Mother in Law OR Monster in Law?

[TracyTN 237]

While I can't say that my mother in law really dislikes (or hates) me, she does not make life easy when she visits. It got worse once we had our daughter Emily.

She came over when our daughter was 6 weeks old, and stayed for 2 weeks (in our house). On only her second night there, she and hubby had a SCREAMING match after she would not stop telling us that everything we were doing (parenting wise) was wrong. Now we're first time parents, and certainly not perfect, but Emily is/was a healthy and happy baby with no real issues (no sleeping or eating problems, no colic, etc). Despite this, we just did everything wrong and if we didn't take her 'suggestion' (which was always presented as a demand) - then she'd roll her eyes, sigh, and leave the room in a huff. LOL!!!

That night's screaming match was so bad that hubby actually had to tell her to keep her mouth shut, or get on the next plane home (and boy was he serious!). I tried to stay out of it, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be all happy joy joy the next time she comes to visit. Hubby told me that, if he were me, he's not sure he could ever speak to her again after how she behaved. That is honestly how I feel, except that I wouldn't do that only because it would be hard on him. So I can play nice, but I tell you this - I will not take one extra day off work when she visits. She is his burden to deal with, not mine!

[silvana.toma 15]

While I can't say that my mother in law really dislikes (or hates) me, she does not make life easy when she visits. It got worse once we had our daughter Emily.

She came over when our daughter was 6 weeks old, and stayed for 2 weeks (in our house). On only her second night there, she and hubby had a SCREAMING match after she would not stop telling us that everything we were doing (parenting wise) was wrong. Now we're first time parents, and certainly not perfect, but Emily is/was a healthy and happy baby with no real issues (no sleeping or eating problems, no colic, etc). Despite this, we just did everything wrong and if we didn't take her 'suggestion' (which was always presented as a demand) - then she'd roll her eyes, sigh, and leave the room in a huff. LOL!!!

That night's screaming match was so bad that hubby actually had to tell her to keep her mouth shut, or get on the next plane home (and boy was he serious!). I tried to stay out of it, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be all happy joy joy the next time she comes to visit. Hubby told me that, if he were me, he's not sure he could ever speak to her again after how she behaved. That is honestly how I feel, except that I wouldn't do that only because it would be hard on him. So I can play nice, but I tell you this - I will not take one extra day off work when she visits. She is his burden to deal with, not mine!

I know exactley what are you talking about, as my MIl is the same, the "know it all" kind of person, and seriously who can compete with that?

My MIL finds all sorts of stupid excuses not to like me, and then she runns to my hubby hoping my hubby will be on her side.. I think the main reason why I even started this topic is because i am probably The mother of Xena, as my story is so full of drama even TNT would find it interesting.

I met my MIl 3 times, in 5 years, and 2 out of 3 times(only because the first time we met i was not hubby's GF) it went preety bad, she hated me, and I ended up hating her as she was so mean and hurtful that no normal human beeing would stand for that.

LAst year she offered my hubby money only if he would start dating other women.

I am meeting her this friday.I know...I know...i know what are you thinking...and you are probably right, but i believe in giving people as many chances as it's necesarry for them to come into the light,SO I opened up comunication as she is desperately trying to get in tocuh with my husband(my hubby is really upset with her) . So i figured i give it a shot, this could be my shot to get her to know me....who am i kidding??? No, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

I'll keep you posted

[Utha 10]

This thread makes me sad coz i won't have my MIL since she already pass away and according to my fiance's story that she is such nice woman who struggle much for her family. My mom also has passed away. No mom then. But i will be a good mom!!!!!!!!!!! One day.

[silvana.toma 15]

This thread makes me sad coz i won't have my MIL since she already pass away and according to my fiance's story that she is such nice woman who struggle much for her family. My mom also has passed away. No mom then. But i will be a good mom!!!!!!!!!!! One day.

I am sorry to hear that, unfortunately a lot of times we take our moms for granted like they will be here for at least another thousand years...(that's what i want to believe about my mom-cause she is the best EVER!!)

Ok, then you are Type 3, the one that doesn't have a MIl...and that could be either way-good or bad ...yours was obviously bad not to have her. since she was a nice lady.

I liked what you said "i will be a good mom one day"...as i don't have kids yet either, but i sure hope I will be a good one even if i have boys

[Gemmie 142]

My MIL is a very sweet woman, but after living with her for 19 months..... FREEEEEEEDOM!!

I think that sums it up.

[Marilyn. 340]

My MIL is a very sweet woman, but after living with her for 19 months..... FREEEEEEEDOM!!

I think that sums it up.

yeah no matter how much I loved my MIL, I don't think I could have lived with my in-laws..

[silvana.toma 15]

Living with your in-laws for 19 months? You are my hero !!!

Edited February 17, 2011 by silvana.toma

[ryna 132]

My in-laws - mother, father, brothers and sisters - have all been great to me in the limited time I've been able to send with them in Colombia. The first time we spent time with them, it was hard to gauge as I spoke almost no Spanish, but the second time around, I was able to speak with them more and they still seemed to like me.

And my wife, she has no problems with her in-laws (my parents) either. I'm pretty sure they like her more than they like me!

[Gemmie 142]

Living with your in-laws for 19 months? You are my hero !!!

I know!

The worst part was when they became unemployed and were hanging around the house aaaaall day, every day. And I couldn't drive! My MIL has issues with paranoia and is very clingy and interfering, so it became just awful. She would "advise" us to do things that were silly, and knock on our door several times a day to ask my husband to do favours for her, etc. And if I was feeling down about something, she would tell me unhelpful things... then she had a mental breakdown at the end, and I just couldn't get away.

It wasn't by choice, I couldn't find a job out in the country no matter how hard I looked. Finally found one in another state and we got the heck out of there (still only 40 mins away but it's enough)!

[silvana.toma 15]

I know!

The worst part was when they became unemployed and were hanging around the house aaaaall day, every day. And I couldn't drive! My MIL has issues with paranoia and is very clingy and interfering, so it became just awful. She would "advise" us to do things that were silly, and knock on our door several times a day to ask my husband to do favours for her, etc. And if I was feeling down about something, she would tell me unhelpful things... then she had a mental breakdown at the end, and I just couldn't get away.

It wasn't by choice, I couldn't find a job out in the country no matter how hard I looked. Finally found one in another state and we got the heck out of there (still only 40 mins away but it's enough)!

Sounds horrifying, but at least you were able to live under the same roof. My MIL and I...if we were the last people alive on this planet we would still not be able to live under the same roof.

Thank God you found a job, it's hard living with the in-laws, no matter how nice they are...they obviously have different ideeas about life, and they want us to do whatever they say just because they are older, and know better, but obviously sometimes their advice doesn't apply to this era we are living in.

I think for some of us distance and disconection from MIl is the only way to stay sane.

[Fandango 1,439]

Yeah, I absolutely ADORE my MIL and have a wonderful relationship with her, but I think living together for 19 mos would strain things (putting it nicely).

Just got word from them that they are considering retiring here to FL in a few years, and upon reading that in the email, I actually screamed with joy. My colleagues were amused, lol.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

My MIL is a very sweet woman, but after living with her for 19 months..... FREEEEEEEDOM!!

I think that sums it up.

Yeah. There's an old saying that no house is big enough for two families.

Glad you have your own place now, Gemmie.

My In-Laws excepted me into their family with open arms, especially my MIL.. she was the best .. she died a few years ago.. I miss her a lot.

My husband's brother, his nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles have welcomed me also.

My husband's parents are both long gone, twenty plus years. I am told I would have loved them and they me.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

On the other hand, in my first marriage things were not great. My ex's family are "different" to say the least. His parents (my ex-FIL is deceased; his mother is still living)were both uneducated (literally). They had struggled all their lives. FIL was hard to take because he was always bragging and MIL was mistrustful of anyone trying to better themselves. They also had favorites among their five sons, and my ex-husband was NOT one of the favorites. This filtered down to their grandchildren, and to this day my ex-MIL has no contact with my son. Their own marriage was a weird imbalance of power with my FIL sucking up to my MIL, who waited on him hand and foot but seemed to loathe him at the same time.

Bottom line - you can't change people, especially if they are toxic. All you can do is protect your sanity by being around them as little as possible. And reserve the right to pick up your car keys and leave if you are about to let your tongue get in the way of your dignity.

[Gemmie 142]

Bottom line - you can't change people, especially if they are toxic. All you can do is protect your sanity by being around them as little as possible. And reserve the right to pick up your car keys and leave if you are about to let your tongue get in the way of your dignity.

Thank you for summing up exactly what I'm dealing with one of my family members right now (and have for several years). It really is a lesson that is hard to learn.

[rlogan 2,036]

There is a book called "Nasty People" you can get online. It speaks to the "Invalidator".

The "Invalidator" does just that: no matter what you say or do, they cut you down. Nothing is good enough. It is very common for the Mother-in-Law to be an Invalidator as a means of always putting everyone else in a one-down position.

Rebecca Jo has her finger on the right switch: the best defense is to limit your exposure to them.

It also helps a great deal though to understand that you are upset because that is exactly what their intentions are: to manipulate you into anger or shame or guilt, etc.

Once you realize that is their intention you can break their manipulative control over you. Stop reacting the way they want. When someone expects you to get upset and scream at them, but instead you laugh at them and say "I know you want me to get upset but it isn't going to work any more..." their power vanishes.

Never react right away to what they say and do. They are experts at the ambush, they are highly skilled from practice with the follow-up put-down to really get under your skin. I had an invalidator in my life and I did exactly as the book said: I repeated what they said. I wrote it down. I learned they had a little list if pet covert personal insults they were using, not always in the same order but ALWAYS the same list to get me to blow my stack. Then they would cheerfully point out how unreasonable I was for raising my voice. The unfairness of manipulating me into anger and then making fun of me for it was overwhelming, and I knew something extremely dirty was happening, but I could not clarify exactly what was happening to me until I read a number of books about it.

Once I had this list written down, every time they spoke I could gleefully say "number three" or "number five", etc. It was exhilarating. Thrilling to see how this person previously so #######-sure and cruel melted into a pathetic pile of goo and then ran away.

These kind of people also do not respond to begging and pleading and trying to reason with them. You have to give them choices and consequences have to be enforced. No empty threats. The choices are arranged in a win-win manner: You can behave and see your grandchildren or you can not come here. Here is the behavior we require...

Read the book. Nasty People.