this is for person immigrating here to USA

[betruthful 0]

I have a message for those coming here. Please be truthful in your intentions. After 2 years of being approved and having my husband here, I believe there is some dwelling you need to do and realizing.

I have other couples going through some of these problems. No one is saying you are not coming for the right reasons but there are adjustments you may not realize.

.) If you come here and think everything will be your way....it will not.

2) when you come(if on K1) will have a lot of time on your hands. Do not give your mate that is working a hard time. The working mate position can be very stressful. And you are in the support role at the moment.

3) do not come here and flirt with other people online. Do not waste the time of the person here. Your ego doesn't get a wife and the need to write inappropriate comments on pictures as though you are single. I have seen so many that come here do this. This is not good for anyone. And when someone has worked so hard to get you here they deserve to be respected.

4) life is different once you get here. BE REALISTIC...its not easy if you come here to not be genuine. It can be a living hell.

If you understand the first months to a year is a huge adjustment and you truly love this person then comr. But do not knowingly come here with the knowledge you will hurt the one that worked so hard for you.

If you are the american. Look at yourself too. I have heard nightmares from both sides. Just be truthful!!!!!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

1.) If you come here and think everything will be your way....it will not.

2) when you come(if on K1) will have a lot of time on your hands. Do not give your mate that is working a hard time. The working mate position can be very stressful. And you are in the support role at the moment.

3) do not come here and flirt with other people online. Do not waste the time of the person here. Your ego doesn't get a wife and the need to write inappropriate comments on pictures as though you are single. I have seen so many that come here do this. This is not good for anyone. And when someone has worked so hard to get you here they deserve to be respected.

4) life is different once you get here. BE REALISTIC...its not easy if you come here to not be genuine. It can be a living hell.

If you understand the first months to a year is a huge adjustment and you truly love this person then comr. But do not knowingly come here with the knowledge you will hurt the one that worked so hard for you.

If you are the american. Look at yourself too. I have heard nightmares from both sides. Just be truthful!!!!!

Sounds like you've been having a tough time. Here are my rebuttals, as the immigrant, to what I think you USC's need to do

1. Don't think that now we're here you can treat us how you like, that we need to give in to your whims, we do not.

2. Don't think we don't WANT to work. We want to work and feel useless 24/7. Understand that YOU are supposed to be supporting US in our transition. We aren't a new piece of furniture. You cannot go about work like you used to, you have us at home now and we need your time too!

3. Don't assume because we're talking online to friends/family that we're flirting. Don't think that now we're here that you should stop trying and stop showing us love and romance.

4. Remember everything we gave up, to come here for YOU. Don't think that we should be "so happy we're in the US" when we're still missing our friends and family back home. It's insulting to us and our home country that you don't allow us the opportunity to grieve.

Sure, there are scammers and there are red-flags to look out for, but just because we're the immigrant doesn't mean that we're "the bad one". Relationships take 2 people and I know of a lot of USC's that think now their spouse/fiancee is in the US they can stop trying and just let it go. Not only is leaving home an adjustment, but the changes in relationship are an adjustment as well. Suddenly being beholden to someone else for the bare essentials is degrading and humiliating (depending on the person)

I'm sorry your relationship isn't going well - sound like your spouse is the problem, doesn't mean you should attribute those things to ALL immigrants. And for the record, none of what you typed, or what I typed relates to my relationship or anyone else I know, but are instead based on the depressing stories you can find on VJ, last 6 month there's been a rash of "well it's not working" posts.

[betruthful 0]

Sounds like you've been having a tough time. Here are my rebuttals, as the immigrant, to what I think you USC's need to do

1. Don't think that now we're here you can treat us how you like, that we need to give in to your whims, we do not.

2. Don't think we don't WANT to work. We want to work and feel useless 24/7. Understand that YOU are supposed to be supporting US in our transition. We aren't a new piece of furniture. You cannot go about work like you used to, you have us at home now and we need your time too!

3. Don't assume because we're talking online to friends/family that we're flirting. Don't think that now we're here that you should stop trying and stop showing us love and romance.

4. Remember everything we gave up, to come here for YOU. Don't think that we should be "so happy we're in the US" when we're still missing our friends and family back home. It's insulting to us and our home country that you don't allow us the opportunity to grieve.

Sure, there are scammers and there are red-flags to look out for, but just because we're the immigrant doesn't mean that we're "the bad one". Relationships take 2 people and I know of a lot of USC's that think now their spouse/fiancee is in the US they can stop trying and just let it go. Not only is leaving home an adjustment, but the changes in relationship are an adjustment as well. Suddenly being beholden to someone else for the bare essentials is degrading and humiliating (depending on the person)

I'm sorry your relationship isn't going well - sound like your spouse is the problem, doesn't mean you should attribute those things to ALL immigrants. And for the record, none of what you typed, or what I typed relates to my relationship or anyone else I know, but are instead based on the depressing stories you can find on VJ, last 6 month there's been a rash of "well it's not working" posts.

IF you actually read fully what I wrote you would see I said not all are here for wrong reason and 2nd that the american must look at themselves also. Everyone's experience will be different of coarse. But my point is that we need to be truthful to each other. We need to understand the other. And of coarse all your points are valid but the couples that I have talked to about what their mates are doing are bullet pointed in my list. I feel so many people think it is all bliss once our mates arrive. The hardest of the parts is coming for some. I am glad you are having a good journey . But you should read fully what someone has said as not everyone is trying to be bitter but be a warninh and be realistic

[VanessaTony 3,567]

IF you actually read fully what I wrote you would see I said not all are here for wrong reason and 2nd that the american must look at themselves also. Everyone's experience will be different of coarse. But my point is that we need to be truthful to each other. We need to understand the other. And of coarse all your points are valid but the couples that I have talked to about what their mates are doing are bullet pointed in my list. I feel so many people think it is all bliss once our mates arrive. The hardest of the parts is coming for some. I am glad you are having a good journey . But you should read fully what someone has said as not everyone is trying to be bitter but be a warninh and be realistic

Everything you wrote, bar one or 2 sentences is implying that the immigrant was untruthful, untrustworthy and unthankful. The only USC specific part is below.

But do not knowingly come here with the knowledge you will hurt the one that worked so hard for you. If you are the american. Look at yourself too. I have heard nightmares from both sides.

You did not write that "WE" as a couple need to be truthful. Your entire post was aimed at the immigrant being the untrustworthy one, with 9 words directed specifically at the USC. I simply wrote the other side of the coin (the immigrants bullet points to the USC).

I'm sorry you took what I wrote to heart. BOTH parties need to be aware of each others feelings and respectful of the struggles of either party.

Edited June 8, 2013 by Vanessa&Tony

[betruthful 0]

Everything you wrote, bar one or 2 sentences is implying that the immigrant was untruthful, untrustworthy and unthankful. The only USC specific part is below.

You did not write that "WE" as a couple need to be truthful. Your entire post was aimed at the immigrant being the untrustworthy one, with 9 words directed specifically at the USC. I simply wrote the other side of the coin (the immigrants bullet points to the USC).

I'm sorry you took what I wrote to heart. BOTH parties need to be aware of each others feelings and respectful of the struggles of either party.

REREAD...I SAID THE IMMIGRANT AND I SAID IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH THAT THE AMERICAN NEEDS TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES TOO. AND TO BE TRUTHFUL. ALSO SAID IHAVE HEARD HORROR STORIES FROM BOTH SIDES. THE CONTEXT OF WE WAS THERE. Realize that I also said not everyone is here for the wrong reason. Wha t I take to heart is someone not reading the message.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

REREAD...I SAID THE IMMIGRANT AND I SAID IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH THAT THE AMERICAN NEEDS TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES TOO. AND TO BE TRUTHFUL. ALSO SAID IHAVE HEARD HORROR STORIES FROM BOTH SIDES. THE CONTEXT OF WE WAS THERE. Realize that I also said not everyone is here for the wrong reason. Wha t I take to heart is someone not reading the message.

You're obviously not understanding what I'm writing, especially seeing your first sentence of this quote above is actually already something I addressed in my response. You wrote NINE words about the USC, the rest was obviously aimed at the immigrant. If that was not your intention, well that's how it reads so I'm sorry you take offense because I'm reading what you wrote, rather than what you "wanted" to write.

[betruthful 0]

You're obviously not understanding what I'm writing, especially seeing your first sentence of this quote above is actually already something I addressed in my response. You wrote NINE words about the USC, the rest was obviously aimed at the immigrant. If that was not your intention, well that's how it reads so I'm sorry you take offense because I'm reading what you wrote, rather than what you "wanted" to write.

Ah gotcha to you its about how many words equally divided ..not the message.

[adiiann 163]

To OP, I think what Vanessa&Tony trying to let you know is that you point out things for immigrant, so he/she pointing out things for USC in immigrants' point of view.

Your posts pertain mostly to USC perspective and bias.

[Darnell 8,478]

zagrey - are you back? what happened after the K-1 visa denial ?

[rjm_cmyk 75]

Given that the OP only joined VJ yesterday - it is a kinda odd first post but er thanks for sharing. I would also agree that it really is aimed directly at the immigrant despite protestations to contrary.

Speaking as a would be immigrant I find it not a little patronising , condescending and if I was not of a more robust online disposition I'd be a bit offended too.

Edited June 9, 2013 by rjm_cmyk

[betruthful 0]

First off. It is from my view and about 6 other USC . When is it wrong to state something from a view point? I see many people write statements on how their USC mate has abused them....and I have talked to and experienced things that show that the intent was not truthful by immigrant. I have seen couples that are married , the mate comes from their country and leave their mate. Their intentions not being true to the mate that is here. So the fact this is a board to help people and others to be able to talk about things ...I find the offense not warranted. Their are bad and good couples. Their are people who come here with the truest intent. Their also people coming here with the idea of using the USC. My whole point is BE TRUTHFUL. Whether the USC or the foreign mate. So in my examples of the things that i listed are what people I and the ones I have spoke to are having issues with. This process is about both people. NOT just about the experience of the mate moving here. The listed items werent general things i just pulled out of the air. But actual people going through it AND maybe there are others going through things whether USC or the foreign mate that they can speak about. I am attacking no one I am trying to ( as wrong as you guys seem to think it is ) state the things that have happened. And possibly save someone heartache. Sue me.

[betruthful 0]

Given that the OP only joined VJ yesterday - it is a kinda odd first post but er thanks for sharing. I would also agree that it really is aimed directly at the immigrant despite protestations to contrary.

Speaking as a would be immigrant I find it not a little patronising , condescending and if I was not of a more robust online disposition I'd be a bit offended too.

Well if you find the viewpoint not to your liking why would you tell me thanks for sharing as though only what a immigrant goes through is the only viewpoint that should be expressed. And no one in the world has made a profile to protect an identity. Be offended or not but its a serious thing that a USC is used wrongly and that can be offensive as well. Thanks for sharing

[Ivy. 113]

Sounds like you've been having a tough time. Here are my rebuttals, as the immigrant, to what I think you USC's need to do

I am on a tablet right now and I actually switched to full version theme just to +1 this post. I'm getting ready to leave everything behind to be with my husband and I resent most of the comments I get (even from local people here) about the need to be happy/grateful for my future life in the US. My life is great here and the fact that I am leaving it for him doesn't mean I am getting a better life somewhere else, it just means that being with him is more important. Thank you for the other side if the story.

[betruthful 0]

I am on a tablet right now and I actually switched to full version theme just to +1 this post. I'm getting ready to leave everything behind to be with my husband and I resent most of the comments I get (even from local people here) about the need to be happy/grateful for my future life in the US. My life is great here and the fact that I am leaving it for him doesn't mean I am getting a better life somewhere else, it just means that being with him is more important. Thank you for the other side if the story.

Believe me when I was bringing my husband here ...I got all the doubts shoved in my face. But that was from people that had never gone through this process. This process is a great process that can result in many different outcomes. No one wants a bad relationship. I am not attacking ....If those going through the process had started this kind of conversation I would have maybe asked different questions. Maybe even my husband would have asked me different questions. We are here to help each other and those that need help. Have safe travels and I wish you every happiness in the world as any one who goes through this process deserves it!

[indiana_sweetie 120]

When I first told my friends about my relationship with my foreign (at the time, to-be spouse) I got a "boatload" of negative comments and "advice". My hubby and I were just talking today about how we met and about how happy we are together. We talk a lot, listen to each other, respect each other, have fun together. We also take time every day to "do our own things". For me, it's talking to my daughter on Skype and spending time on VJ. For hubby it's talking to other Albanians and to family online. Of course hubby wishes he had a job already, but he is working on my living room, which I told him is more important right now. We feel we are very blessed to be together. I suppose that sounds like unicorns and rainbows. Maybe we are just lucky. I know we are lucky to have each other.