Mother-in-law accuses me of identity theft and money theft

[Leo&Farah 0]

Well I have just about had enough of trying to be the better and bigger person.

Since I have come here, I have put up with my mother in law and her partner charging my husband and I with 2009 IRS business gas rates for rides taken with them from November till December until we finally got a car of our own in Jan 2010 (he had just moved to this state and had to leave his old car behind). Instead of just paying for gas as a sign of good faith like normal people would, they insisted we count our miles and times it by the IRS business rate of 55 cents per mile. Silly me, I thought getting our own car would lessen problems with them. It didnt. Apparently proximity did not put an end to her partner's imaginative drama.

Prior to this, I have put up with my mother in law's partner insisting we pay for our share of thanksgiving dinner in cash since apparently bringing over a dish as pot luck was not good enough. I have put up with her partner accusing me of giving dirty looks at them when I barely even recognized them in the dark. I have put up with her partner accusing me of leaning away from their son in the car when he was crying cause supposedly leaning away means I hate him. My husband has been accused by her partner of treating their son like a dog because he was hiding my bag under his coat from their son so he doesnt drool all over it.

After we got the car, we thought hey, the partner is the problem, so inviting mother in law over for dinner and being the bigger person is a good idea so my husband can maintain good healthy relationship with her away from the poison of her partner. No, apparently it was a bad idea cause the partner found a way to complain about it saying my mother in law 'reeked of asian food' after she got back from dinner with us and made her wash her coat to prove a point on how disgusting it was which resulted in my mother in law telling my husband to get air fresheners, which we already have. If you come over to eat asian food, expecting asian food and commenting later that it was great and thanking us for it, you do not turn around the next day and mention your partner thought you reeked and insult our home and hospitality by saying our home stinks (which is doesnt).

So now the partner has influenced my mother in law to accuse me of identity theft because apparently having his mom as a co-sponsor and knowing her social security number and having a yahoo email address allows me to hack into their bank account, make a new account and somehow magically withdraw 888,888.88 bucks from it. So the hacker person put in a yahoo email address, and since I have a yahoo email address apparently that makes me a suspect. And apparently since I am home alone all day and bored, this apparently makes me small and petty enough to get back at the partner by hacking into their account and doing all these things (So I guess inviting her over for dinner wasnt proof enough of me being the bigger person since we brought no money up at all after being harassed and extorted for gas money. We even had to pay them gas to drive us to the courthouse to get married). Only petty people can imagine other people to be as petty as them.

I mean I expected some crazy stuff to happen because I knew the partner would not stop until things became ugly because drama seems to be a craving of some sort and people like this just do not stop. I did NOT expect something as crazy as this to happen, this is beyond ridiculous I dont even have words for it. At this point, I do not put it past them to do more crazy things. What do I do if they decide to sue me for identity theft based on those arguments? What do I do if they call the feds on me? We are mailing the AOS forms tomorrow and my I-94 expired in Feb this year, about a month. If it had not been expired, I would have lodged a police report or something to protect myself against this craziness.

What can I do to protect myself? We are going to move as soon as we can financially, away from this insanity. It wont happen anytime soon since we are leased for another 7 months. I have only been here for 4 months and this much can happen. I dont know what can possibly be conjured up in another 7 months. I'll probably be accused of murder next.

And fyi, mother in law seems to think everything is okay and it is okay to do all these things. Sorry, but to me, family values are not this way at all. This is foreign to me and completely inhumane.

[MrsCat 6]

Poor poor you Farah, moving away from that insanity pile sounds like the best solution.

[sachinky 464]

Omg, that sounds like a insane situation. Move the hell away.

[Revenesque 2]

What's your spouse's opinion about all this?

Ditto with the rest of the posters about putting distance (and time) between you and your MIL's world.

[neoconsnightmare 0]

Farrah, a couple of things don't sit well with me (no offense).

What is your husband doing all this time? Is he standing up to his mom?

More to the point, is his MOM standing up to her 'partner'?

The partner seems like a nutcase, but his mom seems to be ALLOWING him to do these things. Paying IRS business rates for gas is ridiculous enough; blaming you for identity theft is ludicrous.

They can call the police and feds and accuse you of identity theft, but since you didnt do it, there will be no evidence to link you to that crime. Likely, there WAS no identity theft, and the nutcase made it up...mom went along because she's weak.

Move...ask you landlord if you can get some of your security deposit back, or all of it if they can get someone in the apartment in, say, 2 months. You have to move away, and frankly, not let his mom know where you moved. You can call her, but until she develops a spine, she's pretty worthless when dealing with the partner.

[zenaxe 22]

You didn't comment on how your man conducted himself throughout this little journey through crazy ville.

Move.

[TBoneTX 43,489]

Ouch, si man.

There are two ways to deal with an unacceptable situation: Change the situation, or remove yourself from it. The first sounds impossible or highly unlikely. Do what you can to achieve the second, and as soon as possible.

I admire your strength and common sense in your description of the situation, si man.

[Leo&Farah 0]

Farrah, a couple of things don't sit well with me (no offense).

What is your husband doing all this time? Is he standing up to his mom?

More to the point, is his MOM standing up to her 'partner'?

The partner seems like a nutcase, but his mom seems to be ALLOWING him to do these things. Paying IRS business rates for gas is ridiculous enough; blaming you for identity theft is ludicrous.

They can call the police and feds and accuse you of identity theft, but since you didnt do it, there will be no evidence to link you to that crime. Likely, there WAS no identity theft, and the nutcase made it up...mom went along because she's weak.

Move...ask you landlord if you can get some of your security deposit back, or all of it if they can get someone in the apartment in, say, 2 months. You have to move away, and frankly, not let his mom know where you moved. You can call her, but until she develops a spine, she's pretty worthless when dealing with the partner.

No offence taken. My husband has been on my side and standing up for me but since all this happens away from me and I hear it second hand, he does not react infront of his mom when she does or relates these crazy incidents because his natural reaction to her partner and antics is "I dont give a ###### anymore, I dont want to hear anything' and because simply, she is his mom and he wants to keep good relations. It isnt till he comes home and relates it to me that he gets pissed and reacts after I get pissed and react. Therefore, it is logical to assume his mom will assume that he is fine and dandy and I am the bad guy behind all these belated reactions. And since the craziness on her partners side started after I arrived, it is not too far a stretch to assume that my mother in law will think of me as the source of the problems simply because of the belated reactions and because I am not letting things slide. Everytime a new line is crossed, his mother gets away with it because she is his mother and I have wanted to try and keep mother and son relationship alive through this mess.

He is beyond pissed at his mom and her partner for pulling this. My dad in law thinks its ridiculous as does my sister in law. My mom thinks theyre both crazy and her partner is pulling some elaborate scheme to get in between mother and son by causing all these problems and using me as a scapegoat. His mother showed him a text from her partner after accusing us (initially, the accusation was did 'WE' do it). The text said "I hope Farah did not do it, I dont want you to have bad relations with your son'. The purpose of her showing him this was to supposedly prove her partner is not malicious and a good guy when all it did was prove there is no 'us' in the accusation but a 'me' and was just sugarcoating it so she didnt have to go all out and accuse me directly and risk a rift with her son. I am not an idiot enough to fall for the sugarcoating.

Everyone we talk to thinks the partner is trying to damage mother and son relationship since they just recently had a kid together and Leo moving here last August meant less devotion to their child as his mother apparently stressed beforehand that her own son took priority. Yet I do not see this. Yes, his mother is allowing the partner to do this. She is following through with it and defending her partner. She did not see the IRS rates as anything out of the ordinary. Not against family values whatsoever. She put her foot down on not charging us for thanksgiving but she pursued this accusation vehemently. It was not a simple "did you do it" and a drop it to a yes or no answer. It was did you do it, no? Well did Farah do it? No, well how do you know? She has my social security number. She is sitting bored at home all day, how do you know she didnt do it to get back at us? She has a yahoo email address and the person changed the email address to a yahoo email address. She knows how to use computers so she can do it. If you needed the money that bad, you could have asked us and we would have worked something out.

No his mom does not stand up for him. Her partner has not said any of these things to us directly. The trend is to sneak and hide behind his mom, say and demand all these nasty things and force us to comply simply to maintain good relations with his mom. I was under more pressure since I was trying to forge a good relationship with my new mother in law so she got away with alot and was forgiven with alot. We told his mom we want nothing to do with her partner anymore, we dont want to hear anything anymore. If there is a problem, take it to us. That does nothing and has accomplished nothing. Cutting off all contact with her partner seemed to worsen the situation as more imaginative things came up. This is the last straw for me. There are only so many boundaries crossed and lines you can cross before you no longer qualify for the 'mother in law good relations' card.

It was worse because they both blew hot and cold. So ask for gas money with IRS rates, smile say I love yous, everything is hunky dory. Omg you treat my son like a dog, patch up, smile, forgiven. Oh your house reeks of asian stuff, dont be pissed, it was just a comment! Did you steal from us? Did your wife steal from us? Are you mad? Okay, how long are we not going to talk NOW? His mom does not seem to understand the concept of moral boundaries and what should and should not be crossed before you cant go back and all thats left is fake plastic smiles. I am not a fake person and I refuse to subject myself to faking smiles, even for my husbands sake.

He wants to move, he is currently not on talking terms with his mom. We have not been in contact with or spoken, acknowledged or even seen her partner for over 2 months going on 3.

[Leo&Farah 0]

PS: If they call the feds will I get into trouble because of the grey out of status area and have not received NOA1 of AOS for the status of 'being processed' to protect me until GC arrives?

[summerspring 0]

Hi Farah,

I am sorry for what you have been through. This is really a difficult situation to deal with but I don't think you will be in trouble if they do call cops or something bad like that on you because there's no way for them to get evidence. Like what everybody have mentioned, you really need to move as far as you could and as soon as possible. The best way is to keep a distance, this will be the best solution.

But, it's nice that your husband is totally standing at your side. So good. no way for you to fix the relationship, will need to wait till she realised that she was actually wrong in doing all those stuff to you, providing that this day will come. Keeping a distance, meeting less and ltos of gifts would be the best way to maintain relationship with in-laws, i guess.

I hope that things will get better soon. *pray.

p/s: I find the comments about 'asian food' and 'asian stuff' to be really humiliating and offensive. My 'in-law to be' once mentioned about how 'poisonous' chinese food can be, right in front of my face (she didn't really mean to hurt me or humiliate me, just her opinion and she didn't even aware of that), but I took the offense and still not happy about it whenever I think about it. *sigh.

warmest regards,

Season

[Leo&Farah 0]

Just incase there is confusion, we have our own place and do not share accomodations with them. My husband works at the same place as his mom as she practically shoved the job in his face upon moving here. (Prior to me coming here) He is contracted to work every semester and cant simply up and leave. We will have to find a new job, a new state, a new home and we JUST got here last August.

To further clarify and to not cause any other confusion, I am not the least bit worried about the accusation holding water. I have a spanking clean slate and nothing to worry about. I am however worried about any lawyer fees, court fees or any trouble it can cause with immigration to clear up this mess if they do decide to escalate the drama to higher levels. We cant afford a messy litigation process. I have half a mind to sue her partner if this is all made up for fraudulent accusation of identity theft and defamation if the litigation process wasnt so drawn out, expensive and so not worth it. It is easier to just move and hope they leave us the hell alone.

[Ling Ling 22]

Farah, welcome to America.

What you're experiencing is what many American marriages experience, and the reason the divorce rate is so high.

Marriage is, has been, and always will be, the union of two families (for better or for worse). Most Americans think of "arranged" marriages as uncivilized,

when the reality is, an arranged marriage can (...I said "can") add a strong backbone to the marriage. The reality of marriage is that even though the prince and princess live "happily ever after", there are many disputes and disagreements to overcome in the path of "happily ever after."

When I speak of arranged marriages adding a backbone to the marriage, it means that when either spouse complains to their family, the family takes the objective side of the marriage rather than the subjective side of the complainant.

I'm not advocating that everyone would benefit from an arranged marriage, but that families must be considered (for better or for worse).

At the end of the day, it doesn't sound like your husband's family is going to warm up to your marriage anytime soon. Don't take it personally,

it could be that NOBODY is good enough for their star....or just that they enjoy making other people miserable.

my thoughts to you is to remain rational and controlled, but thicken your skin. Realize that you and your husband have to work together to create your

happily ever after, and that there will be many roadblocks along the way. Happiness is not the absence of difficulty, but the ability to overcome it.

Good luck, keep your head up, and remember that you're a good person and a great wife regardless of what THEY say.

LingLing

NOTE- When I refer to "arranged marriages" I don't mean the ones involving money or 14 year old girls being sold to old men...I mean the ones where the two families know each other, and more importantly respect each other.

[Bernie C 24]

1st I would like to congratulate you on your successful visa and on your wedding.

2nd - I would like to say I am very sorry for all the pain and agony you are being subjected to. Unfortunatley there is a lack of mutual respect in families here in some cases. I am totally appalled by the actions of your mother-in-law and her partner.

It would seem that the best thing would be to separate yourselves from them. Maybe the loss of their son from thier family would send a wake up call. Maybe they dont even care. I sure dont know the answers to your situaltion but I hope and pray that the love the two of you share together can overcome the problems brought into your relationship by these inconsiderate and selfish people.

I feel so fortunate and blessed to have the family and friends I do and reading a story like yours makes me feel so upset and awful.

We will send some prayers for the both of you!

[NVC FAN :( 18]

i would not say many americans experience this lol. i could only imagine what your (farahs) parents think of all this. if you told them. probaly think your on a different planet.

wow, move away is all you can do. if this where happening to me and my wife. i would tell my mother good bye and good luck on her new marriage. and i will call her every chance i get.

gl

[Ling Ling 22]

i would not say many americans experience this lol. i could only imagine what your (farahs) parents think of all this. if you told them. probaly think your on a different planet.

wow, move away is all you can do. if this where happening to me and my wife. i would tell my mother good bye and good luck on her new marriage. and i will call her every chance i get.

gl

By "this" I didn't expect it to be taken literally that many Americans are being accused of theft and fraud by their in-laws, rather that it's sadly all too common for spouses to experience a degree of tension with their in-laws.

Come on....you know there's a reason that "I hate my mother-in-law" jokes are so common they're almost expected.

Of course I may just be one of the lucky few that likes RingRing's mother-in-law even more than I like mine. :-)

LingLing