Please Help- Pregnant and US Husband cheated

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I do find it a little ironic that when anyone asks how they go about bringing children to the States from a previous relationship there are never any thoughts about the fathers rights or how a child needs their father.

But as soon as someone suggests having a child outside of the US away from an unreliable husband these things all get brought up.

To the OP, good luck back at home. If all the decent Aussie blokes aren't already in London then I hope you meet someone who can be your childs daddy.

If your ex-husband wants to visit, let him travel to you.

I do indeed bring it up.

There is a clear difference between flight and getting either full legal custody or an agreement with the left behind parent.

Children do need both parents. History will judge us all for our decisions.

Best of luck to the child.

[cdneh 3,112]

No. A child needs good parents. Not just any parent. One good one can have all that good work undone by one that is a lying, cheating, underhanded toe rag. Just the sort her soon to be ex has proved himself to be. Not the sort of influence any little child needs. And we don't know what will happen down the road, do we. She might meet and marry a man prepared to be an actual, genuine stand up kind of man.

[MacUK 983]

I do indeed bring it up.

There is a clear difference between flight and getting either full legal custody or an agreement with the left behind parent.

Children do need both parents. History will judge us all for our decisions.

Best of luck to the child.

Children don't need both parents, they need people around them that love and care for them.

The child would probably be better off living in Australia with mother and family than in the US with a mother who doesn't want to be there and maybe no family support whatsoever, the OP doesn't mention what her ex-husband-to-bes family thinks.

[cdneh 3,112]

Children don't need both parents, they need people around them that love and care for them.

The child would probably be better off living in Australia with mother and family than in the US with a mother who doesn't want to be there and maybe no family support whatsoever, the OP doesn't mention what her ex-husband-to-bes family thinks.

She does.

...his family have decided to hide from this situation and wont call me or check up on me. I have tried everything- and I was even considering coming back after giving birth to my baby girl in May....

[Sandra G. 5,021]

If you decide to stay mind the battle to take your child abroad,even if you decided to have the baby in your home Country once you step up in American soil with the child if the father decides to ask DNA test and once confirmed is his child done you just take the child back to your home Country with the father's permission or with some Court order.

[Caryh 5,206]

No. A child needs good parents. Not just any parent. One good one can have all that good work undone by one that is a lying, cheating, underhanded toe rag. Just the sort her soon to be ex has proved himself to be. Not the sort of influence any little child needs. And we don't know what will happen down the road, do we. She might meet and marry a man prepared to be an actual, genuine stand up kind of man.

I'll agree with you a child needs good parents. But one thing about most divorces, you rarely see one party talking well of the other party. He might just be a lying, cheating, underhanded toe rag, or he might be a lot better than his ex to be is saying. Its easy to see every fault in a person when things fall apart, its a lot harder to see the positives. But no doubt she did see them at one time. Also down the road, she might again pick out another lying, cheating, underhanded toe rag to be this child's father figure. Lets hope not, but people often repeat those kind of mistakes for some reason.

In this case, with the baby not born, she is within her legal rights to move home. She'll could lose that opportunity if she waits until the child is born and the father wants to be a part of its life, or even if he just wants to be spiteful. If she's going to be a single primary caretaker of a child, its good to have good family backing you up.

[rade2rising 205]

You should give your husband a second chance....everyone make mistakes...too many hateful female members on here calling your husband names...I bet if it was them they could never follow the advise they are spouting.

[Golden Gate 530]

You don't give a second chance to a person who, first of all, is STILL cheating on you with another woman while you are pregnant with his child and when you have only just arrived in this country, and second of all, is threatening you. No woman should put up with threats from a man. It isn't hating on a man, it is self-preservation. Sorry, some of you men have no empathy for a woman in that position but purely have empathy for the one creating the problem in the first place. She came to this country to be with him, and he is xxxing another woman. Those are the facts. Oh, and I followed the advice I am spouting, and I would never go back again to the person whom I couldn't trust, even I tried. By the way, she is listening to her own instincts, not other people. Her own instinct is to not trust him, because unless you are a woman, you can't possibly understand what it feels like to be pregnant and have your spouse xxxing another woman. You have no idea. He has betrayed her in the biggest way possible and that behavior is abusive. You can't compromise with an abuser and you shouldn't. Any counselor she sees will tell her the same thing. Abusers stay abusers unless they get help for themselves.

Edited January 17, 2014 by Golden Gate

[Golden Gate 530]

I tried to go back to my abuser, thinking he would change, it must be my fault, blah blah blah, but you know what? The cycle of abuse continued and my participating in it only endangered my children more. Thank God I had the sense to get out. What a joke giving this man a second chance. Try being a woman and see how it feels to be abused in such a way.

[altonbebe 48]

Girl, get on the plane and fly out of here.

You do not want to have the child here and get caught up in the courts. It can battle on for years.

To all the people who say it is wrong for the the child to not have the father in his/her life. That it will do damage.

There is no greater damage to a child than watching parents fight it out in court. You think a child does not feel what is going on. Guess again. It is tramtic being tossed from one car to the next during parking lot vehicle exchanges. I see it all the time.

You know the number one thing I never see on these childrens faces. A SMILE.

I find it simply unforgivable for a man to cheat on a woman and then come home and have sex with his wife and possibly infecting her with STD or worse HIV.

Anyone ever see someone die from HIV / AIDS? I have. It is not a pretty

And then another freind of mine. This happened to her : She was to a marry a man she loved very much. Yeah, he cheated with his exwife while with my freind. Unknowing to him, the exwife was banging the garderner. Yeah, guess what, Garderner gave the ex wife a nice little life time present. STD. Then it went to him, and then to my freind.

And if that wasn't bad enough, they flew to my friends parents house so she could introduce him to her parents. She stayed behind for several more days. He flew back. By time she got back, he had met another woman, flew to a different state altogether, and married. Then my freind found out about the little life time present she caught. Now that ain't messed up, I do not know what is.

As far as I am concerned, he has RISKED your life and that of your unborn child. It is no different then getting in a car and driving reckless.

So yeah, get yourself tested now. Get on the plane.

Oh and one other thing, DO NOT mention to him your leaving. He could get an attny to file an injunction on you baring you from leaving the U.S.

Yeah, I know there will be a few people here that will comment on this post.

Honestly, I really do not care.

Take your unborn child, go back to your motherland, heal your wounded heart, and when your ready, let a REAL MAN in your heart, in your life, and in your daughters life.

Good luck to you.

[Kaylara 814]

You should give your husband a second chance....everyone make mistakes...too many hateful female members on here calling your husband names...I bet if it was them they could never follow the advise they are spouting.

Screwing another woman is not a "mistake". Unless they were walking around naked and he accidentally tripped and fell on the other woman... over and over again. On multiple occasions. That "boys will be boys" ####### doesn't fly. Men should be responsible for their own actions. That's not hateful, it's called being an adult.

He chose to cheat. He chose to be abusive. He doesn't deserve another chance. No forgiveness. No second chances. Why should she continue to give a man who has been cheating on her during the entirety of her relationship and now has become abusive, more chances to cheat and abuse her? Forget that. She needs to take care of herself and her unborn child. If he'd cared about his wife or child, he never would have behaved like this in the first place. It's not HER job to fix what HE broke.

Oh, and you're entirely wrong. I'd leave my husband in a flash if he behaved like that towards me, and he's probably be limping from the encounter. AND I'd make sure he didn't get the kids. AND I'd still get alimony and child support. (Dutch laws!) I also get half of everything that we own.

When I was living in NL, I found out that a friend's husband had cheated on her, and was talking about it with my husband. My friend just kept giving her husband chances, and he just kept on cheating on her, sneaking around, and when caught, trying to blame my friend for his cheating because "Sometimes you're not very nice to me." My husband was horrified. I was livid. I told him that if he'd done that to me, he'd find all of his in the mud puddle in the front yard and I'd take him for every cent I could. He said "I never expected anything less."

Anyone who thinks they can treat their spouse like that doesn't deserve to have their spouse anymore.

OP, good luck with getting back to Australia, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that your family is coming to help you. In the meantime, do you have anyone else you can stay with? If he's started being abusive, I fear that it will escalate the closer your departure date comes. Being heavily pregnant, and having ended the relationship puts you at an much increased risk for physical violence from him. If you start feeling like you might be in danger, don't ignore that feeling. Just get out. You don't owe an explanation to anyone.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I'll agree with you a child needs good parents. But one thing about most divorces, you rarely see one party talking well of the other party. He might just be a lying, cheating, underhanded toe rag, or he might be a lot better than his ex to be is saying. Its easy to see every fault in a person when things fall apart, its a lot harder to see the positives. But no doubt she did see them at one time. Also down the road, she might again pick out another lying, cheating, underhanded toe rag to be this child's father figure. Lets hope not, but people often repeat those kind of mistakes for some reason.

In this case, with the baby not born, she is within her legal rights to move home. She'll could lose that opportunity if she waits until the child is born and the father wants to be a part of its life, or even if he just wants to be spiteful. If she's going to be a single primary caretaker of a child, its good to have good family backing you up.

Let me understand this, good father and good husband are not mutually exclusive?

Let's assume that he's a lying, cheating, underhanded, toe rag but as a husband (I mean the child is not even born yet) does that instantly makes him a bad father? Aren't we jumping the gun a tad bit by removing all almost all possibility of him having a relationship wit the child just because he happened to be a crappy husband?

[Golden Gate 530]

He proved his fatherly or lack there of abilities with the fact that he already has another child with another woman and has taken no responsibility for that child, as per the OP.

[MacUK 983]

Let me understand this, good father and good husband are not mutually exclusive?

Let's assume that he's a lying, cheating, underhanded, toe rag but as a husband (I mean the child is not even born yet) does that instantly makes him a bad father? Aren't we jumping the gun a tad bit by removing all almost all possibility of him having a relationship wit the child just because he happened to be a crappy husband?

So you're saying that the mother should have no choice whatsoever where she can live?

If he wants to be a good father he can always go to Australia to do it or is it only non USCs that should ever move country?

[Caryh 5,206]

Let me understand this, good father and good husband are not mutually exclusive?

Let's assume that he's a lying, cheating, underhanded, toe rag but as a husband (I mean the child is not even born yet) does that instantly makes him a bad father? Aren't we jumping the gun a tad bit by removing all almost all possibility of him having a relationship wit the child just because he happened to be a crappy husband?

I think you totally misunderstood my post Gowon. I said nothing at all about his fitness as a father. He could make an excellent father if he cared to, I have no idea if he could be or not. I just pointed out that she legally has the right to return to her country right now. And if she has a supportive family, that be a big help to her as a single mother. Her legal rights, are her legal rights period. I got into no discussion of what I feel is morally right. But then this guy totally screwed up by cheating, and continuing to cheat. She was even willing to work on the marriage, basically give him that second chance. But he didn't go for it. So I can surmise, he cares little about the op, his marriage, or being a part of his child's life. Unless he's totally stupid and doesn't realize she can leave and go home before the child is born.

I also pointed out this guy might be a lot better person than is currently being portrayed by the OP. People in divorces and breakups see things with rather negative views, and also do some pretty stupid stuff they don't normally do.

Edited January 17, 2014 by Caryh