What would you do?

[Lindac 3]

Please please VJers tell me what to do!

I've been in a (same-sex) relationship with this woman from the UK. Met her when she was just dumped by her younger girlfriend. (I am quite a lot younger than her too but that isn't an issue to me). I thought I just talked with her to make her feel better because she sounded really miserable, considering leaving the country, selling the house, quitting her job and everything.

After some time she told me she loved me. I didn't say I loved her back, even though by then I had developed quite strong feelings for her. She kept telling me she loved me and wanted to hear that from me too. She would cry if I didn't say so. I was afraid that she was just on the rebound and was using me to get over or get even with the other girl.

Anyways, I told her I loved her, and I really do love her. The relationship has gone on for about a year and a half. She says she's willing to move to the US if I don't want to move to the UK. I don't really want to move to the UK because I just immigrated to the US not very long ago and am in the middle of everything: getting settled, going to college...And we agreed that she would move here. I've been getting the petition package ready to bring her here.

However, yes, I hate this "however", why there must always be a "however"? In early April, she said her ex, who was with someone else already, contacted her and wanted to see her to "talk". My girlfriend and I were constantly in touch, online. She said she would go crazy if not hearing from me for an hour. Pretty much the same for me. She messaged and called me constantly that evening, until her ex arrived at 11 pm. I didn't hear from her for hours. Then at 5 am I messaged her. She didn't responded. Then at around 6 am she called me, saying her ex girlfriend had just left. They had so much to "sort out" in order to become "friends". (They had never been friends.)

I was extremely hurt. But she promised they were just friends and as I loved her so much I couldn't let her go. After a few days we were back to normal.

But since then I have seen the other girl frequently commenting on my girlfriend's facebook, always with kisses and cuddles and everything. That really bothers me, to the point I told her I was not comfortable with her talking to her ex. She said she would not and she didn't have any feelings for that girl. All she wanted was me, no one else.

But I still saw stuff made posted by the other girl on my girlfriend's facebook. My girlfriend never said anything back in public. That raised a red flag in me because if my girlfriend totally ignored the other girl she would not go on posting on her timeline. They must have been communicating.

I couldn't stand the suspicion any more. I logged in to her facebook account (which I had the password to), and voila! They had been chatting on a daily basis, the conversations were always initiated by my girlfriend. Every time my girlfriend told the other girl she missed her, she loved her and would always love her. My heart was crushed. I couldn't breathe for minutes. I thought I was dying.

I didn't say anything about that. I just stopped communication with my girlfriend. But she went crazy. She asked me what happened, if I had found someone else, she said she was going to die if I didn't respond. I told her I knew she had been talking with her ex-girlfriend and had been lying to me. She denied that. She said she never talked to that girl. I knew she did, and it was not a prank by the other girl, because they were the conversations between two people, my girlfriend was one of them: she took selfies and sent them to the other girl, she told the other girl about her everyday life.

But she cried so much. I couldn't stand her tears. I loved her! I said I didn't want to come across and a control freak but I couldn't deal with her talking with the other girl, because when we met she was still in love with her, especially the incident on that night in April. I said I was not telling her who to talk to and who not to. I just couldn't deal with that, and I would have to go if she kept communicating with her ex. She said as I was so important to her that she couldn't live without me, she would never do it again, would never initiate a conversation, would never respond to any of the texts, or messages, or calls from the other girl.

I really love this woman and will do anything for her, except accepting the fact that she still communicates with her ex. We hardly ever fought, until I saw the facebook messages between them. And it was about two weeks ago. Sometimes I brought that up again, she would cry again, accusing me of hurting her, that she had promised not to talk to her ex any more and I should trust her and never to mention it.

Things went smoothly for over a week, until today, I sensed something was wrong. I logged into her facebook account again, and darn, I saw the same stuff, just made recently, every day, until today: still "I miss you", "I will always miss you"... And they call each other pet names. (The other girl is still with her girlfriend).

I almost hurt myself. The pain is too much. I don't know what to do. I was totally fine before I met her. I'm not the kind of person who will die if not finding a partner. But then she made me fall in love with her and now there is a void which was never there before, which nothing can fill.

I don't know what to do. I can't petition for her now, because I can't be heart-broken for the rest of my life. But I don't know how to let this woman go.

I'm feeling worse than dead.

Please please share with me what you think about this.

Thank you

(I just pour my heart out here, I don't have the guts to look back at what I've typed so typos are inevitable.)

[Newbie608 103]

I'm sorry you have to go through all that. I would just find a way to heal and move on. There is a good chance that she will continue talking to the other woman and lie to you about so I wouldn't even waste time and money on filing a petition for her.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

my first thought? You are just the rebound girl.

Sorry for all your pain You deserve better.

[kzielu 1,147]

Don't know much about same-sex relationship but to me it's clear you're being used and your girlfriend (sorry) is very unstable or even worse. Seems like very unhealthy relationship even without the stuff you found out about her. Move on.

[Karee 4,189]

Is there an immigration question? If not. this should probably be moved to OT.

[patou70 6]

Move on... it will get worst once she is here..its better to let go now then to cry later...

[eieio 1,594]

She has shown you her true colors. This is your life. Do you want this your whole life?

If you stay with her you can only blame yourself for your future life of hell.

Make wise decisions.

Good luck.

[Lindac 3]

She's been crying and crying, as she always does. My heart is broken to pieces. She's killed me by betraying my trust and making a joke of my love. But her tears... Her tears just make me want to succumb.

I know if I continued with this I would only ask for tragedies. But letting go is bloody difficult! Is there any kind of pill that I can take to forget about her?

Edited June 20, 2014 by Iloveher

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

@Iloveher: this has green card fraud written all over it. Backwards, forwards and in 20 different languages. Maybe she did love you initially, but not anymore. She wants you so she can get her green card, break up with you, and bring her ex over and they can both happily live ever after in the United States. I would just dump her like a bad habit! Seriously. As much as you love her, you cannot force love. And you cannot expect her to love you. If she doesn't love you, she doesn't. You have to just move on! You'll find someone who loves you for who you are regardless of your citizenship/status. She is basically right now marrying your passport, not you! Please, please, please, you don't want to be in this vicious circle...in the end you'll be the one second guessing yourself for years to come instead of being in a healthy relationship where there's no messing around, and your partner loves you, and only YOU! Move on! I don't know you, but it sounds you are a great person, so I'm pretty sure you'll find others relatively quickly who you'll have fun with, and who will be the best by your side. You'll never have to think about what kind of messages she'll have on her facebook account, or as a text message, or an email, or phone conversation. She'll be with you in all aspects! I'm so sorry for you!!! And I do hope you'll remove her quickly from your life, and you'll find someone way more worthy! All the best!

[Lindac 3]

AnotherLostsoul,

Thank you for sharing with me. But I don't think she's after US citizenship. She's 50 now (I'm 30). Her life's been established in the UK. She has a job, which she hates, to be honest, but at least it's a job, which helps her pay the bills. She has friends and family there.

If she moved here things would be very hard for her. But she said she was willing to, so I kinda believed that she loved me.

But then why the ex? Apparently the ex was not the right person for her, she was in her early 20s and had dumped her for someone of the same age, a 20-something. Why did she lie to me? What does she get out of this? If she moved here I would find out and we would break up anyways, then we both would waste our time and and be hurt even more.

Why is she doing this???

Edited June 20, 2014 by Iloveher

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

@Iloveher: I don't think age explains whether she was not up for citizenship. There are many people being that old and still want to come to the US and "start over" even though they are 50!!! But even if this was not the case, and let's say it is not for the sake of this conversation, it is clear cut that she doesn't not solely interested in you. And if you already have these signs right at the "beginning" of your journey I still believe you are better off finding someone else and leave her behind. I know, this is easier said than done, but I don't see how this relationship will be long lasting, and HONEST! In my book, honesty is very very important. My spouse is away most of his time, he sometimes calls me, or emails me that he'll be meeting up with his friends for dinner etc (his work makes him travel all the time) and I never ever for a second think that he might be having some sort of relationship with a woman there. He tells me stories about this and that lady and yet I still never ever second guessing that he might be saying all that because he finds joy with them, but not with me. I know he is very honest, and if it came to it, I would be the first person to be told in the face that he isn't so into me anymore, and that he is having some sort of relationship with some other lady. I know this! I know lack of honesty will never be an issue in our case ever. While, in my opinion, honesty has long time sailed in your relationship and this is something you won't be able to fix, or change. It takes two people to deeply be in a relationship. If you want a relationship, you think about getting in touch with someone to the depth your partner is in right now with her ex. Maybe I'm being negative, but I really don't think this relationship should be forced further. I really do think it has run its course. If it was just one time thing I would've said talk to her, and see if she is willing to change things so that she doesn't have to risk of losing you. The fact this happened later on after you trying to talk to her indicates (to me) that she is willing to risk her relationship with you...and that indicates (again, to me) that for her that relationship worth as much as risking the relationship with you. It is not a real relationship with you anymore. The past "amor" has been rekindled and she is busy enjoying that! Again, this is just my opinion, and it is really up to you...I just wouldn't want myself in a relationship where I have to second guess everything and keep trying and trying on something that is clearly slipping away...I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship like that. And since you are in your 30s, you still can find someone who'll love you and will appreciate your relationship so much that never even for a second would do anything that would jeopardize that...All the best!

AnotherLostsoul,

Thank you for sharing with me. But I don't think she's after US citizenship. She's 50 now (I'm 30). Her life's been established in the UK. She has a job, which she hates, to be honest, but at least it's a job, which helps her pay the bills. She has friends and family there.

If she moved here things would be very hard for her. But she said she was willing to, so I kinda believed that she loved me.

But then why the ex? Apparently the ex was not the right person for her, she was in he 20s and had dumped her for someone of the same age, 20-something. Why did she lie to me? What would she get? If she moved here I would find out and we would break up, then we both would waste time and and be hurt. Why is she doing this???

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

sorry for some typos I'm lazy to fix 'em! >.<

[Lindac 3]

Thank you for the analysis and advice, AnotherLostsoul. The feeling of being used is so real that I could touch it, but then I can't understand why she's doing this to me, and to herself.

[lilsadie 50]

Please please VJers tell me what to do!

I've been in a (same-sex) relationship with this woman from the UK. Met her when she was just dumped by her younger girlfriend. (I am quite a lot younger than her too but that isn't an issue to me). I thought I just talked with her to make her feel better because she sounded really miserable, considering leaving the country, selling the house, quitting her job and everything.

After some time she told me she loved me. I didn't say I loved her back, even though by then I had developed quite strong feelings for her. She kept telling me she loved me and wanted to hear that from me too. She would cry if I didn't say so. I was afraid that she was just on the rebound and was using me to get over or get even with the other girl.

Anyways, I told her I loved her, and I really do love her. The relationship has gone on for about a year and a half. She says she's willing to move to the US if I don't want to move to the UK. I don't really want to move to the UK because I just immigrated to the US not very long ago and am in the middle of everything: getting settled, going to college...And we agreed that she would move here. I've been getting the petition package ready to bring her here.

However, yes, I hate this "however", why there must always be a "however"? In early April, she said her ex, who was with someone else already, contacted her and wanted to see her to "talk". My girlfriend and I were constantly in touch, online. She said she would go crazy if not hearing from me for an hour. Pretty much the same for me. She messaged and called me constantly that evening, until her ex arrived at 11 pm. I didn't hear from her for hours. Then at 5 am I messaged her. She didn't responded. Then at around 6 am she called me, saying her ex girlfriend had just left. They had so much to "sort out" in order to become "friends". (They had never been friends.)

I was extremely hurt. But she promised they were just friends and as I loved her so much I couldn't let her go. After a few days we were back to normal.

But since then I have seen the other girl frequently commenting on my girlfriend's facebook, always with kisses and cuddles and everything. That really bothers me, to the point I told her I was not comfortable with her talking to her ex. She said she would not and she didn't have any feelings for that girl. All she wanted was me, no one else.

But I still saw stuff made posted by the other girl on my girlfriend's facebook. My girlfriend never said anything back in public. That raised a red flag in me because if my girlfriend totally ignored the other girl she would not go on posting on her timeline. They must have been communicating.

I couldn't stand the suspicion any more. I logged in to her facebook account (which I had the password to), and voila! They had been chatting on a daily basis, the conversations were always initiated by my girlfriend. Every time my girlfriend told the other girl she missed her, she loved her and would always love her. My heart was crushed. I couldn't breathe for minutes. I thought I was dying.

I didn't say anything about that. I just stopped communication with my girlfriend. But she went crazy. She asked me what happened, if I had found someone else, she said she was going to die if I didn't respond. I told her I knew she had been talking with her ex-girlfriend and had been lying to me. She denied that. She said she never talked to that girl. I knew she did, and it was not a prank by the other girl, because they were the conversations between two people, my girlfriend was one of them: she took selfies and sent them to the other girl, she told the other girl about her everyday life.

But she cried so much. I couldn't stand her tears. I loved her! I said I didn't want to come across and a control freak but I couldn't deal with her talking with the other girl, because when we met she was still in love with her, especially the incident on that night in April. I said I was not telling her who to talk to and who not to. I just couldn't deal with that, and I would have to go if she kept communicating with her ex. She said as I was so important to her that she couldn't live without me, she would never do it again, would never initiate a conversation, would never respond to any of the texts, or messages, or calls from the other girl.

I really love this woman and will do anything for her, except accepting the fact that she still communicates with her ex. We hardly ever fought, until I saw the facebook messages between them. And it was about two weeks ago. Sometimes I brought that up again, she would cry again, accusing me of hurting her, that she had promised not to talk to her ex any more and I should trust her and never to mention it.

Things went smoothly for over a week, until today, I sensed something was wrong. I logged into her facebook account again, and darn, I saw the same stuff, just made recently, every day, until today: still "I miss you", "I will always miss you"... And they call each other pet names. (The other girl is still with her girlfriend).

I almost hurt myself. The pain is too much. I don't know what to do. I was totally fine before I met her. I'm not the kind of person who will die if not finding a partner. But then she made me fall in love with her and now there is a void which was never there before, which nothing can fill.

I don't know what to do. I can't petition for her now, because I can't be heart-broken for the rest of my life. But I don't know how to let this woman go.

I'm feeling worse than dead.

Please please share with me what you think about this.

Thank you

(I just pour my heart out here, I don't have the guts to look back at what I've typed so typos are inevitable.)

I feel for you so much. Is this your first same sex relationship? Ive been in your exact situation before (with out the immigration part) its one of the most intense, heart breaking things to go through. I think that sometimes when 2 women fall in love after a long or intense friendship feelings get confused. Its easy to fall in love with your best friend because the feelings seem so real and intense when in fact all it should ever have been is a friendship. Im not saying your love is not legitimate at all but she doesnt sound ready to move on from her ex. This will drive a wedge into the relationship and ruin it for both of you. The lying is the worst part. If she was honest with her communication with her ex then you could maybe of worked through it, but the lying is what would put an end to it for me.

You need to make a decision and cut off all contact. Block her from fb. Ask her to change her password so you cant check it. Change your number. Its the only way ive been able to move on in the past. Cutting off ties, living in a shell for a few weeks. Your in a new country, make new friends and enjoy where you are now. Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat about anything. Its so hard and I do uunderstand but when something turns toxic and the trust is gone you need to find the strength to move on.

[Lindac 3]

I have been with men before, Lilsadie. I don't really care if it's a man or a woman, I have just happened to fall in love with individuals who happen to fall into either of the categories: male or female.

I feel exhausted. I will write you tomorrow.