cultural differences vs. stereotyping

[Ban Hammer 12,857]

But what if someone is being "complimentary" and only talking about "their Filipina"?

Here's something that always bothers me. I've seen posts in the past where people compliment "their Filipina" in almost the same way they would brag about their car.

"I love my Filipina. My Filipina is so reliable and dependable. I haven't had to spend much money on my Filipina either. I'm really happy that I found this Filipina."

That's the type of thing I would say about my Toyota; not my spouse. Those are the type of things I find degrading to hear about a person. I cringe whenever I read anything like that.

count your blessings that you can refer to your spouse that way. if i was to refer to my spouse in a similiar manner, it would make everyone think i like hot wax.

my brazilian

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I think the gender defined roles in the Philippines are more complex than we make them out to be. While we may see the "traditional" roles of man and woman; there's also the fact that there have been women Presidents. That doesn't fit the traditional gender defined role.

I'm also bothered by the "submissive" label. I think people confuse quiet with being submissive. I think there is something called quiet strength that many people are not aware of.

On a side note, I was at a wedding this weekend and I was sitting next to a person who started talking about retirement. And I mentioned that I planned to retire in the Philippines. And he went off on a tirade about Philippine women. My brother just watched me the whole time to see how I would respond. I just rolled my eyes and let it go.

Okay, I will stereotype on this submissive thing. I constantly watch the Filipinas remind their Kano husbands, "You're the boss!" then give a laundry list of things they want.

[calibob 73]

count your blessings that you can refer to your spouse that way. if i was to refer to my spouse in a similiar manner, it would make everyone think i like hot wax.

my brazilian

You just may .....you just may....to each his own I suppose........

Bob

[rlogan 2,036]

If you really want to tick me off, then make references to Asian women like this in my presence "American (or other) men just want Asian women because they are submissive"!

Here's an insight for you: that's why they say it. They want to put you on the defensive and have your emotions get the best of you. The wording they use is important. "Submissive" is obviously pejorative. "Obedient" would be another little barb meaning the same thing: your girl is a weak, spineless worm incapable of independent thought and action.

Learn to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate your emotions and put you on the defensive. Don't give them either one. The instant you recognize someone is trying to make you mad or hurt or prideful or whatever - it is empowering. It removes the emotion and in its place the understanding about what this person is really up to, and therefore how to handle them. It is jealousy, envy, insecurity or whatever on their part that is behind the attack.

How to respond, if at all, depends on the situation. I'm not vindictive, so I am not going to say "no, she isn't selfish like you in addition to being old, ugly, and smelling bad". Just knowing my wife is so threatening to them is enough.

"Filipinas are faithful and loyal". To me, that's a description for a dog.

To say this is merely choosing to define something negatively. We can take anything someone says and interpret it in the worst light possible, and it is a silly nonsensical exercise. In this case saying if you respect your wife's loyalty then she is your dog. Gosh, why stop there if we are going to throw out these kinds of specious insults? Your wife is lower than putrid bile to you, and we can tell because you said she was loyal. It's just nonsense.

The real question is why a person is going out of their way to cast things in the worst light possible. Loyalty to a business contract or to your country in battle, or to your husband, family, community, whatever - this is such an inarguably positive trait to admire and yes in dogs too. So why do you transform "wife" to "dog" or why transform any of them into any other thing such as "soldier" to dog... The person who is in the wrong here is the one spinning your words into a different meaning.

Teddy - it isn't just jealousy by women. There is also envy by other men that leads to these kinds of attacks on your Filipina and you. I say "your Filipina" knowing this wording is often the target for negative spin by people with bad intentions.

We can say "my... husband, wife, father, etc" and there is obviously no opportunity to pretend that means they are nothing more than personal property (eg a car) to you. But if you say "Flipina" with the obvious pride in the exotic nature of your wife, this gives those with malicious intent an opportunity to pretend we cannot compliment our wife in any way without calling her property. You say she is beautiful? Obviously, she's just a piece of meat to you. Using a term of ... endearment?! *gasp* Ha ha! Just watch them go apopleptic in righteous indignation. That is why I call my Filipina my "Filipina Unit". In your face, I can use any term of endearment I want. Neener. Neener. Neener.

Self-righteousness is jealousy with a halo.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

But what if someone is being "complimentary" and only talking about "their Filipina"?

Here's something that always bothers me. I've seen posts in the past where people compliment "their Filipina" in almost the same way they would brag about their car.

"I love my Filipina. My Filipina is so reliable and dependable. I haven't had to spend much money on my Filipina either. I'm really happy that I found this Filipina."

That's the type of thing I would say about my Toyota; not my spouse. Those are the type of things I find degrading to hear about a person. I cringe whenever I read anything like that.

Because some men do regard their wives as trophies. This isn't unique to international couples, but it's more obvious here where a guy doesn't have to have a lot of money to bag a trophy wife.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

....Asian woman as docile and submissive

It's not just people's attitudes - there is a very lucrative industry that uses that as a sales pitch for men seeking foreign wives. What's even sadder is that you'll see men reiterate that attitude right here on this forum. They bought into the hype - only known their fiancee for 2 months, and they think they not only know her full spectrum personality, but know every other Filipina's as well.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

only known their fiancee for 2 months, and they think they not only know her full spectrum personality, but know every other Filipina's as well.

Still waters run deep. I am still learning about my bride. We haven't even put a dent in stories of my past either.

[gretchen_darren 67]

"You're the boss!" then give a laundry list of things they want. AKA Lambing or Malambing.... frequently practiced by many girls over the world..... also known as "daddy's little girl complex" in the USA..... as for my brazilian.... maybe monaquita???? :dance:

[B_J 2,752]

To say this is merely choosing to define something negatively. We can take anything someone says and interpret it in the worst light possible, and it is a silly nonsensical exercise. In this case saying if you respect your wife's loyalty then she is your dog. Gosh, why stop there if we are going to throw out these kinds of specious insults? Your wife is lower than putrid bile to you, and we can tell because you said she was loyal. It's just nonsense.

The real question is why a person is going out of their way to cast things in the worst light possible. Loyalty to a business contract or to your country in battle, or to your husband, family, community, whatever - this is such an inarguably positive trait to admire and yes in dogs too. So why do you transform "wife" to "dog" or why transform any of them into any other thing such as "soldier" to dog... The person who is in the wrong here is the one spinning your words into a different meaning.

Teddy - it isn't just jealousy by women. There is also envy by other men that leads to these kinds of attacks on your Filipina and you. I say "your Filipina" knowing this wording is often the target for negative spin by people with bad intentions.

We can say "my... husband, wife, father, etc" and there is obviously no opportunity to pretend that means they are nothing more than personal property (eg a car) to you. But if you say "Flipina" with the obvious pride in the exotic nature of your wife, this gives those with malicious intent an opportunity to pretend we cannot compliment our wife in any way without calling her property. You say she is beautiful? Obviously, she's just a piece of meat to you. Using a term of ... endearment?! *gasp* Ha ha! Just watch them go apopleptic in righteous indignation. That is why I call my Filipina my "Filipina Unit". In your face, I can use any term of endearment I want. Neener. Neener. Neener.

Self-righteousness is jealousy with a halo.

I think, for some reason, you're skipping the rest of what I said. I said that I'm also bothered when I read that "Filipinas are faithful and loyal". To me, that's a description for a dog. Some people are faithful, others are not; and it's wrong to describe an entire population like that. I never said it's an insult to call your wife faithful or loyal. I just said I don't agree with putting the label on an entire group of people. Individual people will make their own choices whether to be faithful or not. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say with a lot of the post; but that's okay. You're using way too many big words for me anyways.

[TeddyHoney 42]

Here's an insight for you: that's why they say it. They want to put you on the defensive and have your emotions get the best of you. The wording they use is important. "Submissive" is obviously pejorative. "Obedient" would be another little barb meaning the same thing: your girl is a weak, spineless worm incapable of independent thought and action.

Learn to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate your emotions and put you on the defensive. Don't give them either one. The instant you recognize someone is trying to make you mad or hurt or prideful or whatever - it is empowering. It removes the emotion and in its place the understanding about what this person is really up to, and therefore how to handle them. It is jealousy, envy, insecurity or whatever on their part that is behind the attack.

How to respond, if at all, depends on the situation. I'm not vindictive, so I am not going to say "no, she isn't selfish like you in addition to being old, ugly, and smelling bad". Just knowing my wife is so threatening to them is enough.

To say this is merely choosing to define something negatively. We can take anything someone says and interpret it in the worst light possible, and it is a silly nonsensical exercise. In this case saying if you respect your wife's loyalty then she is your dog. Gosh, why stop there if we are going to throw out these kinds of specious insults? Your wife is lower than putrid bile to you, and we can tell because you said she was loyal. It's just nonsense.

The real question is why a person is going out of their way to cast things in the worst light possible. Loyalty to a business contract or to your country in battle, or to your husband, family, community, whatever - this is such an inarguably positive trait to admire and yes in dogs too. So why do you transform "wife" to "dog" or why transform any of them into any other thing such as "soldier" to dog... The person who is in the wrong here is the one spinning your words into a different meaning.

Teddy - it isn't just jealousy by women. There is also envy by other men that leads to these kinds of attacks on your Filipina and you. I say "your Filipina" knowing this wording is often the target for negative spin by people with bad intentions.

We can say "my... husband, wife, father, etc" and there is obviously no opportunity to pretend that means they are nothing more than personal property (eg a car) to you. But if you say "Flipina" with the obvious pride in the exotic nature of your wife, this gives those with malicious intent an opportunity to pretend we cannot compliment our wife in any way without calling her property. You say she is beautiful? Obviously, she's just a piece of meat to you. Using a term of ... endearment?! *gasp* Ha ha! Just watch them go apopleptic in righteous indignation. That is why I call my Filipina my "Filipina Unit". In your face, I can use any term of endearment I want. Neener. Neener. Neener.

Self-righteousness is jealousy with a halo.

Thanks, but I've been at this for years and I prefer the way I handle it. To each his/her own. I know full well when someone is trying to get me to respond a certain way and when someone is just plain trying to be undercover nasty. I'm not very passive and usually take care of the matter immediately and in no uncertain terms. And to my satisfaction this ALWAYS nips that ####### in the bud. I've never had anyone ever present such a statement or anything like it more than once. And that's my goal.

[TeddyHoney 42]

It's not just people's attitudes - there is a very lucrative industry that uses that as a sales pitch for men seeking foreign wives. What's even sadder is that you'll see men reiterate that attitude right here on this forum. They bought into the hype - only known their fiancee for 2 months, and they think they not only know her full spectrum personality, but know every other Filipina's as well.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

In the end, does any of it really matter? If you love and respect your wife, and she knows it, then it won't matter how you refer to her. And if someone says something that is truly mean or vindictive about her culture, then that is just showing the speaker's lack of intelligence, right?

Many people in the US have never been outside the borders, and have no right to comment on another land's way of life or culture... yet they do it, and probably mostly because of what they have seen/read in the media. My asawa may appear to be more meek and submissive than my ex wife... but she is quick to tell me that "I will always make people think that you are the boss, and might even let YOU believe it from time. But rest assured, I am in charge, and you will end up doing what I want, so best for you not to resist me!" Yeah, she says it laughingly, but in the end, she usually gets what she wants.

On some things, we are equals. On others, one of us takes the lead and the other follows. But whether I call her "My Filipina", or sweetheart, or FiliPAINa, or Flipper, or Honey... she always knows that I love her. And if someone attacks her for her culture, grammar, or whatever, I just sit back and smile, cuz she can handle it. Like when it comes to mocking her grammar (yeah, I have teased her from time to time, cuz it's so darn cute!), but she is not in the mood, she will still my words by saying, "Ok, so my English is not as good as my Tagalog, or my Visayan... but it's better than the other 4 languages I can speak. How many languages are YOU fluent in???" Yeah, she can handle herself, and usually with a smile on her face (that I have come to discern as more dangerous than her frown).

So again I say... does it matter when others show their ignorance? Not really. Cuz in the end, if they are truly sincere in trying to slam my asawa, either directly or thru me by attacking our marital reasoning... then I simply will exclude them from my life. Mostly, it's just honest mistakes, I think. Then again, I don't have the years of being with a FiliPAINa like some of you; but I DO have the luxury of having spent a lot of time outside the US and living in other cultures. And IMHO, getting hot under the collar and "putting someone in their place" probably is a waste of time. If they truly believe what they say, will I change their mind? No. Nothing will, except getting to know my wonderful asawa better.

And for those of you who think ALL Filipinas are good, they ain't. Just as all American women ain't. The nationality does not matter. What matters is that in my Filipina sweetheart, I feel like I have found my soul mate. And I am so lucky to have her.

[B_J 2,752]

In the end, does any of it really matter? If you love and respect your wife, and she knows it, then it won't matter how you refer to her. And if someone says something that is truly mean or vindictive about her culture, then that is just showing the speaker's lack of intelligence, right?

Many people in the US have never been outside the borders, and have no right to comment on another land's way of life or culture... yet they do it, and probably mostly because of what they have seen/read in the media. My asawa may appear to be more meek and submissive than my ex wife... but she is quick to tell me that "I will always make people think that you are the boss, and might even let YOU believe it from time. But rest assured, I am in charge, and you will end up doing what I want, so best for you not to resist me!" Yeah, she says it laughingly, but in the end, she usually gets what she wants.

On some things, we are equals. On others, one of us takes the lead and the other follows. But whether I call her "My Filipina", or sweetheart, or FiliPAINa, or Flipper, or Honey... she always knows that I love her. And if someone attacks her for her culture, grammar, or whatever, I just sit back and smile, cuz she can handle it. Like when it comes to mocking her grammar (yeah, I have teased her from time to time, cuz it's so darn cute!), but she is not in the mood, she will still my words by saying, "Ok, so my English is not as good as my Tagalog, or my Visayan... but it's better than the other 4 languages I can speak. How many languages are YOU fluent in???" Yeah, she can handle herself, and usually with a smile on her face (that I have come to discern as more dangerous than her frown).

So again I say... does it matter when others show their ignorance? Not really. Cuz in the end, if they are truly sincere in trying to slam my asawa, either directly or thru me by attacking our marital reasoning... then I simply will exclude them from my life. Mostly, it's just honest mistakes, I think. Then again, I don't have the years of being with a FiliPAINa like some of you; but I DO have the luxury of having spent a lot of time outside the US and living in other cultures. And IMHO, getting hot under the collar and "putting someone in their place" probably is a waste of time. If they truly believe what they say, will I change their mind? No. Nothing will, except getting to know my wonderful asawa better.

And for those of you who think ALL Filipinas are good, they ain't. Just as all American women ain't. The nationality does not matter. What matters is that in my Filipina sweetheart, I feel like I have found my soul mate. And I am so lucky to have her.

Seriously, that was a great post.

[gretchen_darren 67]

"Ok, so my English is not as good as my Tagalog, or my Visayan... but it's better than the other 4 languages I can speak. How many languages are YOU fluent in???" :rofl:

Yeah, she can handle herself, and usually with a smile on her face (that I have come to discern as more dangerous than her frown).

:thumbs: :thumbs:

[one...two...tree 2,762]

In the end, does any of it really matter?

It at least matters to the international dating industry that depends on stereotyping these Filipinas for a good sales pitch. If an American guy who knows his odds are slim that he'll be able to find a pretty, young woman who is docile and submissive here in the states, using an international dating site that promises him instant access to a plethora of beautiful, nubile Filipinas who are all more than eager to get married to an American no matter his physical appearance or limited source of income, so they can please him in every way, shape and form is a no-brainer. That is until she gets here and he soon finds out that she wasn't holding out on him to be virtuous, but because she made a promise to her pinoy bf back home that she wouldn't. There are many cunning Filipinas that are just biding their time, going through the motions until they've gotten their permanent resident card to carry out their true plans.

Edited June 29, 2011 by 8TBVBN