Husband is cheating

[btrayedwife 0]

Hi all..

Just want to hear your opinions and thoughts.

My husband has been acting strange and secretive. There are several numbers that he has been calling and has called him these past several months. He could have called them through the telephone, but it's all in the cellphone, which he password-protected. I just discovered it from online history, when I guessed the password there. He double-locks the safe when he didn’t do that before. He's got new clothes coming frequently.. He closes his notebook when I come near, usually at 3 am, he wakes up that early and be on his pc, but he keeps it private, one time panicking to close one website he was visiting. He suddenly wants to lose weight, he is overweight; and said he wants a long vacation to the Philippines. He had not showed up to my family since our wedding years ago.

My guts tell me he is cheating on me. And sure enough, when he gave me the password of the desktop at home bec he asked me to do something, I found out he has a lot of aliases in messenger, names that are very suggestive. Googled it and there one in a dating website there might be some more, he said he is divorced and seeking Asian wife! It really devastated me. I realized he's been online there everyday even during company/work time. No telling what will I find in his notebook when I can access it.

I can forgive him though I might not trust him 100% right away, but I just want us to be honest and deal with it and solve it. But he denies it. He refuses and ignores it when I want us to discuss. I told him he's lying to me, it makes him so angry he told me to pack up my things and leave his house when he comes back. He is on trip; he just said he has 3 cellphones now.

I felt so alone and devastated, more betrayed, and bec looking at the dating site, he must have been emailing and chatting with Filipinas. It hurts more.

Right now I have nothing and nowhere, I'm still dealing with the pain of realization.

I still want to preserve our marriage but of course he doesn’t care anymore, he just wants to throw me out like a toy, because likely he has another woman already ready to go. I am so hurt and confused I don’t know what to do, sometimes I think I will report him so that he cannot petition anyone from there, but I don’t know. He will surely do that again as he has this addiction to Asians and porn, he wants Bisexual Asians.

Just how would one deal with this? What will you do when your husband is cheating on you? What should I do? As he is the guilty party, he is so closed-minded, defensive.

[Darnell 8,478]

well, if you think you have cause for divorce, then divorce him .

If you think the marriage is worth saving, then by all means, go to counselling.

are you an immigrant to the USA? will this affect your current immigrant status?

Edited May 14, 2010 by Darnell

[TracyTN 237]

Well, I'd divorce him, but that's just me. What he does after you is someone else's problem, unfortunately. I'm not sure what you could do to 'warn' these other women short of going online and calling him out - but that could make things very difficult for you (and really, what would you gain from it?).

Go have a consult with a divorce attorney and find out your options (many will do this for free). What is your immigration status? Do you have your 2 year green card or?

[btrayedwife 0]

I have 10 year green card already and about to file for naturalization in few months. It's "easy" to divorce but somehow I don't want to give up on us yet..

[TracyTN 237]

Well, you asked what we would do - that is what I would do if I were married to an obvious cheater who was in denial and wouldn't even TALK to me about it. It's hard to save a marriage when one party is unwilling to work on it. But if you think you can somehow get him interested in working it out, then by all means do so.

Edited to add: if there's any chance that you'll divorce, I'd hold off on applying for citizenship just yet, as the basis of your citizenship application at this time would be marriage to the same US citizen. If that changes, then you'd have to wait until your 5th anniversary as a green card holder to be eligible to apply.

Edited May 14, 2010 by TracyTN

[Rob and Jill 82]

I can forgive him though I might not trust him 100% right away, but I just want us to be honest and deal with it and solve it. But he denies it. He refuses and ignores it when I want us to discuss. I told him he's lying to me, it makes him so angry he told me to pack up my things and leave his house when he comes back. He is on trip; he just said he has 3 cellphones now.

Change the locks and file divorce while HE is gone on his "trip". Have a restraining order slapped on him so when HIS cheating rear comes "home" HE will have to find someplace to live.

WHY...WHY in the heck would you even think about forgiving him at this point? According to what you stated here, he has done nothing but cheat and lie to you. Furthermore he told you to get out of HIS house. What has he done to earn your forgiveness? It sounds like he doesn't want your forgivness.

Hun, you need to copy ALL of the information you have on him and email it to a public email like a gmail account that he does not know about and CANNOT guess the password on. You need to start getting your case together to make sure he does not walk away with everything from your marriage. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but from what you posted here, it sounds like this man is going to leave you. Do yourself a favor and leave him first.

NOW

If HE is willing to change his errant ways, get therapy, and actually WORK on a relationship with you...then you think about forgiving him. Until then, gather ammo for your divorce.

That is what I would do...But the last time I caught someone cheating on me I took everything...including the toliet paper off the roller since it was all on my credit card...LOL.

[annaprice 17]

first sorry i know how it feels.

and when your gut tells you HE is cheating, its 95% right. Its called woman's instinct. okay?

well if you choose to forgive him, you can't just forget it easily. plus it's ridiculous that they still look for somebody else.

and as they always say in tagalog, pag nanlalamig na sayo, for sure me nilalandi nang iba un (If your lover just became so cold with you,for sure they are talking/flirting with somebody else) sorry for the term hehe.

i know how hurtful it is to feel what you are feeling now. Just send me a message when you need to talk

cheer up

[darkangel1215 4]

Sorry to hear that! I am filipina and It makes me feel bad!

Well I know how marriage is important to us, but if he cheats on you maybe you have to wake up in reality that he dont love you and respect you anymore. and beside you dont trust him. he told you to pack your things and leave so meaning he wants you out in his life. why dont you packed your things and get out in their. so when he come back no one is in the house.

there is no respect anymore. Its really painful but you should get over him and start new life without him.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

I sent you a PM.

[mrs. wife! 3]

If you know what websites he is on looking for a "new wife", I'd definitely make myself a profile and try to contact him with an alias. Fool him like a pig and get all his info (to prove it was really him). Then print out the messages and shove it to his face. Maybe then he'd like to talk about it.

Nobody deserves to be in a unhealthy relationship. I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck dear!

[btrayedwife 0]

Hi Mrs. Wife, I did just that. I printed out screen shots of his profile, and I made an alias and contacted him from there. In his profile he advertised that he is very stable financially, which he is, he did it to attract more women I'm sure, but I told him I don't want money. He replied with all the 'hope to know much about you' and 'hugs' and asked my name there, but he privatised or deleted his profile, and Reported! me so my profile was disabled. Maybe when he realized I was new he thought it could be me, since I just asked him prior to knowing his aliases about the dating site. I know it's him without a doubt, I have screen shots of his computer logs and data. He has another messenger ID that keeps pointing me to porn sites..

-----------

he has no respect and love for me anymore, and I dont know what he's telling me is true. sure, marriage breakers; my mind is telling me to leave, but a thin thread is still holding on. I just want us to talk about it and go from there, but it's hard to deal dunno how to when he doesnt care anymore.

Rob and Jill - I wish I have your courage; there are times I think of leaving him, heck, I am still young I still have a future, but maybe this time I'm still in denial of the inevitable. and he would kill me if I change his locks on his house!

I will try counseling if he is still open, though I doubt because of his pride..

I cannot afford a lawyer, glad to know there are some who do it for free, should the need comes soon.

Rest of the guys, I appreciate your thoughts, thank you.

[sachinky 464]

Dump his sorry butt.

[JohnAnwesha 4]

Hi Mrs. Wife, I did just that. I printed out screen shots of his profile, and I made an alias and contacted him from there. In his profile he advertised that he is very stable financially, which he is, he did it to attract more women I'm sure, but I told him I don't want money. He replied with all the 'hope to know much about you' and 'hugs' and asked my name there, but he privatised or deleted his profile, and Reported! me so my profile was disabled. Maybe when he realized I was new he thought it could be me, since I just asked him prior to knowing his aliases about the dating site. I know it's him without a doubt, I have screen shots of his computer logs and data. He has another messenger ID that keeps pointing me to porn sites..

-----------

he has no respect and love for me anymore, and I dont know what he's telling me is true. sure, marriage breakers; my mind is telling me to leave, but a thin thread is still holding on. I just want us to talk about it and go from there, but it's hard to deal dunno how to when he doesnt care anymore.

Rob and Jill - I wish I have your courage; there are times I think of leaving him, heck, I am still young I still have a future, but maybe this time I'm still in denial of the inevitable. and he would kill me if I change his locks on his house!

I will try counseling if he is still open, though I doubt because of his pride..

I cannot afford a lawyer, glad to know there are some who do it for free, should the need comes soon.

Rest of the guys, I appreciate your thoughts, thank you.

I understand it is not easy just giving up on a thing like marriage.But would you rather stay and see yourself lose self-esteem and see yourself being humiliated by this man,who has pretty obviously moved on,apparently to the next dating site?

We all understand its always easy advising than actually doing it, but now is the situation and time,when you should also realize that you can do it too and that you gotta try your best to walk out of this life.It is your decision, you will look back and feel glad you did it.

I hope sincerely you do something about this situation

Forget immigration matters for a second,and focus on your life and on yourself this moment.

[thongd4me 69]

He may have something going on, but it may or may not be cheating.

There has to be honesty & communication in the marriage or else there is no marriage.

I would suggest counseling before you start implying anything or accusing him.

Professional counselors are trained to open communication without putting up more walls.

If he refuses that, you have to confront him and ask for an explanation.

It could be something completely logical and innocent, but only you can be the judge of that.

Good luck. I went to counseling when my first wife was treating me badly (it doesn't have to

be cheating, but still a breach of trust or something else). She refused and the only option

was to divorce.

EDIT=>

I didn't see your subsequent posts, so I think this is serious enough to go to counseling;

failing that, divorce if you both can't reconcile.

Edited May 15, 2010 by thongd4me

[DrissandAmy4ever 0]

Unfortunately if he resides in the home with you, you legally cannot change the locks. However, if you want to get some good proof there is a website called keylogger...you can download the free trial and what this does is take screen shots of all websites he has been on, logs everything he types, tells you every website he visits. Its a great tool for monitoring what your children and husband/wife do online. Then you would have all the proof you needed, including profile names, passwords, and conversations he has had. The other good thing is it still works even after the free trial runs out. If you need help send me a message.