Sharing some red flags

[MAO36 30]

Hello VJ Family,

I thought maybe I would share some of the red flags, looking back from the time we met and during the immigration process. I truly did not have a whole lot but there were a few that are noteworthy. I also have a couple of friends who went thru the process who shared some red flags they encountered. Again, we are still together and if it's God's will, he will make the necessary changes to have a happy, successful, trustworthy marriage. If he doesn't "OH WELL, SEE YA". Just let me add also, I do not hide anything from my husband. I told him straight up I am trying to forewarn my VJ Sisters who want to listen or who are concerned that they may be being used. I told him he is free to leave at anytime he sees fit and I won't hold it against him. If it means having a peace of mind, rather than being in this unusual, loveless, deceitful marriage, I'd rather be alone & at peace. He really won't leave.... it's very strange but I honestly think it's out of shame to his family. They are very close knit with a stong religious background. My issue is LIARS, I hate liars. The man is a big liar! my mother said if you lie, you will cheat and I believe that. No woman has come forward yet, but i would not be shocked if one did. He's sitting on the couch while I'm typing this. I don't care. I just turned 40 and it's time to "DO ME". Well some of the red flags were

Red flags

1) Saying I love you a couple of days after connecting on the internet. ** Impossible to love someone you know nothing about at that point***

2) Younger man, older woman who's overweight, often with kids . ***This is not the typical family arrangement in the african culture****.

3) Doubts about some of things he tells you. *** Do your homework and verify the things you discuss******

Those my 3 red flags, other than that he had me sold. I have some friends who are going through much worse and some of the men have left. There red flags were

3) On the internet late at night at the internet cafe when their not talking to you. ** Usually means they are chatting with other women***.

4) My good friend said when she got to Ghana (her husband was Ghanian), he did not want to be seen with her in public. He was not romantic and there was a huge disconnection, but he still wanted to marry her. *** What man do you know would marry a woman he is not in love with unless theirs an ulterior motive?****

5) Someone who is inconsiderate of your financial obligations by always requesting money to be wired.

6) Not genuinely interested in your life, your background and your feelings.

7) Has a few shady friends (one of my red flags). ****The kind that you know are up to no good****

I'll let you know if i think of anymore. This is only for those who are interested.

[patient2010 93]

Thanks for sharing! I do have one question...is ur husband cheating? Or what is causing issues?

Edited May 4, 2011 by patient2010

[MAO36 30]

That is the million dollar question!!! His answer is "NO". He shows may signs of cheating though. Cell phone always out of my reach, Sometimes he hangs out late on fridays but will not answer his cell. Sometimes he's MIA without a reasonable explanation. When I confront him it's always, "Come on.. I'm with my african friends, eating and drinking and having a good time". Then tell me where you are, 'Oh at a place in Charlotte' he says, blah blah blah. Then he wants to go worship God together, cook me food and clean the house to reconcile. I've told him to please go stay permanently at the place you're constantly hanging out at. My heart is telling me he has cheated. If not, why all the secrecy?

Edited May 4, 2011 by MAO36

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Nigerians tend to have separate social circles for men and woman. I have seen it there and I see it amoungst the groups here. They gather in same sex groups , sometimes even in the same house.

Other red flags, Not meeting his family

A "relative" of the same age "living" in the same house

Unexplained or poorly explained periods with no communication ( he may be playing several hands to see who will file first)

[MAO36 30]

Thanks Nigeriaorbust for some additional feedback! I hope the red flags will help others!

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Girl you are amazing! look at the response you are already getting. I am so glad you posted this on VJ. Now the cat is out of the bag, as the saying goes. It would be nice to hear from others.

If he is cheating on you or not? I am sorry that you are stuck in a loveless marriage. You are a wonderful woman and you deserve to be happy! I think you said it right; now it is time for you to take p-square's "do me" song to another level...regardless of your age...LOL

Your points are valid and well taken. These "red flags' applies to most of us women here on VJ. I praise you for your courage and honesty. I pray that ultimately, you find your true love, regardless of this one mishap.

Thanks again.

[Naijabound 1]

I’m sorry you are so unhappy in your marriage . I am not aware of your financial circumstances or religious affiliation that might affect this, but have you thought about being the one to initiate the divorce to get out of the marriage instead of waiting for him to leave?

[Zee Bee 61]

4) My good friend said when she got to Ghana (her husband was Ghanian), he did not want to be seen with her in public. He was not romantic and there was a huge disconnection, but he still wanted to marry her. *** What man do you know would marry a woman he is not in love with unless theirs an ulterior motive?****

I just wanted to highlight what you said above. Its not uncommon for a married couple in Ghana not to go out together in public unless its to get dinner or something like that. Whenever I went shopping I went with my MIL or SIL, he was always with his friends, brothers or dad. Even when I think about my parents, they hardly ever go anywhere together in public, unless it is to visit family or friends.

Sorry to hear about the difficulties in your marriage.

[MAO36 30]

Hello To All!

Thanks for the responses and the encouraging words!! I didn't want to make any rash decisions until I find out what's really going on. After all, this is more serious than just a date at this point. My children are attached, we have financial obligations which we share and there is a little potential there to make this work. He's not a monster but he certainly isn't forthcoming all the time. If you all met him you would probably would not believe he is this person. Everything will happen in due time. Like I said earlier, if he wants this to work, then he knows what he has to do. If he doesn't, then it's all gravy. He got here in 08, so I think it's only fair to say I gave him enough time before I moved on. My religious beliefs are bible based which i follow, where adultery is the grounds for divorce, however I will separate without a doubt if it doesn't get better though.

Some of my friends have been in worse predicaments. I understand there is a huge culture difference concerning not wanting to be seen out in public and I'm ok with that part. In my friends case, it utlimately led to him leaving and moving on. We do have some fun every now and then but marriage is about loyalty, faithfulness and honesty. If he can't live up to those qualities then I will part ways.

What I'm most happy about is I'm not bitter towards him. Sometimes i sit back and just shake my head and chuckle wondering "what in the world was i thinking"! lol.... Marrying someone i hardly knew from another country! smh!!!! I'm a happy go luck person and try to find that silver lining in every cloud.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

MAO36,

You are welcome! VJ is here for us to support one another regardless. Your story touches us all as women. Well, have you tried to get some marriage counseling? Or religious counseling? It sounds to me there is a glimmer of hope in your relationship. I pray that you both find happiness with or without each other. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy and unfulfilled. God bless and best of luck!

[MAO36 30]

To LoveNigarmostyle,

Thanks again. We have had some counseling from our Elders but only time will tell. I'll be sure to keep my status updated.

Let me know if I can be of any assistance at any point and time.

See ya!

[HurtInTheUS 0]

Hello, when I read this post I decided I need toparticipate. I married an “African” man,approximately 8 years younger than myself. I wholeheartedly agree with these red flags. At this time, I must remain anonymous, but Iam hoping that if anyone reads this you will think twice before gettinginvolved. This information isparticularly useful for women who meet these men via the internet.

Red Flags Abroad

· Several times I called my husband and he was atthe airport. Once he arrived here wewere going through pictures on his digital camera. He was pictured with several so called “femalefamily” members touring his home country. I am thinking he was entertaining perspective women who he had metonline to see who would become the lucky petitioner.

· All the pictures we had taken in Africa weredestroyed except the ones he wanted to use to submit with the application.

· While I was visiting him in Africa, he never hadany money. We always used my money whenwe went out.

· When we did go out it was only with one certainfriend.

· There were several females at his home, aroundthe same age, but they were never referred to as niece, sister, cousinetc. Although I met his mother and talkto his sister here in the states, this made me feel uncomfortable.

· My husband wanted to get me pregnant while I wasin Africa, but quickly changed his mind once he arrived

· He paid for his airline ticket here, but once he arrivedhe needed $1500.00 to pay back the so called individual that arranged histicket.

Red Flags in the Marriage

· Once he was here, he hid emails and continued totalk on Yahoo Messenger to women with screen names like SexyDDD.

· Always closed the laptop when I came in theroom. I even asked to see the conversationand he refused.

· Attended several functions here in the stateswithout me. I found out afterwards therewere other women both African and American in attendance.

· Hangs out with other African men here, but neverbrings them to visit our home

· He works until 1:00am and gets home about 3hours later but says he is out with his other African friends chatting andlistening to music or his boss asked him to stay and clean up

· Sends money home even when we have to handlefinances here

· Has become very unaffectionate and we have notbeen intimate for almost a year. Heclaims he is having a problem but will not discuss it with me

· Very aloof about holidays and we never celebratetogether

· Very private and locks his closet where he keepshis luggage and immigration papers

· And last but definitely not least, just theother day I was putting my lipstick on in the car and an open condom wrapperfell from the visor mirror. He adamantlyclaims he has no idea how it got there.

My husband does not like to talk about divorce. I have asked and I too feel like he is just waitingto see who will file first. However,after the condom incident I think it’s clear what my next move is.

HurtInTheUS

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Another red flag is a man that is overly affectionate in Africa. When you are there you almost never see public displays of affection. Couples don't hold hands , don't kiss. So if he is over the top touchy feely he trying to prove something and not acting within the norm. Although we are still together and have no relationship problems I remeber being in a crowded market once and it was a sister in law that held my hand when the crowd got thick. He was right beside me but she kept me close. In the market I noted if 2 families where shopping the men were together and the woman where together, the men would be summoned when more cash was needed. This is a culture where men eat before women and children. Sneaky internet behavior is a warning for men anywhere.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Hello, when I read this post I decided I need toparticipate. I married an "African" man,approximately 8 years younger than myself. I wholeheartedly agree with these red flags. At this time, I must remain anonymous, but Iam hoping that if anyone reads this you will think twice before gettinginvolved. This information isparticularly useful for women who meet these men via the internet.

Red Flags Abroad

· Several times I called my husband and he was atthe airport. Once he arrived here wewere going through pictures on his digital camera. He was pictured with several so called "femalefamily" members touring his home country. I am thinking he was entertaining perspective women who he had metonline to see who would become the lucky petitioner.

· All the pictures we had taken in Africa weredestroyed except the ones he wanted to use to submit with the application.

· While I was visiting him in Africa, he never hadany money. We always used my money whenwe went out.

· When we did go out it was only with one certainfriend.

· There were several females at his home, aroundthe same age, but they were never referred to as niece, sister, cousinetc. Although I met his mother and talkto his sister here in the states, this made me feel uncomfortable.

· My husband wanted to get me pregnant while I wasin Africa, but quickly changed his mind once he arrived

· He paid for his airline ticket here, but once he arrivedhe needed $1500.00 to pay back the so called individual that arranged histicket.

Red Flags in the Marriage

· Once he was here, he hid emails and continued totalk on Yahoo Messenger to women with screen names like SexyDDD.

· Always closed the laptop when I came in theroom. I even asked to see the conversationand he refused.

· Attended several functions here in the stateswithout me. I found out afterwards therewere other women both African and American in attendance.

· Hangs out with other African men here, but neverbrings them to visit our home

· He works until 1:00am and gets home about 3hours later but says he is out with his other African friends chatting andlistening to music or his boss asked him to stay and clean up

· Sends money home even when we have to handlefinances here

· Has become very unaffectionate and we have notbeen intimate for almost a year. Heclaims he is having a problem but will not discuss it with me

· Very aloof about holidays and we never celebratetogether

· Very private and locks his closet where he keepshis luggage and immigration papers

· And last but definitely not least, just theother day I was putting my lipstick on in the car and an open condom wrapperfell from the visor mirror. He adamantlyclaims he has no idea how it got there.

My husband does not like to talk about divorce. I have asked and I too feel like he is just waitingto see who will file first. However,after the condom incident I think it's clear what my next move is.

HurtInTheUS

Wow! I'm sorry this happening to you.

The evidence of him cheating is clear even before he got here.

I'd say, put his ####### back where he belong!

[jenkatx 52]

Very scary. Prayers for those of you in this sad situation, may God guide you in your decisions.