Divorce after 1 year of marriage

[Love's JAA 100]

I

Please someone correct me if i am wrong?? He is not asking for personal advices..he has his friends and his family that know him and her and the situation better than visajournet members.. the only thing he wants to know is what to do in case he wants to divorce her!!

And I think he is right.. i am from another country too .. I got here 4 months ago.. and the first months were hard because i missed my family and friends so much...but I am adjusting little by little now..I got new friends.. I made friends with my husband's friend's wives.. and other people from other countries.. she should be happy to find people from the same country to make friends with..I haven't found anyone from Argentina or anyone who speaks spanish yet.. still i am not being such a b####..I love my husband and i know he does everything he can to make me happy because he knows that i am far away from my country, he knows i don't have family or friends here, he knows my English is not perfect.. and my culture is different..and he does everything he can to make sure i am happy.. so because of that i put a little effort and i respond him the same way..

Why are you guys talking about him not wanting to spend his money on her??.. he just said he recently payed for her to go and see her family..he is not saying that she can't spend his money.. he is saying that he let her spend his money in everything she wants.. but when he wants to spend money to pay bills like..she doesn't let him...

I am with you 100% Ms. Argentina. You sound like normal and reasonable.

I was married to what sounds like the same Chinese woman, even down to the turning off the heat to save money (and I live in Chicago not Florida). But after all the super miserly behavior, one day she decided she needs her own house on the east coast. So she withdrew large sums from our joint savings and bought a house! Never mind my input. Oh, but it was for the good of the family because she thought it's a good investment and a summer home. That was just before real estate prices went south. Besides that, she isolated me from my family and from my friends. She treated my mother like she was a diseased scumbag when she would try to hold our daughter. She also made no friends and expected the kids and I to be her total social support. Oh, I thought when I first married her, that it would get better over time, but it didn't. When I stopped being a doormat, the hostility got worse. So this case here echoes of mine big time. Don't wait 12 years like I did, to figure out what you already know.

Now I have met this nice Filipina who actually pulls out her wallet to pay when we are out to eat. She has gone out of her way to introduce herself to my mother and other relatives and friends. She's financially conscientious without being miserly or demanding. She works. She has pride in that she doesn't want me to pay for everything. Things aren't always smooth, but she is willing to apologize when she feels she's been wrong. What a breath of fresh air. My ex was NEVER wrong!

So don't wait years to decide what your gut is telling you now. Whether you are on the hook for her or not if you divorce shouldn't be the deciding factor. Your own happiness and sanity should be. I mean, after you spend $1000s of dollars and all the time and effort to bring her here and then she treats you like you don't count...

You can take time to figure out what went wrong, then find someone who values you and respects you.

[Khomer1964 0]

Felt the need to comment, it's only fair you see the other side of the story too, first of all yes it's good to save money, you never know when you can get sick or something happens and you need it, from my experience soo far american people live on credit, they never save. Second, you going around the house in a tshirt during winter is not acceptable, put a coat on and turn down the heating, yoru bill should not be more then 100, I imagine where you are is never more less then 15 C, at this temperature here in Ro we hardly turn on the heating. You are 47, in my country paying a mortgage at this age is considered you are a looser, you did not do anything with your life, in communist countries or ex communist countries all people own a place, no matter how small it is, 4X4 room, they call it home and it's theirs, google and see in what countries people rent more, here everyone owns, in USA probably only 50 % own a house.... I guess she wants to change this by better budgeting your money and what it goes on. Next, she is a mature woman, in my country you won't see people over 40 in clubs and bars, they party at home with friends and family. Next, she does not want to meet people from her country, so what I don't want that either, some tend to be bad and have hidden reasons for wanting to meet you, better to make american friends, people from communist countries tend to be mean, selfish, jalous, she is better without them. You are 47, I assume your mom is 70 or close to it, who wants to stay with a mother in law that is 70 years old? She married you not your mother, are you a mama's boy? it's different when you go to friends, that's protecting her territory, she wants to be with you then because she loves you and she is concerned you might meet someone there, at your mom's house you are not going to meet anyone. She spends money on make up and eye creams, I have news for you, she is 41, she wants to look good for you or you might pick up a K1 20 years younger then you. She is right, you don't understand her at all, it's like you haven't been married before and for sure you don't love her if you are ready to divorce her for such stupid things, help her get a job, get out of the house, meet colleagues, go on holidays together not with friends, in her country people with debts don't go on holidays, they work to pay the debt, she loved you very much trust me if at 41 she married a man with no house, no big bank account and she is not interested in spending your money on expensive holidays, jewlery and a private bank account in her country...eye cream are you serious, really? Really? What is next she asked you money for a pair of pantyhose as well? WOW you better divorce her then for sure...You should be happy you got such a responsible woman, she respects you, she does not cheat on you, she takes care of you, you are 50 and still a party boy you were not ready to settle down...question, do you spend money on your car? Do you spend money on your drinks in the club? 100 each time? She gives 50 on an eye cream that lasts for 6 months....you are the problem here, not her, if you really love her this can easily be solved...good luck

I am a loser for having a mortgage at 47? I know people in this country who never owned a home, a car or held a job that paid over minimum wage, so i don't get your point. Maybe in Romania it is considered a loser, but not in America. i make a very good living and bought my own home instead of renting from someone and wasting money. So, if that is being a loser, then America is full of losers. Owning your own house and paying a mortgage means you are looking to the future, building your credit and putting equity in your home. So i don't know what you are talking about. Secondly, I don't go to clubs. we don't go anywhere. She never wants to spend ANY money except if it is for her. As far as the stupid eye cream, my point was that she has NO Problem dropping 50 bucks on makeup and eye cream, but has something to say if i want to buy something to improve our home. Typical answer from a woman defending another woman. Believe me, she has it MUCH better here than in China. She just doesn't appreciate it. I don't know how things are in Romania, but let me tell you, it is much different here in America. You don't know her, so i don't expect you to understand. It's easy to blame me and say I am the problem. So thanks for your reply. i will let my wife know she has a fan, because you obviously don't understand the situation. Good luck to you too

[Khomer1964 0]

I

Please someone correct me if i am wrong?? He is not asking for personal advices..he has his friends and his family that know him and her and the situation better than visajournet members.. the only thing he wants to know is what to do in case he wants to divorce her!!

And I think he is right.. i am from another country too .. I got here 4 months ago.. and the first months were hard because i missed my family and friends so much...but I am adjusting little by little now..I got new friends.. I made friends with my husband's friend's wives.. and other people from other countries.. she should be happy to find people from the same country to make friends with..I haven't found anyone from Argentina or anyone who speaks spanish yet.. still i am not being such a b####..I love my husband and i know he does everything he can to make me happy because he knows that i am far away from my country, he knows i don't have family or friends here, he knows my English is not perfect.. and my culture is different..and he does everything he can to make sure i am happy.. so because of that i put a little effort and i respond him the same way..

Why are you guys talking about him not wanting to spend his money on her??.. he just said he recently payed for her to go and see her family..he is not saying that she can't spend his money.. he is saying that he let her spend his money in everything she wants.. but when he wants to spend money to pay bills like..she doesn't let him...

FINALLY, AN INTELLIGENT RESPONSE! Some of the people on here are so ignorant, like that Romania chick. Look, i expect that most women are going to defend her and say that i am out of line. But if anyone wants the full version from begin to end, email me and i will tell you the entire story and you can judge for yourself. She has straighten up and is acting differently the last few days because the word DIVORCE was mentioned. She doesn't want to go back to China. So we will see what happens. I am a very reasonable person. i give everyone a second chance, have done so my whole life. I admit some of this is my fault too. A lot of it is cultural differences, different values and different of opinion. I don't expect her to throw away all of her cultural values once she came to the USA, but I do expect her to respect the values I have and my family have. I have tried to help her adjust, believe me i have. but she is very stubborn. She wants to control everything. She doesn't work, i do. I pay the bills. I give her money every week and she can do what she wants with it. She has her own bank account that i have no access too. This Romanian chick says i don't love her because she is trying to save money? that's B.S. All she thinks about is money. She never wants to spend it on anything but herself. No vacations, no fixing up the house, no buying clothes. Saving is okay, but you have to live also. You can't freeze to death in your own home when the heat if fully functional. Maybe in Romania they do that, but not here in USA. I am getting a large tax return and like a good husband i will give her half of it to do what she pleases, but i can guarantee she wont save it. It will be spent on herself, not paying bills. That much i know. We will see

[Khomer1964 0]

If she wants to please him.. she doesn't need creams.. she needs to stop controlling how he spends the money if he is not even wasting it

He is not complaining about her buying creams.. he even bought her a ticket for her to go and visit her family..He is complaining that he can't turn the heat on (IN WINTER) because she thinks that that is a waste of money... but she gets to spend the money in whatever she wants.

SO i guess that spending money on creams is not a WASTE of money but paying your bills is a WASTE OF MONEY (Money he makes anyway)

But if you think like that is ok!!

YES! Thank you! Another intelligent answer. Thats two!

[NewYork321 0]

I am a loser for having a mortgage at 47? I know people in this country who never owned a home, a car or held a job that paid over minimum wage, so i don't get your point. Maybe in Romania it is considered a loser, but not in America. i make a very good living and bought my own home instead of renting from someone and wasting money. So, if that is being a loser, then America is full of losers. Owning your own house and paying a mortgage means you are looking to the future, building your credit and putting equity in your home. So i don't know what you are talking about. Secondly, I don't go to clubs. we don't go anywhere. She never wants to spend ANY money except if it is for her. As far as the stupid eye cream, my point was that she has NO Problem dropping 50 bucks on makeup and eye cream, but has something to say if i want to buy something to improve our home. Typical answer from a woman defending another woman. Believe me, she has it MUCH better here than in China. She just doesn't appreciate it. I don't know how things are in Romania, but let me tell you, it is much different here in America. You don't know her, so i don't expect you to understand. It's easy to blame me and say I am the problem. So thanks for your reply. i will let my wife know she has a fan, because you obviously don't understand the situation. Good luck to you too

Khomer

I have lived in China for 6 years, I know you are in a difficult situation, There is no Fraud, I think you are experiencing her culture.. I spent alot of time in Shanghai, I have seen Chinese men carry The Shanghai womans purse's in public, the relationship between man a woman is different in China, everthing you have described i have seen or experienced first hand,A woman in her 40's she wont want a divorce, she will loose face and look very bad to her family and no i dont carry my fiance's purse... I drew the line in the sand

in 6 years, 3 chinese GF's and now getting married to a Chongqing woman i have dated for two years, i know what im talking about. Good luck, communicate....

[Darnell 8,478]

If you divorce her you won't have to support her or give her any money. The I-864 form says that you will have to respond for her if she gets benefits from the government. and it also says that you are her sponsor until she becomes an US citizen.. the thing is that if you divorce her now..she will never be able to be a US citizen

The green card that she has right now is only valid for 2 years.. In 2 years if she wants to renew her green card for 10 years in order to get her Citizenship she will have to show immigration that she is still married to you..

But since she will not be marry to you anyome because you are divorcing her now..she won't be able to renew her green card for 10 years and she won't be able to become a citizen. She will be illegal here, AND SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE country..

Make sure she is not trying to be married to you for one more year so she can get her green card for 10 years and then leave you..

Hopefully someone else has pointed out just how wrong yer posit is.

re: divorce - new stuff has come up - nowadays one gets a divorce, files ROC as soon as the divorce is finalized. No harm no Foul, but still has to prove up a bonafide relationship with the sponser in the submittal packet, up until the date of the divorce filing.

She CAN get a 10 year card - I'll suggest to you that you've not yet learned how 'this' works.

Keep at it, though - yer sorta on the right track, just at the bottom of the steps on the learning curve.

[Khomer1964 0]

Khomer

I have lived in China for 6 years, I know you are in a difficult situation, There is no Fraud, I think you are experiencing her culture.. I spent alot of time in Shanghai, I have seen Chinese men carry The Shanghai womans purse's in public, the relationship between man a woman is different in China, everthing you have described i have seen or experienced first hand,A woman in her 40's she wont want a divorce, she will loose face and look very bad to her family and no i dont carry my fiance's purse... I drew the line in the sand

in 6 years, 3 chinese GF's and now getting married to a Chongqing woman i have dated for two years, i know what im talking about. Good luck, communicate....

Okay, Explain to me this:

-Do all Chinese women treat their in laws poorly? (even after my family twice paid for her airfare to come here and go home to visit her family)

-Do all Chinese woman act like spoiled brats when they don't get their way?

-Are all Chinese woman loners and never want to go out and meet people?

-Are all Chinese woman selfish, self-centered, obnoxious?

Our situations are different my friend. I don't know these girls you have met, where they are from and you have not met my wife. I do agree that their are cultural differences, but i have several Asian friends (male and female) and the Chinese woman i have met are nothing, NOTHING like my wife. My wife acts more like an American woman than a woman who grew up in China. I communicate with her, my entire family does. She does not listen. believe me, i know what i am talking about also

Good luck to you too

[Darnell 8,478]

Khomer - imo -

SOME of this is cultural, but

SOME of this is lack of cultural assimilation (hers into yours) but

SOME of this seems mentally unbalanced, as well.

Is not just ONE specific area, alas.

I'm betting you can map out the different areas, yes? (no need to write them here for all to see, that's yer personal sh|te, man) but when you make HER map - make yers as well.

You should be able to see some overlaps - common areas for 'no problems' as well as common areas for common problems between you two.

In the end, I'd suggest taking both maps to a counselor , talk a bit. In the end, though - it's all about free will and choice - mostly hers, ya? If she's not wanting to change, then she's not going to change. If she's some mental imbalance that keeps her from recognizing her issues and her failings and even paths for change - well - a licensed therapist can suggest other things to you.

IMO - Shanghainese women are unique, as well, when comparing to other areas in China. Much depends on how much money she had prior to the jump to the USA, how well connected her parents were, and how much money they had. Mostly, a 'well-cultured' Shanghai women cares about money first and foremost, with everything else falling to 2nd levels.

For her not to join up and be yer partner at the house, with 'going forward' in life - somethings amiss - it's still on you to figure out what that is.

Edited January 25, 2012 by Darnell

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

re: divorce - new stuff has come up - nowadays one gets a divorce, files ROC as soon as the divorce is finalized. No harm no Foul, but still has to prove up a bonafide relationship with the sponser in the submittal packet, up until the date of the divorce filing.

She CAN get a 10 year card - I'll suggest to you that you've not yet learned how 'this' works.

Darnell, you're a little off on this...

All they have to prove is that they entered into the marriage in good faith. Couples can live apart for a while before separating.

If she can prove they lived together and had joint accounts she's probably okay for ROC. If she's on his insurance (life, auto, medical etc) has proof of trips together and/or anything above and beyond the basic minimums then even better for her.

OP, you're on the hook for the Affidavit of Support until she Naturalizes, Works 40 quarters, Abandons/loses her LPR Status or Dies...

Edited January 25, 2012 by Bob 4 Anna

[Darnell 8,478]

Bob, ya - I had realized that after my time window for editing had expired.

Thanks for catching it !

[NewYork321 0]

Okay, Explain to me this:

-Do all Chinese women treat their in laws poorly? (even after my family twice paid for her airfare to come here and go home to visit her family)

-Do all Chinese woman act like spoiled brats when they don't get their way?

-Are all Chinese woman loners and never want to go out and meet people?

-Are all Chinese woman selfish, self-centered, obnoxious?

Our situations are different my friend. I don't know these girls you have met, where they are from and you have not met my wife. I do agree that their are cultural differences, but i have several Asian friends (male and female) and the Chinese woman i have met are nothing, NOTHING like my wife. My wife acts more like an American woman than a woman who grew up in China. I communicate with her, my entire family does. She does not listen. believe me, i know what i am talking about also

Good luck to you too

Didnt mean any disrespect, im just saying i have meet and dated woman like this(and she was from Shanghai),I bought many face mosturiser masks and creams, she would never let her face touch the pillow in bed, she would sleep holding her head up wearing her housecoat. Brought her to USA on travel visa and didnt want to meet my family, and basicly everthing as described as above. But when she was good, it was the best

I agree with Darnel, its part culture and and getting used to the USA. Woman from each area of China are unique, I spent alot of time in Guangzhou, Wuhan, Shenzhen, Chongqing, Shanghai all the woman are different in the way they communicate and act.

My chinese friends in the usa are very different from the people i work with on mainland china, try to understand the culture and Darnel gave you great advise try to find a professional to help you thu this, at least try before giving up

[UK_Fan 192]

FINALLY, AN INTELLIGENT RESPONSE! Some of the people on here are so ignorant, like that Romania chick. Look, i expect that most women are going to defend her and say that i am out of line. But if anyone wants the full version from begin to end, email me and i will tell you the entire story and you can judge for yourself. She has straighten up and is acting differently the last few days because the word DIVORCE was mentioned. She doesn't want to go back to China. So we will see what happens. I am a very reasonable person. i give everyone a second chance, have done so my whole life. I admit some of this is my fault too. A lot of it is cultural differences, different values and different of opinion. I don't expect her to throw away all of her cultural values once she came to the USA, but I do expect her to respect the values I have and my family have. I have tried to help her adjust, believe me i have. but she is very stubborn. She wants to control everything. She doesn't work, i do. I pay the bills. I give her money every week and she can do what she wants with it. She has her own bank account that i have no access too. This Romanian chick says i don't love her because she is trying to save money? that's B.S. All she thinks about is money. She never wants to spend it on anything but herself. No vacations, no fixing up the house, no buying clothes. Saving is okay, but you have to live also. You can't freeze to death in your own home when the heat if fully functional. Maybe in Romania they do that, but not here in USA. I am getting a large tax return and like a good husband i will give her half of it to do what she pleases, but i can guarantee she wont save it. It will be spent on herself, not paying bills. That much i know. We will see

ive been reading this thread for a couple days now and finally decided to say something...

not be rude or anything, and i'm not definately not partial towards your wife, BUT! it's kind of your own fault.. you're a man, put the foot down, if she doesn't like it, im sure she knows where the door is. venting is good, but it doesn't solve any problems... stop being a push over, she is on your territory and since she is not contributing to the household, she needs to take your feelings into consideration.

from what i've observed, you are not completely ready to let go of her, otherwise you wouldn't even be thinking about giving her half of your tax returns. had you wanted a divorse, you would have just ripped it off like a band aid - no muss, no fuss.

the thing that makes me mad though, is that a lot of people on here are eager to send their ex-spouses back to their home country after marriage didn't work out. no matter how unbearable she is, she's not a toy that you've played around with and got disappointed in.. sorry, there's no return policy.

i'm sure you are gonna "let me have it" for not siding with you completely, but this is just my 2 cents.

hope everything works out for you.

Edited January 26, 2012 by MariyaB

[caly 48]

My chinese friends in the usa are very different from the people i work with on mainland china

I'm chinese (but born and raised in Singapore) and I've got to agree that comparing mainland chinese to american born chinese to chinese born elsewhere is like comparing apples to oranges to strawberries. Then again, even though there may be some patterns in each geographical demographic, you also get quite a bit of variation in any racial group even if they are born and raised in the same place.

No opinions about whether or not to divorce, since that wasn't your question anyway.. but Khomer1964, you really shouldn't expect your wife to be anything like your chinese friends in the USA.

Edited January 26, 2012 by caly

[DeeDee&Sam 68]

Well, she had and has an agenda. no one forced her to come here and no one forced her to marry me. She left a dying father in China to come here. She rushed me into a civil ceremony wedding, drove me crazy to get her green card and now her attitude towards me and everyone has changed. I have tried to help her adjust, but she doesn't want to adjust. She spends money on HERSELF! jewelry, clothes, anything to make her happy. If i buy ANYTHING she complains. She doesn't save anything. She can leave anytime she wants, no one is keeping her here! I told her last night i wanted OUT of this relationship ASAP and she cried and cried. I think she is full of ####### and I called her on it. We will see. You don't know her and i don't know your husband or you for that matter, maybe if you talked to her you would see what i mean, but i don't expect that you would

i would actually love to talk to her because in your behaviour i see a bit of arrogance. you cant say she doesnt want to adjust, you have no idea how hard is to adjust. is a horrible feeling of loneliness even if she makes new friends. the anger and the fights are impossible to avoid sometimes, i know because ive been there countless times over these months since i moved here. i cried and fought with my husband when he spent money to take me to the doctor because i couldnt stand it but i did accept the gifts he bought me from time to time. i see a similar pattern in you wife's behaviour and i really think is cultural shock and you should try marriage therapy. if i didnt know how messed up i am since i moved here i wouldnt talk. i feel horrible for everytime i shouted at my husband and made a scandal because my mind is messed up.

a wife is not a ball to bounce from usa to china and from china to usa. she has mixed up feelings and it can take 2-3-4 years for her to adjust and come to an agreement with her own person and feelings. patience is the only thing that would resolve it in this case. the change of scenery and culture might be dramatic for some people believe it or not

[NewYork321 0]

I'm chinese (but born and raised in Singapore) and I've got to agree that comparing mainland chinese to american born chinese to chinese born elsewhere is like comparing apples to oranges to strawberries. Then again, even though there may be some patterns in each geographical demographic, you also get quite a bit of variation in any racial group even if they are born and raised in the same place.

No opinions about whether or not to divorce, since that wasn't your question anyway.. but Khomer1964, you really shouldn't expect your wife to be anything like your chinese friends in the USA.

How do you like NY, we are in Orange co... dont know if that is considered the boonies