Cheating Fiance

[PeruvyandGringa 25]

Just another female opinion. Only you can determine if it is time to say goodbye. Once a cheater is not always a cheater. Often times, yes, but often times no. The fact that she told the truth to you says something. The thing that she needs to realize though, is that she has hurt you tremendously, SHE needs to do what you need her to for you to trust her again. It does take time to build the trust again. You need to see that SHE is making a TREMENDOUS effort to reconcile things. It seems selfish that she is upset by this request. On a regular ongoing basis, I would NEVER be with a guy that told me I could not go to clubs. The rules change drastically when infidelity is involved. SHE is now the one that needs to do what you need her to do to gain your trust again (within reason). I think requesting she not frequent the clubs now is not unreasonable. It's understandable, you associate the clubs with this act of infidelity. It seems selfish on her part to not consider your feelings when it is she that did wrong. It's up to HER to prove she can be trusted again, and she needs to put your mind at ease that this will not happen again. Added complexity is that you are still not together, so will you wonder if she does not answer the phone at night that she is at a club? The distance makes it extremely difficult circumstance. Best of luck to you.

[ScottThuy 140]

Well, 5 months is a long time. But somehow I've managed to keep faithful to her

Are you kidding? This is all so sad... neither of you are committed if one cheats and the other just manages to stay faithful...

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

You know, one can go a lifetime giving speeches, and never called a great orator, but suck one..., well, you know what I mean! I suppose the same thing applies to cheating: It is always easier the second time.

[SunDrop 59]

STD testing for K1 is usually limited to HIV and syphilis (that's how it is for the medical exam in the Philippines). There's so much more to test like HSV1, HSV2, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and others (you can event count diseases that are transferred through skin contact and body fluids like saliva... surely they kissed).

And not even HIV anymore, according to CDC guidelines. But it does ask on the medical questionnaire (at least ours does) if you've ever had an STI...

[VanessaTony 3,567]

STD testing for K1 is usually limited to HIV and syphilis (that's how it is for the medical exam in the Philippines). There's so much more to test like HSV1, HSV2, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and others (you can event count diseases that are transferred through skin contact and body fluids like saliva... surely they kissed).

Please READ a post before replying. She said "tell her to go get tested BEFORE her K1 medical..." obviously not AT the K1 medical. Not only for the reasons you mentioned but to walk in and say "yeah I cheated on my fiance so I wanna make sure I'm "clean"" yah.. that'd go down REAAAALLLL well :S

[Danno 1,228]

THis line here was the "jewel" in your post.

<<Against my better judgment, I forgave her and told her I still love her, and that if she'll have me as her husband, I still want her to be my wife.>>

My friend you are a SUCKER..... plain and simple.

Does anyone really think he is going to follow anyones advice here?

The truth is, your -Soon to be- is either a tramp or she just does a good act on the weekends.

If you or anyone else disagrees,.... give me your definition of tramp?

MIne is: Engaged women who bangs strangers from the Disco on weekends.

But all is not lost! They say "For everyone there is someone" and so you two might still be a fitting couple...... as your expectations seem inline with her.

* If, she'll have you.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Well, 5 months is a long time. But somehow I've managed to keep faithful to her

Are you kidding? This is all so sad... neither of you are committed if one cheats and the other just manages to stay faithful...

This is obviously a comprehension issue, he didn't mean he JUST managed to stay faithful to her, he meant it in a wry sort of almost sarcastic way like "yeah 5 months is SUCH a long time but I still managed to keep it in my pants".

Edited February 7, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[FortLaudy 10]

Stopping someone from going clubbing does sound a little restrictive. But if she met the guy whom she cheated on you with there, then that is certainly a very valid request.

She'll probably cheat again, or has even done so more times than she's admitted to you.

[Calypso 465]

Please READ a post before replying. She said "tell her to go get tested BEFORE her K1 medical..." obviously not AT the K1 medical. Not only for the reasons you mentioned but to walk in and say "yeah I cheated on my fiance so I wanna make sure I'm "clean"" yah.. that'd go down REAAAALLLL well :S

That's your own interpretation. Thank you for sharing.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Not half as much as Silver, I bet.

[ScottThuy 140]

Are you kidding? This is all so sad... neither of you are committed if one cheats and the other just manages to stay faithful...

This is obviously a comprehension issue, he didn't mean he JUST managed to stay faithful to her, he meant it in a wry sort of almost sarcastic way like "yeah 5 months is SUCH a long time but I still managed to keep it in my pants".

How do you know what he meant? What was said, was said... sorry if you comprehended it differently than it was stated...

[VanessaTony 3,567]

She admitted to cheating only when prompted (and I assume harassed) and how do you know for SURE it's just the once? If she was honestly upset about it she would have admitted it immediately and BEGGED for your forgiveness. My theory is that she was considering what to do about it, and thinking about her feelings for you.

The problem is, cheating is cheating. She could be pregnant (stranger things have happened), she could have STI's but more importantly, she should have THOUGHT about you.

I can't honestly think of ONE instance where I didn't think of my husband (or boyfriend, or fiance) while some guy was trying to chat me up. It takes conscious thought to ignore thoughts of you, it takes a conscious decision that her relationship with you doesn't matter.

Does being apart suck? Hell yes. I missed having someone to cuddle up to at night, but I never ONCE considered jeopardising my relationship by sleeping with someone. I also love and respect my husband enough to hate the thought of the hurt he would feel if he ever found out I was with someone else, just like the idea pains me.

People are flawed, people make mistakes, but a mistake isn't sleeping with someone else. That's a conscious decision that you don't matter enough to her for her to remain faithful. A mistake is not thinking about how much you're drinking and getting behind the wheel (stupidity really), a mistake is putting on 2 different kinds of socks. She had multiple chances to think about you and she chose not to.

I wouldn't forgive someone for this just because I know me, and I know I could never stop thinking about it if I saw a girl give my husband "the eye", or if he was secretive with his phone, or other little things like that would niggle at me and it would end up ruining who I am as a person, and ruining my trust in people. She made a "mistake" and this mistake has consequences which is losing you. I think it's better this way, rather than a year or so down the road when you're constantly jealous, and she's resentful that you're trying to control her and not able to trust her.

Also, though I would never cheat, if I DID and my fiance/husband/boyfriend asked me to stop going to nightclubs I would. I would try and find ways to beg his forgiveness, I would stay home, I would become a hermit if it helped make up for my "mistake".. but though to be honest I would most likely break up with him, in the knowledge that while I feel like I love him, it's obviously not enough if I can't remain faithful for FIVE months (or at all really).

Good luck with your decision. Remember to do what's best for you.

[SunDrop 59]

That's your own interpretation. Thank you for sharing.

Not sure how I could have made what I meant any clearer. Before the medical doesn't mean during it or after it.

I shortened my post before submitting it, as I am not 100% sure of what I wrote and don't want to be accused of scaremongering.

What I had written was to the effect that I don't know WHY they ask about STI history, since they test for the one that could prevent you from passing the medical. If you replied yes to this question because you'd had Chlamydia in the past for example, would they question or test you differently than if you hadn't had any STIs in the past?

I decided it was getting off-topic somewhat and so limited it to 'get tested before and deal with anything there could be before her K1 medical.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

can't delete a post, what I was going to write was moot.

Edited February 7, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[SunDrop 59]

.

LOL

OK, you edited after I quoted. But I'm with ya on what was there...

Edited February 7, 2010 by SunDrop