Married yesterday on K1, now my new wife wants to leave to go back home.

[slowlyman 118]

I've seen that reaction many times. They see the USC spending money in their own country like its nothing. But these people are on vacation and its costing a fraction of what it would cost back in America. The new spouse then is in disbelief the money doesn't flow like it did before. Some times this is the fault of the USC, and sometimes the immigrant who didn't believe when told that there wouldn't be money to spend like this at home in the USA. often its never even brought up, and assumptions work as they do.

I was actually completely honest about my financial situation before hand. I explained exactly what I would and would not be able to do for her. But she had the Hollywood vision of US life in her head.

[DreamNHope 9]

This infuriates me. I think it is unfair for you that she's acting like this. Why did she even bother getting a k1 visa if she wants to go home anyways. She's acting like a child.

Don't be mad! When people get things too easily, they'll NEVER appreciate the real value of those things. Only when you work hard, and earn things with sweat and blood, then you'll learn how to appreciate things you've earned.

In other words, spoiled and rotten children will NEVER learn to appreciate the value of their toys! They think they can get whatever toys they want at any time.

MAKE THEM EARN THEIR TOYS!

OP, tell your wife for some other people, they traded their lives for the freedom here in the US. (Google "Vietnamese boat people of the 1980's). Your wife got the Visa too easily; therefore, she thinks she can come and go anytime she's pleased. For the millions of Americans that are unemployed at the moment, do they gotta run elsewhere while being bored to death at home? I just laugh at certain people with the concept of " I'm too bored and the universe has to evolve around me!".

Grow the %#%#%#%# up! Noone cares!

[AmyWrites 593]

Don't see why the option that she scammed him seems so far-fetched. Depending on where she is, she might need to take to flights back to the Phils.... so.... say first flight in Texas, layover in NYC. She can just leave in a layover city. act like she's abroad.

[Tahoma 2,291]

Tuck...Your wife appears to be very homesick and disillusioned. You seem to be trying to help her adjust. I just hope she's mature enough to work through her issues.

I don't have any advice to add because I think you already got some good advice in this thread, and because Chinook and I never went through anything like this. I wish the best for both of you.

[slowlyman 118]

94 posts. Lol. I don;t know if we are helping the OP, but we sure got a good conversation going.

[Ilovemyman 147]

I've seen that reaction many times. They see the USC spending money in their own country like its nothing. But these people are on vacation and its costing a fraction of what it would cost back in America. The new spouse then is in disbelief the money doesn't flow like it did before. Some times this is the fault of the USC, and sometimes the immigrant who didn't believe when told that there wouldn't be money to spend like this at home in the USA. often its never even brought up, and assumptions work as they do.

That reaction is when the woman doesnt have a good comunication with her fiance or because the woman doesnt read about the usa, I am from a poor country and I met my fiance here in my country, I know that he could spend a lot money here because when he changes the dollars to dominican pesos he can do a lot with his dollars, but I have red about how is the life at usa you have to pay a lot of taxes and others things.

So in usa the usc doesnt can spend the money like in the poor country.

When I arrive to usa I know that, and I understand that my fiance cant spend a lot of money because he has to pay taxes and his car and house and others bills.

[Caryh 5,206]

That reaction is when the woman doesnt have a good comunication with her fiance or because the woman doesnt read about the usa, I am from a poor country and I met my fiance here in my country, I know that he could spend a lot money here because when he changes the dollars to dominican pesos he can do a lot with his dollars, but I have red about how is the life at usa you have to pay a lot of taxes and others things.

So in usa the usc doesnt can spend the money like in the poor country.

When I arrive to usa I know that, and I understand that my fiance cant spend a lot of money because he has to pay taxes and his car and house and others bills.

How many American TV shows did you see before you came here. I see these shows all the time where people hardly ever work or sometimes not at all, live in fabulous places and buy everything they want, wearing the latest trends in clothing. People get a life time of worth of bias of the streets of the USA being lined with gold and everyone here having the money tree, heck I'd love to live in the country they portray. Immigrants may even intellectually get the idea its not that way in real life, but the emotional mind doesn't believe it. Not everyone is this way of course, but the impression of Hollywood on the world is still pretty strong.

At times yes its never communicated, at other times its not emotionally believed, and at even worse times the American actually tries to make out like they have so much more than they really do. I've seen all these cases occur. It would be great if everyone coming to the USA was as pragmatic as you, but people are different and a product of their life's experiences.

[tuck4x4 19]

94 posts. Lol. I don;t know if we are helping the OP, but we sure got a good conversation going.

yeah trust me, i did not expect this kind of a response, but im very thankful for it.

BTW, she is also reading this thread, so carry on!

This has nothing to do with scamming for a GC or VAWA or anything like that. One of the things that I have always appreciated about her is that she would rather not have moved here. I was very suspicious of everyone showing me attention in the Philippines because I did not want to be taken for a VISA ride. I actually met a girl before her who was just like that.

She is simply 100% depressed and bored. She has a reputation amongst her friends of being the crazy, outgoing, gregarious one and I am working way too much. I did 150 hours the last 2 weeks of December. Im a car salesman now, I was in Call center management for ATT and Verizon before being laid off. Selling Hondas has given me the stability I needed to get her here, but now its just simply too many hours.

There is quite a bit of culture shock for her here. One of the things I love and eventually get frustrated with in the Philippines is there functional chaos. Its so fun to see it all for a few months, but then you start to wonder why they dont do certain little things to make everything run better.

Its the opposite here for her. One of the things she remarked the most about when she first got here was how cars will yield the right of way at intersections. That does not happen in the Philippines. You honk and go. thats it. She enjoyed the organization at first, but now misses the chaos.

that and the inability to walk anywhere. She asked me once where all the people were. She sees them in the stores, but no where else. It was funny that Id never thought of it before. We are in our houses, until we walk to our cars, where we drive to the stores, where we finally walk around.... inside. No one does anything outside.

I love her. She loves me. No Im not rich and these months for car selling are the hardest of the year, so I keep telling her that no matter what, this will always be the low, the rest of the year will be higher. Even with that, we have no shortage of food, Heat, running water, hot showers etc, none of which she had even though she lived and worked in Manila.

A few people here have said stuff about her not working, but she has always had a job. She works, and enjoys work.

We just very very much need to get her involved here and busy. We both love the idea of her volunteering for a local humane society.

Please dont stop, Im loving all of these ideas.

[slowlyman 118]

Jin said the same thing about the traffic and the general organization of everything in our society.

Happy your making progress. It does get easier.

The last couple days Jin has been remodeling the house and she has taken over the spare room as her "place". Slowly the house is becoming our home rather then my home which she is staying in. It's good to see her finally moving in emotionally.

[Caryh 5,206]

I'm not sure of your wife's name, so I'll just address her as She.

She, my wife also never wanted to come to the USA, she came for one reason only and that was for me. She also always worked, in fact she started working after school even when she went to elementary school. Her and her sister even built up a business that employed about eight people. Then she came here and found she could do nothing but sit around the house all day and wait for me. There were no neighbors walking by saying hi or asking questions to chikka chikka with. There were no loud noises and the constant sound of people going about their lives. It was very lonely and very boring while I was away at work. And even when I returned from work still there was just one person, and not the constant sounds of the entire neighborhood. She tried to keep busy, she reorganized my entire house. She learned the new appliances. She cleaned the house, which at first she thought would be too big to clean, but soon discovered was quite easy to keep clean. It wasn't very long and she was so bored, bored, bored. She also didn't take new friends in easily, although so badly she wanted friends that she could speak Bisaya with, or even Tagalog, and relate with on a woman's level. She didn't really understand and relate to my Kana friends, although she loved how welcome they made her feel, still they were not her friends who she truly relate life experiences with. Those first six months were torture on her. She often got home sick. She often got angry. She often got scared she'd never fit in.

But over time she did make Pinay friends. Shortly after she got her EAD she did find work. Not great work, but it was work and she was contributing. She learned to drive American style, and we got her a car. She still doesn't like freeways, but she can drive them if she needs to. And she learned many of her Pinay friends won't even do that even after being here for years. She found a better job, then another better one. She still doubts herself, is her English good enough (its actually excellent and better than the average American). Her current company has her marked for moving up the ladder. She doesn't want to believe this, as she's just an Asian from another country, but she's been given awards at work, and her boss always brings her into the first to train new systems and advanced skills so she'll be ready when a higher position is available. She still misses family back home, she she talks with them often. She still misses the controlled chaos of life in the Philippines, but she's learned how life in America works to now. Her homesickness has never totally gone away, maybe 10 to 20% or so is left. She no longer cries when letters come from family, and she even discovered she has a cousin in a neighboring state. Her marriage has grown, she has grown and her husband has grown. As to work, my wife couldn't wait to start, and did pretty quickly. Now she wishes she had listened to me when I said enjoy this time of not working, once you start you won't have this chance again. She sees that now, but then she wouldn't be who she is if she could have rested easy not working.

Its not always been easy, marriage is work, but its also love and learning there's one person who will always be there to support you, even if they were not born your family. Its a choice to love and marry someone. Its and even bigger choice to live that marriage as its meant to be, and a choice we should all remake every day. I don't doubt your love for your husband, now use that love to choose to be his wife and by his side everyday. Even on those days he does something stupid, because we all know husbands do stupid things, still make the choice to be his partner and with him every day.

She, its hard as hell for some Pinay that move to the USA. For some its super easy, they get here and never look back. You are one of the ones its going to be hard on. I can't even tell you it will soon be better, because more likely is soon it will be even worse. But then you're going to reach a point where each day is just a touch easier. And then one day you'll notice its been a whole day where you didn't think of home and feel sad. Then next it will be a few days, then a week. And suddenly you'll go a month without feeling homesick, and then suddenly while you might feel a bit like you miss home, its not such a sad feeling any longer. Its a step by step process of getting over homesickness. How long it will be, and how bad it will be is up to you. My wife's mother gave her advice when she came here, my wife is stubborn though and never really took it, but her mother said "Learn to love the people, places and things where you go, and you will be happy." Her mother didn't make up that advice, it was actually the advice her father gave her when she left her island of Bohol to make a life with her new husband on another island and it worked for her, even though that husband died young leaving her with three children to raise on her own. And maybe thats why she ended up remarried and with even more children, still living far from home but happy many years later.

yeah trust me, i did not expect this kind of a response, but im very thankful for it.

BTW, she is also reading this thread, so carry on!

This has nothing to do with scamming for a GC or VAWA or anything like that. One of the things that I have always appreciated about her is that she would rather not have moved here. I was very suspicious of everyone showing me attention in the Philippines because I did not want to be taken for a VISA ride. I actually met a girl before her who was just like that.

She is simply 100% depressed and bored. She has a reputation amongst her friends of being the crazy, outgoing, gregarious one and I am working way too much. I did 150 hours the last 2 weeks of December. Im a car salesman now, I was in Call center management for ATT and Verizon before being laid off. Selling Hondas has given me the stability I needed to get her here, but now its just simply too many hours.

There is quite a bit of culture shock for her here. One of the things I love and eventually get frustrated with in the Philippines is there functional chaos. Its so fun to see it all for a few months, but then you start to wonder why they dont do certain little things to make everything run better.

Its the opposite here for her. One of the things she remarked the most about when she first got here was how cars will yield the right of way at intersections. That does not happen in the Philippines. You honk and go. thats it. She enjoyed the organization at first, but now misses the chaos.

that and the inability to walk anywhere. She asked me once where all the people were. She sees them in the stores, but no where else. It was funny that Id never thought of it before. We are in our houses, until we walk to our cars, where we drive to the stores, where we finally walk around.... inside. No one does anything outside.

I love her. She loves me. No Im not rich and these months for car selling are the hardest of the year, so I keep telling her that no matter what, this will always be the low, the rest of the year will be higher. Even with that, we have no shortage of food, Heat, running water, hot showers etc, none of which she had even though she lived and worked in Manila.

A few people here have said stuff about her not working, but she has always had a job. She works, and enjoys work.

We just very very much need to get her involved here and busy. We both love the idea of her volunteering for a local humane society.

Please dont stop, Im loving all of these ideas.

[tuck4x4 19]

I spent 3 days on Bohol with 3 filipina friends just using public transportation. Caribou, motor bikes, sidecars, vans and taxis. Theres not much more stressful then being jammed into an overpacked minivan full of nuns on windy roads. the chocolate hills are beautiful, and waking up on a white sand beach on the north side of the island is something Ill never forget.

We paid a small boat fisherman to take us from Cebu, to Pandanon Island, then Bojol and then took the ferry back.

BTW I grew up in Hawaii. I wish we were there now, the filipino community is huge and I was the minority there.

Edited January 8, 2014 by tuck4x4

[Naisha 5]

Hi Tuck!

I'm sorry about what's happening with you and your wife right now.. and some of the comments here are just rude... But as for me, I understand what your wife is going through coz I've gone through it the last 2 weeks.. I just got here in the states 21 days ago and America is not what I imagined it to be. Entirely different from the Philippines. Although I've worked in Malaysia for the last 7 years, America is very different. I felt like I just made a 360 degree turn in my life..... I thought I was ready to come here (yes, I was) but when I finally got here, I realize I wasn't. I had a hard time adjusting to the time, then the weather (it's super cold right now in Chicago), the food, the people, the lifestyle, the culture, the place, etc. I keep on whining and complaining how I hated the snow (when in fact I was very excited to see it), how I don't like american food, etc... My fiancee took me around to see places (be familiarize with roads etc), meet his friends (and their wives), went to asian market... And I was so passive and just reactive. He's making an effort for me so I won't get bored, so I will know how things works here. But I've been resisting it. Until a day before new year, we have an argument. Then it dawn to me, that the problem is with me. I couldn't adapt to the changes that's happening around me. All the things that I imagined about being here is entirely different from experiencing it. I have a problem of ADAPTING. I am so stuck in my old ways (Filipinism) and so scared to leave my comfort zone. I thought I was independent and strong enough, but I was wrong because I'm afraid to change. People don't really change, but we react to changes. It's so difficult to change. It's a struggle for me to change partly because I'm innately stubborn. But looking at my fiancee's face and looking back in all our hardships in getting the K1 visa and what we sacrificed in order for me to get here and be with him, I don't want to throw this away because I love him more than anything else. I told him we'll work it out, and it seems like I'm not working it out. So, I decided to change and be proactive (I need to change because if I will continue acting like this for the next couple of months, this won't last). Believe me it's hard ditching the things that I'm used to, but sometimes change is a good thing. In Love, we need to compromise. The word LOVE is not a noun, it's a verb, and it means hard work. Nobody said it's gonna be easy. But at least I'm trying and that's what I'm doing since last week, and I feel a bit better now. I'm still taking baby steps in adapting but I know one day I'll be able to adjust to everything.....And I think your wife needs to grow, adapt to changes, step out from her comfort zone and compromise.... It could be really hard and lonely being here and alone and has no friends and family. But she has to remember that she came here to build a family with you, to start a life with you. It may not be easy but it's worth the try if she really loves you unconditionally.... Talk it out with her and I hope you guys work things out. God Bless!!!

[Tahoma 2,291]

So after 4.5 years of working very hard to get my wife's K1 visa, we accomplish our goal and marry, and today i go home for lunch and she tells me that she wants out, and wants to go back home.

she is from the Philippines and we met 5 years ago when i was working there for ATT. We dated until I left, and started the K1 process when I returned to Texas. I was laid off 3 times and that delayed the process quite a bit.

For the last 4 years she has been angry with me because we weren't married sooner.

2 months ago, it finally happened and I picked her and her 2 dogs up from the airport. It has been a great 2 months and yesterday we were married.

Now she is telling me that she wants to leave and go home, she is bored, hates being at home, refuses to do what it takes to get her licenses and SSN etc, to help herself. She doesnt want to divorce.... but wants to move back to the philippines.

My understanding is that the K1 visa is a one time entry visa and if she were to leave now, even married, she would not be able to return.

Has anyone had any experience with this?

I am a Filipina and my advice is, let her go home if that is what she wants to do. You just don't marry somebody, then turn your back the next day, unless, there is something about you that you're not telling us that will make her want to go home immediately. Don't blame homesickness. Nowadays, it is much easier to deal with homesickness with the advancement in technology, unless, she does not have access to it.

Do NOT pay for her ticket to go back home. If she is determined to go back to PH, AND, she is really determined to get away from you, then, she will find a way to buy her own ticket, like finding a job!

Does she know how much it cost for a ticket to fly back to Pinas? Money does not grow on trees, it is not like flying from manila-cebu-manila. There are many filipinos/filipinas who live abroad. And if they get homesick, they deal with it the best way they can, they work and save money so they can visit/go home to Pinas soon. They just don't ask their friend/ husband/wife/boss to pay for their ticket so they can go home immediately. Uh-oh...never heard of that.

If she sulks, then let her sulk, she'll get over it. Marriage comes with responsibility. When she moves here, she knows she'll be adjusting to a lot of things, and she has to do her part too! It is your responsibility as her husband to continue to encourage, love, and support her. But if you think that you've done your part and all of a sudden, she just wants to go home a day after you got married then, let her go.

~ Chinook

[verysadguy 170]

I am a Filipina and my advice is, let her go home if that is what she wants to do. You just don't marry somebody, then turn your back the next day, unless, there is something about you that you're not telling us that will make her want to go home immediately. Don't blame homesickness. Nowadays, it is much easier to deal with homesickness with the advancement in technology, unless, she does not have access to it.

Do NOT pay for her ticket to go back home. If she is determined to go back to PH, AND, she is really determined to get away from you, then, she will find a way to buy her own ticket, like finding a job!

Does she know how much it cost for a ticket to fly back to Pinas? Money does not grow on trees, it is not like flying from manila-cebu-manila. There are many filipinos/filipinas who live abroad. And if they get homesick, they deal with it the best way they can, they work and save money so they can visit/go home to Pinas soon. They just don't ask their friend/ husband/wife/boss to pay for their ticket so they can go home immediately. Uh-oh...never heard of that.

If she sulks, then let her sulk, she'll get over it. Marriage comes with responsibility. When she moves here, she knows she'll be adjusting to a lot of things, and she has to do her part too! It is your responsibility as her husband to continue to encourage, love, and support her. But if you think that you've done your part and all of a sudden, she just wants to go home a day after you got married then, let her go.

~ Chinook

I noted two things. Poster said his wife is now reading the thread? WARNING Will Robinson, I smell some poo. Seriously? This poster is in for a ride.

#2, don't pay her ticket home? BS. Pay for her ticket and send her packing. Consider that money well spent. Married one day and now wants to leave you? What does the future hold for this oh so stable marriage?

NEXT!!!!

[rlogan 2,036]

If you join the Army then don't plead culture shock when they have you carry a rifle and march.

It never ceases to amaze me what poor communication and planning precedes a lot of these marriages. No, it doesn't have to be a culture shock and as a matter of fact every day can be wonderful with exciting experiences together along with a lot of great nookie. I don't like this idea that we marry each other in spite of our differences. We should be marrying people who embrace similar ideas and expectations about the future.

You don't marry someone and then the next day say you have changed your mind. This was an epic fail in communication and planning, not normal immigration adjustment blues. The first order of business is 100% clarity and honesty about what is going on in your heads and hearts. The fact she complained about not being married soon enough for four years and then when married says she wants divorce smacks of a manipulative personality.