruelty that is that ride down the road to the airport. I'm here, now. Why can't I just stay? It's not fair. This process isn't fair to any of us, I get that. It sucks. It's annoying. I'm not entitled to this, I'm not a citizen of this country, etc etc. But that doesn't change how unfair it feels to be sitting here, knowing that twenty-four hours from now, I'll be halfway home and I won't see her again until at least Christmas because of work schedules.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

[aaron2020 11,651]

Hi,

Sorry that you are feeling down.

Instead of looking at your visits as cruel, consider how many couples can not even visit during the immigration process.

Many couples who can not visit each other would consider you very lucky.

It's all in how you look at things and sometimes you will realize that you have it better than most other people.

[NikLR 13,227]

[Not a Tailor 1,370]

Hi,

Sorry that you are feeling down.

Instead of looking at your visits as cruel, consider how many couples can not even visit during the immigration process.

Many couples who can not visit each other would consider you very lucky.

It's all in how you look at things and sometimes you will realize that you have it better than most other people.

Funnily enough, as someone whose relationship wasn't considered valid by the US government and therefore had NO HOPE of ever being with their partner until almost exactly one year ago, I am well aware of how lucky I am.

Oddly, knowing that other people have it worse doesn't make my feelings dry up and disappear. Could it be that feelings are irrational?

I have it better than SOME people, those who are unable to visit, for a certain measure of the word 'better.' I also have it much worse than MANY people, those who were fortunate enough to find a partner who lived in their own country.

And believe it or not, hurt is still hurt, even if someone else hurts. I'd love to say that it didn't hurt to visit, knowing the whole time that it's a momentary reprieve. But the fact is? It hurts WAY more when the visit's over than it does when there's no visit for a long time. When there's no visit for a long time, you settle into a kind of routine. A routine of waiting, where your life is settled and calm and you're just counting time. In the time immediately following the visit, the routine is violated and missing your partner hurts more.

Sorry if that doesn't fit into how you see it.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Funnily enough, as someone whose relationship wasn't considered valid by the US government and therefore had NO HOPE of ever being with their partner until almost exactly one year ago, I am well aware of how lucky I am.

Oddly, knowing that other people have it worse doesn't make my feelings dry up and disappear. Could it be that feelings are irrational?

I have it better than SOME people, those who are unable to visit, for a certain measure of the word 'better.' I also have it much worse than MANY people, those who were fortunate enough to find a partner who lived in their own country.

And believe it or not, hurt is still hurt, even if someone else hurts. I'd love to say that it didn't hurt to visit, knowing the whole time that it's a momentary reprieve. But the fact is? It hurts WAY more when the visit's over than it does when there's no visit for a long time. When there's no visit for a long time, you settle into a kind of routine. A routine of waiting, where your life is settled and calm and you're just counting time. In the time immediately following the visit, the routine is violated and missing your partner hurts more.

Sorry if that doesn't fit into how you see it.

Uh, I think he was just trying to cheer you up. Not tell you how to feel.

[aaron2020 11,651]

Funnily enough, as someone whose relationship wasn't considered valid by the US government and therefore had NO HOPE of ever being with their partner until almost exactly one year ago, I am well aware of how lucky I am.

Oddly, knowing that other people have it worse doesn't make my feelings dry up and disappear. Could it be that feelings are irrational?

I have it better than SOME people, those who are unable to visit, for a certain measure of the word 'better.' I also have it much worse than MANY people, those who were fortunate enough to find a partner who lived in their own country.

And believe it or not, hurt is still hurt, even if someone else hurts. I'd love to say that it didn't hurt to visit, knowing the whole time that it's a momentary reprieve. But the fact is? It hurts WAY more when the visit's over than it does when there's no visit for a long time. When there's no visit for a long time, you settle into a kind of routine. A routine of waiting, where your life is settled and calm and you're just counting time. In the time immediately following the visit, the routine is violated and missing your partner hurts more.

Sorry if that doesn't fit into how you see it.

I was not telling you how to feel or discount your feelings. You are entitled to them.

What I was trying to do is look at how green the grass is on your side versus what others are going through.

Life is how you look at things.

If you want others to have empathy for your situation, then have empathy for others.

You stated that MANY people who find their partners in their own countries are luckier than you and that there are only SOME people are less lucky than you because they can't visit. How can you compare your immigration process versus people who don't have to go through it? Shouldn't you just consider the people who have to go through the immigration process?

Since you think visiting is cruel while not being able to visit is better because people settle into a routine, then simply stop visiting the US. Problem solved and you can slip into the comfort of not visiting.

Do you realize that many of us are separated from our love ones without being able to visit? How much sympathy should we give to you telling us that we will slip into comfort being separated without being able to visit while you complain about how visiting is cruel?

I was trying to get you to see the grass is greener on your side. You think it's better on our side where we can't visit. Sorry about this blunt response, but you are not sympathic when you continue to complain about how much better it is for us when we can't visit our love ones while you can.

Wrong forum to complain how your visits are cruel and our separation is comforting because we will get used to it.

[gwenstar 66]

And believe it or not, hurt is still hurt, even if someone else hurts. I'd love to say that it didn't hurt to visit, knowing the whole time that it's a momentary reprieve. But the fact is? It hurts WAY more when the visit's over than it does when there's no visit for a long time. When there's no visit for a long time, you settle into a kind of routine. A routine of waiting, where your life is settled and calm and you're just counting time. In the time immediately following the visit, the routine is violated and missing your partner hurts more.

Makes sense...letting yourself feel the sadness or hurt is good and doesn't need to be rationalized. Feelings are not logical...! I get where you are coming, it was similar feelings for us. Seems like as soon as it felt "normal" to be in the same space at the same time, the trip would be over. I am super lucky in so many ways and am grateful that the visa journey, while longer than anticipated, went smoothly. Doesn't mean it wasn't hard and painful.

I am sure there are many people who can relate and thanks for sharing/venting a bit about what you are going through. That's part of what this board is for. I am glad that you are able to now go through the process of getting your visa and be with your love! Keep your chin up and I wish you both the best

[JIJourney 96]

Though I agree and disagree with you. Me, being from Military roots, patience has grown on me. From even getting approved to take "Leave" or a random deployment coming up, it sucks. It really does. But just be optimistic.

When the love is strong, it becomes too easy. She will be waiting for you on the other side.