Marriage failing.. what do I do?!

[easyday83 0]

So a little backstory. My wife and I dated for about a year before deciding to get married. At first everything was great (I know we didnt live together and a lot of things can change when you are married and see the person 24/7) we filed for a K-1 Visa because she is an indonesian citizen. She arrived in america and we got married within our 90 days. Then problems started, she had alot of adjustment stress at first, I am in the military so me having to be gone during the day and sometimes having to leave for a week at a time bothered her, she was very dependent on having me around and I was fine with that, I did my best to make her comfy. I brought her to a phsyciatrist when she was having issues with missing family and friends, and the doctor put her on medication for stress/depression.

She would have fights with me and then pack her bags at 1 in the morning and demand I drive 4 hours to the embassy so they could bring her home. I told her I would bring her if that is what she wanted, but it would have to be when I was done with work for the day. When I got home she decided that she was just depressed and didnt really want to leave, that she loved me. She did this multiple times, and I asked her if she would like to go to a mental health clinic to get her moods under control and she did. She spent a week there before deciding she was ready to come home, I supported her decision. She stopped taking her medication about a week later, and again, I didnt push the issue because she was adament about not wanting to talk with doctors any more. A short time later she took an entire bottle of pills and I had to rush her to the hospital to get her stomache pumped. They said she needed to go back to in-patient but she said she was just going to divorce me and go back to indonesia so she didnt need to go back to therapy. When I brought her home the next day she decided she did not want to quit the marriage and wanted to stay with me. Things went well for about 2 more months, she was having lots of issues with being bored sitting around the house, and I tried to get her involved with the community, church hobbies or anything. She always said she was interested but I could only bring her when I was not at work, because she didnt have a license. So when the time came to actually do anything she didnt want to.. she preferred to just lay around the house and mope. At that time I started pushing her to get a liscense so even if I was at work she could get around and go to church or meet friends, or basically have the options of getting out of the house. She fought with me about getting a license for 5 months, I tried everything to get her to get a liscense to alleviate some of her issues with just being at the house, I even bought her a second car as motivation. She got her work visa, and then suddenly she was mad at me for not being able to drive her to work every day.. eventually she got a liscense and things got better again. Her issues of dependance have effected my work greatly.. she would always make me feel bad about going to work, saying things like "You dont love me, thats why you arent here with me and your at work." Or when I had duty she would say "You dont want to come home and see me thats why you are on duty." At this point I started to resent her more and more, and just plain get stressed out.

I missed deployment because of depression issues at all the problems I have had this past year. The straw that broke the camels back was when my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 aggressive pancreatic cancer and I went home to visit him. The entire week and a half I was there she would offer me no support, saying that I didnt need her that I should just get support from my family. She never asked how I was or my father, she would accuse me of cheating and tell me that while I was gone she really just wanted to cheat on me because I didnt pay her enough attention. She would call and lie about things at home to add more stress or get more attention from me, like saying the dog destroyed our computer (which didnt happen.) 9 days ago, she asked to spend 200 dollars and I told her we didnt have it in the bank at the time, that she could spend the 120 that was there. She spent 200. After she told me that I was angry and told her that she couldnt do things like that and instead of taking responsibility she told me she wanted out of the car at 11 at night in the middle of nowhere. (She has done this 3 or 4 times) She has stayed with someone since then and I dont know who, and is now threating to call my job and tell them I cant support her financially, and basically just wants to ruin my job with the military.

Sorry for the wall of text, but here is my real question. We filed for adjustment of status, but have not been through our interview yet. What can I do? Its starting to become obvious that she is not interested in making the marriage work. (She changed her apartment in indonesia she got from her first husband to her name instead of her mothers last week before this started, by using my money and then paying me back later) My job is in ruins almost, my heart is broken and my life is in shambles and her life is fine back in indonesia.. and she doesnt want to leave. She says she wants to divorce me, so the navy stops paying me marital funds for housing, and I am assuming to try to get spousal support. (But we cant be divorced before being married a year in my state) What do I do?!

[rodceasar 34]

Hang in there and am very sorry to hear about your issues. I think every couple experiences challenges in this situation but hopefully, you can obtain really good input from members here.

[lierre 224]

OP, i am giving this advice as a military wife (currently living OCONUS with my husband), future US immigrant and an Asian woman.

Does your wife have friends or at least talk to spouses in the military? It will definitely help if she can find people she can share her issues with. Also, if there is a support club for Asian wives or Indonesian wives, it will be a lot better. I speak English very well, but I still feel uncomfortable when I speak to a group of American women. Or, it will be a good idea if you can ask the wives of your buddies in the military to reach out to her. I've realized that even a person as extroverted as I am still want people to reach out to me. Perhaps your wife acts jealous of your job because she doesn't feel like she knows enough about it? Make sure to involve her in family activities in your command.

Also, I have no military background whatsoever so the culture was, simply put, a huge shock. My husband is gone a lot... Probably more than you. He makes sure, no matter how busy his day is and no matter what timezone he is in, to send me a facebook message or to even briefly go on facetime with me. Also, I tell him everything that goes on in my day and he tells me as much as he can tell me about his. Also, whenever I feel bad or sad about our situation, I tell him... i talk it out with him until I feel better again. COMMUNICATION really is an important factor. You shouldn't expect your wife to know this automatically. I think you should initiate it. Tell her that her thoughts and feelings are important. Ask her opinion on some issues. Make her feel she plays a huge role in supporting you... Because military spouses really do play an important role.

It's awesome that your spouse has a job. Where we currently are, I can't get a job. So, I make do by joining as volunteer. I've met a really good friend through this. I'm sure your base has free classes, free trips, etc... Make sure you guys go on it together or sign her up for classes. I was stuck in our apartment for a couple of months because I didn't have a license yet and it was really one of the worst situations you can put a military wife in.

As for the fidelity issue, I am wondering why you didn't bring her when you went to see your father? Money for plane tickets? It would have been best if you brought her... Especially since you were counting on her to be your support.

Edited February 11, 2013 by ivyanddan

[Caryh 5,206]

If you're sure you want to end the marriage, you officially withdraw your I-864 before the adjustment of status is complete and she gets her green card. At that point she'll need to either leave the USA, or make a VAWA claim to stay and get a green card. Sounds like your wife is having some seriously bad adjustment issues, I feel bad for you two.

[easyday83 0]

Thank you for the replies. Yes, I got her involved with some other indonesian people in the area when she first arrived. She has a fairly large group of people that she can talk with. She doesnt spend much time with them though, because she says they arent the friends she had back home.

Yes, I agree that it would have been nice to bring her with me to see my father, and I definetely considered it. She has a history of making a scene though because she cant control her emotions. During christmas when my father was sick, she got in a serious verbal argument with my mother. She and I had a small fight and my wife wouldnt move from the couch, my mother tried to console her and tried to get her to go out with all the women. She explained to her that my father was sick and that we should make the most of the christmas because he might not have another christmas. My wife went into a rant about her mother could probably die at any time and that nobody thought about her. (Her mother is healthy and fine) She then decided she wanted to leave the family and get on a greyhound bus back to our home 4 states away. So I am leery about bringing her into a situation as delicate as my father laying in his deathbed, she has a tendancy to make everything about her if she isnt getting enough attention.

Edited February 11, 2013 by easyday83

[ecg19 7]

Wow, as a woman, that is pretty bad.

I'm a military wife too, and I have gone from a very successful career to sitting around home all day. I definitely have depressed days where I feel useless, but I certainly don't take it out on my husband for doing his job, and secondly, I knew what I was getting myself into.

It's sad that you couldn't take her to visit your family because you effectively would have had to have babysat her.

Despite being home sick, that attitude is more like a child than a wife. I hope that you sort things - good luck!

[Caryh 5,206]

Wow, as a woman, that is pretty bad.

I'm a military wife too, and I have gone from a very successful career to sitting around home all day. I definitely have depressed days where I feel useless, but I certainly don't take it out on my husband for doing his job, and secondly, I knew what I was getting myself into.

It's sad that you couldn't take her to visit your family because you effectively would have had to have babysat her.

Despite being home sick, that attitude is more like a child than a wife. I hope that you sort things - good luck!

My thoughts to, although I'm not a woman. My wife can get pretty dramatic when she's feeling emotional, some of the things he mentioned even ring a bell, but his wife seems over the top. The process of adjusting is harder on some than others. Maybe she hasn't gotten the emotional support when she needed it, or maybe she's been just too spoiled in her life to realize her actions are pretty darn bad. One of those can be worked with, the other really can't. Only the OP can figure that out. And even if he thinks its something that can be dealt with over time, is it in him to be able to do what it would take? There were times in my wife's adjustment period I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I've always envied those here who's spouses adjusted relatively easy. I've sometimes wondered if there shouldn't be a major forum group here about how to deal with the emotional issues when you have a new immigrant spouse. Not just your spouse's but your own to. I'm just really glad when my wife turned the corner of her adjustment to America process.

[sam357 4]

Ask yourself this: Do you love her enough to loose everything you have worked for? I just retired a few years ago and have seen this story played out again and again. You want to make it work but if you read what you have written in your OP you will see that she really doesn't. It is starting to affect your career and when she is gone that is all you will have left. If you keep letting her she will ruin your career and get you in trouble. If she is really gone, she did you a favor. Divorce her, pull your support paperwork with USCIS and move on.

People on this forum will try to tell you "try your best for love". Love won't do you any good when you are sitting in the brig or when the Navy wants to get rid of you because you can't deploy. You tried your best to do the right thing and it didn't work. Have no regrets but watch your "six" and "protect yourself at all times".

[lierre 224]

Thank you for the replies. Yes, I got her involved with some other indonesian people in the area when she first arrived. She has a fairly large group of people that she can talk with. She doesnt spend much time with them though, because she says they arent the friends she had back home.

Yes, I agree that it would have been nice to bring her with me to see my father, and I definetely considered it. She has a history of making a scene though because she cant control her emotions. During christmas when my father was sick, she got in a serious verbal argument with my mother. She and I had a small fight and my wife wouldnt move from the couch, my mother tried to console her and tried to get her to go out with all the women. She explained to her that my father was sick and that we should make the most of the christmas because he might not have another christmas. My wife went into a rant about her mother could probably die at any time and that nobody thought about her. (Her mother is healthy and fine) She then decided she wanted to leave the family and get on a greyhound bus back to our home 4 states away. So I am leery about bringing her into a situation as delicate as my father laying in his deathbed, she has a tendancy to make everything about her if she isnt getting enough attention.

So sorry to hear this. This makes me think she might be a lost cause. But, how many months has it been since she moved there? I don't want to lose hope for your relationship.

But really... Marriage should be worked on by both of you. I am jobless and completely financially dependent on someone else for the first time in my adult life. It constantly perplexes me how some childless, jobless spouses can be okay with that. But, I don't bring out my frustration on my husband. I was aware of what I agreed to before I even said yes to my husband's marriage proposal. It seems to me your wife wasn't prepared enough or is just still badly coping by denying she has to adjust her attitude.

If she can be still and be involved in a serious talk about issues she has and you have, I believe there is hope for you two. If she can't even be mature enough to be willing to listen to you, I have to say it is best you let go.

[rlogan 2,036]

Sorry for the wall of text, but here is my real question. We filed for adjustment of status, but have not been through our interview yet.

Notify USCIS you are rescinding the affadavit of support, that the marriage is not viable, and that you will be divorcing her. She will not receive adjustment of status. Then work your way to divorce.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[Karee 4,189]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I guess that's a nice way of saying spoiled brat.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I guess that's a nice way of saying spoiled brat.

It goes beyond that. Who in their right mind would say to someone whose husband was terminally ill, "Oh yeah, well my perfectly healthy mother could die by lightening strike, so you should give me sympathy and attention! How come you don't think of me more!" That is just...... psychotic.......

Edited February 15, 2013 by Harpa Timsah

[Villanelle 4,121]

Sorry for the wall of text, but here is my real question. We filed for adjustment of status, but have not been through our interview yet. What can I do? Its starting to become obvious that she is not interested in making the marriage work. (She changed her apartment in indonesia she got from her first husband to her name instead of her mothers last week before this started, by using my money and then paying me back later) My job is in ruins almost, my heart is broken and my life is in shambles and her life is fine back in indonesia.. and she doesnt want to leave. She says she wants to divorce me, so the navy stops paying me marital funds for housing, and I am assuming to try to get spousal support. (But we cant be divorced before being married a year in my state) What do I do?!

First you need to separate immigration and divorce laws from the mix. You need to decide if you want to stay in the marriage or not. Its a personal choice and only you can make it. Adjusting to a new life in the US is hard for some immigrants. Adjusting to marriage is hard for some people. Adjusting to military life is hard for some spouses. Adjusting to all three at the same time can be incredibly difficult. On the other hand some people do suffer from 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder', or its just simply not meant to be.

If your life is in shambles, your wife wont do therapy, and wont work on making it better- well it takes both people to make it better. You cant fix it alone.

But you need to say where you are at. There are plenty of people here that can offer you advice or assistance in whatever situation you are in. If youre still willing to make it work then listen to ivy. Seek support from members like her. Find threads about tips for adjusting and getting through rough patches. If youre beyond that, then move on.

Roigan is correct. You dont need a divorce to withdraw your support of her pending AOS. You simply notify USCIS that you filed for divorce. So file for divorce. Yes, it will take a year to be finalized in your state. The only way for her to adjust status would be to file a false claim of abuse, so when you file for divorce, cease all contact with her. so not be alone with her and she'll have no opportunity to file a false report of abuse against you which could severely jeopardize your future.

[Villanelle 4,121]

double post

Edited February 15, 2013 by capri