cultural differences vs. stereotyping

[LynAndArt 2]

I told one female friend that I was dating a woman from the Philippines and the first thing she said was, "Oh, you want a submissive woman", and this personal prides themselves on being a "bleeding heart liberal".

[TeddyHoney 42]

I told one female friend that I was dating a woman from the Philippines and the first thing she said was, "Oh, you want a submissive woman", and this personal prides themselves on being a "bleeding heart liberal".

I've heard that a lot and have responded in many ways, usually resulting in that statement never being made to me ever again from that person or anyone within earshot. One way I respond is to ask the ignorant party "Have you ever even met, or better yet, gotten to know any Asian woman, let alone a Filipina? One of my milder responses yet delivered in condescending tone. Another is.."What makes you think she's submissive?", or "Define submissive for me", and the best show stopper is..."Would you like to meet her and tell her that?!?". I had a million. I've had a lot of practice (cuz of my ex whose also Filipina) and have been using them again lately now that its getting closer to my fiancee getting here!

And if I'm tired or already in a not so good mood where I have less buffer.....well, you can imagine what my responses to that are probably like. Not pleasant at all!!

[gretchen_darren 67]

All I can see is the loss of culture in America. In most other cultures, there are "gender" defined roles. Many times, we do not mean to stereotype, but sometimes it cannot be helped. Everyone has a prejudice no matter how hard you try not to. the key is to know it. How many of us, would have said the same things before as a teen? I am not saying I am justifying things. But I am saying it is a matter of perspective. Only you can tell by how the person says things, as to how they mean them.

To one person, my filipina, she may be an object.

To another, he may be saying she is not part of the generalization of the culture.

And to another, it may be his term of endearment for her, recognizing her culture and heritage.

to another he may just be extremely proud to have a filipina wife.

to another, he may be hoping to learn or educate others to stop the spread of "bad ideas".

It all depends on point of view. And the ONLY way to get that point of view is through conversations. Once you know the person or see the words in context, you know the statements intended purpose.

For me, sometimes I mean it as praise, or compliment. However, sometimes what I say, does not always come out as I intended. And when someone says to me "you wanted a submissive wife." My response is,"Yes, and she wanted a real knight in shining armor." the look is priceless if they get it.

[B_J 2,752]

I think the gender defined roles in the Philippines are more complex than we make them out to be. While we may see the "traditional" roles of man and woman; there's also the fact that there have been women Presidents. That doesn't fit the traditional gender defined role.

I'm also bothered by the "submissive" label. I think people confuse quiet with being submissive. I think there is something called quiet strength that many people are not aware of.

On a side note, I was at a wedding this weekend and I was sitting next to a person who started talking about retirement. And I mentioned that I planned to retire in the Philippines. And he went off on a tirade about Philippine women. My brother just watched me the whole time to see how I would respond. I just rolled my eyes and let it go.

[calibob 73]

I refer to my wife as "my wife". She's her own person with a rich and colorful heritage. As for stereotyping, my wife is old school with splashes of modern thrown in the mix. She believes in a strong family bond, God, and that each partner has a say in things and respects what the other feels. Not always agrees, but acknowledges and respects the others' opinion. She's my one of a kind.

Bob

[gretchen_darren 67]

as for this statement: "I love my Filipina. My Filipina is so reliable and dependable. I haven't had to spend much money on my Filipina either. I'm really happy that I found this Filipina."

I see the person having gone through some very very very bad relationships before finding the current wife. Or he has heard some horror stories from others. Just the statement alone seems fine to me. But then again, there is not context before of after to give me an idea of what is meant. what if he called her "his little girl" or his "dream" or his "little one" or his "candy" or "monaquita"? To me he is saying, "out of all the girls, I have found a girl I treasure. Because she is wonderful to me. my girl does not seem to fit what everyone else is saying about girls from her culture." It could also be "I love my girl, She is very faithful. She is not a money grubber or a sugar baby. I am extremely happy to have found her." Some people only know how to express in terms they know. and in American culture, many times men compare girls to cars. It not meant to be demeaning, but it comes off as so impersonal unless you understand how important a car is to a guy in America. (the car and type of car is a status symbol in the US. to me this guy is EXTREMELY PROUD of her MODEL type. He thinks he has a Rolls Royce or a BMW with the cost of a mustang or a corolla.)

yes it could be about a car, a dining table, a house, a stove, a microwave, a suit, but he has made it personal through spanish. My filipina --> My Philippine girl. He is letting people know who she is in heritage, Her MODEL type, then saying not all of those stories are true. He is saying: I LOVE MINE!!! I HAVE A GOOD ONE!!!!

[Psoas10 17]

Wow I don't get those questions here. We just blend in me and my wife. Most people here know of the Philippines, and the food esp. Also the least submissive women I know are the Asians and Filipinas here.

[B_J 2,752]

as for this statement: "I love my Filipina. My Filipina is so reliable and dependable. I haven't had to spend much money on my Filipina either. I'm really happy that I found this Filipina."

I see the person having gone through some very very very bad relationships before finding the current wife. Or he has heard some horror stories from others. Just the statement alone seems fine to me.

Really? Statements like that are, to me, like nails on a chalkboard.

I'm also bothered when I read that "Filipinas are faithful and loyal". To me, that's a description for a dog. Some people are faithful, others are not; and it's wrong to describe an entire population like that.

However, I think an important thing is knowing the person making the statements. If you know the type of person they are, it's easier to understand how their statements are meant.

You've made posts that normally would bother me but, since I've read so many of you posts, (and they're usually quite lengthy ) I tend to give you the benefit of the doubt and understand that you're being complimentary.

[TeddyHoney 42]

In my experience, those who have said to me - "Oh you wanted a submissive wife" or the like, have always been women. I'd be willing to bet that most anyone else who has had this said to them,that it has also come from women. I can't see a guy saying to another guy - "Oh you must have wanted a submissive woman". Not saying its never happened, but not to me. Especially here in America and especially a particular type of woman towards a particular type of man. And NO I will not expand on that and create a whole other thread. But those who know, know what I'm talking about. But in general some American or western women, when making the statemen "Oh you wanted a submissive woman" are trying to say the man can't handle the independant and rather aggressive natured American woman (them - or so they think) and they are expressing resentment at the man's choice, of course without even knowing the first thing usually about the man or his choice!. I'm trying not to stereotype here cuz I know many, many, many women who have never presented that statement to me. Don't know exactly how they really feel, but either way they did not express to me.

Its an irresponsible statement.

[gretchen_darren 67]

my problem is condensing...

[Darnell 8,478]

Okay, I've been thinking about this for a while.

When discussing people, in this case Filipinas, at what point does discussing cultural difference cross over to become stereotyping? And when I use the word stereotyping, I really mean when it becomes sort of offensive.

IMO, when the speaker is a bigot, the words outta da mouth are stereotyping.

[B_J 2,752]

IMO, when the speaker is a bigot, the words outta da mouth are stereotyping.

Well, that pretty much sums it up.

[Darnell 8,478]

I think so too ! speaker's label is always important, IMO.

Edited June 28, 2011 by Darnell

[gretchen_darren 67]

the problem is when it becomes prejudice... when the person has already prejudged a person on culture by what they have heard versus learning the culture. Stereotypes are a generalization of how a culture is. The problem is when people use those generalizations to characterize a person plus the person's values versus knowing the person.

Please do not take offense to this, it is my own opinion: For me, I see Filipinas and Asian women portrayed as submissive for one major reason, Asian women know martial arts. Anyone ever heard of the "praying mantis" art form? Which would you prefer to be known for, submissive wife, or "praying mantis"?

[Tim/Mav 305]

I think the gender defined roles in the Philippines are more complex than we make them out to be. While we may see the "traditional" roles of man and woman; there's also the fact that there have been women Presidents. That doesn't fit the traditional gender defined role.

I'm also bothered by the "submissive" label. I think people confuse quiet with being submissive. I think there is something called quiet strength that many people are not aware of.

On a side note, I was at a wedding this weekend and I was sitting next to a person who started talking about retirement. And I mentioned that I planned to retire in the Philippines. And he went off on a tirade about Philippine women. My brother just watched me the whole time to see how I would respond. I just rolled my eyes and let it go.

This post Indicates 2 key things. Not going but., OK. Submissive, I'm not looking for that. If I do something wrong Mav would be all over my A__ !

What is also here is the Word "Predudice". I can personally tell you I abandoned friends I knew for even over 30 years for personal comments they made in and I showed them the Front Door. Even my own Family denied this was happening. When my Dad learned I was Overseas and Engaged he stated "Thats Ridiculous". THANKS DAD. He has apologized for that statement.

Other Family members have made Jokes. I never found them Funny and they seen my Calm Face and pretty much don't care what they or anyonelse thinks. I think we have enough stress doing this process.

Your have to NOT worry about whatever people think whether Steriotype/Predudice. In the End. It is you and her/him.