OK...She's met my two teenage sons - Culture Clash!

[Lena and Igor 5]

For Lena:

I have two teenage sons who, for the most part are good boys. One is now a senior and the other will start jr. college in the fall. I've had custody since my divorce 4 years ago. Good boys who have had it good (too good) with dad. Kinda lazy, on their computers playing Counterstrike and World of Warcraft constantly. So far, I am observing that they are slow to be as welcoming with Lena as I would've hoped. She asked me to post the following question: has any RUB fiancées/wives experienced the ups and downs of developing a relationship with the American kids of the OP? I know this one's on me really. I've been too soft with my boys and when comparing how children are raised in the FSU according to Lena. I can foresee this situation becoming problematic. Any similar experiences/solutions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[baron555 934]

Do the boys have regular jobs?

[Captain Hammer 113]

Can't say I have first-hand experience in this, but I do have a co-worker in a similar situation (both are Americans, she has kids, he's never had any), and I think what's worked out best for them is to just let the relationship evolve. Lots of changes going on in your household right now, and everyone's figuring out how to deal with it all. By all means schedule some family activities, but don't force it. And tell her not to fret if they don't seem to accept her right away. Even--maybe even especially--for older kids, it's going to take time.

[Captain Hammer 113]

Sorry, ran out of time on editing...

What "culture clash" are you experiencing besides that your kids are treated much more lenient than RUB kids? My experience with RUB kids (thankfully other people's kids ) is that a lot of them are spoiled brats. The parents work long hours, leaving "babushka" to take care of them, who usually spoils them rotten. One couple we knew told us that she specifically forbade sweets after a certain time, and that babushka would give them anyway after the kid threw a tantrum. She'd give in and tell the kid he could have a sweet if he promised not to tell mama. You may think you're easy on your kids, but I never got the impression that Ukrainian kids were treated with a lot of discipline. (not counting dysfunctional families, of which there are sadly a lot over there)

[1HappyGuy 45]

Your boys are upset about the disruption in their lives. They'll get over it, especially after Lena starts preparing dinners and making their lives better by having a caring woman in their lives. Be sure to support Lena and the problems will be less. But, you also must be aware of the cultural differences and make adjustments to everyone's lives. This is not a slam dunk on the new integration of two cultures and it takes time. Everyone has to be a lot more tolerant and understanding, even your boys. I'm sure once they accept her into their lives things will improve greatly. You have been living a bachelor's life times three. Things change and the men need to accept it.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I think you may be focusing overly on 'culture clash' and less on the real issue - while you are ecstatic to have a new wife and she is just the best thing for you, your boys may not share your opinion and that is A-ok. They are not marrying her, you are...however everyone in this blended family has an obligation to try and make it work

If your boys are being rude, then perhaps you need to have a talk with them and explain exactly how it is going to be - this is not the time for you to be soft. You of course hope they will be happy for you and that they will be welcoming towards your new wife. You should explain that you understand there is going to eb a period of adjustment over the next year or 2 as everyone gets used to this

I don't know if she has kids or not - if she doesn't have children then she may have difficulty understanding how children adjust to these types of events - they are their own little human beings who, as teenagers, are going to make their own assessments of whether they like her or not - being braindead as most teenagers are, they tend to make the wrong decisions

Your boys may be offended at this new stranger in their home territory who they did not ask for (although I doubt they will express that exactly) - I don't know how close they are to their own mother,

I say all this from a place of experience - my husband has 2 sons (I myself had my own daughter) - it's 5 yrs and counting and we have had or ups and downs.

Your new wife cannot demand respect - she must earn it. If she has that attitude, she needs to move into reality. She doesn't have to try to be their best friend or their new mother, she will need to feel out how she will establish the relationship with your 2 sons.....there is a lot of work on the adult's part to establish trust...they are confused, braindead teenagers...don't forget. She cannot disapline them - only you can until there is a relationship established - I would suggest both you and she read a book or resource on blended family strategies - it's a rough trip if you don't figure it out

What you can make very clear is that the boys must be respectful, courteous and behave as they would treat any other adult at all times.

Good luck

Your boys are upset about the disruption in their lives. They'll get over it, especially after Lena starts preparing dinners and making their lives better by having a caring woman in their lives. Be sure to support Lena and the problems will be less. But, you also must be aware of the cultural differences and make adjustments to everyone's lives. This is not a slam dunk on the new integration of two cultures and it takes time. Everyone has to be a lot more tolerant and understanding, even your boys. I'm sure once they accept her into their lives things will improve greatly. You have been living a bachelor's life times three. Things change and the men need to accept it.

Well put

[AmyWrites 593]

This isn't about her being from a RUB country, it's about your kids not being happy about a new person in their lives.... a "mail order bride", etc. They'll get over it, but you need to understand where they're coming from (at the same time being firm that you deserve to be happy), and Lena can't go there and demand to be Mom suddenly. It's a gradual process.

[SMR 368]

I would echo that this probably has little to do with culture. When parents get remarried the situation is always complicated for the children. Your children may be too old to accept a new "mother." Lena may want to be an authority figure for them but I doubt that will ever work. They didn't choose her and may not like her. They consider themselves grown up.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Let me add another comment - she just POE'd on July 11th - it's only 11 days later. You're expecting a little much out of 11 days

It takes time

[Eugenia1984 0]

Sorry, ran out of time on editing...

What "culture clash" are you experiencing besides that your kids are treated much more lenient than RUB kids? My experience with RUB kids (thankfully other people's kids ) is that a lot of them are spoiled brats. The parents work long hours, leaving "babushka" to take care of them, who usually spoils them rotten. One couple we knew told us that she specifically forbade sweets after a certain time, and that babushka would give them anyway after the kid threw a tantrum. She'd give in and tell the kid he could have a sweet if he promised not to tell mama. You may think you're easy on your kids, but I never got the impression that Ukrainian kids were treated with a lot of discipline. (not counting dysfunctional families, of which there are sadly a lot over there)

So true about babushkas!! My mom does that to our 2 year old!! Only Im a stay-at-home mom, but she finds ways to completely undermine my husband and mine authority...But whatever...too many fights over it...My nerves can't handle it anymore ..and just to be fair - there are MANY dysfunctional families everywhere, including US ..just saying...

[Eugenia1984 0]

Sorry, ran out of time on editing...

What "culture clash" are you experiencing besides that your kids are treated much more lenient than RUB kids? My experience with RUB kids (thankfully other people's kids ) is that a lot of them are spoiled brats. The parents work long hours, leaving "babushka" to take care of them, who usually spoils them rotten. One couple we knew told us that she specifically forbade sweets after a certain time, and that babushka would give them anyway after the kid threw a tantrum. She'd give in and tell the kid he could have a sweet if he promised not to tell mama. You may think you're easy on your kids, but I never got the impression that Ukrainian kids were treated with a lot of discipline. (not counting dysfunctional families, of which there are sadly a lot over there)

So true about babushkas!! My mom does that to our 2 year old!! Only Im a stay-at-home mom, but she finds ways to completely undermine my husband and mine authority...But whatever...too many fights over it...My nerves can't handle it anymore ..and just to be fair - there are MANY dysfunctional families everywhere, including US ..just saying...

[slim 1,514]

They probably feel kind of funny having a "hot young woman" in the house now that's off limits to them because "that's dad's girl."

"What if I get out of the shower and the water's glistening from my chest pubes down to my ball fro and she pops in on me. I mean, she's already had the old bull... what if she wants the young calf?"

Wait till she brings a few friends over. They may change how nice they are!

[AmyWrites 593]

Also, I don't have experience in this matter with RUB wives (I'm a woman... and have no kids), but I went through a similar experience with my mom who married a Cuban man when I was a teen. So if you'd like some perspective on it from someone who went through something similar feel free to shoot me a message.

[Robert&Liliya 31]

I will be going through the same thing as my son is 13. I have been talking with my son about the joining of our two families. He talks with Liliya some on Skype while she and I are talking at night. He is also getting a little sister which he is so excited about. He has always wanted to be an older brother. He is already protective of Liliya and his sister. My thoughts on family are as follows. The spouse must be first because without dedication to the marriage from both the husband and wife it will fall apart and that is worse on the children then having to be in 2nd place. The husband and wife are the leaders of the family and need to work together for the family as a whole. Children have to know that there are limits and being disrespectful to your wife is past that limit. She is an adult and your wife and she has a say in family matters. With time they will see you are happy and that she is the reason. Things will lighten up from there. Just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Robert&Liliya

[tmma 467]

They probably feel kind of funny having a "hot young woman" in the house now that's off limits to them because "that's dad's girl."

"What if I get out of the shower and the water's glistening from my chest pubes down to my ball fro and she pops in on me. I mean, she's already had the old bull... what if she wants the young calf?"

Wait till she brings a few friends over. They may change how nice they are!

I think you are hanging out with Kip too much if you think that's the problem. It's probably more like they need time to get to know eachother .

Edited July 22, 2011 by tmma