Sharing some red flags

[4theloveofhenry 8]

Wow is all I can say. My heart goes out to you. This is not an easy situation. I am amazed how God reveals things to us when we are not even looking, but at a time when we are ready to deal with it. There's nothing hidden that won't be revealed. In the end this is your marriage and you have to do what is right for you and your situation. I'm one of those people that are very pro-relationships, but experience has taught me that when someone truly loves and cherishes you their actions will show it. That doesn't mean that they won't make mistakes, but even when a mistake is made you still know that they love you because of their consistent actions [not words]. I have a girlfriend whose husband had some indiscretion with another woman when they were going through some hardships and I told her to work it out with him because I knew this man loved her. Before this incident he had always treated her like gold and stuck with her through some very difficult times when another man would have left her. Yes her husband screwed up, but none of us is perfect. Their marriage is stronger as a result of weathering that storm. What they had going for them was a very strong foundation of love and commitment before this one indiscretion and that is what I based my advice on.

Wow I love this post. Especially the part of God only showing us when he knows we can bare it. Jehovah is a wonderful loving God. Mao we are all here for you and are really feeling your pain. Take heart!

My suggestion to you is to search your heart deeply and ask your self some questions, barring the infidelity how did this man treat you in the past? Is he good to you? Is he respectful? Does he make you feel like you are important? Does he consider your needs? Is he truthful? Is he honest? Can he be counted on? God forbid, if you were to be bedridden and couldn't do for yourself, can you count on him to be there? Is he proud of you, does he support your dreams, etc. Can you trust him with your life? Only you know the answers to questions like these and others that are important to you. A pastor once told me in a relationship consistency is the key. Whatever a person consistently shows you is a good indicator of who he or she is. He also told me that just because someone is a good father, it does not make him a good husband.

Give yourself some time to process all that is happened. You do not have to make any decisions right away. You and your family are in my prayers.

[maimouna 21]

MAO36, I am so sorry to hear about this. Sending you a lot of positive e-vibes!!!

[S_R 148]

So sorry Mao to hear this. My heart aches for you and the pain you are going through. YOU did not cuase your husbands infedility and never feel that you have cuased it. Remember that Jehovah told the isrealites that each one alone had a choice between life and death. He told them choose me and keep leaving, choose badness and die. We all have that choice and no matter what we each must take responsibility for our own actions.

While you do have a burden to bare becuase of the pain, know that Jehoavah will be there to sustain you. It may feel at times as if your whole world is crashing down and you cannot find Jehovah but rest assured he is there. Whether you are making it to the meetings, able to read and study for a few moments, a kind word from a sister or brother, a special talk or magazine that helps you cope for that moment. Those are the things to look for. Those are the ways you will know Jehovah is there. Your husband on the other hand will have a very serious burden to bare. I know becuase I have been there. That is the burden of not only cuasing his wife to have to cry out to Jehovah but also having lost a good standing with Jehovah.

I asked my son last night does he know why the bible often calls a person who does not listen to whats right a fool? It is becuase they foolishly think they are going to prosper by ignoring jehovah but end up only hurting themseleves.Your husband has allowed himself to be fooled and I not only feel bad for you but also your husband. I hate to see someone go down the wrong path that I personally know will get them nowhere.

You on the other hand my sister WILL have Jehovahs loving hand and support. Also a large group of "friends" that you will be able to count on. You also stated that part of you is ready to leave and part is wanting to stay. I will only offer my advice and it does not mean it is right. But I would say if you can help it dont make any desicions right now. Wait and see what the brothers have to say and also wait to see what will be the outcome on your husband after he has visited the Elders. You may find Jehovah will be able to help him come to his senses.Also you never know how Jehovah can turn things around. I am sorry how I always offer a differant perspective but I am a optimist when it comes to the heart and I always hope a pray a situation can be salvaged. I pray the same for you also becuase I know how much you must be hurting and also how much you wanted this to work. But know this if you decide to walk out now Jehovah and your spiritual family will be right by your side and you also never know how Jehovah will bless you in this regard. Just keep the faith and do not let that lion devour you with all the pain and turmoil he is heaping on the whole association of brothers.

Love, your sister Dee

I have read so much on this topic and i would love to say a few words as a man...

Thousands of marriages break up every year, that's a sad fact. They start out great, but something happens along the way. It could be almost immediately that the signs begin showing that one or both mates aren't happy, or it could take years. Money, careers and egos are often behind the break up of a marriage but there are other reasons that marriages break up, but shouldn't.Every person who goes into marriage enters it in the hopes of having a joyful and lasting marriage relationship. Yet, many of them sadly end in either separation or divorce.Deciding to end a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions a person may have to make. If you had to make this decision, what factors led to your decision about whether you should stay or you should go?

The lack of communication is one reason why marriages finally fall apart. Some couples begin their relationships just by talking, and talking. Then one day, you notice that you don't talk as much as you used to or that the conversations have little meaning. There could be many different reasons behind this. One is that the couple are tired after work and caring for children, and just don't feel like talking. After many months of this, you seem to lose the connection you once had. Another communication problem is pretending to like something you don't, in order to make the other person happy. Good intentions, but they often go sour after you realize that you don't want to pretend any more. Now the only thing left to do is hurt the person's feelings or let them know you lied and were only pretending the entire time. This often causes one mate to lose respect for the other.

Jealousy is another reason that many marriages break up. Once married, many people expect their mate to give up friendships, particularly ones with the opposite sex. Many women don't want men to go out for a night with the boys; many men want their woman to speak to no other man. Arguments follow, and hard feelings. Distrust and finally bitterness result in not being frank with each other about this topic from the beginning. Marriage will change previous relationships somewhat, but no one should have to give up their previous friendships to suit a mate. Trust is important in a relationship and trust goes out the window when either party becomes jealous.

Jokes have been made for many years about in-laws but the fact of the matter is, if you don't like yours, there could be years of trouble. Some in-laws butt in where they're not wanted or needed, causing one person to "choose" between the parent or the mate. For some people, it's simply impossible to choose because they don't want either person mad at them. This usually angers both the mate and the in-laws, causing further ill feelings. Arguments with, about, and over in-laws can cause irreparable damage to a marriage.

Kids, step kids, your kids, my kids - it can be overwhelming. The birth of a new baby is a beautiful thing, but can cause the dad to feel left out. The mom is often tired and frustrated from dealing with the baby, making the tension very thick in the household. Or the problem could lie with older children, from previous relationships. If you're the new step mom or step dad, you try really hard to have the kids like you, but maybe they never will. Kids might try to intimidate the new parent, causing hard feelings. Arguments about punishments, curfews and other child issues can cause a rift in the marriage.

Boredom is one of the number one reasons that after years of being together, people break up. Maybe your mate has fallen into the habit of sitting in front of the television, night after night, while you sit alone in the bedroom. Someone at work notices you, smiles, and it's over. You're now interested in the new person who pays attention to you. You begin an affair that will eventually end the marriage.No woman can steal another woman's man, and no woman has the power to break up a marriage. It's always a decision the husband makes, a choice to step deeper into his marriage, or to step further outside it. Women aren't omnipotent sirens who lure poor helpless men, and this is true even of women who might have predatory leaning.

Try to avoid the pitfalls of the typical divorce by being honest with your mate from day one, remembering to do or say little special things to your partner from time to time, and pay attention to your mate, no matter how busy you are. Marriage is a wonderful thing and it doesn't have to go bad if you and your partner have made up your mind to make it work, no matter what.

Meeting a guy online/via a mutual friend etc is not enough basis for taking the next step without meeting family/relations and friends. Once the family genuinely accepts you as a prospective "daughter" in law the relationship is already cast on solid footing. Anything else is a big gamble and may not turn out well for obvious reasons. I pray God gives you the wisdom & strength to make the right choice...

Regards,

Sam

[4theloveofhenry 8]

Great advice. Id also like to add not coming into a marriage with a me-first attitude. Selfishness is the number one cuase of most relationships ending. Its better to give than to recieve and giving to your partner and making them happy first is the best feeling.

Anyway, no matter what, infedelity is the most cruel and the most selfish act you can do to your marriage mate. It breeds doubt and insecurity and leaves the other person feeling worthless and lacking. No matter how tired and bored you get with your partner each of us must remember we took vows for better and for worse and it is each ones responsibility to work at recovering what was lost. Not just jumping ship and getting on the latest model. What bags you pack you will carry on to the next destination and thinking you will find someone better is foolish unless you become better with the one your with first.

[Zee Bee 61]

@MAO36....I am so sorry that this happened to you. I was hoping that your husband was coming around. Its unfortunate that he would take advantage of you like that. I'm not in your shoes, so I cannot tell you what to do, but whatever choice you make, I hope it is the best for you.

@Rhoda_Sam....thank you for your input. Its good to hear it from a guy's point of view.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Sam,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts & opinion. It is refreshing to hear from a man's prospective about relationships and marriages. Your thoughts are well expressed and your suggestions are valid and logical. Point well taken. I appreciate your candid words of wisdom.

Truly, we need more men to post their thoughts on this subject.

Thanks again.

[HurtInTheUS 0]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SPEECHLESS AT THE ABUNDANCE OF LOVE AND CONCERN BEING DISPLAYED ON THIS TOPIC!!!!!

I would love to respond to each posts directly but it would take all night! For those who have weathered the storm, words can never described the joy I am feeling in my heart for each one of you. All the posts have been so encouraging, so informative and filled with honest red flags and thoughts. I love it!

WELLL........ I would like for you all to take a seat, relax, grab a cup of tea or coffee and get ready for what I'm about to tell you all. I'll leave out the unimportant details since the posts may become too long. Ladies & Gents.... my suspicion has been confirmed. I awakened to a call coming in from my husbands cell phone. He has a security PW set on the phone so I was not able to answer it. What I did see was a phone # flashing from a number I had never seen before. At that point i knew Godwas about to answer the prayers I had been incessantly praying about. "God if there is infidelity in my marriage, please reveal it to me, please" and he did. I called the # and ofcourse a woman answered. I explained to her that I was his wife and was only inquiring about who was calling my husband. She began to apologize and say she did noy know he was married, but she will confirm that they have been having a"special relationship' since February. Immediately, I knew what that meant. I asked her had they slept together and she said "why don't we let him answer that". She said he was taking her to see a movie in a few hours after he got off work and that I should show up at the place and we'll both confont him. I begin to feel the adrenaline flowing through my body. Wait I thought, I'm supposed to go to my husband's job and collect his part of the rent money etc. I could have said keep your money, but I then thought, "heck i still deserve what's mine". i called him with a calm spirit, yet a heavy heart. He told me to come and get the money and that he would be working a little late. (liar!!!!!). With a crooked smile, I took the money and said, see you at home tonight. I jumped in my car, met my girlfriend/play mom, so we could ride in her car, so as not to be easily recognized. Ladies..... Just as she said, they were entering into target, talking and so on and I calmly came out of hiding and said "honey is that you?? What's going on??? who is this woman??"

He was DUMBFOUNDED! he was like, Uh, uh, uh, she then jumped in and asked him, "Who is this woman?. I said I'm his wife, which she already knew. She turned and asked him "Is this true", He said yes, but let me explain. This innocent woman, becasue that's what she is began to ball her eyes out in the store, telling him how he lied and said he was single. How he was dishonest etc. She then turned and apologized to me. I then asked him had he slept with her/ he said NO! she said, do not lie, yes we have., She said it has only been a few times but we have. My spiritual mom, began to tell him how he would never receive God's blessings living a double life. She said look what you have done, You've hurt your wife, involved this woman, your stepkids will be disappointed etc etc. He looked like death was upon him. The whole time I had this inner strength that i never knew I had. I couldn't cry a tear, knowing that he double crossed me and was living this secret life. All the while i thought he was so home sick, hanging with his Nigerian boys, laughing, drinking and having a good time. But NO, he was hanging out at this woman's house after work for a few hours, then came in the door like nothing! Who coud do that with a straight face LADIES! In my opinion this behaviour that befits a monster. Anyway, I asked him to leave. He said well, I'm on the lease, i don't want to leave and I don't have anywhere to go. I consulted my elders and they are meeting with us this week to discuss my options. I am,at this point scriptually free to leave this man since the adultery has been confessed. Why is that I feel filing for divorce would be justiable but I have not called the Lawyer yet? 90% of me IS READY TO MOVE ON ladies, but that 10% is that weak, treacherous heart. The heart that makes you think you somehow drove him to this, but that same heart will call me a fool if i forgive him and he does this again!! AAARRRGGGHH. To top it al off, he told my spiritual mother (who is 70), that I drve him to do this. He said I was always telling him to leave and find a woman, because i didn't want him or love him. How could I have caused him to commit adulterey?? Throughout all of this, I find it so hard to shed a tear, part of me feels this is my chance to flee and find that true love, that real man that thought I was bringing home from africa.

Decisions, decisions,

*** RED FLAG***** Unexplained abscence when not at work & unable to be contacted via his cell phone*******

I'm OK, ladies... I really am. I just had to keep it real!

I do not know if anything I say would help you right now. But, please just take care of yourself.

Edited May 18, 2011 by HurtInTheUS

[MAO36 30]

MAO36, I am so sorry to hear about this. Sending you a lot of positive e-vibes!!!

Thank you so much!

[MAO36 30]

Hello to me VJ Family!

Thanks to everybody for offering their sincerest apologies and heartful comments. It really means SOOOO much to me. Dee, Sam, Zee, etc. etc. etc. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

It is getting more and more clear to me that he never did make me happy since he got here. I'm looking back on the day i met him at the airport, we had a big welcoming party, the kids were excited, all my friends were over the house, we had balloons, food, the works!!. We were ready to celebrate and indeed we did. Fast forward to about a month after he got here. He had to wait 6months to work because he came the k3 route, we had to save enough money to file for the EAD, adjustment of status etc, etc. he became very, very isolated and lonely from sitting around all day. No transportation, no friends and no funds. We all know "idle time is the devil's playground". He became friends with the internet when he should have been taking up a hobby, going back to school or whatever. There began the questionable sites, emails etc. but it was always dismissed when brought up. During this time is when he made a good effort to study the bible with the kids and prepare for meetings at the kingdom Hall. He finally got a job and bought a car. It was down hill from there. Please do not get me wrong, we have had wonderful times together, laughing, eating, playing around and all but there was always that suspicious behavior.

Let's talk about what i have done wrong for a moment because noone's completely innocent. Yes, i am a black woman (obviously). We are brought up to think for ourselves, handle matters, make decisions on our own and not put up with any BS. Yes, I got frustrated with him not working, when I knew all along while he was in africa, that he was coming on the k3 visa. It just bothered me after about 3 months that i was the one paying the bills and handling everything. My tongue can be very deadly. He once told my spiritual MOM, that I have said some things to him that were just down right cruel and I had. Anything from "you should be glad i bought you over here out of poverty" to "Get out of my house" etc. ect. If I have any words of advice Ladies, it would be to be humble and mild-spirited when dealing with the adjustment of having a foreign husband here who is more like your child due to the unknown to them. Please be patient and understanding until they are able to understand the American way. I think someone mentioned learn their culture, learn to cook their foods, watch their movies and wear the african garments around the house or whereever to show them you care. I was never rally interested in any of that. I was frustrated or taking care of my kids most of the time. The best quality he has, is that he never once retaliated with the name calling. He could have called me overweight or whatever but never did. My direction right now is to work on myself and correct those deeply engrained black woman "cant no man tell me what to do mentality". YES, I said it, I can be controlling.

However, what he did was wrong. He is still here in the home. Tonight we had our bible study at the kingdom Hall and he showed up out of nowhere and sat in my row, a couple of seats away from my daughter and me. I wanted to get up and move but I said no, that would be very immature. I said a silent prayer and focused on the information being taught. After the meeting ended, i saw him approaching our Elders, i'm assuming to discuss what they have been informed about. I did not ask the outcome of that meeting. I'm not going to lie but right now, I feel very violated with him here in the house. I keep playing this out in my head, to pack all his belongings and put them out by the dumpster. He should sleep in his car are my thoughts or sleep at your mistress's house! Am I wrong to feel this way? 2 of my closest friends said his things would have been out of the window that same night. For the sake of my kids sanity, I have not made such a scene. They have already been disappointed by his lack of step parenting, I don't want to cause them anymore pain.

[jenkatx 52]

Mao: My heart is going out to you right now. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My failed marriage ended much this way. When I was 7 months pregnant with our second child I found he was having an affair. I was completely and utterly devastated. I hated him so bad. I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve such a thing. Just like you I had no idea what to do. Because I was pregnant I gave him a second chance. I became obsessed with being the perfect wife & making sure he never had any reason to do that to me again. The whole thing had a very serious impact on my self esteem and spirit. I have lost a child before & I promise you the pain was much the same. Fast forward 2 years and I find that it is happening again. At that point I knew I had to be done with the relationship for my own sanity. The problem was not me it was him. Some people are just selfish. They can not put others above themselves. Once I made the final decision I felt so free. Thank God since that day my life has continued to get better in every way. I am now blessed with a loving faithful man.

Having read this it may shock you to know that I feel you need to give this man a second chance. However you need to have very strong conditions attached to it. I think that this man really does love you. And if you feel that there is any potential that he could change and be faithful I think you need to make an effort. I would make a list of what you would have to have from him in order to attempt to reconcile; things like complete transparency. No locked phones, no late work meetings, you must have all passwords, etc... If he loves you he will make sure that you feel safe in your marriage as you start to rebuild it. The faith that you share is what can get you through this time. Continue to work on your own issues that you stated before, keep praying, and let God fix him. If God shows you a very clear sign that you need to move on then do it, until then keep trying. My prayers are with you & remember even if you did some things that were not right,this is not your fault. No one deserves the betrayal of infidelity.

[shefellfromheaven 18]

Mao

I have been keeping up with this thread, and hoping all turn out good. Your post has left me dumpfounded.

In relationship we unconciously keepclose tabs on how well our partners are meeting our emotional needs.I honestly think its time for both of you to analyze your emotional bank accounts( Love Bank).

When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. I think its time MAO critically analyze the situation - think through with both your head and heart and choose a path that best suits you.

If its a path towards forgiveness - Both of you MUST build on INTIMACY, go back the basics of love. You will only obtain that feeling when your spouse has deposited enough love units into his or her account in your Love Bank to trigger that reaction. As you care and protect each other, trust will build again. This path is tough and for trust to build CHANGE in behaviour must occur in both of you.

If you decide to walk away, we would understand because no one deserves the betrayal of infidelity.

I would also like to recommend this books -

1. Total Forgiveness by R.T. kendall
   
2. The 5 love Needs of men and Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
   

[S_R 148]

Hello to me VJ Family!

Thanks to everybody for offering their sincerest apologies and heartful comments. It really means SOOOO much to me. Dee, Sam, Zee, etc. etc. etc. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

It is getting more and more clear to me that he never did make me happy since he got here. I'm looking back on the day i met him at the airport, we had a big welcoming party, the kids were excited, all my friends were over the house, we had balloons, food, the works!!. We were ready to celebrate and indeed we did. Fast forward to about a month after he got here. He had to wait 6months to work because he came the k3 route, we had to save enough money to file for the EAD, adjustment of status etc, etc. he became very, very isolated and lonely from sitting around all day. No transportation, no friends and no funds. We all know "idle time is the devil's playground". He became friends with the internet when he should have been taking up a hobby, going back to school or whatever. There began the questionable sites, emails etc. but it was always dismissed when brought up. During this time is when he made a good effort to study the bible with the kids and prepare for meetings at the kingdom Hall. He finally got a job and bought a car. It was down hill from there. Please do not get me wrong, we have had wonderful times together, laughing, eating, playing around and all but there was always that suspicious behavior.

Let's talk about what i have done wrong for a moment because noone's completely innocent. Yes, i am a black woman (obviously). We are brought up to think for ourselves, handle matters, make decisions on our own and not put up with any BS. Yes, I got frustrated with him not working, when I knew all along while he was in africa, that he was coming on the k3 visa. It just bothered me after about 3 months that i was the one paying the bills and handling everything. My tongue can be very deadly. He once told my spiritual MOM, that I have said some things to him that were just down right cruel and I had. Anything from "you should be glad i bought you over here out of poverty" to "Get out of my house" etc. ect. If I have any words of advice Ladies, it would be to be humble and mild-spirited when dealing with the adjustment of having a foreign husband here who is more like your child due to the unknown to them. Please be patient and understanding until they are able to understand the American way. I think someone mentioned learn their culture, learn to cook their foods, watch their movies and wear the african garments around the house or whereever to show them you care. I was never rally interested in any of that. I was frustrated or taking care of my kids most of the time. The best quality he has, is that he never once retaliated with the name calling. He could have called me overweight or whatever but never did. My direction right now is to work on myself and correct those deeply engrained black woman "cant no man tell me what to do mentality". YES, I said it, I can be controlling.

However, what he did was wrong. He is still here in the home. Tonight we had our bible study at the kingdom Hall and he showed up out of nowhere and sat in my row, a couple of seats away from my daughter and me. I wanted to get up and move but I said no, that would be very immature. I said a silent prayer and focused on the information being taught. After the meeting ended, i saw him approaching our Elders, i'm assuming to discuss what they have been informed about. I did not ask the outcome of that meeting. I'm not going to lie but right now, I feel very violated with him here in the house. I keep playing this out in my head, to pack all his belongings and put them out by the dumpster. He should sleep in his car are my thoughts or sleep at your mistress's house! Am I wrong to feel this way? 2 of my closest friends said his things would have been out of the window that same night. For the sake of my kids sanity, I have not made such a scene. They have already been disappointed by his lack of step parenting, I don't want to cause them anymore pain.

Forgive this man & "genuinely" reconcile with him unless you have other reasons to move on. A guy that kept his cool even after you called him names in a country he had nobody to call a friend...don't throw away the baby with the bath water. At least let it be on record that you forgave and he just couldn't change. I think you can be very difficult when you want to and also very loving. I feel you have a man who avoids confrontation with you in every way he can and this may have landed him in this mess. There is still hope for you guys.

[His Glory 25]

Forgive this man & "genuinely" reconcile with him unless you have other reasons to move on. A guy that kept his cool even after you called him names in a country he had nobody to call a friend...don't throw away the baby with the bath water. At least let it be on record that you forgave and he just couldn't change. I think you can be very difficult when you want to and also very loving. I feel you have a man who avoids confrontation with you in every way he can and this may have landed him in this mess. There is still hope for you guys.

Interesting observation Sam. I havent been able to bring myself to write anything mao. Everything i have to say i express to u personally. but this is heartbreaking. but again I take my cue from u. Ill stand by yr stand whichever direction u choose and as long as u do all with mercy and no retaliation in mind u have Jehovahs backing too. but i think also...that no one can condemn u for any anger u may be feeling. Im sure God understands..just dont go popping any tires and keying his car , yll be a'ite:D

[4theloveofhenry 8]

Mao

I have been keeping up with this thread, and hoping all turn out good. Your post has left me dumpfounded.

In relationship we unconciously keepclose tabs on how well our partners are meeting our emotional needs.I honestly think its time for both of you to analyze your emotional bank accounts( Love Bank).

When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. I think its time MAO critically analyze the situation - think through with both your head and heart and choose a path that best suits you.

If its a path towards forgiveness - Both of you MUST build on INTIMACY, go back the basics of love. You will only obtain that feeling when your spouse has deposited enough love units into his or her account in your Love Bank to trigger that reaction. As you care and protect each other, trust will build again. This path is tough and for trust to build CHANGE in behaviour must occur in both of you.

If you decide to walk away, we would understand because no one deserves the betrayal of infidelity.

I would also like to recommend this books -

1. Total Forgiveness by R.T. kendall
   
2. The 5 love Needs of men and Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
   

Apart from bible guidance I have read about the love bank and depositing love units. It is a very nice concept that really gives married couples some tools to use to repair and maintain a happy marriage. I hope things will work out for you MAO I am rooting for you wichever way you choose!

[His Glory 25]

Apart from bible guidance I have read about the love bank and depositing love units. It is a very nice concept that really gives married couples some tools to use to repair and maintain a happy marriage. I hope things will work out for you MAO I am rooting for you wichever way you choose!

the bank thing threw me off sis. Rarely can i reconcile me checkbook with bankstatement. My brain shut down reading that LOL. I know im simple.