strange situation...

[kennym 275]

As grown-ups, every descission (good or bad) has consequences.. Don't try to use the immigration system to deal with your concequences...

You made your descission to petition for your wife as a "grown-up" now deal with it in a grown-up manner... People that don't consider the consequences of thier actions or simply don't care make the immigration process harder for the people that deal with it responsibly..

[sachinky 464]

so, to end things.... i need to first withdraw my sponsorship, then file for divorce, correct?

Send a notarized affidavit stating that you no longer wish to pursue this relation and that you would like to withdraw your sponsorship (I-864). Then file for divorce according to your state law. Get a lawyer if necessary, especially if you think she might go down the VAWA route. Protect yourself.

Edited December 13, 2010 by sachinky

[sachinky 464]

If you no longer wish to be married, then go ahead and end the relationship. I don't think you should feel obligated to get her legal PR status, in any way. Her GC should be based on bonafide relationship to you. If the marriage isn't working out, then there is no reason for her to get a GC. The Green Card is not a way to "make things right." She can return home to VN. I'm sure the social ostracisation that she might face there isn't fun but one can survive it. I come from India so I can understand the issues of "family/societal pressure" even though my own family is pretty progressive. Neither should you be pressured into remaining married just because some think it's the "right thing" to do. Frankly, I doubt that a VAWA claim will carry any weight -- it's not like you've been beating the ####### out of her or abandoned her on the highway with a suitcase.

Edited December 13, 2010 by sachinky

[Justine+David 218]

Sounds like he got in over his head.

How can she have a bonafide VAWA claim? There is nothing here to suggest that the OP physically abused her or even mentally abused her (I'm sorry--simply wanting to end a relationship is not abuse, especially as he didn't try to "trick" her into the marriage in the first place). Especially if he starts the divorce papers, her chances of that are slim to none (which the OP SHOULD do and ASAP if he is very sure).

If I brought David over and went abroad for a year and decided that I didn't want to married anymore, I don't think anyone here would claim abuse. Granted the cultures are extraordinarily different, but why should one country be treated differently than another in regards to immigration benefits?

Is the story super sad? YES. Was the guy involved super naive? YES. Is the girl involved stuck in a horrible situation? YES. Does she deserve a green card? Not by the basis of legal US immigration law from the requirements of the K1-->AOS. Morally? This is where the gray area lies. Many here would say yes in order to allow her to retain some dignity and they could divorce later on. Many others here would say no because of the legal basis if he signs the Affidavit of Support papers and is legally stuck with paying her welfare should she never get a job or become a US citizen.

All in all...the moral of the story is don't marry someone under parental pressure unless you are willing to stay in the marriage...less heartbreak and frustration for all.

[Fandango 1,439]

Justine, I would normally agree with your whole post, in fact right now I even see the merits of what you say. And I do believe a VAWA claim is a long shot. BUT is it not abusing someone to marry someone, pluck her from all she's known, bring her to a new country WITHOUT offering her a path for independence via AOS..then leave her with your parents while you go off on a job, and now decide you don't want her anymore, therefore she needs to go home? It's keeping a human being completely at your own mercy, and that is heartbreaking to me, and I do feel that it should qualify as some sort of abuse so that this woman can pick up the pieces of her life from her own hand, and not have the path of her life dictated to by someone who apparently doesn't have a care in the world for her.

If that doesn't qualify for VAWA, it bloody well should.

[kennym 275]

All in all...the moral of the story is don't marry someone under parental pressure unless you are willing to stay in the marriage...less heartbreak and frustration for all.

Yes, this is true.. One stupid descission followed by another and another isn't the best policy, but with all descisions comes responsibilty.. Mariage also brings resposibilities from promises made.. I am not in support of someone staying in a bad marriage if it genuinely failed for un-forseen reasons.. but when two people enter into a serious comitment for stupid reasons, that just makes my blood boil when they want to use the Immigration system to deport their Significant other, because they're not mature enough to work-out thier issues themselves..

Clearly, two people entering into a marraige for other than genuine reasons indicates "maturity" issues, regardless of pressure from outside sources, so that alone is bad enough, but now you have a dis-placed person who will alone suffer the concequences of a bad descission mad by two people..

Something just aint right and I certainly hope they don't burn taxpayer supported resources to resolve it...

Kenny

Edited December 13, 2010 by kennym

[Dee600 0]

agreeed again Lisa,those are his wordms ,wat does she have to say,1year and charge this guy could be seeing someone and all of a sudden don't want wifey no more,how we so sure wat this girl is going through, Theres ways to go around things or ways to get help in the system wjfey should get a lawyer ,heartless to do someone that.

Justine, I would normally agree with your whole post, in fact right now I even see the merits of what you say. And I do believe a VAWA claim is a long shot. BUT is it not abusing someone to marry someone, pluck her from all she's known, bring her to a new country WITHOUT offering her a path for independence via AOS..then leave her with your parents while you go off on a job, and now decide you don't want her anymore, therefore she needs to go home? It's keeping a human being completely at your own mercy, and that is heartbreaking to me, and I do feel that it should qualify as some sort of abuse so that this woman can pick up the pieces of her life from her own hand, and not have the path of her life dictated to by someone who apparently doesn't have a care in the world for her.

If that doesn't qualify for VAWA, it bloody well should.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

With all due respect to the varied opinions expressed in this thread, I don't think the OP deserves the bashing he's getting. In a traditional Vietnamese family, children do not say no to their parents, not even if the parent is 90 and the child is 70. They would incur the wrath of the entire extended family. Unless the parent was clearly wrong, they wouldn't back the child against the parent even if they were sympathetic.

Also, there are probably a lot more actors involved here than just the son and his parents. His parents obviously know the family of the bride or they would not have arranged the marriage. In addition to the traditional reasons two families will arrange a marriage of their children, immigration may also be a factor here. The wife may already have family members in the US, but none who are eligible to sponsor her or her parents. If she marries a US citizen and becomes a citizen herself then she'll be able to petition for her parents, who will then be able to petition for their other children, and so on. However, this doesn't mean the marriage is a sham. The law doesn't require the bride and groom to be in love. It also doesn't require that a desire to immigrate or help your family immigrate not be on your list of reasons for getting married. It just says that it can't be your primary reason for wanting to get married.

I have some sympathy for the OP. Against his better judgment, he did what a good Vietnamese son would do and he obeyed his parents. Now he feels trapped in a loveless marriage. If he divorces her then he will probably have repercussions to face within his family.

As far as his wife, I doubt she gave up much to come to America and marry him. On the contrary, she had everything to gain and very little to lose. It's unlikely she owned any property. If she was fortunate enough to have a job then it probably didn't pay more than $2 or $3 per day. If her family was relatively well off then she might have lived in a home with actual tile floors instead of concrete, and a real bed instead of a straw mat on the floor.

A VAWA claim is a non-starter. There was no abuse. Nada. The only thing he's doing that she doesn't want is ending the relationship, and that doesn't qualify as abuse by any stretch of the imagination.

[Dee600 0]

He needs to sit and think I for one knows for sure one of his parent or grand parents or even great great grand came to this country as a immigrant ,which then cause him to be the citizen he is today,u could have object to marrying this girl cause divorce isn't a problem don't see y marriage u couldn't opt out,she is not a pair of shoes u buy today and don't want tomorrow,this is terrible this girl can comment suicide cause of the shame u wanna put in her eyes,take her out her country and wanna send her back like she is piece of meat,to put shame in her family eyes,being laugh at by neighbours , come on man no one wants that for their family or friends

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

While I agree that there was no malicious intent on the part of the OP I would also point out that this isn't a case where she was angling just for a greencard. Arranged marriages are still happening in some countries and they are no less bone fide than a marriage for love.

I guess the question here really is "What is his obligation to her under these circumstances?"

I really don't get the feeling the the OP made an honest attempt at the marriage. Maybe that's what he owes her, just that honest attempt. At the very least he shouldn't dump her off in Vietnam in a worse condition that she was already in.

Like some others have said, you're an adult and you made an adult decision now you should deal with it as an adult. Has this girl (your wife) wronged you in any way? Did you even take the time to get to know her?

Without demonizing the OP I do think the woman in this situation is a victim maybe not of his but of the circumstances [which he helped to create]. Does he have a legal obligation to do anything for her, nope. Does he have a moral obligation? I guess we each need to answer that for ourselves.

[kennym 275]

With all due respect to the varied opinions expressed in this thread, I don't think the OP deserves the bashing he's getting. In a traditional Vietnamese family, children do not say no to their parents, not even if the parent is 90 and the child is 70. They would incur the wrath of the entire extended family. Unless the parent was clearly wrong, they wouldn't back the child against the parent even if they were sympathetic.

Jim, While I have the uptmost respect for your thoughts, I am not arguing Vietnamese Culture.. I don't beleive the US is very diferent in the part where we expect grown-ups to be resposnsible for their actions.. See below in the OP's initial Post..

currently, i am still working overseas and trying to figure out this whole mess i got myself into. here are a couple of questions i have as well.... if she gets deported, am i still legally married to her? if so, how could i file for a divorce?

Instead of dealing with the matter, he's hoping the Immigation System will deal with it for him.. While Vietnamese traditions are in play here, I still believe in the values system which is not to diferent (in my experiences) from many other country.. Making adults accountable to local Laws (US) and Customs regardless of how they make thier descissions or the influences affecting those descission. Ultimately, we need to be responsible for our actions.. If an arranged Marriage in Vietnam is commonplace, then I beleive those marraiges are as genuine as any other marriage. In the Spouses mind, she must have felt thet she was entering into a legitimate relationship.. We dont know since the wife hasn't put her side into this discussion, so, it seems wrong to conclude this was a sham... Either way, I am not here to give relationship advise in this matter, but Using the Immigration system to escape responsibilities regardless of ones actions or bad descissions just simply seems wrong...

[Justine+David 218]

Justine, I would normally agree with your whole post, in fact right now I even see the merits of what you say. And I do believe a VAWA claim is a long shot. BUT is it not abusing someone to marry someone, pluck her from all she's known, bring her to a new country WITHOUT offering her a path for independence via AOS..then leave her with your parents while you go off on a job, and now decide you don't want her anymore, therefore she needs to go home? It's keeping a human being completely at your own mercy, and that is heartbreaking to me, and I do feel that it should qualify as some sort of abuse so that this woman can pick up the pieces of her life from her own hand, and not have the path of her life dictated to by someone who apparently doesn't have a care in the world for her.

If that doesn't qualify for VAWA, it bloody well should.

It's not like he intended to bring her over and then divorce her, which sounds like the circumstances that you are stating. If he brought her over here knowing that he would want to "send her back," sure that's mental abuse. It doesn't sound like there was intended malice. She came willingly, he did not "pluck" her (or there is no evidence of what he posted to the contrary). He is not forcing her to go home--and he can't do that anyway. Like I said, what the OP will do now has gray area attached. Legally, he has NO obligation to continue a marriage in which he does not want. USCIS will back him up for that and the affidavit for K1s isn't legally enforceable. He provided her shelter and food which fulfills her physical needs, which is ALL the law will require of him. No abuse.

Morally?? I agree with you. Legally? No chance. I do feel bad for him and the girl. I feel incredibly blessed that I wasn't raised in a culture that would lead me to be stuck in this kind of situation. I like to think that I would offer AOS and then divorce afterwards...but I can't say for certain that I would, in all honesty. I am more lucky than I can possibly imagine, methinks.

Edited December 13, 2010 by Justine+David

[Fandango 1,439]

It's not like he intended to bring her over and then divorce her, which sounds like the circumstances that you are stating. If he brought her over here knowing that he would want to "send her back," sure that's mental abuse. It doesn't sound like there was intended malice. She came willingly, he did not "pluck" her (or there is no evidence of what he posted to the contrary). He is not forcing her to go home--and he can't do that anyway. Like I said, what the OP will do now has gray area attached. Legally, he has NO obligation to continue a marriage in which he does not want. USCIS will back him up for that and the affidavit for K1s isn't legally enforceable. He provided her shelter and food which fulfills her physical needs, which is ALL the law will require of him. No abuse.

Morally?? I agree with you. Legally? No chance. I do feel bad for him and the girl. I feel incredibly blessed that I wasn't raised in a culture that would lead me to be stuck in this kind of situation. I like to think that I would offer AOS and then divorce afterwards...but I can't say for certain that I would, in all honesty. I am more lucky than I can possibly imagine, methinks.

I see your point...and I do concede that legally, he has no obligation to the situation. Morally, sure.

The problem with offering AOS is that if he does it 'as consolation prize' then he's committing visa fraud, which obvs is a no no. I just wish there was some kind of path for this woman where both sides can follow the law.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I see your point...and I do concede that legally, he has no obligation to the situation. Morally, sure.

The problem with offering AOS is that if he does it 'as consolation prize' then he's committing visa fraud, which obvs is a no no. I just wish there was some kind of path for this woman where both sides can follow the law.

Why is this even about the Greencard?

Morally doesn't he have an obligation to give the marriage a chance to work? If he is doing that then there is no Immigration Fraud as the marriage was entered into in good faith and they are trying to make it work.

[Fandango 1,439]

Why is this even about the Greencard?

Morally doesn't he have an obligation to give the marriage a chance to work? If he is doing that then there is no Immigration Fraud as the marriage was entered into in good faith and they are trying to make it work.

I was commenting to Justine about her comment saying if she were in a similar situation she'd contemplate getting her foreign spouse the GC then divorcing. I'd do the same. But that's really not what AOS is about though, hence my (superfluous) comment. (eta: it's about the GC for me in this case because my heart goes out to this woman for being in status limbo with no options)

I'm of the notion that if a man comes on a website asking if he even needs to bother with divorce if his wife gets deported because he wants to pull his sponsorship, then the marriage over and imo there's nothing to save. If I as a stranger seem to have more empathy for someone than her own husband has, it's pretty much over. While I definitely am a 'yay for love!' type of gal, I also believe in recognizing the handwriting on the wall. It would be great if the OP decided to give his marriage a legitimate go, but my gut tells me that's nowhere near the slightest possibility.

Edited December 13, 2010 by Lisa C