Freaked

[peejay 327]

Melo,

I have seen this same attitude of women looked at as chattel and 2nd class citizens in the Arabic community. I met a Palestinian Christian boy that immigrated to America and was in my 6th grade class in elementary school in the late 1960's. We remained friends as adults. I saw this attitude in his father toward his sisters and saw that it continued when he married a Palestinian woman here in America and had children here. The son was his pride and the daughters were ignored. Women in their culture are not respected as the males are. I found it sad and disturbing. There is a glaring double standard. Even after spending most of his life in America his attitude towards women is culturally backward.

My advice...come to America and become American. A lot of immigrants contain themselves and immerse themselves in the same immigrant communities after immigrating to America. No wonder these same bad attitudes and customs never die! Even away from the home country. That is the beauty of immigrating to America. You are free to make your new life without the old bad habits and customs.

That part is easy. Reconciling yourself with your family is more difficult. Especially if they remain set in their ways. It is up to you whether you wish to limit or discontinue contact with them.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

I have calmed down somewhat - but refuse to speak to her... I will invite her to the wedding... I cannot stay angry for long... and I hate hurting people even if they hurt me... I guess I sound nuts!!!

Nuts... nope!

Loving heart... YES!!!

Melo, you have an endless bounty of love within you for your family... and for others... your wedding day is to be special... and YOUR day... I'm wishing all of the best for you.

Invite your mom and the rest of your family... but make it clear that you will let NOTHING interfere in your special day...

I'm wishing you and the love of your life ALLLLLLLLLLLLL of the happiness in the world... not just for your wedding day... but for ALL LIFE!

Praying for ya!

Blessings,

Lynne

If they are being that horrible to you then I (personally) wouldn't invite them to the wedding...no sense ruining your special day if you know there are going to be people there who don't think you are special.

I don't understand the son/daughter thing either. My dear Dad has three daughters and has never once bemoaned that fact. We are all very successful and smart and all hung out with him when he went fishing, or car racing or any of those things. People need to realise that gender isn't important, it's how you raise your babies that is. I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed and need...it's their loss.

DITTO!

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I have seen this same attitude of women looked at as chattel and 2nd class citizens in the Arabic community.

Peejay,

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I can assure you that women in my family both here and in India are not treated as chattel.

Melo has unresolved issues with her family and she takes it out on India. Unfairly, I might add. You know, broad brush and all that.

[almaty 19]

anita...my best to you...do what you need to do....the answers are inside and do not spoil your haooiness with negative people...just ** it and drive on ..dr dean

[Melo 1]

I have seen this same attitude of women looked at as chattel and 2nd class citizens in the Arabic community.

Peejay,

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I can assure you that women in my family both here and in India are not treated as chattel.

Melo has unresolved issues with her family and she takes it out on India. Unfairly, I might add. You know, broad brush and all that.

Arijit, I do not think it is unfair to say women are treated badly in India... sure there are some families where they are not... my Dad's family was one such family... my Dad and his family remain different - even though my dad has become more like my mum's family - he still is a cut above them...

I have a friend who has only one sister... they are from a wealthy Bengali family... his mum deprived his sister of every kind of creature comfort and affection... she ran away with the man who used to come to clean the house - she was so starved for affection... recently in the news a nine year old girl was found by the police - she had been locked in the bathroom by her own parents with no food. Her mum, older sister and younger brother had gone to Punjab on holiday - leaving this kid who bore burn marks on her body locked up. What about the women who was found chained to the wall in Punjabi Bagh, New Delhi - she had been chained for 2 years and made to eat and ####### off the ground where she was - her crime??? Not enough dowry. And then the little girl from Bulandshar - just 4 years old - born into a doctor's family who had iron rods stuck up her ####### and #######... her crime??? She was a girl... I have cried over each one of these... I am involved with NGO's dealing with women and the what happens to women is nothing short of horrifying. They say it is just the tip of the iceberg... so it is not unfair to say what I did about India.

My life changed when we came to India... and I have never ceased to loathe this country and all it stands for.

anita...my best to you...do what you need to do....the answers are inside and do not spoil your haooiness with negative people...just ** it and drive on ..dr dean

Thanks Dean... I know that at the end of the day no matter what I say when I am angry that I cannot sustain it...

I have calmed down somewhat - but refuse to speak to her... I will invite her to the wedding... I cannot stay angry for long... and I hate hurting people even if they hurt me... I guess I sound nuts!!!

Nuts... nope!

Loving heart... YES!!!

Melo, you have an endless bounty of love within you for your family... and for others... your wedding day is to be special... and YOUR day... I'm wishing all of the best for you.

Invite your mom and the rest of your family... but make it clear that you will let NOTHING interfere in your special day...

I'm wishing you and the love of your life ALLLLLLLLLLLLL of the happiness in the world... not just for your wedding day... but for ALL LIFE!

Praying for ya!

Blessings,

Lynne

If they are being that horrible to you then I (personally) wouldn't invite them to the wedding...no sense ruining your special day if you know there are going to be people there who don't think you are special.

I don't understand the son/daughter thing either. My dear Dad has three daughters and has never once bemoaned that fact. We are all very successful and smart and all hung out with him when he went fishing, or car racing or any of those things. People need to realise that gender isn't important, it's how you raise your babies that is. I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed and need...it's their loss.

DITTO!

Thanks so much

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Arijit, I do not think it is unfair to say women are treated badly in India... sure there are some families where they are not... my Dad's family was one such family... my Dad and his family remain different - even though my dad has become more like my mum's family - he still is a cut above them...

I have a friend who has only one sister... they are from a wealthy Bengali family... his mum deprived his sister of every kind of creature comfort and affection...

Anita,

Generalizing is very unfair. For every family you know that does it one way, I can point you to two that do it a different way. Good or bad, India is much too big and much too diverse for you to sit there and make any kind of generalization at all. Sure, India has got more than its share of bad apples but don't sit there and defame the whole freaking country because of it.

Edited March 6, 2006 by Agent Smith

[desert_fox 32]

Arijit, I do not think it is unfair to say women are treated badly in India... sure there are some families where they are not... my Dad's family was one such family... my Dad and his family remain different - even though my dad has become more like my mum's family - he still is a cut above them...

I have a friend who has only one sister... they are from a wealthy Bengali family... his mum deprived his sister of every kind of creature comfort and affection...

Anita,

Generalizing is very unfair. For every family you know that does it one way, I can point you to two that do it a different way. Good or bad, India is much too big and much too diverse for you to sit there and make any kind of generalization at all. Sure, India has got more than its share of bad apples but don't sit there and defame the whole freaking country because of it.

well if you have your share of bad apples...why doesnt the govt do something to prosecute these people, and put an end to this practice of multilating, honor killing, etc. of their female population??

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

...why doesnt the govt do something to prosecute these people, and put an end to this practice of multilating, honor killing, etc. of their female population??

I can only speak for friends and family. I know plenty of people who give their all for their daughters and wives. Indians. Generalizations of the kind Melo is making do nothing but to degrade the efforts of a lot of very good and kind people.

ps. FGM and honor killings? You got your countries confused, amigo.

[desert_fox 32]

[

I can only speak for friends and family. I know plenty of people who give their all for their daughters and wives. Indians. Generalizations of the kind Melo is making do nothing but to degrade the efforts of a lot of very good and kind people.

ps. FGM and honor killings? You got your countries confused, amigo.

I dont think so....seems like Ive read of FGM in India as some kind of cutlural thing.

Honor killings??....doenst bring in the required dowery??? becomes an embarrassment to the family??? which country would this be??

[Melo 1]

Honour killings do happen - but they are not so common... mutilation is not something that happens here... but female foeticide, dowry deaths, rape are very common...

I accept that I am generalizing and that I have unresolved issues with my family... but at the same time those generalizations are based on the societal norms that exist here... and my issues with my family are due to those same societal norms.

In my mum's family they literally go into mourning when a daughter is born and rejoice when a son is born... I have little or no respect for them and their ilk...

[caviar22 1]

I accept that I am generalizing and that I have unresolved issues with my family... but at the same time those generalizations are based on the societal norms that exist here... and my issues with my family are due to those same societal norms.

In my mum's family they literally go into mourning when a daughter is born and rejoice when a son is born... I have little or no respect for them and their ilk...

Melo, there are many here, including me, sending you lots of luv and hugs.

You go ahead and rant... you are safe here and it will make you feel better. Know that it will soon be over and you will be happy with or without your mother -- you can cut her out of your life, especially if it is for your own sanity!

We are here for you!

[Melo 1]

Thanks so much... my thresh-hold of tolerance with my mum and her family is not high I have to admit... and I guess that is something I should learn... coz honestly she must have had a hellish childhood (though she denies it)... I should learn to stop reacting.

[KarenCee 3]

(((((((((((((((Melo)))))))))))))))))) I can't say I know what it's like when it comes to mothers, but I DO know what it's like to be distant from family....right now I literally do not have any family that will be at our wedding...and you know, I'm ok with that. I will survive it like I have everything else in my life. I have my beloved Joel and the multitude of friends I've made here where I live...and they're more family to me than anyone else ever will be.

[pri 0]

Anita,

Generalizing is very unfair. For every family you know that does it one way, I can point you to two that do it a different way. Good or bad, India is much too big and much too diverse for you to sit there and make any kind of generalization at all. Sure, India has got more than its share of bad apples but don't sit there and defame the whole freaking country because of it.

I agree with Arijit, yes it is there but cant blame the country its their mentality and upbringing society which they have gone through.. These days you hardly find any differences infact mums are proud to say they have a daughter, who is better than their son in many ways

Edited March 6, 2006 by pri

[IAMSADIA 0]

Have had a major fight with the woman who gave birth to me... won't call her mother coz the word implies love and caring something she cannot give to her daughter... she never has and never will... she can only love my brother... ** I should be used to it by now... her whole fcuking family is the same... typical fcuking Indian values... and one wonders why I hate this fcuking country!!! Anyway I just told her I do not want her or any member of her disgusting family at my wedding... am still freaked... don't know what to do to calm down... have never been able to understand how women can love a child if it is the right gender and hate/deprive another if it is not... ** all these fcuking women should have nothing but sons... then there will be no women to marry their darling sons. The more I see of this country the more I loathe it... the societal values are so full of sh#$ - the films are full of sh$% - bias is inherent in this country... try talking to an untouchable and you will know... they say there is no longer untouchability here... just as there is no gender bias... like hell there isn't...

mel,,find your own happiness. everyones family functions differently.

different countries,expectations,,the good the bad..

I am american wishing that I could have a wonderful mother/daughter

relationship but over all my life have ran into brick walls with it.

just wishing you well and lots of happiness in your future. be good to

yourself and build your own house of love and family.

regardless of how my mother treats me sometimes or how I treat her,,wich

I never have disrespected her even at the worst of times.

I love her ,thats just me. my husband is from pakistan,,his family is so loving

to there children ,the daughters as much as sons and I can tell you my husband

is so shocked to see in america many people not just me that have broken

relationships with there parents.

I think it has to do with how the family IS not the country where your from

exactly because in my husbands family,,no one is left out,infact they talk to him more

then my own parents have talked to me. a world away and they communicate beautifully.

my parents were against me and jani getting maried,,they turned there backs to me

for a whole yr but I still invited them to the weding and guess what? they came.

now ofcource there was a big fight between us over something so SILLY..so havent seen

her in 6 months wich is a shame being half way thru a difficult pregnancy.

I try to make friends with her but she's prideful.

take it from me.. be kind but step back into your own ways and make your own

brand new family . take care I feel so bad for you,because I know what it's like..

I have always felt like the black sheep in my family..u know the expression ,,(the odd one)

haha.. thats ok someone has to be,,I am happy regardless cause of my kids and husband.

All the best

Sadia