Dependecy on your spouse...

[Yellowhead 12]

I am quite an independent person who has had various parental issues throughout my life. This has made me very reluctant to become dependent on anyone again. For the first time in a very long time, the immigration process is going to require that I once again put all of my eggs in one basket and become totally and utterly reliant on someone else but myself.

Right now, I am just visiting the USA to see my fiance and his family (his parents, extended family, as we are a young couple with no kids of our own). I am without a vehicle during the most hectic time of the year, and I feel very uncomfortable traveling on public transit in his city, as it is very large and known for random acts of crime. I come from a small city (200,000 people) with very low crime rates, and feel quite secure walking alone and being out at night alone. In my fiance's city, I dread the idea of even walking to the pharmacy 2 blocks away. When I move here on the K-1, I cannot get my license or work for 3-6 months (Adj of status waiting period), and I am really questioning how I am going to rely solely on one person to drive me around, support me financially, and help me keep my sanity in a place where I know nobody.

I am basically looking for advice about how people have gotten through this tough part of immigration. I trust my fiance completely, but like any couple, we have our ups and downs and I fear this act of placing my well-being in the hands of someone else.

How have other Vj'ers who have marriage based visa's or GC's getting around these obstacles? How can you create a foundation for yourself in a place foreign to you, and how can you create a support network that involves people other than your spouse or fiance? I am afraid this is going to put a major strain on our relationship, as he too is very independent.

Help!

(Side note: Please refrain from telling me how every perfect couple should trust enough to become dependent on their significant other, or that we are not made to be because I am fearing this... that is not always the case)

[Inky 1,110]

Um why cant you get your DL when you get there? I got mine like 2 weeks after I arrived also got my ssn as well 2 weeks after I arrived.

Canada has a deal with the US.. all you need to do is go in an exchange your canadian one.. Sometimes depending on the state you need to take a computer question test and thats it.

[Yellowhead 12]

Um why cant you get your DL when you get there? I got mine like 2 weeks after I arrived also got my ssn as well 2 weeks after I arrived.

Canada has a deal with the US.. all you need to do is go in an exchange your canadian one.. Sometimes depending on the state you need to take a computer question test and thats it.

In California you are usually unable to get a DL until you have a SSN. This varies depending on the DMV you go to, but most won't give it to you. I was unaware that the SSN comes that quickly. Is that usually the case? In California you cannot exchange your drivers license. You have to retake the test from the beginning, including the written test and road test. (this is what I gathered from speaking to other Canadians in Cali)

Does anyone with experience with California know about the DL requirements and the timeframe out here for getting a DL? This would absolutely make me feel better if I can get it sooner!

Edited December 18, 2010 by hithalynn

[Marilyn. 340]

yeah in California you have to take all the tests over including the driving test..

not to sure about the SSN issue because I came here on a CR1 visa...

[Jewel-8 21]

In California you are usually unable to get a DL until you have a SSN. This varies depending on the DMV you go to, but most won't give it to you. I was unaware that the SSN comes that quickly. Is that usually the case? In California you cannot exchange your drivers license. You have to retake the test from the beginning, including the written test and road test. (this is what I gathered from speaking to other Canadians in Cali)

Does anyone with experience with California know about the DL requirements and the timeframe out here for getting a DL? This would absolutely make me feel better if I can get it sooner!

I have a close friend whose husband got a credit card and DL in California pretty quickly. He kept the social security card in the paper it came in as a backup. It is a form of ID for most banks and I believe the DMV.

BTW, I was always jealous of my husband for his forced vacation time. I always wished I had that kind of time to volunteer and practice my hobbies.

[bluesocks 1]

Does anyone with experience with California know about the DL requirements and the timeframe out here for getting a DL? This would absolutely make me feel better if I can get it sooner!

My husband's experience getting a California licence...

Yes, you need your SSN first. That took two months, although the length of time was due to a USCIS snafu, so don't panic.

I'm assuming you have a Canadian license. You'll need to pass the written test first, then the driving test. Any California DMV will have a study guide with test questions for passing the written test.

He passed the written test which entitles you to a provisional licence (must have a licenced driver in the car with you), then spent a week learning how to drive on our side of the road. Took the driving test, passed, driver's licence issued on the spot.

California DMV website: http://dmv.ca.gov/dl/dl.htm

[Inky 1,110]

K-1 you go in yourself to get your SSN, it doesnt just arrive, wait 2 weeks and then go apply for it.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

Being completely dependent on someone else is hard, no doubt. You will have some days where it drives you absolutely insane, and other days you will relish the opportunity to just stay home and relax- take the time to read a good book, or watch your favorite TV show. There are ups and downs.

I found it to be a good opportunity to spend some time quality with my husband. Since you don't have the independence to go out and do your own things, you will find things to do together that make the both of you happy and create common hobbies. My husband and I dated long distance for 4 years before we got married, but being together constantly when he wasn't at work created a different kind of growing experience for us that strengthened our relationship. It's definitely not all negative. And you will find that those few months of waiting in limbo will go by in a flash! Looking back at it now, it was hardly a blink.

[weec 2]

@ hithalynn

I am in a similar situation. Im a very independent person, have been living overseas in Asia for years, living in my own apartment and having money to spend on whatever i wanted. Now Im going through the AOS, so far we're only at the beginning but already I've been feeling the pressure and taking it out on my poor hubby .

Its hard to rely on someone else when you're used to taking care of yourself. Even simple things like going to the supermarket, having my card (from my bank back home) declined (the whole chip and pin thing doesn't seem to have caught on in the US) and being mortified in front of all the other shoppers makes daily life seem hard at times. But it doesn't take long to settle in as long as you make a conscious effort.

The main thing for me is that Im a very social person and while I don't have a big family back home, my family is VERY close. My hubby is not close to his family at all and has also been living abroad so doesn't have friends here, so its hard when you don't have a social network. But its so easy to make friends nowadays if you're willing to overcome your pride a little, post an ad on Craigslist or respond to someone elses ad, theres also Meetup.com where you can get involved in different groups.

I was very skeptical about doing it at first but in the end loneliness got the better of me, and so far I've met genuinely nice girls who I think will become lasting friends. Even if you don't like any of the people you meet, at least it gets you outta the house and doing something.

I think the main thing is to try not to think of it as depending on someone. Make sure you have your own thing going on, hobbies, exploring or whatever. As far as I know, you can drive in California on your Canadian licence until you've been resident here for 1 year, then you have to get a Cali licence (at least thats what I read on the DMV website).

Anyway thats just my experience so far

[Hannah+Vito 0]

I tried to get my driving license in Los Angeles last year but I let it drop. Unlike you I couldn't drive already in my own country and I had 60 days after passing the theory to learn and pass the practical. It's just too busy here for me to have the confidence to move the car and not freak out. I need a big open space to practice and hubby and I havent found it yet. From memory you need Photo ID in the correct name you wish the license to be in, ssn in that same name(first attempt they couldn't process my learners permit cos it was under my maiden name still) , plus proof of .......not sure residency is the right word for it, but ead will work. There must be at least 60? days (my memory is bad i think it was 60) left of validity on your proof I think it was too so it you go with your k1 and there's less than 60 days left on it when you pass your test they won't give you the license till you come in with a renewed proof on residency. License will only be valid for the same amount of time as the proof you use too so if you use ead the license will void the same day as ead.

My FILs wife is quite a dependant person and she used tO take the bus a lot to places. I haven't yet as it confussed the he'll outa me. It's not like the London tube I rely on hubby and MIL To take me places

but hoping next year i'll have the guts to try again for my licence. As far as not being safe to walk. In LA some are safer than others. I would walk to albersons on my own from FILs place easily and if I wasn't so lazy I would prob walk to cvs from our place and not feel too freaked out. But our areas are not that bad and area

Edited December 18, 2010 by Hannah+Vito

[Gemmie 142]

I freaked out at times. Coming from living with friends for 3 years to living with my husband and his parents was a HUGE change. Not being able to leave the house without someone to take me, the differences in groceries, shops, etc was all frustrating at times too. I found that if I was in a bad mood one day (with being stuck in the house) it was a domino affect; I'd complain about being lonely, so he'd take me out, and I'm moan about the drivers, about the food differences, about the weather, etc. But when I finally got my DL and a job, it all melted away. You just need to be patient and remind yourself that you'll be independent again soon.

[Retscpo 5]

Maybe i missed something...but why can't you drive in Cali with ur Canadian license? I have cousins who visit all the time here in VA/NC and they drive their vehicles and mine all the time! Just apply for ur CALI DL and keep driving on ur Canadian DL till you get ur CA DL!

[Aztec&Taino 144]

I am quite an independent person who has had various parental issues throughout my life. This has made me very reluctant to become dependent on anyone again. For the first time in a very long time, the immigration process is going to require that I once again put all of my eggs in one basket and become totally and utterly reliant on someone else but myself.

Right now, I am just visiting the USA to see my fiance and his family (his parents, extended family, as we are a young couple with no kids of our own). I am without a vehicle during the most hectic time of the year, and I feel very uncomfortable traveling on public transit in his city, as it is very large and known for random acts of crime. I come from a small city (200,000 people) with very low crime rates, and feel quite secure walking alone and being out at night alone. In my fiance's city, I dread the idea of even walking to the pharmacy 2 blocks away. When I move here on the K-1, I cannot get my license or work for 3-6 months (Adj of status waiting period), and I am really questioning how I am going to rely solely on one person to drive me around, support me financially, and help me keep my sanity in a place where I know nobody.

I am basically looking for advice about how people have gotten through this tough part of immigration. I trust my fiance completely, but like any couple, we have our ups and downs and I fear this act of placing my well-being in the hands of someone else.

How have other Vj'ers who have marriage based visa's or GC's getting around these obstacles? How can you create a foundation for yourself in a place foreign to you, and how can you create a support network that involves people other than your spouse or fiance? I am afraid this is going to put a major strain on our relationship, as he too is very independent.

Help!

(Side note: Please refrain from telling me how every perfect couple should trust enough to become dependent on their significant other, or that we are not made to be because I am fearing this... that is not always the case)

I think moving to a completely new place -and country- will always be a challenge. However, you will be ahead of the game when compared to other beneficiaries. For one, you speak the language which is a BIG plus. Also, the differences between the culture in Canada and the US are pretty minimal when compared to the cultural change that other beneficiaries do go through. Not to say that you will not have any problems adjusting, but in the big scheme of things, you will have a much easier time adjusting than most other beneficiaries. Something that you can begin to do now to try to ease the move is to begin to talk to and befriend your fiance's friends. In this way, once you move you will not be a single person moving into a single person's world, but would rather be received by a network of friends. It is too bad that you are afraid of walking or using the public transportation system becausew this would be an easy way for you to find venues (libraries, gym, schools, volunteering places, etc.) where you could effectively use your time as you wait for your AOS and EAD to be approved. Yet, I understand that not everyone is adventurous. I think the most important things would be to talk to your fiance about these concerns and feelings before you move, so that you two can think of an action plan before you are faced with the challenge.

Best wishes!

[Hannah+Vito 0]

Maybe i missed something...but why can't you drive in Cali with ur Canadian license? I have cousins who visit all the time here in VA/NC and they drive their vehicles and mine all the time! Just apply for ur CALI DL and keep driving on ur Canadian DL till you get ur CA DL!

I'm not sure if I'm remembering this right, but I thought I remembered there being only a certain amount of time you can drive on your foreign license or out of state license before you have to change it to a ca one if you are now a resident. I.e. Visiting for three months you can drive on the international license the entire time, but move to live here and you can only use it for............somebody help me out here, how long was it? I want to say 10 days for some reason, but I can't remember. I have seen it posted on vj looong ago. :/

[raymaga 25]

I drove with my Canadian driver's license right up until the time I got my Washington state drivers license. I had to take the written and driving test in Washington. Luckily, because I had been driving for over 30 years, the driving tester was more interested in talking about my immigration process than actually having me do the test, so it was a piece of cake. They realize you must know what you're doing if you've been driving for over 30 years, but it's just a formality.

Good luck with your move to the U.S. You will slowly get used to your new life, although don't rush it.... I've been here for over 6 years and I still miss Canada a lot.