The Big Talk

[Henia 11]

Well he told me he went to the parking garage, then to clean the car...that is why he was late to work. Hmmm this does not make sense to me, but then again alot of things in Algerie do not. When at work, he did his job and went to the other office of his company and to the bank to check the company's financially statements. He called his employer to *verfiy* that he was *really* at those places..but I did not want to hear it... Also he said this Naima person was texting him, but he was not replying. (Hmmm again...yet there was talk of a meeting) ... he told to also verify this with his friend and cousins...but I thought why waste the time. After my post this morning he tried to play lovey dovey with me all afternoon but I remembered him we wre fasting. He started to be childish and I actually saw some tears... I told him to save it and stuff it somewhere (nicely of course) I was and am upset, confused ... My mum telefoned me so I could speak to my daughter who I am missing terribly, which gave me much needed peace. Also I had prayed a few Sunnah prayers and did my du'uas which also brought me down from my state. I feel fine now...you know that feeling you get right after you have cried.

I guess I do believe him... as I do know him and his mannerisms. But I kept remembering him that I donnot trust him at all, but I am trusting and faithfully only to Allah...so I give myself to Allah...and trust Allah protect and keep me. And also I need time to filter out my feeling... and until then he will have alot of *making up* to do.

Henia, it's none of my business, and feel free not to answer if you don't want to, but did you ever find out where your husband was yesterday when his work kept calling for him? In your first post, you said that Naima left a message saying he was late for a meeting. He wasn't meeting her yesterday, was he?

I really hope you're able to get a clear answer soon. You seem to be a very strong person , so whatever the future holds, I'm sure you'll come out just fine!

[doodlebug 3]

Henia, it's none of my business, and feel free not to answer if you don't want to, but did you ever find out where your husband was yesterday when his work kept calling for him? In your first post, you said that Naima left a message saying he was late for a meeting. He wasn't meeting her yesterday, was he?

I really hope you're able to get a clear answer soon. You seem to be a very strong person , so whatever the future holds, I'm sure you'll come out just fine!

Fact #1: He did get two messages from her saying that he was LATE for the meeting and why hadn't he called.

Fact #2: His face turned white when you mentioned her name.

Mysterious #1: He said she TRIES to keep meeting him. That to me says that he never agrees....so if he never agrees to meet...why on earth would he be LATE?

I dunno. I feel for ya girl. (((hugs)))). I've been there done that though not in a foreign country but with an 11 month old and a barely 2 week old in my arms and I KNOW the feelings that you must be going through.

You need to think things logically when he is not around, i.e. when it's a day he goes to work and he's not trying to schmooze you.

I sure wish we were all there to talk you through this but at least it's Ramadan where our prayers are answered a lot more. Insha Allah He will guide you on the straight path..the one that will be best for your deen, and for your daughter.

[chri'stina 190]

It really makes me worried reading this. Maybe it's a cultural difference that I am not understanding?

This all sounds awful and if you lost trust so fast (due to his weird behaviors you mentioned), it doesn't sound like a very good foundation for marriage.

I'm sorry because I am sure that the anticipation of being there with him was amazing, and you don't want things to go sour after waiting so long.

I don't know what to say, but you are posting this for all to read, the bad marital issues you are having with your new husband, and as a reader it looks very worrisome to me. Like, most people wouldn't tolerate feeling this way for long before deciding on the future. But I know I am on the outside just reading so I may not undertsand it.

If you do not mind anyone being able to read this and wondering what is going on over there, that's ok if you feel comfortable with that. But I hope you do realize that also, anyone can read this and not understand whether you are now simply miserable or just facing cultural issues? I really really hope the best for you. But please be aware that this is out here for all to read, who will make assumptions and wonder why you are tolerating this. Either it's just newly married issues or it's longterm issues.

I am not writing this to say don't talk about this here, because you are welcome to discuss anything, and I know you need to vent. But the picture you are painting of your husband is not an appealing one to me, because we only know what you write to us here. I'm just trying to let you know how an outsider reading this feels. If you really are feeling miserable and hopeless, I pray you feel better and that things get better between you and your husband. But you have to decide what you will tolerate and what you will not. We can't decide that for you. God bless.

[CarolineM 0]

But I kept remembering him that I donnot trust him at all.

Maybe it's a cultural thing - but the SECOND the phrase "I don't trust my husband at all" exited my mouth....i would have SERIOUS concerns...

[honeyblonde 0]

Henia,

Do you really want our advice? My sister's ex cheated on her for over two years before she finally listened to me. I was telling her the whole time what he was doing but she didn't want to hear it. She kept saying that she would wait for God to tell her what to do even though I could tell just from what she was telling me that he was. When she finally opened his cell phone bill because it wasn't sealed and saw that he was getting up after she was asleep every night and spending over two hours on the phone with the other woman she started to listen to me.

Even if he still cares about you, it is obvious that he cares about this woman too. You have to decide if you want to share your husband's affections with another woman. Maybe he got himself into this situation innocently enough, but it's obvious that he is in the middle of something unpleasant for you. He may clean up his act for the rest of your visit in the hope of saving his green card, but it sounds to me like that's all he wants right now. He's not treating you like a man treats a woman he loves - that's for sure.

I know it can be hard to accept when someone isn't treating you right, but you have to for your own good. You don't deserve this. If you want to talk to me more about this, please PM me and I will be there for you as much as possible.

Liz

[dawnnhatem 0]

But I kept remembering him that I donnot trust him at all.

Maybe it's a cultural thing - but the SECOND the phrase "I don't trust my husband at all" exited my mouth....i would have SERIOUS concerns...

I think you might be pulling this out of context......I think what she is saying is that the situation and what comes of it isn't about her or her husband...but god's plan.

Wish I had real advice here, but when it comes to fixing things at home, I cant even pretend to know anything.

You are alone out there. I feel so bad for you. I hope you can find anything to tell yourself to be comfortable for the next month, and come back. It doesn't have to be about leaving him or the situation, but to preserve the option of making any changes later. Nov 4 you lose the ability to enter the US, don't you? I just hope you don't let that door close....you can always go back to Algeria if you want to, but it might get impossible to come back to the us.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I am really sorry you are going through all of this. Especially as a new bride you should not have to endure any of it at all. Stay strong

[Together4ever 1]

I've been sitting here with my heart in my throat all afternoon worrying about the "advice" she's going to receive. It's SO easy to jump to conclusions based on little information. It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong with our opinions. I think Henia is handling this with grace and intelligence and not letting her pain rule her. I am one who trusts she'll do what's best for herself and that all things will be as they should be.

[honeyblonde 0]

I've been sitting here with my heart in my throat all afternoon worrying about the "advice" she's going to receive. It's SO easy to jump to conclusions based on little information. It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong with our opinions. I think Henia is handling this with grace and intelligence and not letting her pain rule her. I am one who trusts she'll do what's best for herself and that all things will be as they should be.

You are right Jean, only she knows what is best. I guess this hits home so bad for me because my sister kept waiting for "God" to tell her what to do and ended up getting an ulcer in her colon from all the worrying and stress. Now she has ulcerative colitis for life. She goes into remission, but it never seems to last more than a year and then she's back to heavy medication, special diet, and regular doctor visits.

Sometimes "God" is telling you something that you don't want to hear and you keep asking for a better answer. It's easy to say nice things to people to make them feel better, but if their gut feeling is something that isn't so nice, that has to be dealt with.

I don't think Henia would be posting here about this if she didn't have huge doubts.

My sister is divorced now, but she will live the rest of her life with the disease she got from the stress this man put her through. Henia has less than a month to decide how to handle things. If she decided to end the relationship it would be best to begin divorce proceedings before she leaves there. This isn't a decision she has a month to sit on and think about, it's something she has to be rational about, even if it is hard. Of course she could decide to stay with him, that's her choice too.

I don't mean to try to make that decision for her. Only she can do that. Just that whatever she decides, she has asked for our input to help give her information that might help her make it. I gave my opinion based on what she told us - that's all I can do.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I've been sitting here with my heart in my throat all afternoon worrying about the "advice" she's going to receive. It's SO easy to jump to conclusions based on little information. It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong with our opinions. I think Henia is handling this with grace and intelligence and not letting her pain rule her. I am one who trusts she'll do what's best for herself and that all things will be as they should be.

Jean please don't take this the wrong way. I don't think there is anything for you to be worried about or be nervous about. I think Henia is fully aware that she is going to get mixed reactions. I don't think she has recieved any bad advice at all, she may have recieved some advice that she doesnt care for or doesn't agree with. However the good thing is she can take all the advice, the good and the bad and come to her own conclusion.

I think that anyone who posts such personal information is going to get a mixed bag of reactions and most people know that when posting. She should absoulutly do what is best for herself and her situation. All we can do is offer advice based on the few details we know and the few that are given to us and its up to the OP how do accept those opinions.

[Jenn! 918]

I've been sitting here with my heart in my throat all afternoon worrying about the "advice" she's going to receive. It's SO easy to jump to conclusions based on little information. It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong with our opinions. I think Henia is handling this with grace and intelligence and not letting her pain rule her. I am one who trusts she'll do what's best for herself and that all things will be as they should be.

Jean please don't take this the wrong way. I don't think there is anything for you to be worried about or be nervous about. I think Henia is fully aware that she is going to get mixed reactions. I don't think she has recieved any bad advice at all, she may have recieved some advice that she doesnt care for or doesn't agree with. However the good thing is she can take all the advice, the good and the bad and come to her own conclusion.

I think that anyone who posts such personal information is going to get a mixed bag of reactions and most people know that when posting. She should absoulutly do what is best for herself and her situation. All we can do is offer advice based on the few details we know and the few that are given to us and its up to the OP how do accept those opinions.

I have to agree with you here, JP. Even though, you all know, I'm usually the first one to pipe up when I think people are jumping to conclusions. This isn't the typical case of someone casually mentioning that their SO is getting impatient and others saying something fishy must be going on. There have been many details shared about this, I think enough to come to some reasonable conclusions. Henia is, I think, asking for opinions and advice on this matter. So I don't think that anything that is said here is unsolicited.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I've been sitting here with my heart in my throat all afternoon worrying about the "advice" she's going to receive. It's SO easy to jump to conclusions based on little information. It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong with our opinions. I think Henia is handling this with grace and intelligence and not letting her pain rule her. I am one who trusts she'll do what's best for herself and that all things will be as they should be.

Jean please don't take this the wrong way. I don't think there is anything for you to be worried about or be nervous about. I think Henia is fully aware that she is going to get mixed reactions. I don't think she has recieved any bad advice at all, she may have recieved some advice that she doesnt care for or doesn't agree with. However the good thing is she can take all the advice, the good and the bad and come to her own conclusion.

I think that anyone who posts such personal information is going to get a mixed bag of reactions and most people know that when posting. She should absoulutly do what is best for herself and her situation. All we can do is offer advice based on the few details we know and the few that are given to us and its up to the OP how do accept those opinions.

I have to agree with you here, JP. Even though, you all know, I'm usually the first one to pipe up when I think people are jumping to conclusions. This isn't the typical case of someone casually mentioning that their SO is getting impatient and others saying something fishy must be going on. There have been many details shared about this, I think enough to come to some reasonable conclusions. Henia is, I think, asking for opinions and advice on this matter. So I don't think that anything that is said here is unsolicited.

I know this has nothing to do with Henia's marriage or post, but my ex-husband hit me, used drugs, and had multiple affairs. I wish I would have taken into consideration any amount of the small advice I recieved from my friends. I shared very very few details with them bcz it was very difficult to talk about it, however when I would mention small things they would give me advice. I refused to hear it but it was stlll comforting to know that they also thought he was wrong and that I wasn't overreacting even though it didnt impact my decisions at all. It was just nice to have someone else say, yeah he is a jerk.

[ya falaha! 0]

I agree with JP and Jenn. I don't believe anyone gave bad advice nor was anyone being insensitive in their responses. I don't believe anyone was jumping to conclusions either. I don't know why being honest is now considered being mean and hurtful. We can't always walk on egg shells because someone may get upset. If you put your personal business on a forum you have expect all kinds of reactions to it. I love Henia and she knows that and I won't judge her situation. All I'll say is she's handling it so much better than I would.

I've been sitting here with my heart in my throat all afternoon worrying about the "advice" she's going to receive. It's SO easy to jump to conclusions based on little information. It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong with our opinions. I think Henia is handling this with grace and intelligence and not letting her pain rule her. I am one who trusts she'll do what's best for herself and that all things will be as they should be.

Jean please don't take this the wrong way. I don't think there is anything for you to be worried about or be nervous about. I think Henia is fully aware that she is going to get mixed reactions. I don't think she has recieved any bad advice at all, she may have recieved some advice that she doesnt care for or doesn't agree with. However the good thing is she can take all the advice, the good and the bad and come to her own conclusion.

I think that anyone who posts such personal information is going to get a mixed bag of reactions and most people know that when posting. She should absoulutly do what is best for herself and her situation. All we can do is offer advice based on the few details we know and the few that are given to us and its up to the OP how do accept those opinions.

I have to agree with you here, JP. Even though, you all know, I'm usually the first one to pipe up when I think people are jumping to conclusions. This isn't the typical case of someone casually mentioning that their SO is getting impatient and others saying something fishy must be going on. There have been many details shared about this, I think enough to come to some reasonable conclusions. Henia is, I think, asking for opinions and advice on this matter. So I don't think that anything that is said here is unsolicited.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I All I'll say is she's handling it so much better than I would.

I'd probebly be throwing plates across the room while doing that whole chicken head bobbing action while yelling.

[honeyblonde 0]

I All I'll say is she's handling it so much better than I would.

I'd probebly be throwing plates across the room while doing that whole chicken head bobbing action while yelling.

Mine is the Darth Vader voice. Abdel says my face changes color, my voice changes and I become a different person. Thank goodness he's only seen that side of me once since he got here and I was totally in the wrong.

I dated a whole lot over the 15 years before I met Abdel (when I was single during that time) and I used to tell men right up front that I wouldn't tolerate lies. Most of them were out of my life in 2 weeks, but my line became "It didn't take them two weeks to tell me a lie, it just took two weeks for me to catch them in it."

Abdel and I have been together over a year now and I haven't caught him in even one lie. I guess that's why he isn't going anywhere. It's a shame it took so long and across an ocean for me to find a man that wouldn't lie to me. I met plenty of men all over the world who couldn't be honest so it isn't just American men who will lie to women (or men who will lie, Charles, since I know you'll probably comment on that.) It still amazes me though that men will not care about a woman's feelings (or women men's). I don't care how low a person is it is just plain wrong to toy with someones affections.