How do you handle each other's pasts?

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

I respect what you have posted nes. But let me just ask you this, have either of you been married before and if so, do either one of you have children with that previous spouse? It isn't so easy to just let things go when there is still contact. Yes I exept the fact that Ian has children and has a previous wife, if I didn't then I wouldnt have married him. BUT STILL...this woman uses anything and everything to worm her way in which makes it very difficult. Surely you can see that right???

LJ

I dunno LJ, my ex had a child from another relationship, Tim has children from a prior marriage there are just many things you have to let go of. Chalk most of it up to ignorance, and remember you are his wife she is an ex! If these things don't trouble him, then try not to let them trouble you either. Fact is if he is blowing her actions off, it means he really doesn't give a rats a** what she does. Men are better at this than most of us gals.

I kept my mouth closed for a very long time, because I felt parenting was between the two of them. Finally after many silly antics on her end, I in a nutshell told her that she had no place in our relationship, and that the only thing that mattered were the children and unless it were an emergency with the boys she had absolutely no reason to speak to either of us. That pretty well solved it.

B

I do appreciate what both you and NES are saying. I guess TBH, I am finding it really hard right now because in a short time, I will be leaving Ian as my visa for the UK runs out soon. After seeing firsthand what this woman is capable of, it makes it harder for me to leave. Yes, it does bother Ian that she plays games, but its the fact that it took me stepping up and making him see her for what she is even after she cheated on him. It was as if he still had blinders on to this woman. He even came out and said that even after what she has done to their marriage, he still trusts her. He does blow off her actions and I appreciate it. Bottom line, its hard to let the past rest when she is still right there trying to cause waves. She even told Ian the day before we got married that him and I deserve eachother whatever that is suppose to mean. (she said it when they were having a huge argument when he finally told her that she is not to enter this house...period!). I just love this man to bits. I think I am letting my emotions get the better part of me lol.

LJ ( I know I usually sign Laura, but LJ is how I normally sign things so sorry for the confusion if any)

[hockeygal 0]

I don't care if the past stays in the past - it is when it pops into the present that I get irked.

He got contacted by someone he dated during our break up last summer - while I was visiting last week. I trust him and don't think there was anything to it - but it irked me and affected my mood and I am still bothered now! It just brought back all those feelings from last summer when I found out about it. I knew that he would have to respond to her at some point during my visit there and that he'd do it while I was in the shower, or something, and I just didn't like it. I think this whole process and the instability of my life right now has made me more insecure about a lot of things than I usually am.

But in general, no, the past doesn't bug me.

Edited July 5, 2006 by hockeygal

[Ban Hammer 12,901]

I respect what you have posted nes. But let me just ask you this, have either of you been married before and if so, do either one of you have children with that previous spouse? It isn't so easy to just let things go when there is still contact. Yes I exept the fact that Ian has children and has a previous wife, if I didn't then I wouldnt have married him. BUT STILL...this woman uses anything and everything to worm her way in which makes it very difficult. Surely you can see that right???

LJ

i know what you're saying in the above, so i'll answer it. yes, i've been married before and have a daughter who lives with my ex wife. i've been divorced for over 10 years now and my ex has tried every now and then the child card in the few relationships i've had since our divorce. in short, i'd trust my ex about as far as i can throw the state of texas - and given my ex's size, such is an appropriate analogy

my solution to it all, and i've briefed nessa on this, is that my ex wife is not our friend, although she'll try to play up to nessa. the only time i care to hear from my ex is when it concerns our daughter, i'm not my ex's friend nor do i care to hear what her troubles/worries/problems are, as we are divorced and i'm not going to get involved in her life, nor do i expect her to be involved in mine.

some might consider me callous for being this way, but i find it allows me to live a stress free life and have a healthy relationship without my ex's constant intrusions.

many of us here do have a marriage or more in our past, along with kids. it's how we deal with the ex's that affects our current relationship. don't be afraid to put your foot down, like bethanie did. great answer there btw, bethanie!

[Welshcookie 17]

Having been a close friend of my fiance and his ex-wife while they were married, I was privvy to much of what went on in their marriage, and he already knew my ex (father of my 10 yr old). The only problem we had was that his ex wife was majorly pissed off when she learnt that we had hooked up after she left and went back to the US....but that is dealt with now . As for my ex's they will both be at our wedding!

The past is the past....I don't mind the keeping of photos.

[I'm Gone 60]

I have never been concerned about what my wife did before we met and when she has asked me I just say "none ya". Past is past.

[jen&darcy 0]

We are completely open. I still have my wedding pictures and such from my first marriage because I am saving them for my daughters. Darcy at first didn't understand why I would keep them but then I explained even though the ex and I aren't married we are still their mom and dad. He was okay with it then. We both have a little jealousy in us but we deal with it as it arises.

[Dina 0]

When Marky and I met online, there was no thought of romance between us. I was dating after my split with my ex-husband and Marky enjoyed me telling him all the intimate details of my dates. We were both completely open about our pasts. He's seen all the wedding pictures and understands why I don't want to throw them away. He's met my ex-mother-in-law and she loves him. He knows my ex and I are still friendsly and has come to terms with that. As for me, there's no way I could possibly be jealous of his ex, she was so stupid, she failed an IQ test!

Look, obsessing about your partner's past is futile, get over it. Just remember, everything that happened to them in the past is what made him or her the wonderful person you fell in love with!

[Fandango 1,439]

To me, the past is in the past & that's that....no use getting miffed about something that you cannot change.

My ex couldn't quite grasp the idea of me moving on....I wound up moving away and leaving my house vacant. One time, D and I just went down for a few days, and in that short time, my ex dropped off a '2 for 1' coupon in my mailbox. (That was his way of telling me that he knew D was with me, btw)

Now being that it is a big city & there'd be absolutely no way he'd know we were in town, we figured that he must have made calling round to mine part of his daily route home....

But yeah, me and D just laughed our azzes off....

there's actually a lil more to the ex story, but needless to say the ex was having a hard time letting go. He'd badger my friends, interrogate them, etc. It even went so far as having a baby 'in retrobution...

D was perfectly calm & we just looked at it as a pathetic joke

[perfect 39]

Having been through a very bad marriage and divorce previously I always said that I would never marry a man with a "past" in the context of having been married, having kids or having done things I personally dislike.

However, you can't help who you fall in love with and I ended up marrying am ex-Marine who had been married twice before and who had done ALL the things Marines do! (excessive drinking, fighting, prostitutes etc). When you find the right one it shouldn't matter what their past is - and personally we have never had secrets - we were both completely up-front about our pasts right from day one. If a partner can't handle the past then I personally would have serious doubts about the long-term future of the relationship.

[Yodrak 7]

StevenJinky,

Yes, there are unspoken rules. I learn of them when I break them.

Yodrak

...

How do the two of you handle each other's pasts? Are there unspoken rules about what is not talked about?

[Mandi+Ryan 0]

There are no secrets. Ryan and I know about each other's pasts. And even now, we share everything. Honesty! If they truly love you, you both will move on TOGETHER and grow together. No matter what the past was, the future may bring, or what's thrown at you in the present. You can overcome all obstacles in the way. Be real.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

StevenJinky,

Yes, there are unspoken rules. I learn of them when I break them.

Yodrak

...

How do the two of you handle each other's pasts? Are there unspoken rules about what is not talked about?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

StevenJinky,

Yes, there are unspoken rules. I learn of them when I break them.

Yodrak

Ah, there's the source of all my relationship anxiety.

[ChristinaM 0]

Yes, I'm bothered by my husband's past. Yes, he's bothered by mine. Every so often we run into his ex, or I'll be looking for something else and find a tucked-away photo, or I'll be trying to find an email I sent him and come across a fact I didn't know and I hate it.

I hate to think that he was anybody else's, and I hate it that he had a life before us. However, it's not reasonable to expect that all to mysteriously disappear and we try to be open enough to not feel like either of us is keeping secrets, but not so open that we are hurt by things we need not be - the people from the past.

[Caladan 19]

The boyfriend and I are both in our mid-to-late twenties. Neither of us have been married before, but both of us have been in serious relationships. Five years ago I was seriously considering marriage with a college boyfriend; at that time, the boyfriend was living with a girl.

Jealousy flares up now and then. The college boyfriend and I have many friends in common and after not speaking for two years, he accidentally called my cell phone. I was still on speed dial. I was on the phone with the boyfriend at the time. Oy veh.

But generally, our attitude is this: We're adults. It's unrealistic to expect that two people who meet in their mid-twenties have never been in love before. We're not in love with those others now, so, here we are. No secrets.