Sharing some red flags

[MAO36 30]

P.S.

My last post was for everyone, the first portion was for you "4TheLoveofHenry". You and I have a special connection and bond that I respect highly and you know what it is. I do love your posts and because of you I have been biting my tonuge, my lip and smiling when I have every right to be upset about something Hubby's done and it's because of your posts and PM's. I have enjoyed them all.

"AGAPE"

[4theloveofhenry 8]

Hey Mao36 I just saw your post and I want to say this, no matter what you choose it IS your choice. Jehovah is loving and he has given us the provision of divorce on the grounds of adultry for a reason. Girl if you cant take it, NO ONE and I mean NO ONE can blame you. I chose to stay through some infedelity based on my own unique circumstances but everyones circumstances and feelings are differant and you could never be blamed for saying enough is enough.

My husband for one, was not at home when it happened and on top of that we know he differs in our spiritual beliefs. That being said I hope the change in communication will bring some changes in your husbands. And I pray that not for his sake but for yours. We are all being tested by so much now and there is not one of us that is not going through something.

I know the pain and insecurity that infedelity bring with it and I would never want you to try and work through that pain if you could not handle to do so. I am very sorry you are going through that with your husband and you are having to deal with this sort of pain. If you can manage to try and work through the pain with your husband then I pray that it all works out to your happiness but if you cannot, just know I will be there to lend a ear, or hand, or whatever you need.

[MAO36 30]

I appreciate the "Sisterly Love" Girl! Prayers, prayers are always welcomed! I am here for you as well and for anyone who needs a listening ear!

You are an "Amazing Woman" and I'm sure you will receive rich blessings for your determination to make this successful. Jehovah also hates a "divorcing" and your situation is very different from mine. I do remember there was a long separation and so forth, which can make it twice as hard on the marriage arrangement. I believe in my heart that you have "weathered the worst of the storm" and I am SOOOO happy for you. You have given alot of wonderful input based on your own personal experience. "Priceless"

[lori7734 6]

Hello VJ Family,

I thought maybe I would share some of the red flags, looking back from the time we met and during the immigration process. I truly did not have a whole lot but there were a few that are noteworthy. I also have a couple of friends who went thru the process who shared some red flags they encountered. Again, we are still together and if it's God's will, he will make the necessary changes to have a happy, successful, trustworthy marriage. If he doesn't "OH WELL, SEE YA". Just let me add also, I do not hide anything from my husband. I told him straight up I am trying to forewarn my VJ Sisters who want to listen or who are concerned that they may be being used. I told him he is free to leave at anytime he sees fit and I won't hold it against him. If it means having a peace of mind, rather than being in this unusual, loveless, deceitful marriage, I'd rather be alone & at peace. He really won't leave.... it's very strange but I honestly think it's out of shame to his family. They are very close knit with a stong religious background. My issue is LIARS, I hate liars. The man is a big liar! my mother said if you lie, you will cheat and I believe that. No woman has come forward yet, but i would not be shocked if one did. He's sitting on the couch while I'm typing this. I don't care. I just turned 40 and it's time to "DO ME". Well some of the red flags were

Red flags

1) Saying I love you a couple of days after connecting on the internet. ** Impossible to love someone you know nothing about at that point***

2) Younger man, older woman who's overweight, often with kids . ***This is not the typical family arrangement in the african culture****.

3) Doubts about some of things he tells you. *** Do your homework and verify the things you discuss******

Those my 3 red flags, other than that he had me sold. I have some friends who are going through much worse and some of the men have left. There red flags were

3) On the internet late at night at the internet cafe when their not talking to you. ** Usually means they are chatting with other women***.

4) My good friend said when she got to Ghana (her husband was Ghanian), he did not want to be seen with her in public. He was not romantic and there was a huge disconnection, but he still wanted to marry her. *** What man do you know would marry a woman he is not in love with unless theirs an ulterior motive?****

5) Someone who is inconsiderate of your financial obligations by always requesting money to be wired.

6) Not genuinely interested in your life, your background and your feelings.

7) Has a few shady friends (one of my red flags). ****The kind that you know are up to no good****

I'll let you know if i think of anymore. This is only for those who are interested.

[HisWill 0]

I have read many of the post. I have mixed feelings because I can see and understand many of the points expressed. My husband is a recent arrival and what I have learned is that many of his family here that he has not seen and or talked to in years have not been supportive of our relationships. They say so many negative things about America and constantly complain to him how home was better and I ask him why then do they not want to go home after 16 years here. There was never an issue with being African-American woman, now there is as his family describes the stereotypes he knew nothing of. In addition, although they feed him with negativity, none of them would be willing to take him into their homes to live. I was told this by more than one family member. In looking at some of these post and statements said one must also consider that WE as woman (mainly) are an asset to these men. We help them become educated, employed and bring their loved ones here to do the same. Why then would they want to leave us. They can just mend the fence every now in then because as Christians we are suppose to forgive and everyone wants to save their marriage. We can become more understanding or in some cases submissive to the point that we in fact lose ourselves to save face and the marriage. We can become so angry and hostile that his (her) family will encourage them to leave us...yet in some cases they will not until they find the next willing victim via chatroom, skype and dating sights. I do not have the answers...the only thing I can say is one should always love themselves more than anything else. Try to find the strength to make the hard decisions in life before losing so much of yourself you are just a mere image of what you use to be. Prayer, counseling, family support all are good but Faith without works is dead (on both parts). Praying for all of us no matter what situation. Take Care and God Bless Everyone!

[MAO36 30]

@HisWill,

Great post! Sensible observations and many, many truths! I appreciate the advice and I'm sure many feel the same. It's no easy journey and often too late to turn back once so much time, feelings, finances and that heart is attached. I pray that things work out for the both of you. I agree that we need to make sure we do NOT lose sight of the respect and dignity we deserve!

Thanks!

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

I have read many of the post. I have mixed feelings because I can see and understand many of the points expressed. My husband is a recent arrival and what I have learned is that many of his family here that he has not seen and or talked to in years have not been supportive of our relationships. They say so many negative things about America and constantly complain to him how home was better and I ask him why then do they not want to go home after 16 years here. There was never an issue with being African-American woman, now there is as his family describes the stereotypes he knew nothing of. In addition, although they feed him with negativity, none of them would be willing to take him into their homes to live. I was told this by more than one family member. In looking at some of these post and statements said one must also consider that WE as woman (mainly) are an asset to these men. We help them become educated, employed and bring their loved ones here to do the same. Why then would they want to leave us. They can just mend the fence every now in then because as Christians we are suppose to forgive and everyone wants to save their marriage. We can become more understanding or in some cases submissive to the point that we in fact lose ourselves to save face and the marriage. We can become so angry and hostile that his (her) family will encourage them to leave us...yet in some cases they will not until they find the next willing victim via chatroom, skype and dating sights. I do not have the answers...the only thing I can say is one should always love themselves more than anything else. Try to find the strength to make the hard decisions in life before losing so much of yourself you are just a mere image of what you use to be. Prayer, counseling, family support all are good but Faith without works is dead (on both parts). Praying for all of us no matter what situation. Take Care and God Bless Everyone!

Beautifully said. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace and much happiness. God bless.

[His Glory 25]

wow y'all are so articulate...i dey fear to add anything. cept...im glad Im outta that mess lol. but i remember trying to make it work and all that jazz but when someone wants to leave....let them. I had to learn the hard way trying to struggle againts what God was revealing little by little. Sheesh i was dense and in love with a wolf in sheeps clothing. Everynight praying for that person when I should have been praying for myself. But im not bitter...tho the thought of keying his car and popping his tires does make me grin No wahala. Im happy now. U know I told a 9ja friend about this post and he felt bad for everyone especially mao and 4thloveof but he said he didnt want to jump in, in case he got hit over the head by some, cause he did want to clarify some things from the male stand pt but didnt feel it would be welcomed. if yr reading this meks...dont by skerd. keep the faith girls.

[MAO36 30]

wow y'all are so articulate...i dey fear to add anything. cept...im glad Im outta that mess lol. but i remember trying to make it work and all that jazz but when someone wants to leave....let them. I had to learn the hard way trying to struggle againts what God was revealing little by little. Sheesh i was dense and in love with a wolf in sheeps clothing. Everynight praying for that person when I should have been praying for myself. But im not bitter...tho the thought of keying his car and popping his tires does make me grin No wahala. Im happy now. U know I told a 9ja friend about this post and he felt bad for everyone especially mao and 4thloveof but he said he didnt want to jump in, in case he got hit over the head by some, cause he did want to clarify some things from the male stand pt but didnt feel it would be welcomed. if yr reading this meks...dont by skerd. keep the faith girls.

Hello Efiado,

Thanks for your post!! Tell 9ja friend to give us his input! It can only help!

[His Glory 25]

I will mao.hey got yr call girly but was at meeting cos visit. WONDERFUL discourse. Ill see if our bro will want to add. ladies be nice to him if he does comment its cause he cares lol!

btw Mao..u and mister are such a good looking couple. love that pic.

[Zee Bee 61]

wow y'all are so articulate...i dey fear to add anything. cept...im glad Im outta that mess lol. but i remember trying to make it work and all that jazz but when someone wants to leave....let them. I had to learn the hard way trying to struggle againts what God was revealing little by little. Sheesh i was dense and in love with a wolf in sheeps clothing. Everynight praying for that person when I should have been praying for myself. But im not bitter...tho the thought of keying his car and popping his tires does make me grin No wahala. Im happy now. U know I told a 9ja friend about this post and he felt bad for everyone especially mao and 4thloveof but he said he didnt want to jump in, in case he got hit over the head by some, cause he did want to clarify some things from the male stand pt but didnt feel it would be welcomed. if yr reading this meks...dont by skerd. keep the faith girls.

Please tell him to add his piece! I think that it is important for all sides to be told. Its so easy for us to get lost in ourselves and not recognize that there is another side to this whole mess.

I have to say that this is the first time that we have had a thread on here that addresses red flags in a manner that is respectful of everyone. Sometimes people just like to point fingers and disrespect the experiences of others. I feel like this is finally a place where we can all say what we feel and not be bashed for it.

[MAO36 30]

Please tell him to add his piece! I think that it is important for all sides to be told. Its so easy for us to get lost in ourselves and not recognize that there is another side to this whole mess.

I have to say that this is the first time that we have had a thread on here that addresses red flags in a manner that is respectful of everyone. Sometimes people just like to point fingers and disrespect the experiences of others. I feel like this is finally a place where we can all say what we feel and not be bashed for it.

I concur Zee!! I concur!! Speak your mind PLEASE! Where is this man lol!

[MAO36 30]

I will mao.hey got yr call girly but was at meeting cos visit. WONDERFUL discourse. Ill see if our bro will want to add. ladies be nice to him if he does comment its cause he cares lol!

btw Mao..u and mister are such a good looking couple. love that pic.

Efi!!!! Thank you! He already talking about speaking his piece too... lol. But I would like to hear from an unbiased person!

[His Glory 25]

lol I let him know but hes a busy guy...but who knows he may surprise us. He has to register cause hes not even on here.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

4TheLove of Henry,

Your honesty, your candidness and the determination to make your marriage work has shined through your words of wisdom, scriptures and openness to this public forum. I bet most of us would take some of the blame for the difficulties in our marriages. I definitely have said some things that were not words befitting of a christian woman and hold myself completely responsible for my actions. What I won't make excuses for though are the lies he told and tells, the coming home late at night without a valid explanation of his whereabouts, the disconnection and thoughtless acts such as forgetting about his marriage vows he made before God. My husband is no stranger to the bible. What I won't tolerate is hiding your phone, your receipts, mail etc from your wife. I won't tolerate infidelity, I just won't. Now, I've been through hell and back. I have a great deal of spiritual MOM'S who have been married for over 30 years who live their lives by the bible and love and adore the marriage arrangement, tell me they would have left a LONG time ago based on the thoughless acts and the high suspicion of infidelity on his part. They have been clear about supporting me whether I stayed or left and have never encouraged me to leave since this is between Me, Hubby abd GOD. The bottom line is (FOR ME). Yes, I have said things out of anger that I regret, when my Husband shows up at 3am, without a trace of where he's been. When women have called his phone and said it was business but yet got confrontational with me when I said I was his wife. There may be a cultutal difference yes, but I don't care what culture anyone comes from, infidelity is "dead wrong", lying, cheating, scheming is dead wrong and I deserve true happiness if i do say so myself. Love is not deceitful, love is not dishonest. How many chances do they get? If I were caught laid up with some man (hypothetically speaking), do I really think my husband would be waiting on bended knees to forgive me? to make love to me? He told me straight up, as a man he probably would not be able to get over something like that. Is there a double standard? of course. Sometimes, we are who we are, "innocent victims". I'm no saint by far, but I am not a liar and a cheat. I just feel those bad qualities really change the dynamics of what a marriage should stand for. I love my husband and for the last 3-4 days he has been making an extra effort to listen and understand. I will do the same. Let's hope it moves in the right direction.

Well said my friend. I pray that you and your husband can find a way to repair your marriage and his making extra efforts are an indication that he wants to.

All the posts on this subject have been candid and heartfelt. Through the individual struggles and hardships, the fact each one loves their man is still apparent. Having God in our lives doesn't mean we are perfect, error free. Thank you all for your candid thoughts, feelings, point of views,but most of all for your honesty.

I pray each and everyone finds happiness regardless of the situations you are in. For life is too short and too precious to be wasted wondering about what IFS?

Blessings.